#itsthewritergal

“We’re short staffed Buck, I need to be there” She lied easily, 

“Let me come in? I just want to hold you tonight” He said softly pressing another kiss to her lips. Y/N nodded in agreement, how could she ever say no to an offer like that? 

Bucky followed Y/N up the stairs to her apartment, she unlocked the door and was met by an icy breeze. Bucky shuddered. 

“Why is it so cold baby? Your heating broken?” He asked 

“Hmm?” Y/N asked turning around to face him 

“Your apartment Y/N, it’s cold” 

“Oh, sorry Buck I turned the heating off” 

“For good?” Bucky asked closing the door behind him “Or is it broken?” He asked

“Oh, no I just turned it off whilst I was at work” Y/N said softly, 

“Why would you do that?” Bucky asked again pulling Y/N into an embrace 

“It was just while I went to work Buck”

“That’s not safe doll, you should keep the heating on so you don’t get ill, even when you’re not home. You need to come into a warm house” Bucky said, Y/N resisted the urge to cry. 

“I usually do Bucky, it was just a one off” she said. 

Bucky didn’t mention the heating again that night. Y/N was grateful for that small mercy. What he did mention was the mountain of blankets that sat on her bed. 

“Doll?” He called from her bedroom 

“Yeah?” She replied coming into the bedroom, her eyes falling on Bucky’s metal hand clasping three blankets, 

“You coming down with something?” He asked “I can call Banner to come and check on you if you want?” 

“Oh Buck, no I’m ok. Just get cold when you’re not here” She said, it wasn’t a complete lie, just a small one. It made her feel a little better. 

“You know you could just move in with me?” Bucky offered 

“Don’t be silly Bucky, we’ve spoken about this” She said and Bucky stopped himself from starting an argument by pressing his lips to hers. 

— — — 

The next few weeks were tricky. Y/N had started picking up more shifts than she could count which lessened her time to do anything; most of all see Bucky. 

When one fateful day put Y/N’s life into a tailspin, 

“Y/N could you come into my office when you get a moment please?” Her boss’s voice cut through the noise, and Y/N felt a panic run through her body, 

“I’ll come now” She said quickly, hurrying behind the shorter lady, “is everything ok?” 

“Take a seat Y/N” She said, Y/N knew this wasn’t good, she never asked her to take a seat before, this had got to be bad news. 

“Have I done something wrong?” 

“No, Y/N you’re one of the best workers we have here” She said taking a deep breath “but we can’t afford to keep you on, with prices and wages going up we’re cutting down to less staff members and well it’s only fair that we let you go first. You’ve got enough experience to get another job quickly whereas the others don’t” 

“You mean the others are cheaper because they are younger?” Y/N said noticing the true meaning behind her words. 

“That isn’t what we are doing Y/N” her boss spoke halfheartedly 

“When do I leave?” Y/N asked dejectedly, knowing it was a loosing battle 

“Today’s your last shift, you are let go without holiday pay or leave notice” She said passing Y/N an envelope “All the necessary documents are in here, please hand your keys in at the end of the shift” 

“No need to wait” Y/N said, pulling her work keys out her bag and putting them on the desk. Picking up the envelope, Y/N walked out. 

The walk home was a cold one, not only because of the biting wind but Y/N felt empty, numb, like she’d just been caught in the rain. She wanted to call Bucky, but after her neglect of him she knew that he was probably mad at her and calling him to cry would not be the best way to go. However, her ringtone cut Y/N’s moping thoughts short, 

“Hello?” 

“Doll, oh thank god. Steve just told me he passed you on the street, he’s turning around to pick you up so don’t go anywhere. What’s happened?” Bucky asked 

“Nothing Buck, I’ll talk to you later, tell Steve not to worry” 

“No, he’s picking you up and you can come here or go home then come here, or just head home if that’s what you want but I’d rather Steve did it than you walk yourself doll okay?” He said 

“It’s going to happened whatever I say right?” Y/N chuckled halfheartedly, the lack of reply on Bucky’s end confirmed it “I’ll wait for Steve” 

“Good girl, I’ll see you soon” He said ending the call quickly. 

As if on cue Steve’s car pulled into view, 

“Hey Y/N, Buck’s waiting for you” He said opening the door for her, 

“Thanks Steve” 

After a few quiet minutes Y/N answered the question which was burning in Steve's mind, 

“I got fired” She said quietly, 

“They did what? Oh Buck won’t be happy, how dare they” Steve said forcefully, 

“They can’t afford me apparently” Y/N chuckled sadly 

“Bullshit” 

“Promise you won’t tell Bucky?” She asked 

“I won’t lie to him if he asks” Steve said “But I’ll divert attention so he doesn’t ask” Steve agreed quietly 

— — — — — 

Y/N had avoided Bucky for another two weeks, she hadn’t meant to. But she had been sending CV’s, babysitting, dog walking and selling small handmade bits online. Anything possible to make some money, she was yet to receive an interview or even any interest. It seemed that everyone was full of employees or was hiring younger staff, there was no place for Y/N. 

She had been dodging her landlord phone calls, and the electricity company and even a few others who she knew were angry that she hadn’t paid. Stretching her legs out wide on the floor she took a minute away from her laptop screen and picked up her phone. 

“I’m on my way, be there in 15” Bucky had texted around 15 minutes ago, Y/N let out a panicked sigh and started picking up the mess around her to try and make herself look presentable for Bucky, she had to keep up appearances. 

“Doll?” Bucky called through her apartment, 

“In here” She replied quickly shoving some dirty clothes at the bottom of her wardrobe, 

“Hey doll” He said softly pulling her in for a kiss, not seeming to notice her dishevelled state. 

“Hey Bucky” she pressed a kiss to his lips, something she had missed dearly. 

“I need to talk to you” Bucky said pulling her down to sit on the bed, she sat down with his hands gripped in hers as if he was about to disappear. 

“I know I’ve been awful Buck, I haven’t spoken to you and I’ve avoided you, please don’t be mad, I’ve just been so stressed and—”

Bucky quickly cut her off “I’m not breaking up with you Y/N” 

“You’re not?” 

“No, doll I’m not” 

“Oh” 

“I know what’s going on Y/N” he said sincerely 

“Nothing’s going on” 

“Doll I know” 

“Bucky nothing is going on”

“You got fired, you’ve been trying to find another job, you’ve been dog walking, which I’m not happy with because that’s dangerous when you don’t know the dog or the owner, and you’ve been selling your adorably little crochet animals online” Bucky said 

“You got someone to follow me” 

“You started shutting me out” Bucky justified 

“Fair enough” 

“Did I miss anything?” Bucky asked 

“No” Y/N said her eyes welling up with tears, she let go on Bucky’s hand to hide her face in them, 

“Oh doll, come here” Bucky said wrapping his arms around her, letting her cry all her stresses and troubles away onto his shirt, he knew once she had cried they would be able to talk through options properly. 

“I’m sorry” Y/N said with a sniffle 

“Can I finish what I was saying earlier?” Bucky asked, Y/N nodded silently “I’ve paid off all your debts, I did the landlord, electricity, water and that loan you took out, you can pay me back if you want to if you have the money, if not it’s my birthday present to you I know you won’t accept it any other way” He said 

“Bucky please”

“It’s already done” 

“I should be able to do this better,I  should be able to pay my fucking bills” 

“No” Bucky said calmly 

“No?” 

“No you’re not doing that. You are doing as best as you can. And I refuse to listen to that shit. Now put on a nice dress, we’re going out to eat” 

— — — — 

That night when Bucky and Y/N were laying in bed cuddled up to each other, Y/N decided to be brave 

“Bucky?” 

“Yes doll?” 

“Do you think I could move in with you?” She asked pressing a kiss to his chest “I don’t think I want to do this alone anymore” 

“No” He said bluntly, 

“Tensions killing me” Nat said with a dry laugh 

“Come on Nat, leave it alone” he said, turning the corner to the common room, he stopped immediately his breath hitching in his throat for a split second, 

“Y/N?” Nat beamed running over to give her a hug almost knocking her off of her feet “It’s been like a year since I saw you!” She grinned, 

“Hey Nat” She said gently, 

“You have to stay for dinner, Wanda’s cooking, she’ll want to see you. So will Steve, and Tony, oh and Sam!” She said “I’ll text them all now, they’ll set up a place for you” 

“Nat, I don’t think—” Y/N started 

“I don’t want to hear it, you’re staying” She said pulling out her phone and quickly tapping a message, 

“Y/N” Bucky said bluntly, his voice void of all emotions. 

“Hey” Y/N cut herself off unsure of what to call him so deciding against calling him anything,  her eyes wandered to his arm,  “the black and gold suits you” She said softly “Always said silver wasn’t your colour” 

“Shuri agreed with you” Bucky nodded

An uncomfortable silence settled across the two of them, 

“I should go” She said quickly, 

“Why did you come?” He asked a part of him not wanting her to disappear, not again 

“I, uh I found, I found this”  Y/N said her cheeks flushing red as she passed Bucky a t-shirt, one that he had forgotten about, but it certainly looked more worn now than how he remembered it. His heart squeezed at the thought of her wearing it after everything

“This is why you came?” Bucky said 

“You’re right, it was stupid. I’m gonna go” Y/N said quickly,  shaking her head as she turned, Bucky knew how she felt. He had imaged many times making an excuse to go and see her, he just didn’t think she was the kind of person to go through with it. 

“Y/N! Oh my, Nat said you were here. I’ve just laid the table dinner will be ready in about twenty minutes which is just long enough for you to catch me up on your life! Sorry Buck, but she’s with me until dinner. Then you can have her back” Wanda said not offering Bucky or Y/N a second option. 

----

“So Y/N where have you been?” Tony asked as they all sat down at the table “it’s like you dropped off the face of the earth

“Just around,” She said quietly 

“I came by your apartment, but it was empty” Tony said, 

“I had to move out” 

“You moved out?” Nat said “How come?” She said worry filling her voice 

“Life happens” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. Bucky’s eyes fell on her face, watching how her eyes studied her plate not daring to look up 

“Well things always find a way of getting better” Wanda said squeezing Y/N’s hand on the top of the table 

“How about you guys, I’ve seen good things on the news” Y/N said softly 

“We’re okay” Steve said, 

“I”m pleased,” Y/N said with a smile that didn’t quite meet her eyes, 

“What’s your new apartment like?” Wanda asked, 

“It’s nice” Y/N said gently , 

“You should give me the address,” Tony said commandingly 

“I’ll send it over to you, I still don’t quite know it off by heart” She said, it was a lie. Bucky knew it was a lie, even if he couldn’t hear her heartbeat pick up, he would be able to tell from the way she couldn’t look at anyone in their eye. 

“What part of town is it?” Steve pressed, 

“I really appreciate you guys having me for dinner but I’m going to head home” She said quickly, “I’ll see you guys around” She said picking up her coat, 

“I'm sorry if I said something wrong” Steve apologised quickly, he should’ve known better than to press her, Bucky thought

“You don’t need to” Tony said trying to savour the dinner 

“Why don’t you stay for a movie?” Wanda suggested, 

“I need to go” She said standing up and quickly hurrying out of the room 

A gentle silence fell across the room, “I shouldn’t have asked her” Steve said 

“It’s not on you” Wanda said “I don’t think that anyone could have convinced her to open up to us” 

“I’ll find her address and go over tomorrow, it’ll be easier without anyone else there” Tony said fiercely, 

“She won’t talk to you” Bucky said 

“And she’ll talk to you?” Tony snapped “You’re the reason we are in this mess in the first place. She is my friend and I will do what I think is right” 

“What even happened when you broke up?” Wanda asked 

“ Nothing” Bucky said 

“Don’t lie” Tony snapped 

“What the hell did you do? I thought you two were fine” Nat asked 

“You told us all you two were fine after the breakup” Wanda said 

“Leave him alone” Steve said sternly 

Bucky sighed softly “She just came to drop off a shirt” 

“Nobody drops off a shirt after a year” Tony said “She wanted to see you and you couldn’t even give her the time of day” He snapped 

“She’ll be okay, I’ll come with you tomorrow, we can check in on her” Wanda said 

Bucky didn’t dare to say anything, he just nodded gently. It was a thank you, all be it a silent one, but a thank you none the less. 

----

“Tony, you need to see this” Wanda said as an alert popped up on the screen alerting Tony to a new message, they had been in Tony's lab for a few hours scouting out Y/N's new apartment.

“Have you seen where she is living?” Tony said scanning through the photos that FRIDAY had brought up on his screen “it’s worse than I thought”  

“Tony now” Wanda said fiercely,

“What is it?” Tony asked, turning around, his face dropping when he saw the screen. “Is that?” 

“Y/N” Wanda finished

“Who sent this” Tony asked 

“I don’t know, it’s anonymous. I can’t trace the signal either” 

“FRIDAY, call the team and get them into the conference room now” 

“Yes Mr Stark” FRIDAY answered 

“We can’t tell Bucky” Wanda said, 

“We can and we will because he is going to help us” 

“That’s a bad idea” Wanda said 

“He once was one the best assassins, no debate. As much as I don’t like the tinman, he can and will help us” Tony said leaving little room for debate. 

“Tony what the hell? We’re meant to have the week off of missions” Nat said, sitting down in a chair with a mug of coffee nursed in her hands

“This is different” Tony said, 

“How so?” Steve asked 

“This is personal” Tony said sternly, 

“It’s Y/N” Wanda whispered, 

“What happened to her?” Bucky asked 

“I was sent this video” Tony said

 “We thought it was best we watched it together” Wanda added 

“FRIDAY, play the video please”

The screen went dark for a moment and then lit up with a picture of Y/N locked in a room, Bucky felt a strange wave of familiarity wash over him 

“Tell your friends what we want” A voice spoke, it sent chills down Bucky’s spine, he put her in this position. He had done everything to keep her safe, after all these years, this was his fault. 

“They won’t come” Y/N’s voice was strangely calm 

“Don’t be difficult girl, tell them what we want” The voice spoke again 

“You want the soldier, you want someone who’s gone. But here’s the catch. Even if he wasn’t gone, even if the solider still existed he wouldn’t come. Not for me.” She said 

“We’ve done our research” The voice mused, there was a hint of amusement in it’s voice, as though it had caught Y/N out, 

“Your research is wrong. I haven’t spoken to Bucky in a year, he does’t care” Y/N snapped, a gunshot sounded through the conference room, making them jump 

“Turn it off” Bucky’s voice was quiet but cut through the entire room 

“Shooting blanks at me won’t work” Y/N snapped “If you’re going to kill me then kill me”

“Turn it off” Bucky said once more 

“We want the soldat” The voice behind the camera spoke 

“Then you’ll have to find someone who he cares about, because it  isn’t me” She snapped 

“You have six hours or she dies” 

The camera turned off and the room went dark. All eyes turned to Bucky, 

“When was this sent?” He said 

“Barely ten minutes ago” Wanda answered softly, 

“Let’s start at her apartment” Steve said firmly “Wanda, Clint you’re with me, Tony, Nat you should try and find something from the video, there might be an idea of where they’re keeping her.” 

“I need to go as well” Bucky said 

“No” Wanda said “You need to stay away from this” 

“I spent years tracking people down, I think I’m the best chance we have to finding Y/N” He said challenging anyone to speak out against him

“I’ll go as support” Sam said patting Bucky’s back comfortingly. 

“We need to go, now” Steve said 

----

Steve’s skin crawled at the sight of Y/N’s apartment.  He hesitated before pushing the door open, it creaked and echoed through the tiny studio. Clothes were thrown across the room, plates were stacked up by the sink, two blankets were half heartedly thrown across the bed, no sign of a duvet or pillow. Bucky had to tear his eyes away from her apartment for a minute to regain his composure. 

“I can’t believe she was staying here” Wanda said stepping into it

“It was a means to an end” Steve said, 

“I should have helped her” Wanda sighed softly, her eyes falling on the pile of clothes in the corner of the room,  

“We didn’t know” Clint said

“We should have” Wanda snapped “Look at how she was living, we should have been able to help” 

“She was always good at surviving” Steve said firmly 

“She shouldn’t have had to be, we are her friends and the moment her and Bucky split we left her” Wanda said, tears building in her eyes 

“They must have taken her here, look at the mess” Steve said changing the subject quickly,

“No” Bucky said softly “This is Y/N” Bucky said with a sigh

“What do you mean?” Clint asked “this is normal?” 

“When she got busy, she used to get messy, never put things away. Found it hard to do anything” Bucky said swallowing tightly  “We argued about it” He admitted 

“So did they take her here, or not?” Sam asked 

“Not here, this is normal for her. It didn’t happen here” Bucky said firmly

“Ok so that’s something” Sam said, attempting at a loose sense of positivity

“It must’ve happened by the compound” Wanda said “think about it, if they wanted Bucky then surely they’d be keeping tabs on him. When she left last night they must have taken the next best thing to get to him” She said 

“We need to look at security cameras”  Clint suggested 

“Who wants Bucky though?” Sam said, “I think we’re focussing too much on Y/N, rather than on what they want” 

“Hydra” Steve said through pursed lips 

“It can’t be” Wanda said 

“It has to be” Clint confirmed “It makes the most sense” 

“So who are we looking at? Zemo?” Sam asked 

“Maybe” Steve said “Doesn’t feel right though”, Steve’s thought was cut short by his phone ringing 

“Steve, I’ve got an address” Tony said, “suit up”

----

Bucky couldn’t stop shaking, he’d been on tougher missions, he’d been in tougher briefings, he had almost died more times than he could count. But this felt like the worst day of his life, 

“We’ve been sent an address,” Tony said 

“It’s a trap” Nat said 

“We don’t know that” Steve suggested, “Who sent it to you?” 

“It came with a video, it was from the same people as before” 

“What’s the video?” Sam asked, noticing the tension that had fallen across the room, 

Tony instructed FRIDAY to play the video, Y/N’s face was brought up on the screen, 

“Y/N tell them what you just told me” The voice spoke 

“No” She spat through gritted teeth, her hair was matted with blood which dripped slowly from a wound on her hair line, her face was bruised and Bucky was silently pleased he could only see to the base on her neck, anymore and he was sure he would throw up. The skin he had once pressed kisses to so gently was purple and blotted with blood. 

“Our captive here has a death wish” The voice said again, “She had her little suicide letters in her pocket when we caught her” it sneered 

“Shut the hell up” Y/N snapped, there was something in her eyes that scared Bucky, she looked so void of the love that she had once been filled with 

“She was on the top of a building when we found her, she’s only got 3 hours left avengers. Are you going to give in to her wishes?” 

“Just kill me” She whispered 

“What was that?” The voice asked, it was mocking her, teasing her, it was a sight that Bucky couldn’t stand 

“Kill me!” She shouted, her voice sent chills down each of the spines of her old friends “Just kill me” She said settling into a bought of sobs, 

The video stopped and cut to a map with a pin placed directly in it. 

“We need to go” Steve said “We leave in 5” 

----

The quinjet landed softly and Bucky could feel a knot growing in his stomach, he had been on enough rescue missions to know the ways that this could go. It was an old hydra base, one that Bucky was sure should’ve been emptied years ago. But here it stood, admittedly it was partly falling down but the cells were deep underground and the structures were built to last. He knew that much well enough, if he strained his ears he would swear that he could hear Y/N’s cries, but he convinced himself it was all in his head. 

“She’s going to be okay” Steve said 

“I can’t loose her Steve” Bucky admitted “I’ve lost her once, I can’t watch her die” 

“Then don’t let her” Steve said 

Bucky followed behind the rest of the team, Wanda stood beside him, 

“Do you want me to take the fear away?” She asked under her breath, knowing nobody else would be able to hear her 

“No, I need it” Bucky said, he didn’t explain anything else but Wanda nodded, 

“Let’s go get Y/N home” Wanda said

Bucky followed Tony’s lead, any other mission he would have tried to take the lead off of Tony but he couldn’t for this. Y/N needed Tony’s planning, Y/N’s life couldn’t be in Bucky’s hands. He would never forgive himself if anything happened. They descended into the base, it was too quiet for Bucky’s liking. Hydra would never have kept it this quiet, something was wrong. 

“Welcome home soldat” the words echoed through the halls, 

“They know we are here” Steve muttered, 

“She’s down here” Tony said, taking another set of steps downwards, Bucky could hear her shallow breaths getting louder slowly with each step he took. 

“Y/N?” Steve called out, 

“I told you to fucking kill me” Y/N screamed,  Tony immediately picked up the pace to a run following the sound of her voice.  Their footsteps echoed through the concrete walls, as they came across a long hallway filled with cells made of glass. Bucky’s skin crawled at the sight. This was what he wanted to protect Y/N from, she shouldn’t see this.  

“KIll me” Her voice rang through the cells, 

“Soldat” Bucky turned to find the voice behind him. “Do the honours?” The man said, he was older than Bucky thought he would be. 

“We’re surrounded” Steve said, 

“There’s no getting out of this” The man sneered, 

“That’s kind of where you are wrong” Tony said smartly, “You really think there’s only four of us?” He laughed 

“What?” 

“The rest of our team have cleared out your base, and they’re on their way” He said with a smirk “Also not only have we got two super soldiers, we’ve also got a freaky witch and me, ironman, you might of heard of me” 

“Ironman, you forget. You have an unstable winter soldier on your team, All I have to do is say a few words and he’s under my control right?” 

“Doesn’t work anymore” Bucky snapped 

“I’m bored” Nat said sneaking up from behind, with a wicked grin she pulled the trigger and the body fell to the ground with a thud. Instantly Bucky turned and shot the guard who was keeping him surrounded “God why are all the people we go against so boring” Nat said with a huff, once they had dealt with the guards. 

“Let’s just get Y/N” Tony said letting out a breath. 

Wanda took a step away from the group into a nearby cell, it was as though she felt her. 

“Guys she’s here” Wanda called, 

Bucky took a deep breath and turned the corner, Y/N sat slumped on a chair, out of breath and covered in bruises and dried blood. 

“Please” She whimpered 

“We’re going to get you out of here” Wanda said slowly untying her gently 

“Please no” She cried 

“You’re safe” Steve said kneeling at her side 

“No Please, let me go” She said 

“We’re letting you go, you’re going to be ok” 

“No, please” She sobbed again “You have to let me die” She cried as Wanda pulled the ties away from her 

“Y/N, we can’t do that” Steve said, 

“You’re going to be okay” Tony promised

“Just let me go please?” 

“And another thing, I didn’t even want to go to Nat’s stupid New Year’s eve party” Bucky screamed ‘I wanted to be at home with you’ was the bit he failed to include in his insult. 

“You told me you wanted to be with people you loved on New Year’s Eve, I thought it would be fun” She shouted back “You think it was fun for me? Because it fucking wasn’t. All I wanted to do was come home, the whole night, but you wanted to keep drinking” She seethed, Bucky wanted to tell her it wasn’t true. He didn’t want to drink, but he stupidly got caught up in the party. 

“Now you’re going to get at me for drinking? Like you don’t do it every single weekend” He shouted, “Thor never brings that fucking mead, I deserved to have a nice night” He was being mean intentionally, but he couldn’t stop. 

“I never said you didn’t Buck” She said her voice suddenly quieter, Bucky should have noticed it was because she was getting upset but he didn’t. 

“Do you have any idea how hard I’ve been working? I just wanted one nice night” Bucky should have stopped himself, he knows he should stop but he couldn’t. He was angry at himself for not putting his foot down and saying he wanted to spend time with just Y/N. 

“One nice night?” Y/N parroted “The nights we have aren’t nice? Is that what you’re saying?” 

“No! You’re twisting my words” Bucky snapped, he spoke with insecurity but it came across as anger and Y/N didn’t like that 

“Because I’m the bad guy right? James Bucky Barnes can’t put a foot wrong, but I can. That’s all I do right?” Y/N said, her fears coming to the surface. The insecurity was all from her messed up childhood, Bucky knew that from their late night chats, when they’d lay next to each other and confess everything, but he didn’t realise that the fear was seeping into their relationship. 

“That’s not what this is about” Bucky said realising suddenly how far he had taken the fight, and how distraught Y/N was becoming 

“Isn’t it?” Y/N snapped, her eyes locked onto Bucky as a target.

“You’re making this worse than it needs to be” Bucky said, unknowingly adding more fuel to the fire 

“Yeah that’s me isn’t it? Making everything worse. Don’t worry Buck, I get it” She snapped turning away from Bucky 

“Where the hell are you going?” He called after her 

“Downstairs Buck, I need some space away from you right now” She stormed out of their bedroom and down the stairs. Bucky sat down on their bed with his head in his hands, he had just fucked everything up. 

Taking a deep breath Bucky decided to set an alarm for 10 minutes, and once it had gone off he would go and speak to Y/N calmly about his feelings. That was how they were going to fix it. He knew he had messed up but he would fix it. 

Y/N stood in their hallway, and listened to Bucky close their bedroom door. She knew she had blown things out of proportion, she had made things worse. The little voice in her head told her she had messed things up seriously this time. There was no coming back from this. Bucky hated her, she knew that much. The thought along was enough to almost break her, pulling on her trainers she left the house silently, following the little voice down the streets. She twisted and turned around the streets she used to love walking with Bucky, but now they just felt like they were taunting her as she remembered the kisses they had shared at the bus stop, and the stray cat they had wanted to adopt by the street corner.  She couldn’t cope with it, so she began to run. 

The wind blew in her ears, the kind of fierce that stopped her from having to think, it was dark and the street lamps did little to ease her discomfort. She was on her way home, in the desperate hope that Bucky was asleep, or at Steve’s or Sam’s. She had no idea of the time,  having left her phone at home in Bucky’s jacket pocket most likely, but she sent a silent prayer to the sky that it was late enough that Bucky wouldn’t still be around. She couldn’t face him, not after everything she had done. Her mother was right, she wasn’t made for relationships, she would always mess them up, and now she had screwed up the only good thing she had going for her. This was it. She was done. Y/N didn’t notice the way her hands shivered a little with the cold biting wind, with her furious mood and growing insecurity she had forgotten a coat.  As she turned onto her and Bucky’s street the tears started again, this really was the end. Her and Bucky were about to be done, finished, ended. 

So much for their year. She mused to herself silently, revelling in the cruel twist of fate, her mother was right. 

Pushing the handle of the door down quietly, in the hope to not wake Bucky if he was in, Y/N creaked the door open. She took a shaky step into the house, listening out for Bucky. When she was satisfied that there was no sound of him she closed the door behind her and took off her shoes. 

“Y/N?” Bucky’s shaky voice called out, she froze. “Baby?” He said coming into the hall, Y/N put her hand back on the door handle, she was ready to run again, this was not a conversation she was ready to have. 

“Don’t you dare ever scare me like that again” He said wrapping his arms around her tensed body, Y/N kept herself tensed, she was ready to run if she needed. 

“I know you’re scared, I know you think you’ve messed this all up but I swear to you this whole argument is on me” he said refusing to let her out of his embrace, 

“Bucky stop” she said quietly 

“I’m sorry” He said dropping his arms, she looked up at him with red eyes “Could you come and sit down in the lounge for me?” He asked 

“I should go” 

“No” Bucky said “You’re going to come and sit down and we are going to talk about this, because we are bigger than your insecurities and we are going to fix this” he said, 

“Oh,” Y/N said “oh” She repeated once the words had settled into her head “You aren’t breaking up with me?” 

“Come on doll, come sit down for me?” He said 

“Ok” She said, following Bucky through their house. 

Y/N settled herself into an armchair, where she could curl her legs up underneath herself. Bucky opted for the sofa opposite her, picking up on the fact that she didn’t want to touch him just yet. 

“Before we start, the next time you need to get away you tell me where you’re going. I was terrified doll, I know the kind of people that are out there and if you need space, please let me come with you. I promise I won’t walk beside you or speak to you but I need to know you are safe.” Bucky said “Please?” 

“I’m sorry Buck” She said,

“No apologies. We have to make mistakes to fix them for the future yeah?” He said 

“I don think I can do this Bucky. All your friends hate me, I invited you to a party you didn’t want to be at, I asked you to cut down your missions. Everything I do, makes me the issue in this relationship” She said, 

“That’s not true, everyone loves you—”

“No they don’t, they put up with me” 

“No, no, Y/N. Please don’t do this. I know you’re spiralling, I know that you’ve always been made to believe that its your fault. But I swear to you this one is on me. I wanted to spend New Years Eve with just you. I wanted to kiss you at midnight, but I fucked up. I got drunk and neglected you. You should have been my priority at midnight, not that stupid drink” 

“I should’ve let you have fun” Y/N said 

“No, I should have kissed you” Bucky said, his tone was final and Y/N didn’t want to argue anymore. 

“I didn’t deserve it” 

“You don’t have to earn love” Bucky said, moving to the carpeted space in front of Y/N’s armchair, taking Y/N’s hands in his he pressed a gentle kiss to her knuckles “I love you, I want to spend my life with you and I will spend every single moment apologising to you for the way I acted” 

“I’m sorry for saying all those mean things Buck” Y/N said “I didn’t mean them I just wanted to make myself the bad person so you could hate me. I wanted you to hate me” 

“Why did you want that?” Bucky asked after pressing another kiss to her hand 

“So you’d end things, so my fears could come true. It’s sadistic, but I guess I’m always just waiting for the end so I just wanted it to happen. Like ripping a bandage off” 

“Oh Y/N” Bucky said gently “You never have to be scared of me leaving. We will always work through our issues, you’re my life. You’re my world, this is it for me.” 

“So you’re not waiting for me to fuck up so you can leave?” 

“No, I’m not” Bucky said 

“I’m sorry” she whispered 

“No more apologies” Bucky whispered “Please let me hold you baby? We can talk more in the morning I promise. But right now I just need to hold you”

“Cap?” Tony asked, 

“I agree” Steve said, 

“So do I” Sam added, 

Bucky stayed silent.

“Fine, I’ll reroute to the hospital” Tony said with a sigh. 

“Mr Stark, Dr Cho told me you were on your way, I’m Doctor Simmonds, I’ll be treating Y/N today,” A doctor said meeting Tony at the entrance door to the Quinjet, 

“You need to treat this girl as though she’s one of ours, understand?” Tony said firmly, 

“I understand” He said simply following a few nurses as they placed Y/N onto a stretcher and carried her into the hospital, “Can you tell me the extent of her injuries?” He asked 

“We haven’t examined her” Nat interrupted, “She was held for around 23 hours, we are unsure of what happened.” 

“I understand, now if you could all wait outside. I’m going to examine her and let you know what I’ve found” He said as he disappeared behind a closed door that Y/N was lying behind. 

“We should have gone in with her” Steve said, 

“He needs to do his job, and we need to wait” Wanda softly said, there was a nervous edge to her words, Bucky picked up on it. 

“Coffee anyone?” Nat suggested, a few nodded, “Bucky come help me” She said 

“You can handle it” Bucky said his gaze still on the floor 

“Now Bucky” Nat left no room for argument and Bucky followed her silently through the halls. “You need to tell me what happened” She said firmly 

“I don’t know what you mean” Bucky replied 

“When you broke up, what the hell happened?” Nat said, her eyes flaming with something Bucky didn’t want to deal with 

“We broke up” he said bluntly “There isn’t anything else to say” 

“You’ve been seeing other people whilst she’s been planning her suicide” She whispered fiercely, “What the hell did you do to her?”  It was one of the only times Bucky had seen Nat loose her cool in such a dramatic way, 

“Nothing happened” He reiterated simply 

“Don’t be that guy” nat snapped, “Five coffee’s please, black, double shot in all of them” She said to the girl stood starstruck behind the counter 

“Look, nothing happened” Bucky said “We split” 

“Who made the decision?” 

“I did” he replied, his eyes fixating on his boots once more, 

“Why?” 

“We didn’t work together, do you need a full rundown on my life?” He snapped louder than he wanted, 

“Just on your breakup” Nat replied quickly, “Why didn’t you work?” 

“I couldn’t do it, she was too much.” He didn’t mean it, he didn’t know how he could explain it in any other way to Nat 

“Too much how?” 

“Here you are” the girl behind the counter placed the coffees down, Nat muttered a thank you. 

“I like my life, I like being alone. I enjoy coming home alone. I don’t need anyone else in my life to look after,” He snapped, 

“You’re not telling the truth” Nat whispered “You forget, I used to be the best interrogator that SHIELD had ever seen. I see through you Bucky, and whatever you did to hurt that girl—”

“I told her I didn’t love her,” he whispered “I told her she was too much for me. Told her that she was naive and young and stupid.  I said that I didn’t want to deal with her or look after her or have to love her” 

“Why would you do that?” 

“Because I was scared, she is good. She is innocent, and kind, and gentle, and she kissed me as if I was good too. I’m not. So I ended things, and I said things that I won’t ever repeat because the words already haunt me enough” he sighed “I dated those girls after her because they weren’t good people, or nice people, I suited them better, there wasn’t anything to ruin. With Y/N, I was killing her slowly and she didn’t even know it” Bucky said, his chest heaving once he finished , 

“Bucky” Nat started, 

“I needed her to hate me” He said softly, 

“You failed” Tony said from behind him, “I came to help get the coffee” He explained once Nat gave him a confused look “She doesn’t hate you, she hates herself. I dread to think what she’s been thinking of herself the past few months because of you” 

“Tony enough” Nat stopped him 

“Y/N is lying in a hospital bed sedated because he was a coward” Tony snapped, “When she wakes up, you best hope that she forgives you, because if there’s a shred of anything other than forgiveness in her words I will kill you” He said turning and walking away. His words were calm, and collected, Bucky knew he was sincere. It should have scared him, but it didn’t. 

“Mr Stark?” Dr Simmonds asked coming out of Y/N’s room, 

“How is she?” Tony stood up from the uncomfortable plastic chair, 

“We need to admit her to an inpatient facility” His voice made Bucky’s blood run cold, “In order to do this I need a signature from her next of kin” he continued to explain, “I reached out to her sister, who is on file as her next of kin, except it seems that she passed away a few months back and I need to know if there are any other living relatives for me to contact for permission” The room went silent, 

“Her sister died?” Wanda parroted 

“According to our records around ten months ago” Dr Simmonds said, 

“She doesn’t have any other family, her parents died when she was little and her sister was all she had left” Bucky said stoically 

“This isn’t the answer you’re going to want to hear but without a next of kin I can’t admit her” Dr Simmonds explained softly 

“We can look after her at the compound” Tony said, 

“Tony, we can’t make a decision like that without talking to her” Steve cut in. 

“I agree with the Captain, Mr Stark. She’s still drowsy from the sedation but uprooting her in the state she’s in isn’t a good idea” 

“What state is she in?” Nat asked 

“She’s malnourished, dehydrated, exhausted. Nothing physically wrong apart from a few minor lacerations and bruising, but she’s not been taking care of herself. If you hadn’t told me she’d only been taken for 24 hours I’d have guessed it would have been at least 3 months” He explained 

“She’s depressed” Tony muttered softly 

“Without talking to her at length I can’t make that diagnosis, she’s clearly grieving her sister. Amongst other things but I don’t know what those are yet. I’ve asked for psych to come and give her a full examination just so we know what we are dealing with. But without a next of kin, my hands are tied” 

“What about an old next of kin?” Bucky asked slowly, 

“Y/N would have to sign off on it, are you a past next of kin for her?” The Dr asked, eyeing Bucky with a look of distain, the pieces clicking into place slowly. Bucky nodded, “I’d have to check with the board” The Dr explained. 

“Can we see her?” Wanda asked changing the subject quickly. 

“I will ask her, but I’m not promising anything” Dr Simmonds said with a nod, retuning back behind the closed door.  

The next few minutes were painful, nobody dared to sit down in case Y/N asked to see them. Bucky could hear muffled voices behind the door and it killed him that Y/N was so close but he couldn’t reach her, he wouldn’t dare to reach her in case of anything making her worse. 

“Mr Stark” Dr Simmonds said stepping out the room, “She has agreed to see you” 

Tony didn’t say a word and instead followed the doctor through the door and into the room. Y/N was sat in bed, restraints lay idle on the bed, untied, Tony’s eyes went straight to them. 

“They took them off about an hour ago” She said quietly, knowing what Tony was thinking. 

“How are you feeling?” He asked carefully sitting in a plastic chair that had been placed at her bedside, 

“I’m sorry” She said, calmly. 

“None of that” Tony said firmly, patting her hand comfortingly 

“I didn’t want anyone to know, I just needed it to be over” She said “And then they came and it seemed like the best way out. I’m sorry I put you through all that” 

“You don’t need to apologise,” Tony said “Let me help you, please?” 

“I’ve spoken to the doctor, lots of doctors and I’m okay. Really. I’m okay” She promised sincerely

“They want to admit you” Tony said slowly, watching as Y/N’s face fell, 

“They said”

“They can’t though, because of your next of kin. They need a signature and it—”

“She’s dead” Y/N bluntly whispered  

“I would like for you to come and live at the compound for the next few weeks, just until you get back on your feet” He said softly 

“I won’t put you or anyone else through that” 

“You mean Bucky” Tony said, he knew it was risky to bring him up but he needed to know how best to help Y/N. 

Y/N’s eyes glazed over sadly, and she pulled her knees up to her chest. 

“This isn’t his fault. Believe it or not the breakup was actually probably the least bad thing that happened this year” She said with a half hearted chuckle, 

“I’m sorry, I should have been there for you” Tony said, “everyone is here to help. Just let us look after you for a week. That’s all” 

“I promise I’m okay” 

“I know you are, I need to do this for me, let me help” Tony said, it was a lie. He needed to know that Y/N was somewhere safe and once she was there for a week he could convince her to stay longer, he was sure of it. 

“One week” 

“One week” Tony nodded. 

Tony had instructed Wanda, Bucky and Steve to set up a room for Y/N whilst he filled out some paperwork for Y/N. 

“How are you feeling?” Steve asked Bucky as they walked through the empty compound, towards one of the guest rooms, 

“I don’t think you should be asking me that” Bucky kept his eyes trained on the ground. His shoulders hunched, 

“This is as hard on you as it is on her” Wanda said 

“It’s not, I never tried to end my life. I made her do that. It was my words that forced her into that position” Bucky said, his filter had gone, he was bleeding raw emotions onto the floor of the compound and he couldn’t stop. 

“That wasn’t your fault, you can’t stay with someone just in case they get depressed when you leave. That’s basically blackmail” Steve said 

“She didn’t deserve this. I promised her I’d be with her for the rest of her life. I swore she’d never be alone again and then I left. I’m no better than anyone else in her life” 

“She doesn’t hate you” Wanda said, 

“What?” Bucky asked, 

“I read the letter, I didn’t think I was going to but I couldn’t stop myself” Wanda said pulling it out of her pocket “but she told me that it wasn’t your fault” 

“Stop” Bucky said, 

“Bucky she didn’t do it because of you” Wanda said 

“She needs some plants in here” Bucky said firmly as they opened up the door to Y/N’s new room, 

“Buck” Steve started 

“And her fairy lights, on the ceiling, she likes them to look like stars” Bucky continued. “We don’t have very long, we need to get started”

taglist

—

Bucky stopped outside Y/N’s apartment door, he had argued for her to let him walk her home after she had refused because it would be too late for Bucky to get home to his own apartment, knowing it was at least an hour walk. But of course, Bucky had refused and wanted to make sure Y/N was safe. 

“Would you like to come in?” She asked softly, holding on to Bucky’s hand, looking up at him with tired eyes, 

“You’re tired doll, you need some sleep” Bucky said gently, “Go to bed, and I can call you in the morning” 

“What if you stayed over? We could watch a movie and I can sleep on the sofa so you don’t need to feel uncomfortable. It’s late and I’ll feel awful if you have to walk home now” She said, watching Bucky hopefully “of course if it would make you uncomfortable we don’t have to” She said quickly 

“I’d love that doll, and we can share the bed too if you’re comfortable, or I can take the sofa, it’s only fair?” He suggested, the thought of Y/N sleeping on the sofa physically hurting his heart, a sensation he wasn’t used to. 

“Let’s share, it’ll be like a sleepover! Ooh I think I have some snacks too” She beamed tiredly leading Bucky into her apartment. 

Bucky stepped inside slowly following Y/N’s lead, it smelt like vanilla, and sugar, warm lighting flooded the room as Y/N turned on her fairy lights and lamps. It wasn’t big, just two rooms really, Bucky knew it was only a small apartment so he wasn’t expecting much but the moment he stepped inside he could already picture himself living there. 

“My room is just through there, I’ll get us some snacks if you want to pick a movie? Remote is on the bed” She smiled pressing a kiss to Bucky’s cheek, a move that she hadn’t done before and one that made Bucky’s heart squeeze with joy, 

“Sure you don’t need help?” He asked, wanting to soak up every possible moment he could with Y/N

“No, go get comfy and I’ll be there in a second” She said

— 

Bucky did as he was told and took himself through to Y/N’s bedroom which was exactly how he had imaged, a soft pink blanket lay over her white silk sheets, a couple of house plants sat on the windowsill soaking up the moonlight. Y/N’s bedroom was totally normal apart from two big cinema cameras pointed towards the bed.  Bucky felt his whole word collapse the second he registered what they were. Sam had told him about this, a few months back but Bucky remembers the whole conversation. Sam had told him about ways many people had started making money, and Bucky couldn’t believe that Y/N was attempting to make Bucky help her with it. He knew that there would be an ‘adult’ market for those type of films including him, he had seen enough tweets, texts and had been sent enough letters to know there was a large following of women who wanted to know more about how he was in the bedroom particularly. It made him feel sick. Y/N was using him. She was using him for his body. Squaring out his shoulders he gripped his jacket tight and headed back out into her lounge. 

“Y/N, I’ve got to run. Sam just texted, he needs me over there. Some kind of emergency. I’m so sorry” He lied smoothly, knowing that Y/N wouldn’t see through it, he was too good for that. 

“Oh” She sighed, her sad eyes almost made Bucky regret his decision until he remembered what she was trying to do. “Do you need me to come with you? Is Sam okay?” She asked quickly, 

“No, it’s fine. I just really need to go” Bucky said, stepping closer to the door “I had a nice night, but I just don’t think this is going to work, I’m not feeling this. I should go.” He suggested knowing that the moment he was on his way to Sam’s he’d block her number.

“I understand, I’ll see you around I guess?” She said wrapping her arms around herself as she watched Bucky leave her apartment

Setting off on a run he headed straight to Sam’s. 

—

“You’re kidding” Sam said with a laugh as he passed Bucky a beer, “She was a porn-star?” He chuckled 

“It’s not funny, I think she wanted to get me to do a video with her” He said with a huff 

“Well you know there’s a big market for winter soldier porn, do you remember that women who sent you her panties” Sam laughed “To be honest, from the photos she sent you should have taken her up on those offers” He said with a grin, Bucky knew he was teasing 

“Don’t be crude” Bucky said, hating the way this conversation was going “I don’t have a problem with it, if she does do it, but trying to get me to do it with her?” He sighed,

“Do you think she’s really was trying to?” Sam asked seriously taking a sip of his beer 

“It was all set up for it, mood lighting, background all perfectly set and the fucking camera’s Sam! IT makes sense now why she would never tell me about her work” Bucky said, 

“Let’s google her, I bet her videos will come up. We can see what she’s like, and maybe you could join in” Sam said with a wink. Pulling up his laptop and typing in her name. 

After a few quick clicks Sam’s face fell 

“Is it bad?” Bucky questioned 

“You are a dick” 

“What?” Bucky asked feeling instantly defensive at Sam’s accusatory tone 

“She’s not a fucking porn star you idiot. She’s a influencer” Sam said turning the laptop around and showing Bucky Y/N’s YouTube page, hundreds of videos showed up of her chatting to the camera, and sitting doing her makeup. 

“An influencer?” 

“Yes, you really screwed up there Buck. She looks like the most wholesome girl out there” Sam said clicking onto a video. 

“Hello my loves, welcome back to my channel.” Sam skipped forward in the video “What is your love life like? Well that’s a very good question, that finally has a more exciting answer, I have actually met someone, it’s very early days and we’ve only been on two dates so far, but oh he’s so wonderful!” She beamed, Bucky could practically feel his heart dropping as he heard her gushing about him 

“Sam, how do I fix this?” He asked, pulling out his phone 

“I think you need to explain what’s happened” He said “I mean she might not want to hear you out, sounds like you were kind of a dick” Sam admitted 

“Not helping” Bucky said pressing on her number, the phone call rung a few times, and then stopped 

“Hello?” Y/N’s voice said through the phone, she sounded upset, Bucky hated it 

“Hey Y/N, it’s Bucky” he said quickly 

“Is everything ok?” She asked, her tone was curt something Bucky wasn’t used to from her 

“Can I come over?” 

“Bucky I’m really not in the mood right now” She said honestly 

“I fucked up”

“What are you talking about?” 

“Please can I come over?” He asked 

“I guess” She said quietly, 

“I’ll be there in fifteen” 

—

Bucky sat on Y/N’s sofa, his jacket and shoes still on. Y/N had made him a coffee and was sat away from him on one of her beanbags, 

“I’m so sorry Y/N” He said 

“What’s going on Bucky?” She asked 

“I saw the cameras and thought you were a” he coughed, still not used to the modern open way of talking about porn “a porn-star” he said 

“So what if I am” She challenged,

“I thought you were trying to use me for a video, there’s a um, well there’s a demand for it” He said “I get a few letters a month from women who want to see, uh who, want to see that” he stammered 

“You thought I was using you?” She said 

“I did, and I went to Sam and we, well we googled you” 

“So you know I’m not a porn star then? Just a boring old influencer” She huffed crossing her arms 

“I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions” 

“No you shouldn’t have, I thought you’d know me well enough to know I wouldn’t use you” She snapped 

“I was wrong and I’m so sorry” he said quickly “Please Y/N give me another chance” 

“One more Bucky, and I’m going to show you every single paper that I can find on why sex work is real work, I understand that you’re not used to it. But that doesn’t mean you can be that judgemental about it” 

“I swear I will read everything you give me” Bucky said 

“One more chance” she said 

“Kiss me” Y/N repeated

“Doll, use your words. Need you to tell me what’s going on” he said gently gently rubbing his hands along her shoulders and arms.

“Oh my god Bucky do I have to spell it out to you? Kiss me” Y/N said with more force. Ripping herself out of his comforting hold

“I’m not saying no, but can you tell me what happened first and then I will” Bucky said trying to get Y/N to calm down, she was twisting her hair around a finger desperately as though she was trying to force some kind of comfort to her ever growing anxiety. She paced up and down Buckys wooden flooring.

“I’ll go and get Creepy Tom to kiss me if you don’t do it right now” she said stamping her foot desperately on Buckys wooden floor. She knew that Bucky wouldn’t let her go to Creepy Tom, he’d watched Y/N and Bucky too many times through his cracked door and Bucky hated it. Bucky crossed the room immediately and placed one hand on her hips and the other at the side of Y/Ns head. She leaned into his touch. He leaned in a little. But just before he ghosted over her lips he paused

“Is this ok?” He asked gently, letting Y/N lead him, without another word Y/N rose onto her tiptoes to meet his lips.

Bucky immediately pulled her closer, yearning to feel her lips always, but not wanting to over step the mark. Y/N wrapped her arms around Buckys neck pulling him closer and closer. She opened her lips a little and a tiny sob let slip. Bucky pulled away.

“Doll?” Bucky said searching her face, which was slowly beginning to trail tears down her cheeks “oh no no, doll, baby, talk to me. What did I do wrong?” He asked rubbing a thumb across her cheek and wiping away the tears

“It wasn’t you” she said detaching herself from Bucky and pressing herself into the wall behind her. As though she wanted to get away from Bucky, he didn’t like that.

“Can you talk to me?” He asked gently take a small step towards him.

“No, no, no Bucky it doesn’t. I can’t. It won’t” Y/N let out a string of disconnected words which Bucky couldn’t even string together

“One word at a time doll” he said gently squatting down and taking a hand in his “can you do that for me?” He added softly

“,Can’t breath” she huffed as her breathing quickened

“Doll focus on me. You’re safe. Listen to me doll, you’re ok. You’re safe. No one else is here. It is just us. Just your Bucky. You’re safe doll. You’re going to be ok” he said softly, Y/Ns panicked breathing slowed a little

“Sorry” she whispered. Her voice still raspy from the tears. She wiped them away aggressively rubbing her cheeks.

“No apologies, I don’t want them doll. I’m your friend that’s what I’m here for” he said

“I’m sorry” she said once more

“Can you tell me what’s going on?”

“He didn’t. And I keep. It’s just all wrong” she said starting each sentence for a few words before cutting herself off

“Come on baby, you’ve got this. Just do it slowly”

“He kissed me” she said the words slipping past her lips almost silently.

“That’s normally what people do on dates sweetheart”Bucky said trying to understand what Y/N was trying to say

“No Buck, he kissed me” she said desperately trying to get Bucky to understand what she was trying to say.

“I’m not understanding doll” he said quietly pushing for her to explain further.

“He didn’t ask for my consent to kiss me.” Y/N blurted out quickly.

“He what?!” Bucky said. Louder than he wanted to. But his vision was red.

“I could taste him the whole way home and I didn’t want to. I, I’m sorry Buck, I didn’t want to use you I just didn’t want to remember him anymore” Y/N rambled.

Bucky had to restrain himself from finding that guy and ripping him limb from limb. Watching as the light slowly left his eyes.

“He didn’t ask for your consent?” Y/N shook her head gently “He just kissed you?” She nodded slowly “You didn’t want it and he did it anyway?” Y/N nodded again “I’ll kill him” Bucky was serious. Y/N could tell.

“I’m sorry” Y/N cried

“No doll, don’t you apologise.” He said firmly “I’m sorry he thought that was ok” Bucky said remembering that his focus had to be the girl in front of him and not the asshole he was going to kill.

“I didn’t want him to kiss me” she repeated as she slid down the wall “I didn’t want it” she said

“Oh my doll, I know” Bucky said sitting himself next to her “can I hold you?” He asked gently. Knowing how important it was for him not to overstep. Y/N didn’t reply and just collapsed into his body and sobbed. Heartbreak, gut wrenching sobs.

“I didn’t want it Buck” she cried over and over again. The words becoming more angry and more distraught with each repetition.

Bucky stayed holding her, tight. He kissed her head, after asking of course. And let her cry. He soothed her with his gentle words and soft touches. It wasn’t much but it was enough to stop her sobs.

“Do you want to move to the sofa?” He asked, he could tell she was going to get a bad back if she stayed in the same position any longer.

“I should go home” she said

“No doll, you’re upset I don’t want you to be alone just yet doll” he said softly

“I don’t want to be an issue”

“You never could be. Stay the night?” He suggested knowing he didn’t want her to walk home at this hour, or be alone after the day she’d just had.

“Can’t do that” she said

“Why not doll? I’d love for you to stay the night doll” he added softly

“I can?”

“Sure you can stay, you’re in luck I changed my sheets today!” he said with a wink

“Will you stay with me?” She asked

“No” he said firmly not wanting to over step boundaries.

“No?” She repeated her eyes filling with tears

“Not tonight.” He said not meaning for it to come across as harsh as he had

“But buck I want you to” she said tears gently rolling down her cheeks “please don’t leave” she said quietly

“Ok doll, it’s ok. Take a deep breath for me okay?” Bucky said “I’ll stay with you if you want me to but I can sleep on the floor okay?”

“No. In the bed, buck please. Need you close. Please don’t go” she begged

“I told you, today’s important. No interruptions, no distractions, I’m all yours tonight but right now I have to go” He said harshly, the words came out much more venomous than Bucky had intended them 

“I know, I know, you’ve told me every day this week” Y/N huffed giving Bucky a patient smile, 

“I’ve got to go, I’ll see you tonight” Bucky said pressing yet another kiss to her forehead, Y/N had to stop herself from wincing at the pressure already building in her head. She watched as Bucky left their bedroom, she knew that the deal was too important for her to even attempt to get Bucky to stay and look after her. Reminding herself that it would only be at most 18 hours she laid her head back down on the pillow. Y/N tried to convince herself that she couldn’t get much worse in only a few hours. 

— — — 

Y/N was wrong, completely and utterly wrong. The gentle throbbing in her head had turned into pounding, she couldn’t stop herself from violently shaking despite however many blankets she pulled over herself. She reached out to grab the glass on water she kept on her bedside cabinet only to find it empty, with an exhausted groan she lifted herself up onto her feet, only to find her vision going blurry and the room turning black. 

Y/N blinked open her eyes to find herself on the soft carpet of the bedroom floor, she let out a painful sob as she reached for her phone, not daring to think about the consequences she pressed the speed dial button. 

“Buck” She whined 

— — — 

Bucky sat with his head in his hands as Stark sat opposite him, deals like this were his least favourite Stark was sarcastic and deadly smart. The kind of man Bucky hated having to sit in a room with, but it was better to suffer a few hours to have such a man as an ally. 

“I suppose we should start talking numbers then” Stark said eyeing Bucky up and down, before Bucky could even think to open his mouth his phone cut him off, his obnoxiously loud ringtone filled the office, “Something else more important?” Stark said with a raised brow 

“Of course not” Bucky said quickly declining the call, not bothering to look at the caller

“Good, well I was thinking—” Stark was cut off by the ringtone once more, Bucky quickly fumbled to put his phone on do not disturb, only to find it already was. He had to resist screaming in frustration as he realised Y/N’s were the only calls to go through Do Not Disturb. She knew how important it was to him and here she was running it. “It seems you have something else to attend” Stark said 

“I apologise Stark, this rarely happens” Bucky insisted “Shall we continue?” Bucky suggested, 

“Sure” Stark said warily, 

“I believe you were about to tell me what you were—” Bucky said only to be cut off once more by the piecing ringtone. 

“Listen Barnes, I understand that whatever and whoever that is needs your attention. I’m a busy man Barnes so I will try to reschedule but I am making no promises” Stark said standing up and straightening out his suit 

“We have the day, I will turn my phone off Stark. I apologise for this” He said flustering, he was loosing his cool and he hated it 

“We don’t have today anymore Barnes, I am going to think about my options” Stark said leaving Bucky’s door open as he left. 

Bucky roared a string of curse words and saw red. After a few moments he turned to look at his trashed office, but his anger hadn’t disappeared not one bit, there was only one person he could focus his frustration on, and that was person who had lost him the most important deal of his life, Y/N. 

— — — —  

Bucky stormed into his house, rage filling his senses. Taking the stairs in twos he made his way towards his bedroom. 

“Y/N” He roared “I swear to god, I told you how important this was to me” he shouted swinging open the door 

“Buck?” She said opening her eyes a little, she had managed to clamber herself back into bed but her sickness still overwhelmed her, 

“What the hell were you thinking? You knew not to bother me today. What was so important huh?” He roared “did you need another hand out from me? Want me to pay something else useless that you wanted to beg me for?” Bucky didn’t even know where the words came from, they weren’t true, not even half true but he wanted Y/N to feel guilty. 

“Bucky I didn’t—”

“You didn’t what Y/N? Didn’t mean to ruin my life? Didn’t mean to fuck everything up, ‘cause that seems to be what you’re good at” Bucky roared, Y/N felt herself tear up not trusting her own words “And now you’re going to cry your way out? Like hell you are, get out!” He screamed 

“I don’t—” 

“Get out Y/N!” He roared pulling the duvet and blankets off of her shivering body, “I don’t care where you go, just get the hell out”

Y/N stood up on shaky legs attempting to shake off the blurred vision, she swayed on her feet her breathing began to quicken as the anxiety over took her and suddenly the room went dark again. Bucky stood frozen as Y/N collapsed, instantly he rushed forward in an attempt to stop her from crashing onto the floor, he was just in time to grab her head before it hit the wooden floors. Cradling her body he let himself take in the state of the room, the empty box of pills which was full this morning, the mountain of blankets crumpled next to the duvet, and the pile of items Y/N kept on her bedside table strewn across the floor. Bucky instantly put the pieces together, Y/N must have passed out before, that was the only explanation. She was sick, and he made everything so much worse. 

— — 

Y/N blinked open her eyes to find herself wrapped up tightly in her duvet, she was sure she didn’t fall asleep here. Then suddenly the memory of Bucky screaming filled her mind and the tears fell down her cheeks silently at the thought of letting him down. 

“Morning sleepyhead” Dr Banner said from her bedside, “You gave Barnes quite the scare there, I’ve just given you a once over. You’ve got the flu, you’re to stay in bed for the next week minimum” He said firmly “Understand?” Y/N nodded silently not daring to talk in fear of what Bucky might say, she instantly knew he would be frustrated with the fact that he would feel obligated to look after her until she was well, especially since he’d just ended things. 

“Bruce, how is she?” Bucky asked stepping into the room 

“Ask her yourself” Banner smiled to Y/N, “I’m going to head out and give you some time” 

“Thanks” Bucky muttered making his way over to his side of the bed, climbing in he opened his arms expecting Y/N to curl herself around him instantly. He heard Banner close the door, they were alone. “Doll?” He whispered 

“I’ll be gone in a few hours, just need some strength” She said quietly, her voice breaking a little 

“No you won’t, you’re to stay in bed until you’re better” Bucky instructed 

“It’s fine, I’ll call my sister. She can come and get me. I’ll have to hire a company so it might take longer to take some of my stuff but I promise I’ll be gone as soon as possible” She said 

“Y/N look at me” Bucky said his heart breaking at how dejected Y/N sounded 

“It’s fine, I know when to leave. I’ve overstayed my welcome” 

“Like hell you have!” Bucky snapped “Doll please listen to me, I fucked up. I fucked up so badly and I swear I’ll never stop trying to make it up to you” 

“I said it’s fine, I screwed up the Stark deal. Like you said I fuck everything up so I should just go” Y/N said, Bucky grabbed her wrist gently, forcing her to face him 

“Y/N, doll, baby please” He pleaded “I should have never gotten mad at you, I know you only called me because you were sick, I should have realised before and I hate that I didn’t but I need you to stay, I can’t live without you, please doll I’m not asking for your forgiveness I don’t deserve that, I just need you to stay and say that we’re going to work on this. I’ll be a better man for you I swear” 

“Bucky I—” Y/N whispered before the sobs cut though her words, 

“Breath doll, in and out” Bucky said rubbing her back “Slowly Y/N” 

“Felt so ill… I’m sorry Buck, I didn’t want to call you but I was so scared when I woke up on the floor and couldn’t see properly—”

“You did the right thing, I should have come sooner and I’m so sorry I didn’t. I swear I’m never letting you out my sight again” He said 

“What happened to the deal?” Y/N whispered 

“I explained to Stark that my girl needed me and if he couldn’t understand then he should go fuck himself” Bucky said bluntly “You’re more important than any deal” 

“Was he mad?” 

“Not at all, I don’t want you worrying about that” 

“I screwed it up for you” Y/N wept 

“You didn’t screw anything up, Y/N, doll, I promise you everything I said was a lie. I was just angry” 

“At me? It was my fault” 

“Initially yes, but I was more angry with myself for not realising you needed me” 

“What’s happened to us Buck?” She asked quietly “we used to be so good” 

“I know doll,” He sighed, she looked up at him with sad eyes and he felt his heart break “Doll, I’m going to take a few months off and we can just be us, get back to where we were how does that sound?” He suggested 

“You shouldn’t do that for me, i’m not worth it” 

“I’d do anything for you doll, you deserve the whole universe. I promise you we’re going to get this sorted” 

“Do you hate me?” 

“I could never, doll I’m so in love with you” Bucky said sincerely, 

“I don’t know if I can say it back yet” She admitted 

“I wouldn’t expect you to after how I just acted, just please tell me you don’t want to give up on me?” 

“Never Buck, I’m never giving up on you, you’re it for me. Don’t want anyone else” 

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