#iimono

iida 1:55 AM

Hello.

monoma 1:57 AM

.. how are you

iida 1:58 AM

I'm alright. How about you? How are you feeling right now?

monoma 2:01 AM

pissed off tbh

not at you though

just the... mystery stuff again.

not just that but also everyone else that seems to be jumping on it... I don't know how much you've been following

You're not in the chat a lot anymore.

iida 2:03 AM

I try to stay away from Mystery as much as possible. For my own good.

The chat got too hectic for me to handle. I think the teachers do a better job than I do, anyway...

Plus it isn't exactly welcoming...

monoma 2:03 AM

It's not. It's literally just fighting all the time.

Plus it's bugged anyway.

But it has its uses...

iida 2:04 AM

Bugged?

monoma 2:05 AM

There's "a wolf among us"

Like a traitor, or probably just someone who hacked in and is looking

idk

Kendou 2:06 AM

(from Monoma's phone) Oh c dzfy tgc I am not sure hgfdsxb l of the fffffffffffffffffffffffff shhh y

2

2

iida 2:06 AM

....

monoma 2:06 AM

DAMN IT

SORRY

That was Kendou

She's a baby right now.

A baby that's about to get locked in a closet--

iida 2:07 AM

Oh--Did she get hit by the same quirk you were hit with as well?

monoma2:08 AM

I think so. Can't remember anything, she's the same age too.

Lot to handle... kind of fun though.

Anyway,,

... idk. A lot has been happening and I feel like I haven't gotten the chance to see you and

I miss you... 

I kind of just felt like saying that

iida 2:10 AM

I miss you as well.

I've been lonely.

monoma 2:10 AM

... I'm sorry

If I'd known that, I would've been there..

I mean, I still can be, obviously...

... After Kendou is back to normal

iida 2:12 AM

Focus on taking care of Kendou-san first. Take a lot of pictures while you can.

...Like I did.

monoma 2:13 AM

[Sends a selfie of himself and Kendou. They're forming a heart together with their joined hands.]

I am.

You never showed me all of the pictures. >:(

iida 2:14 AM

That is absolutely adorable.

monoma 2:15 AM

Ehehehe

iida  2:15 AM

I'd like to keep those pictures for myself!!

monoma 2:15 AM

Wh-WHY

I mean, that's fine...pff

I miss you a lot

iida 2:16 AM

Hopefully when things settle down, we can talk properly.

monoma 2:18 AM

Talk properly or... "talk properly."

That thing we keep not doing.

I'm starting to get afraid we're never gonna get a chance to do that, haha..

iida 2:21 AM

....

monoma 2:21 AM

...sorry

iida 2:21 AM

Well. If even if we don't talk, I suppose that is alright. 

There is no immediate need for any clarity anyway.

monoma 2:23 AM

I guess

can i say something

actually two somethings

iida 2:24 AM

Sure.

monoma 2:25 AM

I love you

a lot

and I hate the messages I'm getting... and you're getting

because I looked at them a lil a few minutes ago

and, y'know, I have... bad experience with, uh, messages...and it fucking sucks seeing all these strangers just kind of

ugh

likethe whole obsessing thing and acting like they love you when they don't

iida 2:28 AM

... It is a bit disturbing.

But you do know you are the only one I have my eyes on, right?

monoma 2:32 AM

Yeah...

...

I wasn't worried about that

idk

I do love you and

I know I've been saying this already but

I do wanna get better in showing that

and prove all them wrong... because they are wrong

and it's not like I think you believe them or anything, it just got to me. Because they don't know anything but they act like they do and

I'm rambling idk if any of this makes sense

iida 2:34 AM

It does make sense.

monoma 2:34 AM

I love you

iida 2:35 AM

...It's not necessary to explain yourself to me... 

Actions do speak louder than words do, after all.

monoma 2:36 AM

Yeah and I act shitty. Which is why I wanna say it...

iida 2:37 AM

Hmm.

monoma 2:37 AM

...

... I know you believe me. Or I hope so. I guess I'm just afraid of the day you decide you don't anymore

iida 2:38 AM

If the day ever comes, I know you will be alright.

You are very loved, after all.

As you should be.

monoma 2:38 AM

I wouldnt be

iida 2:41 AM

If I may be honest, this road that is laden with uncertainties does not excite me at all. Perhaps this may all be for nothing. Or it could end in both of us going down in flames. No matter how it ends, though, you will always hold a special place in my heart. At the very least, that cannot be taken away from me.

monoma 2:41 AM

... mine too

... that was gonna be the second something

except now i dont wanna say it lol

iida 2:43 AM

I hope you come to understand yourself and your emotions and be happy someday, Monoma-kun. Even if it isn't with me.

monoma 2:45 AM

I don't want to be happy without you

iida 2:47 AM

You may have to learn to do so.

monoma 2:50 AM

I don't want to though.

iida 2:52 AM

You may fall in love with someone else. Someone better. And you will be able to be happy without me. I do not think you needed me to be happy in the first place-- you are whole with or without me by your side.

I want you to remember that.

monoma 2:59 AM

... okay

iida  3:01 AM

Alright.

monoma 3:03 AM

... can i say my second something now

or should i just drop it

iida 3:10 AM

Just say it. If it's that important.

monoma 3:16 AM

[Sends a picture of a sleeping Kendou tucked into her bed.]

I got her to sleep

... Anyway

...

Okay. I'm really, really sorry that it's... been so hard with me. And I'm really trying. I try harder every day and it's really hard

And it.

...I'm really grateful that you're patient with me but

idk I wish you'd lose your patience with me more

or idk,

you tell me stuff is okay and then I believe you and then shit builds up and I can sense that but then you keep saying it's okay and then I fuck up and that's when you tell me anything

but anything between and I don't really know how you're feeling as much and idk, I feel like you're always taking care of me and I'm always trying to take care of myself but I don't get to try and take care of you

And idk if its because you feel like I don't have the right to or if you feel like I honestly cant or

or if it's because I make it too hard to

... idk what I'm saying really. I think I just feel like a burden on you constantly and there's nothing I can do about it

and I want to help you but maybe I just keep trying to look for ways to help you that aren't the ones you asked for

Ugh

I'm sorry

I want to be honest with you

iida  3:52 AM

Monoma-kun, the reason why I try to be as understanding as I can is because I feel like you need that support. People cannot always be at their best and that is alright. I don't expect you to help me in return nor do I think you are obligated to. I help you because I want to. I just need to understand the reasons behind some of your actions. I am alright enough to deal with my own emotions. And while I am still alright, I'd like to help you take steps to being alright, too.

But I cannot do that if you don't communicate with me.

monoma 4:27 AM

... okay

iida 4:39 AM

If there is something you want, I need you to tell me. 

What do you want me to do? What do you want us to be? 

Because I have been trying to read between these lines you draw but I cannot understand.

monoma 5:40 AM

... Can you list what you don't understand maybe

It'll help

sorry

I wanna answer these questions now but also idk

iida  6:03 AM

... Well.

I don't understand what you want us to be.

We have mutual feelings for each other-- we've established that. But then you go off and kiss one of my best friends before talking to me about anything.

You don't owe me an explanation, we aren't in a relationship, but, it does.. hurt. It confuses me still. And if there weren't other pressing matters I would still be upset.

monoma 6:10 AM

...

it's not like I planned that... He was the one that kissed me first and...

I mean, I assumed he would've told you this by now

And I know it's still largely my fault and I'm sorry about that but like

...idk

I get... swept up... I don't think about it

when it's happening, anyway

And I don't feel anything about it, I mean. I don't feel... anything for Midoriya

Kind of the point sometimes is just not feeling anything at all tbh

I do want... us.  though.... 

(I'd feel weird actually talking about us through text though..)

iida 6:40 AM

Do you want "us" because you legitimately do, or because you are lonely?

Sorry, that is a bit too heavy to ask over text.

I am just.

Wondering.

And I am never brave enough to ask you face to face anyway.

monoma 6:41 AM

Oh

Legitimately.

I never really got lonely until after we started spending time together

iida 6:45 AM

Ah.

Alright.

There's still a few things I don't understand, but, I think this is a conversation we should have in person.

Hopefully with no distractions.

monoma 6:47 AM

... Hopefully

iida  6:47 AM

It's very late.. We should get rest.

monoma  6:47 AM

Yeah

This was good I think...haha

iida 6:50 AM

It was.

monoma 6:59 AM

Goodnight then.

iida 7:00 AM

Good night, Monoma-kun. Sleep well.

monoma 7:12 AM

i mean, this is of course after a shitload of avoidance first. they love actually avoiding talking to each other despite how committed they both are to the act of talking. and, it’s not like they don’t talk ever...! like, when you see their conversations, they both actually clearly express a LOT, but it’s all... such surface things. it doesn’t cost them nearly as much, in a way... OR they’ve only been pushed past the brink and are too overwhelmed to let their normal guards keep them from saying things, but it’s only ever one thing.

they both also use physical intimacy as a shield... a Lot. it’s what bridges them together, it’s what bypasses what they’re thinking, it’s how they express how they feel to each other... but it’s also really clear that it’s something they both kind of fling forward and hide behind or slap over their problems so that they can be okay again. 

which...! i think is why the text convo went as well as it did. because they couldn’t suddenly lunge at each other and shove this conversation aside. because they ARE communicating, but they’re doing it in such teeny tiny steps every time, so it’s nice to have a moment where suddenly they lurch closer to each other.

and here’s the thing:

iida and monoma are both incredibly emotionally repressed people, based on their upbringings. they both express it in EXTREMELY different ways. and they conflict on each other... far too much

to put it frankly, iida’s emotions tend to be more of a slow-motion crash throughout a long span of time, while monoma just has short bursts of overwhelming self-destruction.. so that’s ONE factor

they both also have a bad habit of compartmentalizing, but while iida does that for his emotions, monoma does it more for his actions. HOWEVER, iida puts far more stock and care and focus into monoma’s actions, while monoma is increasingly trying to divert all his attention to iida’s emotions

so.

what keeps happening:

is that iida asks for communication, meaning, he wants action, from monoma, who tends to be very indecisive and impulsive about his actions when he’s more emotionally invested in them, and who doesn’t quite understand that his actions with other people have more stock to iida than it does to himself

BUT ALSO monoma asks for communication, meaning, he wants vulnerability, from iida, who tends to... quite frankly, absolutely refuse to admit what’s wrong after a certain point and isn’t nearly as willing to be emotionally open, and who doesn’t quite understand that his unwillingness to share his burdens with monoma more is actually making monoma want to shut himself out

and tbh that’s just because they’re both kind of... projecting, just a tad, onto each other? or, wanting from each other what they expect out of themselves. monoma, when he emotes, emotes loudly, messily, completely honestly, because he can’t help it. and because he can’t help it, he needs iida to do the same, so that he can feel Equal, rather than iida’s responsibility that’s just dragging them down. 

but iida tends to just go straight to the rational, he just wants the logistical solution. he wants answers to questions. he wants to achieve something and move forward and, yes, emotions are important, yes, very good, they’ll be taken care of, but what are the steps to fixing this how do we proceed how do we go from A to B

so, as you can see, communicating is difficult, because, both of their emotional languages are so different. and also, they’re both at different steps at even being able to identify their emotions. iida kind of has the advantage, but also, he’s constantly distancing himself and trying to downplay them and be numb to them... monoma feels a lot but he has no words for WHAT he’s feeling because all he knows is that it’s So Much All At Once and he needs the time to sit and sort it out, which he never gets

so, iida will ask a question, and monoma responds in a big ramble because he’s thinking through and analyzing his own emotions that lead to what sparked the question, and, that’s his answer...! and iida gets frustrated because that answer DOESN’T satisfy his question,,,, and monoma gets frustrated because THAT answer took him like!!!! five breakdowns and WEEKs to even approach!!!