#ineeddirection

I guess I’m too lost and feeling confused in life that’s why I always read these kinda quotes, I wish I can quit this habit someday....... : : #addictedtoreadingquotes #ilovequote #findingmywayout #pleasehelpmegod #ineeddirection

@BoweryBallroom @TeenageFanclub play #INeedDirection #TeenageFanclub #BoweryBallroom #GoodMusic #NYC (at The Bowery Ballroom)

Lately I have been feeling like I need to make some major changes in my life. I am at a point where everything is just standing still. I am so scared to take a leap though, but I think it's time. We have finally come to a balance at home, financially we are getting through our days better than we have ever, both of us working keeps a steady flow of income, allows us to pay all of our bills on time and still have money left for fun and things we want. However, it's still minimal. We recently purchased to new car, a nice new car that after being diligent with our payments, our credit is looking a bit nicer. Right now, I am stuck between having another baby, going back to school or saving to buy a house. All 3 of these things take time and effort, being 32 ... I have to really think what it is that is most important for my family. Bella is dying for a sibling, every day she asks me if Jesus is sending our baby soon. Having a baby will take a big toll on us financially. Not sure if I am ready for that. I can decide to go to school, maybe take the next 3 years making it happen ... by that time when I am done, I'll be 35, maybe going on 36. I could still make having a baby happen after that, but it's risky. Or we can buy a home, save all our penny's yet still probably have to work my butt off working to pay my mortgage and then my plans for travel in the future would be ruined. See, this is when I wish I would have listened to my mom when I was 20. But, no I was stubborn and thought I knew everything. Thought life was easier that what it really is. Anyway, I am stuck and not taking any steps forward. I am kind of just standing here not knowing which direction to go. Some people tell me to pray on it. But, since I am not very religious and attend church maybe once a year, it feels hypocritical of me. So, I would hate to be the person who only prays when they need something. I want so much for Bella, so I know I need to move ... and I need to move fast. I feel I have a mind block right now. I go over this in my brain in the middle of the night hoping I get that " Aha!" moment and figure out what I am supposed to do. But, no ... I wake up rushing to get out the door, get my Bella to school and start my day at the office, sifting through paperwork, auditing charts. I think about 10 years from today and know I will be somewhere better. I love my job, don't get me wrong. The pay is well, I make more than enough to take care of my family, thank god that I have this in my life, I am grateful for it. But, I know that there is more, I am smart and I have a lot of offer the world, I know I do. I need a little more training of course, education is one of the most important things in life, something I hope Bella takes advantage of. I needed to get this off my chest, because talking to myself at 3 am isn't helping much. Once I get anxiety, it's hard to sleep. I need to find the answer I am looking for. I need direction. I love my family and I only want to give them a good life. I want to see the world, at least a small portion of it if I am able to before I die. I want Bella to know she had a mom who would do anything to make her happy. I will do what it takes. I will pray, meditate, research, work hard, find myself... and what I want out of this life. xoxo, Me.

sooo i went to my radiology introduction class today and idk if its something i should be doing... im so confused because i like the IDEA of working in a hospital but reality is another thing. the program seems VERY intensive and im such a passive person... idk how that would work but on the other hand, im the type of person that does what needs to be done, to get where i should be. But yea im sooo confused that it scares me. on the other hand i dont see my self in another area of work because i dont like numbers or writing papers or making speeches/decisions nor am i creative, which cancels out every career... ughhhh im just gonna go be a stripper, they dont need an education (lmao jk)

i just wanna go back to being 8. homeschooled. no worries or cares. sleeping in then watching disney movies all day and talking to my friends on the phone. :(