#iwillgetoverit

I really don’t know what I’m feeling again. I just feel like I’m not feeling anything at all. I feel restless, yet, I can’t shift my arse. I feel hungry (again), picky hungry - and never satisfied. I feel tired, yet - I don’t feel ready for bed. I sit in silence, yet my mind is screaming distortion. I feel I should be sad, but I’m not. I feel content, but not happy. I feel (almost) complete), yet empty. I assume this is a little PND blip, although I can’t be sure. Time for me to kick my sad sack arse back out of it.  

When was the last time that the mom from "30 kids (give or take) and counting "had a period?

Not sure why I am doing this but here goes nothing. See if anyone really cares. I have been suffering from depression for several weeks now. I put on a smile and act like it's all okay all the time. My boyfriend is the only one that has noticed. So much has happened recently and I blame myself for all of it. I am to a point where I thoroughly hate myself. I swore many years ago that I would help people in abusive situations. At that point I didn't realize what all that entails. Every second of my life recently is just another painful reminder that my decision to report my friend's abusive situation to my school has messed up a portion of his life. I wasn't the only one that reported it but I made them all swear not to say anything. I knew that my friend needed to feel secure in his other friendships. I took all of it on myself. And will continue to hold it there. Every single day I fight with my family over my boyfriend. They don't understand that he is my one line of sanity. I can't lose him. He has seen my highest highs and my lowest lows. He is literally the only person I have ever met that I don't feel insecure with. Yet I'm not allowed to be with him. We have had deaths and major surgeries. We have had financial problems and cancer scares. And we are getting nearer and nearer to graduation..... I know that in three months I am going to lose everything. I am going to lose my entire life when I graduate in three months. And I am terrified. I can't get past it in my head no matter how hard I try. The guilt and the fear and the sadness of everything that has been going on has built up so high that I can't see past it. I can't breath. I can't function. I am drowning in my own mind and there is only one person that has noticed..... I don't know how to make it so I can breath again......

I know this is a total first world problem... But all my electronics keep breaking and it's really frustrating. My laptop is fucked. My television keeps shutting itself off and on. My camera hasn't turned on in months. My phone is spazzy. My blu-ray has had to be repaired numerous times. All electronics do is cost me a lot of money and add to my damn stress level when they break constantly, all on their own. Im giving up and becoming a mountain person.