Before passing the Physician Licensure Examination last March 2018, I thought I had my entire career mapped out: take the boards, residency, then establish a name for myself: straight and narrow-but it turns out, God had other plans for my future-and it involved a lot of vaginas.

Moonlighting as far as I was concerned, was never part of my plans. Straight laced as I was I never had the intention of going on a Sabbatical. But, I took the road less travelled by (in my career plans anyway) and it brought me to Surigao.

Still fresh out of the PLE, I was starry-eyed and still riding the high of finally earning the most important two letters right after my name; to say that I was undecided about pursuing this job was a huge understatement-due to the fact that the department left me with scars when I was still a Senior Clerk in Medical School. But I took the chance, never looked back, and realized that I didn’t regret it one bit.

Its 9:00 am: I am wearing my matching scrubs, white coat, and pink Crocs-standard wear for my status of the day: 24 hour DUTY. If you know my history you would be astounded as to where I am assigned: Obstetrics and Gynecology Emergency Room.

My heart is pumping, my knees shake, and I break out in sweat; it was like facing my worst fears and being stuck in a nightmare all at the same time. I was always glued to the phone due to my referrals that I didn’t notice the sun start to creep in the horizon; my 24 hour duty was about to end-I survived it! I could almost jump for joy at this realization. I admitted 20 patients that day.

Overtime, I was able to adjust: my IEs became accurate, assisting ORs were like second nature, I was able to perform an Emergency Cesarean Section with the guidance of one of our consultants, and I consider not calling my consultant on duty in the wee hours of the morning: small victories. But what made it bearable and easier, was the people I was working with. I admit that it was not smooth sailing all the way, but what I have learned and the new set of skills I have acquired was all thanks to the people whom I have met through this journey.

There were tears shed, amniotic fluid ruptured, and most especially countless IEs done to mold me as to who I am today. I may not choose OB as my specialty and I may have been hesitant at first but never did I once think about regret. Regret about being assigned in this department nor regret about travelling to Surigao for work.

Another 15 days has been completed and it’s time for the next batch to go on duty. Before it is time for endorsements, let me just express my heartfelt gratitude to everyone (you know who you are 😉) for being a big part of my journey in Surigao; thank you for being patient and understanding as I learn how to navigate being your doctor, and most of all thank you for never giving up on me when I was ready to admit defeat.

The smell of sweat permeates the air and all I taste is the stale beer that I have been nursing for the past hour. I would do anything to feel alive again and this time it has taken me to this hole in the wall "club" that the millennials have been going to. The music is loud and it drowns out the voices in my head but now, they resurface; the bass is thumping and I do not know the person who I am dancing with; all I know is that I feel something: something that I do not know what to call. Is this what being alive means? Being socially functional?

I can vaguely see the finish line-I am almost there! Huffing and puffing for air, I sprint the last 500m distance between me and the line that will forever define my existence. But as I get closer, I didn’t notice the huge slab of concrete which suddenly came out of nowhere and blocking my view of the finish line. I was in last place; everyone has passed the obstacle except me and now I am stuck. I didn’t notice that roadblock. 

My proverbial finish line is my license and that roadblock was failure.

I have never met failure before; I knew of him, I heard about him, we have common friends; but it wasn’t until I took the Physicians’ Licensure Examination that I met him. I have never met a more chilling presence than failure; with eyes that were piercing cold and calculating. His presence alone demands attention whenever he enters a room. 

Finding out that I failed the biggest examination of my career so far was disappointing to say the least; due to the fact that a lot of things were riding on me passing that examination. Plans were delayed and some cancelled, more money was spent, and time-time that I can’t regain will be forever lost. 

I haven’t completely grieved and I don’t know when I will feel better. I feel so disappointed in myself that sometimes its hard to study for the next scheduled exam. But most of all, the thought that I have disappointed a lot of people is paralyzing. 

Everyone has moved on, they have jobs now. But me, I’m still studying. Still trying to find a detour in this roadblock that I am stuck in.

“Tastes just like water”

I am down to my second cup of coffee today and it seems that my quest for the strongest yet tastiest coffee will never be realized. Hello and welcome to the shithole that I am stuck in.

Where am I you ask? Well I am in my study table, illuminated by a single light source as I feel the uncomfortable chair digging into my back. Writing; when I should be learning concepts about Multiple Endocrine Neoplasia 2 and flipping my IM Platinum 2 to the next page; yet I am stuck staring at the same topic for over 45 minutes and at the same time tapping away in my smartphone writing this entry.

I can’t concentrate and I don’t seem to care that I can’t. I see my roommate in one corner studying her ass off and here I am still typing away and talking to the inner voices in my head. I should be anxious, pressured even, but I don’t feel a thing-ladies and gentlemen, I have become numb.

Yes my dear! Numb in all sense of the word. My Sympathetic response seems to be switched off and my anxiety has been lo and behold controlled by my trusty blue pills. Yet, the question that remains to be asked is: when will this last? When will I regret what I have been doing for the past couple of days?

But in all honesty, I may be numb but one emotion rules supreme: fear. Fear of failing the biggest exam of my academic career as of the moment. Fear of disappointing the people who have supported me (especially my parents). And most of all: fear of disappointing myself. The doubt that I have in myself is far greater than the percentage of body water that I have present in me and that is saying something.

What happens then? What can I do?

The correct answer would be to study. But my crazy self would answer: I DON’T KNOW. I do know that the answer to make myself care is to think about my parents and all the shit that they have done to get me where I am today, but I just can’t bring myself to think about them. My evil and depressed self is rearing its ugly head and is whispering “what about me? Don’t you care about me?” See what’s it like to have extra voices? Its a chore really.

Stuck: that’s what I am feeling right now.  I seem to be in a rut-unable to move forward, unable to function, and most of all: unable to live. I seem to be stuck in my mind and that is the hardest place to get out of. Most of the time, I have no trouble in articulating the whispers in my head but these days, my voice has drowned in a sea of warring voices that feed my insecurities and the longer I am unable to write, the waves just keep crashing and I loose sight of the shore. I am lost at sea: stuck in a storm that seems to go on forever. Blocked by a wall so thick that not even my mind can comprehend its presence-it seems that it has always been there or rather I got used to it.

That characteristic swagger, beady eyes looking down on his juniors, and olive toned skin; everyone, say hello to Divus. He unfortunately is my senior at work who has been terrorizing me since day one; I don’t think he’s doing it on purpose, well on second thought... When we’re working together, he makes it his life’s goal to point out every mistake I make at work with his sarcasm and snide remarks and that makes me conscious which in turn makes me anxious. If looks and sarcasm could kill, I would have been dead since day one. 

It started off with a very demanding patient, then it went downhill from there. I don't think there was a duty day that he didn’t have a snide remark against me. I felt like I was his emotional punching bag and I have been receiving his hits with meekness and agreements-always thinking that it was my fault (which my doctor pointed out is not healthy for my therapy). My anxiety hits the roof every time I think about duty because I will be working mostly with him and that is not a pretty situation. Whenever my anxiety acts up, I make mistakes-a lot; and that makes him unhappy. An unhappy Divus is a moody Divus and a moody Divus bites everyone in sight. 

He apparently has a positive side (not in my opinion), he inadvertently cheers me up in his own special way, which in my opinion is actually mocking and not helping my already low self-esteem. 

I have been counting the days until we end and I am looking forward to the number 31-it couldn’t come soon enough. I feel like I’m always pushing the wrong buttons and he wants to actually kill me but can’t (cause apparently that’s illegal). My opinion of him is not the good kind and I think it goes both ways. For now, I still don’t know what to do with him, his mood swings are more unpredictable than a woman in her monthly cycle and that’s saying something. 

For now, I will continue placing x’s on my calendar until I reach 31 and oh maybe let his opinions pass by one ear to another (as if that’s easy for my brain). *sigh* this is such a difficult two months.