#incompetentcervix

We had just graduated from UC Davis, and we were getting ready for our wedding.  We got married on our 9th Anniversary June 28th 2014.  Life was falling into place, I was going to take the MCAT and apply to medical school, your daddy was going to pursue his career in business/management and real estate. 

Two weeks after our wedding we found out we were expecting you.  We were very shocked but very happy and excited for you.  We didn’t know you were a little girl, and I thought you were a boy because of the cravings I had.  It was August 8th 2014 when we first saw you on the ultrasound moving around and your strong heartbeat.  It was November 4th 2014 when I first felt you move around in my tummy.  You were so wanted and loved from the moment we knew you were coming.  You’re grandparents were so excited and so happy to meet you, they loved you so much.  

We found out you were a little girl on October 11th 2014.  We were so happy that you were a little girl, we had a little princess on the way.  Your daddy said to me, “well you are no longer my princess, you are my queen, because we have a little princess on the way.” We were just so blessed and we enjoyed every moment with you.  Your grandparents were able to come with us to ultrasounds to see you move around and love you.  

Everything was going so well, no problems with the pregnancy or my health. However on Thanksgiving night I was admitted to the hospital because I had a little bleeding.  I was told that my cervix was opened and that your bag was coming out.  The doctors tried to do everything possible to keep you in longer.  Your heartbeat was very strong and you were moving around at your normal time at night and at 10am every morning.  Unfortunately after a week in the hospital and when the antibiotics stopped, your heartbeat also stopped.  December 6th 2014 was the worst day of our lives.  Those words still haunt me til this day, “there is no heartbeat.” I didn’t understand why this was happening, I did everything right, I took care of myself for you.  I waiting until I was married, until we both had degrees, and your grandparents had been waiting for this moment all of their lives.  Why was this happening to us and why couldn’t we do anything about it?  All of those questions never got answers. 

I delivered you naturally and the we were able to hold you, kiss you, sing to you and talk to you.  You were our little blessing and you were beautiful.  We loved you so much and we will always love you.  The nurses and doctors at the hospital were very caring and they cried for you too, you impacted so many people and you are truly a blessing.  So many people prayed for you, and so many people were touched by you.  To this day, people remember you, talk about you and smile when they hear your name.  You have made me stronger than I thought I could ever be.  Because of you I am fearless and I am faithful.  You are my blessing and you will always be in my heart.  Because of you I don’t give up, because of you I am still here and because of you I want to help other, and be there for them.  

Karisma your are forever loved and will forever be remembered... <3 

A Week Before Receiving the Stitch (McDonald Cerclage)

The week leading up to the out patient procedure of receiving a stitch to close the bottom of my cervix was exciting but also a little scary. I asked a few of my closest friends to host a “prayer shower” for me. To pray over the procedure, the pregnancy, the length of my cervix, my anxiety, etc. That prayer shower was probably one of the best things that I could have ever received. The people that showed up and covered me in prayer encouraged me so much. They spoke life and truth into existence and it was so powerful that I left feeling a supernatural peace and joy about the procedure that would happen in a few days. 

The Day of the Procedure

August 29, 2016 - we were told that we were supposed to arrive at 6 a.m. to the outpatient surgical building across from the hospital. We pull into the parking lot and Christian turns the vehicle off. He grabs my hand and begins praying over me and the procedure. After we pray, we head into the building, check in, sign paperwork, and speak to someone who handles insurance. Everything is going smoothly so far. We sit in the waiting room for a short amount of time before a nurse calls my name to start prepping me for the procedure. The nurse is so kind and soft spoken. She begins to ask me about my past pregnancies which I tell her about our first miscarriage and then the birth/death of our son, Isaiah. Immediately she gives her condolences but then goes on to say how strong I am at such a young age. I instantly point it all back to Jesus because in all honesty, I AM NOT STRONG WITHOUT JESUS. She goes on to say how that is completely true. That we all need Jesus. In that moment, I felt myself relax some more because I knew that this nurse was specifically put into my pre-op care for a reason.

She finished all of the preparations for the procedure and then Christian and our pastor push past the curtain to my area. Our pastor talks with us a bit and then prays over the procedure and the baby. After praying, he leaves Christian and I in the room alone. Having my husband there before the operation was such a blessing because we were able to have time to just sit and hangout with one another. He sat next to me holding my hand completely silent. In that moment, I knew that we both felt such peace about this procedure and the promises that Jesus has given us. 

About 10 minute later, my doctor comes by to ask how I’m doing and double checks everything. He finishes up some paperwork and then tells the nurse that he is all ready to begin the procedure. The nurse tells us that Christian will need to say his goodbyes and head back to the waiting room because they will be taking me back to the OR (operating room). He looks at me so hopeful and I know that everything is going to be alright. The nurse grabs the bed and takes me into double doors which lead into the OR. 

As soon as we enter into the OR, I begin to get chills all over my body because of how cold it is. I mean, I know it has to be cold for sterile reasons but this was COLD. The OR is filled with large equipment, machines, over sized lights, and another bed for me to transfer to. They pull my bed up next to the other one and help me transfer myself to the other bed. I have 3 people around me, one telling me that I will feel a little sting and coldness while the other two are making sure that I am covered completely because they must know that the thin little white sheet that was currently on me was not enough to keep anyone warm in that room. One of the ladies in the OR puts a breathing mask on me and tells me that it is “fresh air”. She tells me to take deep breaths and after about 4, I don’t remember anything after that. 

The next thing I know, I am waking up in the room that I all of my pre-op care in. I look around and no one is to be found. I close my eyes again to get some rest since I was still a little groggy. Another 5 minutes goes by and a nurse comes in to check on me. I wake up and she completes some tests to make sure that everything is going smoothly after the operation. She leaves but quickly returns with my husband. He sits next to me and asks how I’m feeling along with all of the normal questions that someone asks when they are genuinely concerned. In all honesty, I was feeling fine but I feel like I was only asleep for 5 minutes. Christian tells me that my doctor talked to him about my procedure on his way out of the building. He told Christian that everything went very smoothly, my stitch was placed really high, and that my cervix looked great. Altogether, the procedure lasted about 15 minutes. It was extremely quick. 

The recovery time for this procedure was pretty simple. I spotted for about 24 hours which is completely normal. I was placed on bed rest for a week but since I was already a stay at home wife, it was pretty easy to do moderate bed rest for the next few weeks. Netflix was definitely helpful. Haha

We had a meal train going around for us which was so sweet and helpful. People came by to keep us company and the food was delicious! If you ever want to serve someone who is going through a difficult time, meals are a lifesaver! www.takethemameal.com

If you’re reading this and have no idea what an Incompetent Cervix is, don’t worry. I didn’t know what it was until I experienced it first hand. 

Defining Incompetent Cervix (IC) 

Incompetent Cervix or also known as Cervical Insufficiency is a condition that occurs when weak cervical tissue causes or contributes to premature birth or the loss of an otherwise healthy pregnancy.

The cervix on the left is considered to be a normal cervix while the cervix on the right is considered to be an incompetent cervix because it is open.

When the cervix opens, this can cause premature labor because the cervix begins to dilate without the mother even knowing. It is essentially why many women lose their babies. They have no idea they are dilating because it is usually painless until it is considered too late. Some lucky mothers go in for routine checks just in time to save the baby by performing an emergency cerclage (sutures) to close the cervix. 

Preventative Measures

There are many preventative measures that may be taken in order to bring a baby safely into the world. 

First, let me just show you a picture of the different cerclages that can be placed in order to prevent premature labor. 

The highest one is known as a Trans-Abdominal Cerclage (TAC). This one can be placed before conception or it can be placed at the end of the first trimester or the beginning of the second trimester using general or spinal anesthesia. The TAC has a success rate of over 90%. Mothers who decide to take the route of a TAC usually have had a failed trans-vaginal cerclage in the past. With a TAC, doctors have to perform a cesarean.

The second one down is known as the Trans-Vaginal Cervicoisthmic Cerclage (TVCIC). This cerclage is the highest placed trans-vaginal cerclage. This one is only placed by a few doctors in the United States and proves to be very successful. Doctors place this cerclage around 11-15 weeks. Around 36-37 weeks, the doctor will remove the cerclage by using either general or spinal anesthesia in an operating room. This allows the mother to have a vaginal delivery.

The third one down is known as the shirodkar cerclage which is a transvaginal cerclage. This type of cerclage is less common and technically more difficult than a McDonald. It is also thought (though not proven) to reduce the risk of infection. Doctor’s place this cerclage between 11-15 weeks. This cerclage has an 80% success rate. The Shirodkar cerclage is taken out around 36-37 weeks but is usually taken out under general or spinal anesthesia in an operating room. This allows the mother to have a vaginal delivery.

The last one is known as the McDonald trans-vaginal cerclage. This is the most commonly used cerclage that is placed to hold the cervix closed. Doctor’s place this cerclage between 11-15 weeks under general or spinal anesthesia. This cerclage has an 80% success rate and is removed around 36-37 weeks. Doctors typically remove the cerclage in the office without any pain medication but if the cerclage is difficult to remove or the patient is in too much pain then it will be removed under general or spinal anesthesia in the operating room. This cerclage may also be placed during emergency situations such as the cervix dilating before 24 weeks.

These are the different preventative measures to help women bring their babies safely into the world. There are other issues that may occur but those can be saved for another day. 

After Isaiah’s burial, the amount of love and help we received after was amazing. Our family, friends, church, and even strangers went out of their way to make us dinners, bring us groceries, mow our lawn, and even just come to sit with us at our home. We felt so loved.

It was hard to find a new “normal” though. We were grieving the loss of Isaiah but we also knew that we wanted to try again for another baby. At the time, I feel like I was just trying to move forward hoping the pain would ease but I also knew that the pain wouldn’t ease by having another baby. If anything, becoming pregnant and having another baby would only remind me that Isaiah was never coming back. I would never get to nurse him. Never get to wake up in the middle of the night because he was crying. Never get to experience him going through the teething stage. Never get to experience him complete any “firsts”. Never get to watch him play sports. This was a hard reality to face. So I knew that the next baby would never replace Isaiah. I also didn’t want our next child to replace Isaiah, try to “complete” me or Christian in any way due to our losses, or feel as if he/she had to live up to certain expectations because of their siblings in Heaven. 

There were good days and then there were bad days. On the bad days, I couldn’t even get out of bed. I would just weep. Christian would try to read the bible to me or play worship music for me but none of that worked - partly because I didn’t want it to work. I WANTED to wallow in my grief. There was a part of me that knew grieving like that wouldn’t heal me, make me feel better, or even help me understand why Isaiah’s life was cut short. Christian would pray over me and after a few minutes of him praying, I would come out of those dark places. One day he said something that helped me so much.  “There’s a difference between grieving and being engulfed by the grief to where the enemy uses it to cause torment and destruction.”  Those words helped me to grieve without becoming engulfed by the waves of my emotions. He wasn’t saying that my emotions weren’t valid because they were however; there is a healthy way to grieve, especially because we as believers know that we will one day see our loved ones again because there is LIFE after DEATH when you know Jesus as your Savior. 

Christian and I talked, prayed, cried, battled with our emotions, and battled with the plan that Jesus had for our family for months. We knew we weren’t exactly ready to get pregnant right away but we also had hope and faith that Jesus would bless my womb again in his perfect timing.

The Process

About two months after Isaiah, I started seeing a chiropractor because I was having back pains which I suspected were from the back labor along with some other underlying issues. I confided in her about everything we went through recently. I told her we eventually wanted to start trying for baby #3 but I wanted my body to be healthy before getting pregnant. I gained about 20 pounds with Isaiah in just a matter of 21 weeks. I knew I was overweight - the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I also expressed to her that I was having some issues having a regular menstrual cycle. After my first time getting adjusted, I started my menstrual cycle the next day. Oh, how I was so happy and relieved to finally experience my menstrual cycle because I knew that everything was okay internally. 

After that month, I eagerly waited for my next cycle to begin. I was working out and getting adjusted weekly so I was hopeful that I would start again only that month, I didn’t. I didnt’ start my cycle which irritated me so I relay this information to my chiropractor. She tells me that I need to start a low carb diet, stay away from sugars, and try to eat gluten free options because she believed that I was inflamed ultimately preventing me from having regular menstrual cycles. 

I know of a few people who are on low carb diets for health reasons so I reached out to them along with doing some research and Pinterest-ing. I knew that if I started this process, I wanted to be dedicated to it. After about a month of sticking to this new diet/lifestyle and working out, I start my cycle. That motivated me to continue this new way of living because I was watching my body transform and become healthy- externally and internally. 

Shortly after, I take a pregnancy test because I am “late” according to my last cycle. The test comes up negative and in a way, I am a little relieved but also a little sad. Relieved because I wanted to continue getting healthy but partly because I didn’t know if I was really ready like I thought I was. I continued working out and eating right but the next week, I started to experience some symptoms that are typically related to pregnancy but can also be related to starting a new menstrual cycle. I ignored the symptoms because I didn’t want to get my hopes up if I wasn’t pregnant but also because I didn’t want to spend money on another test just for it to tell me that I wasn’t pregnant. I give it a few more days before I tell Christian to pick me up a test on his way home from work just because the symptoms were still there. I take the test and within seconds the Clear Blue Digital Test reads… PREGNANT. 

Finding out my husband and I were expecting a baby was exciting but also nerve wracking since we were only married for 6 months. We always knew we wanted a pretty big family because we both came from big families. Christian’s the middle child of 5 and I’m the youngest of 4. 

Around 6 weeks, I started to bleed which is when I knew that my body was rejecting the baby. Shortly after, we realized we were the members of this secret community known as the miscarriage community. I kept it hidden for a while until I realized that I shouldn’t feel ashamed or feel as if my pain and emotions weren’t valid. My husband felt the same except that he was always better at leaning on the plan that Jesus had. I still hadn’t figured out what exactly that plan was or what it was going to look like. 

When people would announce their pregnancies, it was challenging for me. I was battling all of these mixed emotions that come with losing a child. It’s not that I wasn’t thrilled for my friends on social media because I truly was happy for them. I was just hurting because I was still in the grief period (not that there is even a real timeline for grieving because it comes in these overwhelming waves). 

Six months after losing our first child, we decided that we were ready to expand our family again. Only this time, we quickly realized that it doesn’t always happen within the first cycle. I became a little worried after a couple of months because I felt as if something was wrong but specialists wont even see you unless you have been trying for over a year with no luck. My menstrual cycles were off which was concerning because it all started happening after the loss of our first baby. About 5 ½ months later, I took a test and it was positive. We were thrilled but nervous as well because of the first miscarriage. The same day we took the test, I received a phone call from a family member letting me know that my biological dad died. It was a really rough night with a lot of mixed emotions. I felt as if I couldn’t catch a break. 

We announced that we were expecting and asked for many prayers because we were still nervous about losing this little one. After we got out of the first trimester, I felt like I could breathe again. The percentage of having a second trimester loss is significantly low compared to the first trimester. 

At 16 weeks, we found out we were going to be welcoming a baby boy into our family! We were ecstatic! We picked a name out for him shortly after. Isaiah. 

After welcoming the 2016 new year, we expected everything to be so easy because we were halfway through the pregnancy and closer to meeting our son… except we didn’t know that our world would soon be falling apart…

WARNING: the events below are going to be detailed and may be hard to handle but this is our reality.

THE WEEK OUR WORLD COLLAPSED

21 WEEKS PREGNANT

I woke up to start my day off as any other normal day only today was going to go a lot differently than I imagined. After using the restroom, I wiped and saw that I had this crazy amount of mucus looking stuff on the toilet paper. It scared me so badly that I decided to call Christian at work and tell him that I was going to pick him up on my way to the hospital so he could go with me. Shortly after arriving at the hospital, I was taken to a smaller version of Labor and Delivery because all of the beds in L&D were filled with people welcoming their new bundles of joy. The on-call doctor ran some tests, gave me ultrasounds, and told me everything was fine. He sent me home but the next morning, I woke up and found that I had the “bloody show”. I rushed back to the hospital and told them what was going on and that I would not be leaving this time. I was sent to an OB where she told me that I was dilated and that I had bulging membranes. This is where my world collapsed. I never knew something like this could happen. I wasn’t experiencing any physical pain or discomfort which I found to be odd. I was admitted into the hospital and put on bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy (which the doctors didn’t expect to last very long). 

That day was hard but that night was even worse. I went to use the restroom and felt something weird coming out of me. I reached down and felt a balloon like material which prompted me to tell Christian to get the nurses. They helped transfer me back to the bed and quickly rushed me off to a delivery room. I was shaking and crying uncontrollably because I knew it was too early. He was too young to survive outside of the womb. His lungs were not developed enough. The doctors and nurses would not resuscitate him. This was a terrible nightmare that I wanted to wake up from. Christian and I began praying and calling out to God during this chaotic time. When the doctor got into the room, she checked me and saw that the membranes went back up. She was pleased with this because it gave me a little more time to keep our son inside of the womb. This was a relief to us. We knew that God was allowing us to have more time to prepare. 

Our goal was to make it another 3 weeks in order for his lungs to develop and respond to the steroid shots they would give me at 24 weeks. We had people that we knew and people we didn’t even know covering us in prayer as we were going through this difficult time. Many people came to the hospital to visit with us and pray over us. Shortly after, I started experiencing excruciating back pain. This is when I knew that labor was just beginning. The back contractions were getting closer and closer together. I was leaning on my husband while I was listening to him pray because that was the only thing that was getting me through the contractions. It was the only way that I could cope with the pain. 

A few moments later, my doctor came in to discuss pain relief options but I knew I wanted to experience this as natural as possible. I looked at my husband for reassurance which he gave me. He knew that I could handle this without any pain medication because it was something that I so desperately wanted to experience. Labor lasted for a few hours until my water finally broke. That was the most traumatic experience for me because of the loud sound that it made since I was lying on my side to relieve the pain from the back contractions. 

I lean up and tell the nurse that he is coming but she doesn’t have enough time to get the doctor into the room. Our son was coming whether we wanted him to or not. He was ready. The nurse caught him in just a matter of seconds after my water breaking and all I wanted to do was hold him and tell him how much I loved him. All I could do was cry because I knew that I would only have a short amount of time with him. Christian’s expression towards our son is what broke me more. To see how much he loved his son. As we were holding our son, the nurses kept checking his heart to see if it was still beating. They did this for 58 minutes and then we just knew that he had slipped away into Heaven to be with Jesus. 

WE WERE BROKEN. All throughout my pregnancy, there was one scripture that kept coming to me. 

Isaiah 41:10  “So do not fear, for I am with you;    do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you;    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

One of the nurses put together a box of keepsakes for us to take home. She brought in something that they put in all of the boxes and the scripture happened to be Isaiah 41:10. Many would call it a coincidence but I don’t. I believe that Jesus knew we needed that scripture all throughout my pregnancy for this divine moment. 

Meet our son, Isaiah Christian Mendoza. 1lb 1oz. 11 inches long. Born January 15, 2016, at 2:12 a.m.

After we had time with our son, we decided that it was time to let him go. His color was changing and we didn’t want to remember him that way because of how painful it was for us. The rest of the time that we were there was a blur. We were sleep deprived and in so much pain. We slept on the couch together because I couldn’t handle sleeping in the hospital bed. It was a reminder of all that happened just moments ago. 

We were woken up at 6 a.m. to the doctor and a nurse telling us that we were going to be discharged shortly but after seeing how tired we were, she felt that it was probably best for us to sleep a little longer before getting on the road. I remember waking up and hoping that it was all a bad dream but I only woke up to the reality that I no longer carried my son in my womb. I no longer had the hard bump. I could hear the cries of a newborn baby in the room next door and I felt as if all the air was knocked out of me. It was unbearable. 

THE AFTER EFFECTS

We finally felt what God felt when he sent his only son into the world to die for people that hated him. Watching our son pass was the hardest thing we have ever gone through. We didn’t understand why so we started praying for comfort and peace. 

If I’m being honest, I could only cry during my prayers. I would try to speak but as soon as I would try to form words, I would weep. In those moments, I knew that God felt my pain, grief, depression, etc. He felt it all. But in those moments, I never felt so close to God.

Psalms 34:18  ″The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.“

This scripture is so real and so true. The day we buried our son, many family members and friends came to the funeral to support us during this hard time. It was rough but we managed to get through it with Jesus. Knowing that our son was in Heaven completely pain free was what kept us moving forward.

The hours, days, weeks, and months that followed his death were so difficult to get through but we got through them. Together. Christian and I leaned on one another through it all. We stayed and fought through the pain, the darkness, and even saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Our faith was challenged at times but we continued to lean on Jesus through all of it because we knew that he had a plan all worked out even if we couldn’t see it.

Meeting with my doctors 4 weeks after birth, we were told that I have a condition called Incompetent Cervix. This is where the cervix can’t handle all of the weight of the baby and amniotic fluid. The cervix begins to dilate too early because it thinks that it is time for the baby to come. Thankfully, there are many options available to bring a baby safely into the world with this condition, however, we know that God is able to heal. 

After meeting with my OB, I met with a high risk doctor also known as a Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist. I did some research before my consultation with him so that I would be aware of my options and have knowledge about this condition. Before meeting with him, Christian and I prayed that if this was the doctor for our next pregnancy that he would give us the exact plan we wanted and felt was best for me. The Lord definitely heard and answered our prayers because this doctor was compassionate and gave us the plan we wanted! 

We were finally getting answers as to why I went into pre-term labor and how we could prevent these issues for the next pregnancy. 

My little one, 

So I came to the realization today that I have developed severe anxiety since you left. 

Every time I am confronted with any social situation, where I am forced to interact with anyone other than your dad, I get seriously panicked. I couldn’t put my finger on it until I today, when I realized that its just around people I know, or better put, people that knew you. 

I’m fine going to school, all smiles interacting with strangers (crazy how easy its become to fake that smile) but any time I am expected to physically interact with anyone that knew you, I am sent into a panic. And I dont understand why. 

Its been almost 3 months since you left me, my little boy. I am happy to tell you that I am able to be alone now. I have tried to keep up with the boot-camping (although am bitterly frustrated that I have not lost any weight ugh). The physical activity tires me out and I am able to sleep through the night without any sleepaids now. In fact, being awake has become more of the problem now. I am back to being able to survive by myself. In fact, the nights your dad works, I prefer to just be by myself. I dont panic when he leaves as much. 

I hope this anxiety subsides soon. I feel like people, especially close loved ones dont understand that I still need time. Probably more now than I did immediately after you left. Reality is sinking in. 

I keep wishing you werent so eager to see the world and stayed inside just a few weeks longer. You would’ve been due in no time. The doctors said if you stayed in for even just one week longer, you could’ve survived. Now, all I can think about is how one week can make all the difference in the world. The difference between life and death, really.