#inward thinking

Can You Feel Us?

There, there! Do you feel it?

Up there over the hill

gleaming beneath the light.

Come, come follow me!

It is there you shall see.

Over the meadow through the grass.

Up the hill, beyond the impasse.

Do you feel it?

We are so close.

I am sure this is it.

This is where we lost our trust.

Can you feel us?

I think so many things throughout my day

Some wonderful and others not so great

By the time pen meets the sheet

the words fleet

How ugly they sound

As I kick and punch them around

Trying to find the right words to say

Say what?

Even that thought has lost its words.

So i talked to my sister about “commitment” and what that means. She kept saying over and over again that I’m too young to be in a relationship. Her reasons were because I barely know myself, so how will i know that i want to be with a person. She said this based off of her own experiences of getting married at 25 and raising my brother and I after my mom died. She had to grow up quick to take care of us but she thinks that maybe she got married too quickly. This is not to say that she doesn’t love my brother in law because i know she does and i know that she is very happy. She just hasn’t experienced life enough to know herself yet. So now she is married still trying to figure out who is she. 

I say all that to say that I don’t want to be like that. She doesn’t want me to settle and I just owe it to myself and to my relationship to explore that idea of if either one of us are settling. Life is extremely to short to be “stuck”. This has nothing to do with me wanting to “fuck” other people because I’ve had my run of the physical life and I understand that fucking is just that “fucking”. There is no depth in that, and when you are sitting alone after that nut,  you are gonna wish that you had someone to experience things with. 

During my yoga teacher training in Costa Rica last December, my teacher pointed out a great concept to further my yoga practice and my mindful thinking off the mat. Thinking inward. In the past, I used to point the finger and be quite selfish in my thinking and that is probably one of the reasons why a lot of people have walked out on my life. I wasn’t an awful person but I wasn’t a fantastic one…

Sometimes I sit there and think about all the things I could be doing. I could be drinking and partying in cities around the world. I could be sleeping with men whose names I’ll never remember. I could be writing novels, creating songs, or drawing masterpieces. I could be the girl who never really tries in a relationship, because she is afraid it will end in flames.

But then I remember that those things aren’t me. If I did those things, I would be someone different. I wouldn’t be the person I’ve come to accept (most of the time) and love (most of the time). I would be the replica of someone else.

So when I sit there and think of all the things I could be doing… I have to remember to pull myself off of that train of thought. I need to remind myself that I am the way I am. I am me and that is good enough. I will never be happy if I try to become someone I am not. And I will never be happy if I change myself in order to make someone - a friend, a family member, a significant other - love me.

Dear Self,

If you're going to sneakily Facebook creep, you need to keep your feelings in check.

<3, Kayla

In other words, I still have a lot of things I need to work through and let go of. Otherwise, this path that I'm on, the one that leads to Bitter Bitch Land, is only going to keep being negative.