Eleven weeks after triple-bypass surgery, and I'm still struggling.  This third month has in some ways been more difficult than the second. Physically, I'm better.  I can walk the walk I used to walk, my neighborhood walk I mean, forty-five minutes to an hour, up and down hills. Â
​I tried jogging, but since I'm not allowed to do push-ups until my sternum fully heals, my softened pecs bounced and hurt and made me more understanding of the merits of a sports-bra.  I can march up and down the stairs twelve times.  But I still get a little winded.  Not as much as when my blood pressure was low, 110/70.  Then I'd get dizzy standing up. Â
​Now my blood pressure is running high.  First thing in the morning and last thing at night, it spikes to 140/95.  Ish.  Doctor is still tweaking my meds.  The thing with blood pressure meds.  "Hey, these meds may make you feel terrible, but at least they don't control your blood pressure."  Am I right? Â
​I get tired every afternoon and stumble to the couch for a half-hour coma.  It's hard to wake up on time in the morning, and when I do, I don't feel like exercising.  I'm eating right and avoiding salt, but I'm still slowly gaining weight.  I make my own healthy turkey-sausages and bean-burgers and flax-seed chips.  But I'm still fatigued.  Too much so, all the time.  I'm not horny for anything. Â
​I haven't mentioned the worm yet.  I first became aware of it in my teens.  There's a thick, black worm that lives in my intestine, and it sucks all my energy.  It wants me depressed.  It likes when I sleep thirteen hours, so it can eat my life-force.  I don't talk to the doctor about it, but it's a problem.  Please don't say "Ivermectin" or "SSRI," those makes it bigger.  Same with meditation.  Anyway, it doesn't surprise me that after open heart surgery, the worm is having a gay old time in my gut, controlling my every thought and feeling!  Opportunistic little shit.Â
​Did you know they call the gut the "second brain?"  It's really interesting, actually, 90% of the body's seratonin is produced and stored in the intestinal tract.  Anyway, I'm supposed to be doubling my Carvedilol, but it makes me so tired.  Who can live like this?  It's either take the meds and not be able to function or not take the meds and walk straight into a stroke. Â
​Bodies are frail and foolish and fragile, and if we're made in God's image, He's a fucked up, decrepit, falling-apart flesh-bag of bones, meat, blood, and pus.  Why does He have skin-tags and hemorrhoids and sinuses, and why do I have to have them? Â
​Even sexy people are disgusting, if you ask me.  Even with their stunningly ignorant smiles, a stray clot away from vegetative. Â
https://www.daydreammisfit.com/confessions-and-lies
Neil Oldman https://www.buymeacoffee.com/NeilOldman