#secondtrimesterloss

Have you ever found yourself in a deja vu moment? Well, let me explain the time I found myself in one of those moments. 

Christian and I wake up around 8 a.m. and begin getting ready for the doctor appointment that I had in about 2 hours. As I’m getting ready, it hits me. I’m 18 weeks pregnant. And suddenly, it all comes flooding back. 

18 weeks was my last ultrasound with Isaiah. 18 weeks was when everything seemed to be completely normal with my pregnancy with Isaiah.  18 weeks is when the OBGYN that we had with Isaiah confirmed for the second time that we were having a boy.

So as you can imagine, I’m pretty emotional. I’m trying so hard to lean on Jesus because I know that he will strengthen me just like it says in Isaiah 41:10. I know that he will help me get through this appointment and this day but it’s also such a hard day for me. 

We head to the doctor’s office just like any other day. I go to the back for the normal routine - weight, urine sample, and blood pressure. We head into the ultrasound room and the ultrasound technician begins the abdominal ultrasound. She’s doing the normal routine, yet all I can think about is “How long is my cervix? Is the McDonald cerclage holding my cervix shut like it’s supposed to? What if they see that my cervix is shortening? Were the progesterone shots working?” My doctor comes into the room and immediately takes over the ultrasound. He grabs the probe or wand, whatever it’s called, to do an internal ultrasound to get a better measurement of my cervix and what my cerclage looks like. As I look up to see what is on the screen, he begins pointing out where the cerclage is and then measures the length of my cervix. He completes the ultrasound and tells me that my cervical length looks great - 3.4cm long. 

I immediately take a deep breath as if someone was cutting off my airway. It was such a relief to hear that everything was going well. My doctor asked if I had any other questions and before I could even let him finish his sentence, I blurt out “Can I be seen in 2 weeks? The last time I was pregnant, 18 weeks was my last ultrasound and everything went down hill from there ultimately ending my pregnancy with Isaiah because it was too late to save him.” He immediately said yes to seeing me in 2 weeks because he knew that it was important to keep a close eye on my cervix along with giving me peace of mind. In all honesty, I think he knew I wasn’t going to take “No” for an answer which is right of him to assume because I wouldn’t have. Knowing that everything was going to be handled in a preventative manner was the only thing that I was going to accept/allow. This was important to me. 

Majority of the time, you have to advocate for you and your baby. Many people put their full trust in a physician when in all actuality, they are human. They make mistakes or misjudge because they compare a situation to statistics along with their experiences. I was happy that in that moment, we found favor with God and favor with our MFM specialist. 

After the appointment, I felt like the Lord placed 2 Corinthians 12:9 on my heart. 

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Honestly, I felt weak that whole morning. I wanted to trust Jesus so badly but I faltered. I was quick to let my fears and weaknesses take over rather than trusting Jesus wholeheartedly. But in that, Jesus never left me. He was with us in that ultrasound room and he knew that I needed a doctor who was going to see me in 2 weeks. After reading 2 Corinthians 12:9, I found comfort because even though I am imperfect, Jesus can still speak to my heart. He can still move mountains. He can still do great things even if I have such little faith. He knows my heart and knows that I was battling with this day because of all the memories that it brought back for me. If I was always strong, I wouldn’t need Jesus but because I am weak without Jesus, I am in constant need of him. He is my strength, hope, peace, comfort, joy, and so much more. 

I’ve never done anything like this before. And that’s scary. Sharing your story is never easy. But I want this to be more than just a place for me to share my story and have a space to process, I want this to be a place where other people who have experienced this pain can find their voice. 

I haven’t shared my story yet, but this is a process as much for me as anyone else. 

If you’re reading this and have no idea what an Incompetent Cervix is, don’t worry. I didn’t know what it was until I experienced it first hand. 

Defining Incompetent Cervix (IC) 

Incompetent Cervix or also known as Cervical Insufficiency is a condition that occurs when weak cervical tissue causes or contributes to premature birth or the loss of an otherwise healthy pregnancy.

The cervix on the left is considered to be a normal cervix while the cervix on the right is considered to be an incompetent cervix because it is open.

When the cervix opens, this can cause premature labor because the cervix begins to dilate without the mother even knowing. It is essentially why many women lose their babies. They have no idea they are dilating because it is usually painless until it is considered too late. Some lucky mothers go in for routine checks just in time to save the baby by performing an emergency cerclage (sutures) to close the cervix. 

Preventative Measures

There are many preventative measures that may be taken in order to bring a baby safely into the world. 

First, let me just show you a picture of the different cerclages that can be placed in order to prevent premature labor. 

The highest one is known as a Trans-Abdominal Cerclage (TAC). This one can be placed before conception or it can be placed at the end of the first trimester or the beginning of the second trimester using general or spinal anesthesia. The TAC has a success rate of over 90%. Mothers who decide to take the route of a TAC usually have had a failed trans-vaginal cerclage in the past. With a TAC, doctors have to perform a cesarean.

The second one down is known as the Trans-Vaginal Cervicoisthmic Cerclage (TVCIC). This cerclage is the highest placed trans-vaginal cerclage. This one is only placed by a few doctors in the United States and proves to be very successful. Doctors place this cerclage around 11-15 weeks. Around 36-37 weeks, the doctor will remove the cerclage by using either general or spinal anesthesia in an operating room. This allows the mother to have a vaginal delivery.

The third one down is known as the shirodkar cerclage which is a transvaginal cerclage. This type of cerclage is less common and technically more difficult than a McDonald. It is also thought (though not proven) to reduce the risk of infection. Doctor’s place this cerclage between 11-15 weeks. This cerclage has an 80% success rate. The Shirodkar cerclage is taken out around 36-37 weeks but is usually taken out under general or spinal anesthesia in an operating room. This allows the mother to have a vaginal delivery.

The last one is known as the McDonald trans-vaginal cerclage. This is the most commonly used cerclage that is placed to hold the cervix closed. Doctor’s place this cerclage between 11-15 weeks under general or spinal anesthesia. This cerclage has an 80% success rate and is removed around 36-37 weeks. Doctors typically remove the cerclage in the office without any pain medication but if the cerclage is difficult to remove or the patient is in too much pain then it will be removed under general or spinal anesthesia in the operating room. This cerclage may also be placed during emergency situations such as the cervix dilating before 24 weeks.

These are the different preventative measures to help women bring their babies safely into the world. There are other issues that may occur but those can be saved for another day. 

After Isaiah’s burial, the amount of love and help we received after was amazing. Our family, friends, church, and even strangers went out of their way to make us dinners, bring us groceries, mow our lawn, and even just come to sit with us at our home. We felt so loved.

It was hard to find a new “normal” though. We were grieving the loss of Isaiah but we also knew that we wanted to try again for another baby. At the time, I feel like I was just trying to move forward hoping the pain would ease but I also knew that the pain wouldn’t ease by having another baby. If anything, becoming pregnant and having another baby would only remind me that Isaiah was never coming back. I would never get to nurse him. Never get to wake up in the middle of the night because he was crying. Never get to experience him going through the teething stage. Never get to experience him complete any “firsts”. Never get to watch him play sports. This was a hard reality to face. So I knew that the next baby would never replace Isaiah. I also didn’t want our next child to replace Isaiah, try to “complete” me or Christian in any way due to our losses, or feel as if he/she had to live up to certain expectations because of their siblings in Heaven. 

There were good days and then there were bad days. On the bad days, I couldn’t even get out of bed. I would just weep. Christian would try to read the bible to me or play worship music for me but none of that worked - partly because I didn’t want it to work. I WANTED to wallow in my grief. There was a part of me that knew grieving like that wouldn’t heal me, make me feel better, or even help me understand why Isaiah’s life was cut short. Christian would pray over me and after a few minutes of him praying, I would come out of those dark places. One day he said something that helped me so much.  “There’s a difference between grieving and being engulfed by the grief to where the enemy uses it to cause torment and destruction.”  Those words helped me to grieve without becoming engulfed by the waves of my emotions. He wasn’t saying that my emotions weren’t valid because they were however; there is a healthy way to grieve, especially because we as believers know that we will one day see our loved ones again because there is LIFE after DEATH when you know Jesus as your Savior. 

Christian and I talked, prayed, cried, battled with our emotions, and battled with the plan that Jesus had for our family for months. We knew we weren’t exactly ready to get pregnant right away but we also had hope and faith that Jesus would bless my womb again in his perfect timing.

The Process

About two months after Isaiah, I started seeing a chiropractor because I was having back pains which I suspected were from the back labor along with some other underlying issues. I confided in her about everything we went through recently. I told her we eventually wanted to start trying for baby #3 but I wanted my body to be healthy before getting pregnant. I gained about 20 pounds with Isaiah in just a matter of 21 weeks. I knew I was overweight - the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I also expressed to her that I was having some issues having a regular menstrual cycle. After my first time getting adjusted, I started my menstrual cycle the next day. Oh, how I was so happy and relieved to finally experience my menstrual cycle because I knew that everything was okay internally. 

After that month, I eagerly waited for my next cycle to begin. I was working out and getting adjusted weekly so I was hopeful that I would start again only that month, I didn’t. I didnt’ start my cycle which irritated me so I relay this information to my chiropractor. She tells me that I need to start a low carb diet, stay away from sugars, and try to eat gluten free options because she believed that I was inflamed ultimately preventing me from having regular menstrual cycles. 

I know of a few people who are on low carb diets for health reasons so I reached out to them along with doing some research and Pinterest-ing. I knew that if I started this process, I wanted to be dedicated to it. After about a month of sticking to this new diet/lifestyle and working out, I start my cycle. That motivated me to continue this new way of living because I was watching my body transform and become healthy- externally and internally. 

Shortly after, I take a pregnancy test because I am “late” according to my last cycle. The test comes up negative and in a way, I am a little relieved but also a little sad. Relieved because I wanted to continue getting healthy but partly because I didn’t know if I was really ready like I thought I was. I continued working out and eating right but the next week, I started to experience some symptoms that are typically related to pregnancy but can also be related to starting a new menstrual cycle. I ignored the symptoms because I didn’t want to get my hopes up if I wasn’t pregnant but also because I didn’t want to spend money on another test just for it to tell me that I wasn’t pregnant. I give it a few more days before I tell Christian to pick me up a test on his way home from work just because the symptoms were still there. I take the test and within seconds the Clear Blue Digital Test reads… PREGNANT. 

Finding out my husband and I were expecting a baby was exciting but also nerve wracking since we were only married for 6 months. We always knew we wanted a pretty big family because we both came from big families. Christian’s the middle child of 5 and I’m the youngest of 4. 

Around 6 weeks, I started to bleed which is when I knew that my body was rejecting the baby. Shortly after, we realized we were the members of this secret community known as the miscarriage community. I kept it hidden for a while until I realized that I shouldn’t feel ashamed or feel as if my pain and emotions weren’t valid. My husband felt the same except that he was always better at leaning on the plan that Jesus had. I still hadn’t figured out what exactly that plan was or what it was going to look like. 

When people would announce their pregnancies, it was challenging for me. I was battling all of these mixed emotions that come with losing a child. It’s not that I wasn’t thrilled for my friends on social media because I truly was happy for them. I was just hurting because I was still in the grief period (not that there is even a real timeline for grieving because it comes in these overwhelming waves). 

Six months after losing our first child, we decided that we were ready to expand our family again. Only this time, we quickly realized that it doesn’t always happen within the first cycle. I became a little worried after a couple of months because I felt as if something was wrong but specialists wont even see you unless you have been trying for over a year with no luck. My menstrual cycles were off which was concerning because it all started happening after the loss of our first baby. About 5 ½ months later, I took a test and it was positive. We were thrilled but nervous as well because of the first miscarriage. The same day we took the test, I received a phone call from a family member letting me know that my biological dad died. It was a really rough night with a lot of mixed emotions. I felt as if I couldn’t catch a break. 

We announced that we were expecting and asked for many prayers because we were still nervous about losing this little one. After we got out of the first trimester, I felt like I could breathe again. The percentage of having a second trimester loss is significantly low compared to the first trimester. 

At 16 weeks, we found out we were going to be welcoming a baby boy into our family! We were ecstatic! We picked a name out for him shortly after. Isaiah. 

After welcoming the 2016 new year, we expected everything to be so easy because we were halfway through the pregnancy and closer to meeting our son… except we didn’t know that our world would soon be falling apart…

WARNING: the events below are going to be detailed and may be hard to handle but this is our reality.

THE WEEK OUR WORLD COLLAPSED

21 WEEKS PREGNANT

I woke up to start my day off as any other normal day only today was going to go a lot differently than I imagined. After using the restroom, I wiped and saw that I had this crazy amount of mucus looking stuff on the toilet paper. It scared me so badly that I decided to call Christian at work and tell him that I was going to pick him up on my way to the hospital so he could go with me. Shortly after arriving at the hospital, I was taken to a smaller version of Labor and Delivery because all of the beds in L&D were filled with people welcoming their new bundles of joy. The on-call doctor ran some tests, gave me ultrasounds, and told me everything was fine. He sent me home but the next morning, I woke up and found that I had the “bloody show”. I rushed back to the hospital and told them what was going on and that I would not be leaving this time. I was sent to an OB where she told me that I was dilated and that I had bulging membranes. This is where my world collapsed. I never knew something like this could happen. I wasn’t experiencing any physical pain or discomfort which I found to be odd. I was admitted into the hospital and put on bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy (which the doctors didn’t expect to last very long). 

That day was hard but that night was even worse. I went to use the restroom and felt something weird coming out of me. I reached down and felt a balloon like material which prompted me to tell Christian to get the nurses. They helped transfer me back to the bed and quickly rushed me off to a delivery room. I was shaking and crying uncontrollably because I knew it was too early. He was too young to survive outside of the womb. His lungs were not developed enough. The doctors and nurses would not resuscitate him. This was a terrible nightmare that I wanted to wake up from. Christian and I began praying and calling out to God during this chaotic time. When the doctor got into the room, she checked me and saw that the membranes went back up. She was pleased with this because it gave me a little more time to keep our son inside of the womb. This was a relief to us. We knew that God was allowing us to have more time to prepare. 

Our goal was to make it another 3 weeks in order for his lungs to develop and respond to the steroid shots they would give me at 24 weeks. We had people that we knew and people we didn’t even know covering us in prayer as we were going through this difficult time. Many people came to the hospital to visit with us and pray over us. Shortly after, I started experiencing excruciating back pain. This is when I knew that labor was just beginning. The back contractions were getting closer and closer together. I was leaning on my husband while I was listening to him pray because that was the only thing that was getting me through the contractions. It was the only way that I could cope with the pain. 

A few moments later, my doctor came in to discuss pain relief options but I knew I wanted to experience this as natural as possible. I looked at my husband for reassurance which he gave me. He knew that I could handle this without any pain medication because it was something that I so desperately wanted to experience. Labor lasted for a few hours until my water finally broke. That was the most traumatic experience for me because of the loud sound that it made since I was lying on my side to relieve the pain from the back contractions. 

I lean up and tell the nurse that he is coming but she doesn’t have enough time to get the doctor into the room. Our son was coming whether we wanted him to or not. He was ready. The nurse caught him in just a matter of seconds after my water breaking and all I wanted to do was hold him and tell him how much I loved him. All I could do was cry because I knew that I would only have a short amount of time with him. Christian’s expression towards our son is what broke me more. To see how much he loved his son. As we were holding our son, the nurses kept checking his heart to see if it was still beating. They did this for 58 minutes and then we just knew that he had slipped away into Heaven to be with Jesus. 

WE WERE BROKEN. All throughout my pregnancy, there was one scripture that kept coming to me. 

Isaiah 41:10  “So do not fear, for I am with you;    do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you;    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

One of the nurses put together a box of keepsakes for us to take home. She brought in something that they put in all of the boxes and the scripture happened to be Isaiah 41:10. Many would call it a coincidence but I don’t. I believe that Jesus knew we needed that scripture all throughout my pregnancy for this divine moment. 

Meet our son, Isaiah Christian Mendoza. 1lb 1oz. 11 inches long. Born January 15, 2016, at 2:12 a.m.

After we had time with our son, we decided that it was time to let him go. His color was changing and we didn’t want to remember him that way because of how painful it was for us. The rest of the time that we were there was a blur. We were sleep deprived and in so much pain. We slept on the couch together because I couldn’t handle sleeping in the hospital bed. It was a reminder of all that happened just moments ago. 

We were woken up at 6 a.m. to the doctor and a nurse telling us that we were going to be discharged shortly but after seeing how tired we were, she felt that it was probably best for us to sleep a little longer before getting on the road. I remember waking up and hoping that it was all a bad dream but I only woke up to the reality that I no longer carried my son in my womb. I no longer had the hard bump. I could hear the cries of a newborn baby in the room next door and I felt as if all the air was knocked out of me. It was unbearable. 

THE AFTER EFFECTS

We finally felt what God felt when he sent his only son into the world to die for people that hated him. Watching our son pass was the hardest thing we have ever gone through. We didn’t understand why so we started praying for comfort and peace. 

If I’m being honest, I could only cry during my prayers. I would try to speak but as soon as I would try to form words, I would weep. In those moments, I knew that God felt my pain, grief, depression, etc. He felt it all. But in those moments, I never felt so close to God.

Psalms 34:18  ″The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.“

This scripture is so real and so true. The day we buried our son, many family members and friends came to the funeral to support us during this hard time. It was rough but we managed to get through it with Jesus. Knowing that our son was in Heaven completely pain free was what kept us moving forward.

The hours, days, weeks, and months that followed his death were so difficult to get through but we got through them. Together. Christian and I leaned on one another through it all. We stayed and fought through the pain, the darkness, and even saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Our faith was challenged at times but we continued to lean on Jesus through all of it because we knew that he had a plan all worked out even if we couldn’t see it.

Meeting with my doctors 4 weeks after birth, we were told that I have a condition called Incompetent Cervix. This is where the cervix can’t handle all of the weight of the baby and amniotic fluid. The cervix begins to dilate too early because it thinks that it is time for the baby to come. Thankfully, there are many options available to bring a baby safely into the world with this condition, however, we know that God is able to heal. 

After meeting with my OB, I met with a high risk doctor also known as a Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist. I did some research before my consultation with him so that I would be aware of my options and have knowledge about this condition. Before meeting with him, Christian and I prayed that if this was the doctor for our next pregnancy that he would give us the exact plan we wanted and felt was best for me. The Lord definitely heard and answered our prayers because this doctor was compassionate and gave us the plan we wanted! 

We were finally getting answers as to why I went into pre-term labor and how we could prevent these issues for the next pregnancy. 

I was 21 weeks and 4 days when Grace left me. I know a few people think that I had a miscarriage. I didn’t. I didn’t have a stillbirth. I didn’t go into premature labour. Grace was happy and growing and my pregnancy was relatively straightforward up until that point. The next sentence pains me to write. I had an abortion. I HAD to have an abortion. I had no choice. My baby hadn’t already died. My body was continuing with the pregnancy. Nothing had changed within me. The thing that changed what the knowledge that our baby would not be well enough to live. She may have died before I reached full term, she may have died during labour, she may have died at one hour old, one week old - the variables were big. The one thing that was guaranteed, without countless high risk open heart surgery operations (palliative, not corrective) without constant round the clock care, without hospital life and medication and drains and pumps and drips; Grace would die. On the other hand, even with the constant and continuous medical intervention- she still wasn’t guaranteed a life. The life she could possibly have had would have, at best, been filled with pain, and struggle and she probably never would have made it “home”. Her life expectancy would have been dramatically reduced (20 to 30 years) This is before you factor in any other daily occurances that are difficult for a healthy human, such as illness (from a cold to a severe illness). And so this is how we came to make our decision.  I remember ringing the birth centre before I went in. I was ringing at 7pm on a Saturday night to ask them what they would document in my notes. What would they write about what happened between me being pregnant and not being pregnant? Termination? Abortion? Those words to me scream “WE DID NOT WANT OUR BABY. WE MADE A CONSCIOUS DECISION TO END OUR BABIES LIFE” Yes we did make that decision. But we didn’t WANT TO. It turns out that what they do document is MEDICALLY NECESSARY ABORTION, or words to that effect.  The problem however, with a second trimester abortion is that you won’t just pass the small baby... so it’s not really an “abortion” as you think you know it. Your baby is fully formed. And the right size for over halfway through your pregnancy. What it really means is you are going to have to end this pregnancy, and then birth the baby and the placenta and the membranes and everything else. And you will contract and dilate as in a normal labour. And you will be at risk for all the complications that a normal labour entails. And it will be really painful physically.  And you will bleed. And you will swell. And also, oh yeah, you have to do this knowing that your baby isn’t going to be alive at the end of it.