"What did I do wrong?" - A flash fiction
Two posts in a row?!?!?!? I'm pretty sure I'll be posting daily for a week and then ghost Tumblr until I have a new one finished because I already have a bit in store but I'm having author's block atm!! I hope you'll enjoy this just as much as my first one, and if you haven't seen it then go check it out!!!
Warning: MENTIONS OF ATTEMPTED SUICIDE AND SELF-HARM. VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------
How many hours has it been? How many hours have passed ever since I've promised myself the slumber I crave and longed for?
This is the umpteenth time where I sit at the edge of my bed, staring into nothingness as I drown in my thoughts. Ever since ‘that’ happened, I have been having trouble sleeping, 'I probably have insomnia' I chuckled to myself. The silence is deafening in my ears but it comforts me as I battle my own thoughts.
Where did I go wrong? Why did that happen? Could I have been better? WHY didn't I expect THAT? WHY didn't I CONTROL IT? WHAT DID I DO WRONG?
‘Calm down, please.' How pathetic, I'm begging myself to calm down? Unbelievable. I bit my tongue, stopping the tears in my eyes before it fell.
Gosh, it really is something else when you're forcing yourself not to cry, telling yourself that everything is okay when it isn't. This has to be one of the worst feelings mankind has to go through.
Can this please stop? I don't want this to continue anymore. I want to sleep, I'm tired but I'm wide awake, I don't feel like sleeping but I know I need it. But…
How do I even stop my own thoughts? How do I stop ‘that’ from playing in my head over and over and over again?
I have to stop myself from doing that, don't I? So, how do I stop myself?
What if I grab something sharp and...
Oh, my wrists look really pretty right now. It could use a few slits to make it even prettier, watching the blood seep through the open wound and drop unto the cold hard floor and…
What am I doing? Thinking of ending my life because of a minor inconvenience?
I really need to stop, but this isn't the first time I've had thoughts like these or had similar situations like this. This isn't the first I've thought about cutting myself open and leaving myself to bleed. This certainly is the first time I stopped myself from doing so. New Achievement Unlocked!
Why am I like this? Is this why ‘that’ happened? I wouldn't be surprised if this is why that happened.
Sighing to myself, I got up and went to grab a glass of water, quenching my thirst. Placing the glass on top of the coaster, I once again stare into the abyss.
What am I doing with my life? I'm a failure, aren't I? Will I ever do anything right? Will I ever make myself proud? Will I ever make ‘them’ proud?
Thinking about all of this makes my head throb. Pinching the bridge of my nose, I exhale deeply, trying to collect myself.
I can’t sleep like this. I feel restless. I want to sleep, I know I need sleep, but I just can’t. So do I just sit here and suffer alone with thousands of thoughts running through my head every second?
How many times do I have to spend my night like this? How many times do I have the same conversation with myself? I can’t let this continue.
Something has to change. I have to change for the better.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'll be posting another one tomorrow!!! Stay tuned!!
