#illustratorblogs

After a long enough time of not knowing how I’m really feeling about life at this particular juncture, I’ve realized that I am in fact going through a shock phase that I need to heal from.

That shock is other people’s problems.

The last time I needed healing and time to cope like this was when I had an out of body experience from the bike crash I was in.

After it had happened I was inadvertently repairing myself and my mind by spending all of my time crotcheting hats blankets and scarves.

I feel the draw to go back to it again, which to me is a sign that I need a good bit of mindless quiet time to just count stitches and feel the yarn slip through my fingers. The monotonous process of crotchet leaves me alone on the inside, enough to assimilate and fully absorb events and feelings when I go through something that traumatizes me more than I realize on a conscious level.

When I feel the oversaturated weight of not just other people’s lives, but my own.

Which isn’t to say I necessarily live with other people’s interests in mind. Quite the opposite. I’m a very selfish person who doesn’t really give a damn about how others are doing, it’s just a pleasantry I extend in order to try and experience human connection in a way that I’ve never been used to. I’m not particularly bothered to ask about an individual’s day or evening unless it has something to do with me or a topic I’m already interested in. It’s narcissistic and conceited, but I know I’m not the only one who has to put a conscious effort into tolerance for people and their perpetual drama in general.

I don’t want everyone, that’s exhausting.

I want one, maybe two, high priority humans in my life to focus on, and between us the mutual agreement of partnership. I want a quality few instead of a meaningless many.

People who’s opinions and views I trust and respect. People who trust and respect me. I really don’t give a fuck unless it’s the way I want it. And there’s no reason for me to be ashamed of that.

All the political, social justice/radical bullshit and garbage that floods everyone’s subscription feeds, filling their heads with what they think is correct and incorrect is an empty hole I loath peeking into.

I just want my little slice of peaceful partial isolation with those I choose to bring along and protect within it. I’m the old retired man who seeks some silence from things that I don’t wish to concern myself with. A naive and idealistic concept in a seemingly humorless climate. Difficult to achieve when the people I choose to include in my life are so bothered by everyone else’s problems, especially when those are the traits I accidentally chose in them to attach myself to. Their loving and caring nature that pushes them and their despair towards rallying into complications.

All of that in mind, I need to cope.

The fresh horror and trauma I experienced has left my personality a bit tepid.

Tainted with disingenuous behaviors like forced thoughtless social laughing, and a seeming lack of my own opinions and views leaving me displaying an airheaded character suit who’s slot I highly dislike filling, temporary as it may be.

So what. I just wanted to post this picture of myself. Sue me.