So whenever something new or exciting or sad is happening in my life, I never straight up tell my friends.... and they get so annoyed.

But really I just want someone to ask... to know me well enough to know when something’s up... To check in on what’s going on in my life... to dig for more information then what I offer up...

My silences tell you more about what is important to me than my words.  I love many things. I am passionate about a variety of topics.  But the things that are most dear to me, the things that are sacrosanct, placed on the altar of my inner cathedral of identity and order?  Those things are not ones I often talk about - they are far too precious.  

INFJs crave connection.  We want nothing more than to find common ground, to dive into the depths of an idea or a dream with someone who understands our need to explore the deep rather than skimming the surface.  We tire quickly of the day to day sensory conversations that permeate our world.  Statistics tell us that over 75% of Americans identify as Sensors, and while we appreciate them, they exhaust us as much as we confuse and tire them.  We want something deep and profound, something that makes us feel we are not alone.

Yet even in those moments, there are some things that are too precious to share, too hard to explain and defend.  Those are the things about which we are silent.

For me, those are the things that define me. I do not talk about them because there is no benefit in discussing them, nothing but frustration in having them challenged. While it is easy for me to understand and respond to the feelings of others around me as an INFJ, it is often hard for me to know my own feelings, to understand why something is so important to me. Often, talking about something, putting it into spoken or written word clarifies it.  When I am upset, I need to talk through why - the emotion strained through the rational filter of the word, mirrored by an audience becomes clear by externalizing it. I hold it up to the light of the outside world, and it becomes clear.

But some things are too important for that.  And in my internal world, there are things that I have vetted, gone over and over again until they have become so integrated into my view of the world that they are a part of me in a way that is ineffable and inexplicable.  Those things are not up for discussion.  They are a part of who I am.  And I feel no need to discuss them.  Speaking about them will not make them clearer or help me understand them in a new way. I have already struggled with them. And they are dear because I have wrestled with them until we have become part of each other. 

Thanks! I’m glad you enjoy my silliness.

Alright. Here we go. As an INTP, this was an interesting list to create. I mean, these are secrets, you know? I don’t know if the world’s ready for the knowledge I’ve gleaned from my INFJ friends. But here it goes. Hopefully this doesn’t cause too much chaos.

1. Like INTPs, INFJs are not actually human. They are bunnies. But don’t be deceived. The INFJ is not your typical bunny. No, they are magical bunnies. But shh, it’s a secret.

2. The magical INFJ bunny has many super powers including knowing your thoughts and feelings before you do, the ability to look you in the eye and say “I told you so” and be 100% correct (don’t even lie; you know they were), and actually completing projects they start.

3. Your INFJ comes in two settings: hate and love. Good luck trying to figure out which one yours is set to. (Although, if the INFJ initiates cuddles, I would say you’re safe.)

4. The fourth secret is a secret that not even I should know about. I already think I’ve said too much.

5. Lastly, the INFJ bunny thrives on genuine compliment pellets. If they regurgitate them back, do not be alarmed! This is normal behavior as the INFJ bunny is just looking to return the affection. Just smile and take the regurgitated pellets for later use. Other ways to feed your INFJ include self-reflecting carrots, sarcastic cabbage, kindness, and blueberries.

Last winter in January, I volunteered at a psychology center which was basicaly an institute of a few psychologists that offered various group and individual therapy sessions. I volunteered as a "mentor" and my job would be to participate in group therapy sessions with students who were slightly autistic or had social problems. A psychologist in training, the students, a few other volunteers and I would sit in a circle and just talk. We would just go around share one thing that happened to us or we did that week, have a convo based off that topic, and then we would close the session by going around and saying one thing we learned about someone in the group.

Up until today I just thought that this activity was just a way for the students to practice and engage their social skills of speaking with people. This is correct, but I never REALLY understood the inner workings of this until I put myself and my issues into the equation and it put things in perspective and made so much more sense.

I've always had trouble making close friends in large goup settings and getting close with people for various reasons. It usually takes me a super long time unless the other persion is super outgoing or self-involved. Apparently I just learned that this is a trait of INFJ personality type where INFJs ask other people a lot of questions and can emotionally connect with and understand others, but INFJs are private and don't really reveal much about themselves, making it difficult for others to connect back. It's hard because I want to be close with others but they seem to have trouble connecting with me like my wifi signal is weak.Haha that reminds me of a conversation I had with someone way back in the days of AIM circa 2005. Holy crap it's been 10 years.

eu: oh woe is christine eu: victim of societal conventions...standards of interaction between humans eu: maybe that's y u have trouble connecting w/ other ppl christino: I CAN CONNECT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! christino: they just can't connect back! eu:  then it's a firewall problem christino: ahahahahahhahhaha!!!!

Yes, I saved this convo by emailing it to myself in 2005 because I used to collect funny conversation pieces. Now I just screenshot funny convos since it's the age of smartphones.

Anyway, lately I've been asking some long time friends what makes it hard for others to connect with me quickly/get to know me and why I might have this issue. They've said that it's because I'm too quiet, I don't smile a lot or I seem sad so it's really hard to get to know me. I've also been very accustomed to censoring myself and my opinions due to some oppresive environments when I was growing up and other life experiences so I know I tend not to express my thoughts, opinons or life. In short psychological terms, I'm socialy inhibited due to shame. Many possible reasons, aside from the INFJ thing, I'm not sure which is the cause. 

However, I was having dinner with one of my close students (former, now that he graduated)  whom I consider a friend and dongsaeng/junior and he mentioned that unlike others, I tend to NOT share stories about myself and suddenly this observation made my volunteer experience make so much more sense. By sharing about one's self and one's life, it's easier to make connections and form relationships quicker. And in the therapy setting, the students were slightly autistic or had social issues so they would obviously need to practice this skill so they could make it easier for other people get to know them and connect with them better in school and their personal life.

Sometimes I don't want to burden the other person by talking about myself because I don't want to seem egotistical and this is also an INFJ thing I heard. But also, a lot of my life has been so dark and sad that I feel like it's too serious for me to share those things with people who I'm not close with. All other things, I find are too meaningless and trivial to worth mentioning. But I guess I have to start practicing talking about things that might seem meaningless to me since they're not dark or depressing. 

So because I had that lightbulb moment I think I should work to change that. That student that led me to that conclusion is taking a year off to study again for the Korean college entrance exam for a better score. Basically he studies at this academy for over 10 hours a day and has no contact with the outside world and he tells me he is dyinggggg for social interaction haha. I guess he's an extrovert. But also being inside all day is like prison so I understand. Since I live nearby and also am his friend, we decided to eat dinner together once a week. And I think it will be good practice for me to share something about myself and something that happened to me during the week every time we have dinner instead of my usual tendency to avoid talking about myself/my life and my usual tendency to talk about neutral topics or ask the other person a bajillion questions.