#it's ongoing

My emotions are either too much or nothing at all, there’s no middle ground. Awful things happen -- or fantastic things -- and I’m numb to nearly all of it. I play it up outwardly so I don’t look like a fucking shell but I barely actually feel anything. I’ve just gotten tremendously good at faking it both online and irl.

Then when I do feel something, I feel it too much, and it’s overwhelming. Doesn’t really matter if it’s good or bad. But god fucking forbid there’s a confrontation of any sort, because I seize up and start sobbing like some fucking hysteric. And it’s so embarrassing, because I feel like a child who can’t cope with her own feelings.

Because I am, right? I’m an emotionally stunted child. I don’t know how to do anything, I don’t know how the world works, I’m too scared to learn, I don’t know how to be. I don’t know what or where it went wrong but something’s wrong. Every single night I go to bed my thoughts loop, hoping I’ll just not wake up the following day. I’d never harm myself, I’m too scared of pain for that. But lord does my mind tie itself into knots nearly nightly hoping I just...peacefully, won’t wake up.