#itdov

six years ago i was in lockdown, living alone with my own thoughts, reading book after book and article after article because i felt like i had to prove to an academic standard what i'd known at some level myself for years. shout out to andrea lawlor and juno roche particularly, and for the now lost shelf life books in cardiff, for giving me access to words that spoke to deeply to me and said hey, you're allowed to just be you. i sobbed on my balcony over the epilogue of gender explorers. i felt so alone and so not alone at the same time.

at some point that year, i had a panic attack over my partner calling me "the woman [he] loves" and eventually (weeks later, i think, my concept of time for that period is worse than usual) found the words to say no, i'm not. i couldn't be more grateful to have someone in my life who knew, instantly, what i was trying to say and fully embraced me for who i am. all he asked was if i wanted him to call me by a different name.

five years ago i texted my best friend and sent a message to my friends group chat. amusingly, all my best friend asked was if she should use a different name. i've been going by both alfie (that she calls me) and a shortened form of my given name (that my partner and most people irl call me) since i was about fourteen. this has always been me, since i started to really know myself.

later that day five years ago i carefully curated a list of allowed people on a facebook post to say hey i'm nonbinary, please use they/them pronouns.

the reaction was overwhelmingly positive. i've been incredibly lucky.

when i changed jobs a few years later i did so without hiding, i was addressed by the correct pronouns most of the time i worked there.

i'm still not out to my parents. it's not worth the stress to me. i have no way of having my gender recognised in most "official" areas of my life. i'm engaged but i'm terrified of actually getting married because i don't want to be a wife.

i'm still incredibly lucky.

i'm still on a journey with my gender and i don't think it will ever be a settled part of me. but i'm surrounded by people who are happy to come on that journey with me, and love me.

it feels like a lot is being taken away from us as a community right now, but we have to stick by each other and find joy where we can. channel the fear and anger into love for each other and productive actions.

Happy International Transgender Day of Visibility, 31 March, 2025.

🩵🩷🤍🩷🩵

aware of trans!