#innertalk

the awakening of my subconscious mind

You sat down, and you put your grocery bag down along with your backpack. It felt like the day was draining you bit by bit and you thought that maybe you had wanted to spend the remaining energy of what’s left to silently do some sun-gazing.

It was beautiful, like the colours of the sun filling your irises then reaching deep into your soul and bring you into a state of tranquility. It is quiet and suddenly you feel that you don’t oppose to the idea of being stuck in a wormhole forever if there was the sunset to remind you that every end of the loop can be this majestic.

As happy as the sunset makes you feel, it leads you into a kind of emptiness. You bring your feet up on the park bench and you hug your knees and rest your chin on top of it. The view of the sunset manages to be accompanied by a soft and mellow instrumental tune, the thumping of the piano keys reverberate gently against your chest. A slow rhythm matched perfectly with the picturesque view, you closed your eyes and a breath hitches up to your throat.

You start crying, and crying, sobbing harder than you always have.

There seems to be a valid reason but all outdated reasons to mull about. And now you begin to regret the decisions of holding off your sorrows because it all comes crashing down on you like an unforgiving storm. It doesn’t seem very right to be unhappy in a place this mesmerising but it was the only place you felt at peace with.

And now when I look back at you, I wish I knew- I wish I knew how to tell you that it was okay, that everything was going to be alright, that I had all of the answers so you wouldn’t have felt what I had.

It was my responsibility after all, considering we had tied souls. I should have been the one comforting you any way I can. But I guess you knew, that I didn’t know any of the answers either. We were both the same yet always acting in polar directions.

Now all that comforts me is when at the end, you quietly and hastily wipe your tears, patting your thighs then flashing a big wide grin. It was your childlike innocence that saved you in a way, in a way that I couldn’t have.

And that’s what makes me happy, that I should have been gentler, kinder and more understanding towards you. That is how we make sense of the self anyways.

So as you walk away with a runny nose but confident steps, I knew you were going to be okay and I was going to be there for you.

You and I were gonna get through and be okay together.

punya perasaan sensitif bukan kekurangan selama kamu gunain buat hal-hal yang impact-nya kepada kebaikan. sensitif itu tandanya hati kamu tajam buat merasakan hal-hal yang gak ditangkap mata. itulah alasan kenapa Allah menganugerahkan itu sama kamu. supaya hati kamu tajam memahami orang lain sekaligus tajam membaca tanda-tandaNya.

"yang terbaik pokoknya," jawab saya spontan.

"iya, yang terbaik itu yang kayak gimana?"

"...."

saya terdiam. berusaha menemukan kalimat yang pas. sayangnya, pikiran saya malah ngeloyor pamit dan tenggelam lebih dalam tentang definisi "yang terbaik". disitu saya (sok) menarik kesimpulan kalau definisi "yang terbaik" itu sebenernya gak benar-benar ada. gak benar-benar tersurat A atau B. definisi "yang terbaik" itu berlaku sebagai definisi yang khusus; dikembalikan ke setiap case subjek pelakunya. artinya, setiap orang punya versi "yang terbaik"-nya masing-masing. gak bisa dipukul rata atau distandarisasi kalau yang terbaik itu begini atau begitu. "yang terbaik" adalah sesuatu (apapun) yang sudah disiapkan Allah khusus dan spesial untuk diri kita masing-masing dan sudah disesuaikan dengan kadar kita masing-masing.