#issue 41

We open on the Vis Vitalis, which you’ll recall is Thunderclash’s ship/life support system. General Countdown is here for a visit, having gotten some grave news about everyone’s favorite Autobot. Firestar, one of Thunderclash’s crew, leads him to the room where Thunderclash is being kept. We’ll get to Firestar’s deal later on, but for right now we’re focusing on the man of the hour for every hour.

Countdown is left to mourn the soon-to-be-loss of Thunderclash.

This is never really addressed again in the comic, but I do wonder if there’s any sort of judgement of folks who prefer being in their alt-mode. The Functionists fucked up so much shit, and we’re well aware that those sorts of mentalities are still going pretty strong even now. Would a guy like Rewind, who has a “useless” alt, be a little bit off by that sort of thing? Y’know, if it was anyone other than Thunderclash, Husband of Millions.

Countdown leaves his medals with Thunderclash, saying that his mentor, confidant, teacher, leader, superior officer, idol, friend, and potentially lover deserves them more. He only keeps his graduation medal from the Thunderclash School of Heroic Arts, where I’m sure you have majors such as Interior Design for Puppy Orphanages.

A knocking sound comes from Thunderclash’s trunk, which is deeply puzzling, and Countdown goes to investigate. What happens next isn’t shown, but it seems like we might want to call a series wrap for Countdown, from the sound of it.

Over on the Lost Light, it would appear we’ve cranked the silly knob up to 27. Which shouldn’t be possible, but Brainstorm is here and we all know how that guy feels about being limited by what’s possible. Skids is juggling. Getaway is doing some sort of bondage thing. Brainstorm is upside-down, and acting petulant about Nautica not paying attention to him. Nautica has planted her ass on a lab table, as she stares at a datapad. It’s not a dreamy stare.

Brainstorm, his pride wounded by being ignored, comes down from his weird science-trapeze, as Nautica explains that she’s reading a book about personality types that was was published under Froid’s name; Rung might have actually written it, in a sort of “ghost writer” situation. Not that it particularly matters who wrote it, seeing as personality types are about as real as astrology or any Buzzfeed quiz.

Getaway stops being a certified freak in another person’s room to rag on Rung’s lack of staying power in people’s brains, while Skids makes an attempt to defend the creamsicle twink through a killer headache. Why he was juggling while he had brain pain is anyone’s guess.

Nautica’s managed to hook herself up into Brainstorm’s trapeze and is now having a wonderful time, until Skids points out that she didn’t need a science-trapeze to read upside-down, and the magic was inside her the whole time.

Brainstorm finishes adding a Ravage Detector to Nautica’s wrench, and demands his payment of like ten cents from Getaway. The Cybertronian Shanix is in the goddamned toilet. Brainstorm explains how Ravage’s whole deal works, only to be interrupted by a GUNNG, and no, that’s not another addition to the “mispronouncing Rung’s name” running joke.

Over in Swerve’s, we have the scene that all my blog theme branding comes from, as Bluestreak gossips with Ravage over how interstellar wi-fi has rotted Swerve’s brain and ruined his ability to relate to his peers. Of course, Swerve’s perfectly happy to share all that he’s learned from Earth’s entire cultural output.

Oh god someone interrupt him before he goes full Redditor.

Luckily, my pleas go answered, as the source of the GUNNG is revealed— Rodimus is ringing his Rodimus Gong (which appears to be made out of all those leftover Rodimus Stars) signaling that they’ve reached a Quest Milestone! Swerve is pretty jazzed about this, losing his train of thought before he can get to explaining slashfic to Ravage.

Everyone meets in the Gong Room, all looking pissed beyond belief. Jackpot gets real cozy with Mainframe. Smokescreen honks Skater’s tit. Hoist and Hound are right next to each other, which is awful because they look so similar and are also, like, two of the three green guys on the ship. Dipstick, who is also green, only has Xaaron to act as a buffer. God help us if they all ever manage to stand directly next to each other.

Rodimus announces that the entirety of the Lost Light’s crew has been invited to Thunderclash’s pre-wake— a shindig that’s being thrown to celebrate his life while he’s dying. Because they got an invite, that means that they found Thunderclash, and that’s good! They’re one step closer to their Quest goal. Rodimus is thrilled (though totally not because Thunderclash is about to beef it) while Megatron glowers behind him. Nautica and Nightbeat stand in the very back of the crowd, having arrived after everyone else, though Nightbeat is trying to frame it as being fashionably late, which is a cool thing to be.

For anyone who forgot, Nightbeat has never been cool. Clever, certainly. Hungry for knowledge, without a doubt. Completely oblivious to personal boundaries to the point of being choked out? On at least one occasion. But never cool.

Rodimus makes a terrible pun at Thunderclash’s expense, then tells everyone to go get sexy for the party. As the co-captains leave the room— taking the stairs that I do not remember existing— Megatron marvels (derogatory) at the way that Rodimus talks to his subordinates. Rodimus says that it’s his charisma that allows him to just say shit without repercussion, something that he and Thunderclash share. But Rodimus isn’t the one who’s dying, so who’s the real winner here? There’s then a bit of a verbal scuffle, as both the captains realize that neither is going to the party. Rodimus wants to use this time to plan the next leg of the journey, but Megatron thinks it’s actually because he doesn’t want to see Thunderclash.

I think Megatron’s had a perfectly valid reason to have been rotting in his room for the past few weeks, considering his parents are Brainstorm and Whirl.

The co-captains decide that they’re going to use the party to plan together, in the most aggressive, macho way possible, complete with uncalled-for sexual innuendo.

A few hours later, the Lost Light has caught up to the Vis Vitalis, and the pre-wake is well underway. Everyone is dancing, the Thunderclash statue is covered in innermost energon, and Skids and Getaway have come out as bisexual.

Over in the introvert corner, Nightbeat seems to be having an existential crisis, while Tailgate tries to get Cyclonus off his ass and on the dance floor. Cyclonus, as one might expect, isn’t much for the clubbing scene. Now, if they were doing karaoke, maybe…

Nightbeat decides that his name does NOT doom him to a life of bumpin’ music and gyrating on other bodies, telling Nautica that he’s gonna go explore the ship. Before Nautica can follow or hinder him, she’s spotted by an old friend.

Nightbeat still has trouble believing that women are real, it would seem.

Firestar and Nautica used to be roommates back on Caminus, their home planet. More importantly though, they’re amica endura, which was a concept introduced during the “Slaughterhouse” arc— in short, besties. Nightbeat gives not a fuck about the finer points of Nautica’s culture or life, however; he only cares about intrigue! He excuses himself, taking Nautica’s wrench with him and leaving the poor woman alone with her very overbearing old friend.

Oh, these two were absolutely fucking.

Firestar pulls Nautica away from the introvert corner so they can chat by themselves. It turns out that Firestar and a good chunk of her sorority from Caminus are aboard this ship. They ran into the Vis Vitalis when it put out a distress signal, and Thunderclash was so impressed by the ladies’ work that he made Firestar his first officer. I’m sure anything is a step up from the last guy.

RIP in piss, Paddox.

When asked about what she’s been up to, Nautica can barely get a word in edgewise, because Firestar simply has to get a backhanded compliment in. Maybe she didn’t think what she was saying through before it came out of her mouth, but it doesn’t make things any less awkward. Man, what good friends. Firestar excuses herself to go dance, which Nautica encourages.

Man, what good friends.

Back in Thunderclash’s medical room, we finally see where the Lost Light’s SOC got to. Minimus Ambus is viewing the map that Thunderclash drew for the Knight Quest, as Velocity— a Vis Vitalis medical officer and Caminus native—  explains the situation.

As a quick refresher, the whole deal with the map to the Knights of Cybertron was that it was printed on the inside of the Matrix, could not be made into copies, and actually erased itself from the mind of anyone who saw it.

Thunderclash, however, as we all know, is a very special boy, and managed to draw the whole thing out on the wall before he was completely immobilized by whatever is killing him. Yeah, apparently it’s not whatever injury that forced him to turn his ship into a life support system.

First Aid’s been digging through medical notes while Minimus and Velocity have been staring at the wall, and he’s discovered that Thunderclash’s life-threatening injury— a literal shot through the spark— was fixed six months prior. And nobody is sure who did it. Velocity can’t seem to recall the woman’s face, knowing only that she was painfully average and “normal”. The mystery doctor didn’t put her name on anything and left right after she did the work. Now Thunderclash is dying and nobody knows why. Velocity invites First Aid to investigate further, and First Aid immediately goes to look inside Thunderclash’s ass.

They find nothing in Thunderclash’s ass.

Later, most of the Lost Light’s crew is shuttling back to their own ship, the pre-wake having ended. Nautica’s still aboard the Vis Vitalis, as is Skids, who’s curious as to why she’s not left yet. Nautica feels the need to wait for Thunderclash to beef it before she bows out, and plus this is easier than trying to organize a class reunion. Skids isn’t quite as charming as he typically is, having to sit. This, for some reason, gives Nautica an idea.

Elsewhere on the ship, Getaway is on the floor in the middle of the hall as Nightbeat looms over him disapprovingly. Before Nightbeat can get to the bottom of why Getaway’s decided to take a little snooze on the laminate, Ravage tears past, bleeding sparks and screaming about how “they won’t stop looking at me”. Nightbeat and Getaway, being nosy sons of bitches, give chase.

Back with Thunderclash and company, it would seem that ol’ Thunders is taking matters into his own hands, by shutting himself off at precise intervals so that his medical readouts spell out a message.

Even in death, Thunderclash is considerate to the sensitivities of those around him. What a guy.

The message is:

Y0 u’re a11 3LIN D All DEaD

Which for anyone who can’t read 7331, is “You’re all blind. All dead.” Not terribly comforting last words.

There’s a knocking sound from inside of Thunderclash’s ass.

Over with Nightbeat, it would appear he’s quite fast when mystery is in the mix, having beat Getaway to the morgue where Ravage has holed up in. They go in, noting how very dark it is in here, when they come across a rather famous body. However, Nightbeat gives not a fuck about famous dead athletes; he only cares about the truth! Maybe the next body will have a bit more interest for Nightbeat.

Oh lord, they gave him lip fillers for the open casket!

Nightbeat gets closer to inspect the body, only for what appear to be barnacles to suddenly manifest all over Countdown’s corpse. Nightbeat asks Getaway for his opinion, only to find that Getaway’s got a nasty case of these barnacles on his face. His awful, awful face.

Anyway, there’s more important things going on.