#ikkii

so he has to cut all contact - not that there was any at that point but now he can’t even say his damn name - and people say the deserter, the traitor in the same way they used to say the admiral, the prodigy and piandao knows how much jj hated being called that. so sometimes when he’s alone and sure that no one can hear him, he just says his name aloud, because jj was always so much more than what people said about him and he’s still convinced that he had to have had a reason for doing what he did.

i think there isn’t that much anger there, not really, at least not past the initial stages and u kno, when it happens sometimes. the primary feelings are more of a confusion, and just. sadness. bc he knows that what they had was real and he doesn’t understand why jj didn’t say anything. and he can’t really...talk to anyone abt it (except lee but lee’s only one person and piandao’s like. im not gonna dump all of this on him)

and the real kicker is...jj did it to keep piandao safe, bc he knows that if he said anything piandao would’ve been right there next to him and he doesn’t want to put him in that situation. bc he knows that in any plausible situation he’ll be running for the rest of his life and he doesn’t want that over piandao’s head bc piandao had nothing to do with jj’s own mistakes and shouldn’t pay the price for his decisions. but he’s fully aware that he’s also hurting him by doing it this way and it just feeds into the circle of self-hate and gah my boy is having a bad time of it indeed.

maybe. after piandao finishes his mandatory service and isn’t tied to the military anymore he goes looking. think roadtrip...but Depressing. and there are Two (2) angst options here and i shall discuss both bc you gave me a platform and gdi i will Use It

so 1. he doesn’t find him. anywhere. it’s like he’s disappeared and somehow it’s worse than him being dead bc he just doesn’t know anything. he starts sending letters again now, maybe under a fake name so people don’t catch onto his identity, but still no response. and he locks himself up in his villa and he’s doing what he dreamed of, just vibing and making swords, but he isn’t happy there, not really.

and 2. he actually finds him; look if the gaang could do it so could he, he’s one of the few competent adults in the show. and when he does find him he looks so different like his hair’s gone all the way white (literally at what. 29?) and instead of his fun cloaks and tunics he just has his drab hermit outfit and he carries himself differently, like his admiral bearing but also Not At All. and it’s abundantly clear that his relationship with his bending is different he doesn’t fidget with flames anymore and it’s like he’s wound up all the time with the effort of keeping them back (bc i made him so connected to his bending in sfaf and i regret that bc it’s so depressing now)

and jj’s like what the FUCK are you doing here, you can’t be here you can’t be seen with me get out get out (a la aang but worse) and piandao’s like please...i just want to talk. and jj lashes out and gdi he’s still powerful and piandao’s never been scared of him, not really, but he thinks he might be right now. but he wouldn’t hurt him, would he? so he reaches out anyway but jj does burn him (like aang did katara), and screams for him to get out. and he leaves. because what else is there to do? (and that’s why the clearing in the deserter looks like that...bc jj burned the whole thing to the ground....)

and while piandao is thinking the above jj is in Conflicted Town because seeing him is a reminder of a version of himself that no longer exists and that he has very conflicted feelings about - was relatively happy, and successful, and had at least one person who cared about him, but also had approximately -2 perspective on life as well as the harm he caused to other people. he still feels astronomical levels of guilt for leaving him behind without saying anything but now they’re in the same room again and he can’t quite remember why he hadn’t at least written because that’s still the guy he spent a summer falling in love with and years writing to and now years missing and what is happening.

that first meeting is very awkward for both of them for obvious reasons. they keep kinda Looking at each other across the tent but refuse to engage and everyone else is like ????? and it keeps on being awkward honestly bc they aren’t sure how to act around each other anymore - they’re both convinced that the other one has moved on already and doesn’t want to be the first to initiate. 

the other members pick up on it and one time they scheme to leave them alone in the tent and it is just so gd awkward. and piandao keeps trying to reach out and make small talk or whatever and he gets monosyllables in return. but jj doesn’t break eye contact the entire time and eventually piandao snaps and is like “why are you looking at me like that” bc it’s so much like when jj would just sit and stare at him back when they were together and he would like to not think about that thanks. and jj just keeps looking at him, and doesn’t say a word. until in the smallest voice he just says “i’m sorry.”

and piandao’s just utterly taken aback because what? he’s never know jj to apologize for anything. and like an idiot he’s like “what?”

and jj jumps to his feet (and if he’d still been bending probably would’ve set sth on fire) and goes “i’m fucking sorry, okay? but i had to leave. i was just trying to protect you. you didn’t need to pay for my mistakes.” and there are so many things wrong with that but piandao knows that that’s not what he needs to be saying right now. so once he’s processed he just gets up and goes around the table and hugs him. and says “i forgive you” because he wasn’t angry and now that he knows this is what jj thinks he just wants so much for him to know that piandao doesn’t blame him for it at all. it takes a moment but jj basically collapses on him and it’s part relief and part ‘what do you mean it can’t be that easy’ but maybe there’s still hope. maybe there’s one thing that he hasn’t ruined.