#inexpressive

I was once expressive, and people still claim my voice is loud, but any semblance of emotion in it is all a mask to appear polite, mature, and appropriate.

I can sound and be happy days where my depression doesn't claim me, but it's as simple as that. I cannot control how numb I may be, because there will always be a part of me afraid to be weak and vulnerable, that thrives off of being the reliable and unmoving one, no matter the cost.

I don't even remember when I first became like this. Maybe I lost one emotion at a time. Maybe it's just the quirks of my ptsd.

People never seem to know when I’m not feeling well unless I say something, and even then I seem unable to communicate the extent of it. Does anyone else have this problem?

My current hypothesis is that my face isn’t naturally expressive so my resting “I’m sick” or “I’m in pain” face is indistinguishable from my resting “everything is fine” face.

It’s a bit of a problem, because I have migraines and anxiety, and I’m a bit of a hypochondriac, so I can’t rely on anyone but myself (not the best source) to gauge how unwell I am at any given time.

If I’m not in pretty extreme pain (relative to what I’ve experienced, not relative to what I can imagine based on other people’s descriptions of migraines), then I figure I’m functional, and I’m unsure what parts of that “functional” grey area are occupied by “unwell and should rest” and “just being a big baby and should push through it like an adult” and “you’d totally feel better if you didn’t overthink this shit.”

I tend to be overly expressive, if anything, when called upon to be social. (As an example on more than one occasion, people have poked fun at me for how vigorously I wave “hello.”) This could well be all acting, but I’ve been doing it so long I really don’t know.