Monoma presses his forehead to the wood, one hand pressed to the door, the other wrapped around the golden knob that never quite got fixed on right. He's on the brink of panicking and he can feel it, in his chest, in his stomach, in his mouth as the phantom taste of blood builds up and up as he bites down hard on the inside of his cheek.
It's not enough to just want them to be okay. They're past that at this point. His terror overwhelms any thoughts of what transpired before now. All he wants- all he needs is to know if Iida is okay- okay, and still his.
After gulping down a few more breaths, he almost makes to open the door-- when he stops. He shouldn't assume, especially with the seemingly omniscient threat looming over their heads. Especially with Iida's earlier coldness... It's far too likely that he wouldn't be welcome, or that he'd be intruding...
So, slowly, he gives his door a few hesitant knocks. "Iida-kun," he calls out shakily. "It's me. I... if you don't-- ... I don't have to come in, if you don't want me to. I-I can go..”
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Monoma could barely believe it. Literally the day before, he had wandered through the building, marveling at how comfortable he was, how-... he wouldn’t dare say he felt “at home”, but, something very close to it...
... And now...
His skin seemed to burn as he went to Midoriya’s room. No one had found out yet, judging by the lack of people coming after him, but it still felt like he had eyes watching him from every angle. Judging him. Hating him. He deserved it, after all...
He stopped in front of the door, swallowing down his self-hate for a moment before he gathered the strength to knock on the door, hoping he would let him in quick before he was seen.
I'm alright. How about you? How are you feeling right now?
monoma 2:01 AM
pissed off tbh
not at you though
just the... mystery stuff again.
not just that but also everyone else that seems to be jumping on it... I don't know how much you've been following
You're not in the chat a lot anymore.
iida 2:03 AM
I try to stay away from Mystery as much as possible. For my own good.
The chat got too hectic for me to handle. I think the teachers do a better job than I do, anyway...
Plus it isn't exactly welcoming...
monoma 2:03 AM
It's not. It's literally just fighting all the time.
Plus it's bugged anyway.
But it has its uses...
iida 2:04 AM
Bugged?
monoma 2:05 AM
There's "a wolf among us"
Like a traitor, or probably just someone who hacked in and is looking
idk
Kendou 2:06 AM
(from Monoma's phone) Oh c dzfy tgc I am not sure hgfdsxb l of the fffffffffffffffffffffffff shhh y
2
2
iida 2:06 AM
....
monoma 2:06 AM
DAMN IT
SORRY
That was Kendou
She's a baby right now.
A baby that's about to get locked in a closet--
iida 2:07 AM
Oh--Did she get hit by the same quirk you were hit with as well?
monoma2:08 AM
I think so. Can't remember anything, she's the same age too.
Lot to handle... kind of fun though.
Anyway,,
... idk. A lot has been happening and I feel like I haven't gotten the chance to see you and
I miss you...
I kind of just felt like saying that
iida 2:10 AM
I miss you as well.
I've been lonely.
monoma 2:10 AM
... I'm sorry
If I'd known that, I would've been there..
I mean, I still can be, obviously...
... After Kendou is back to normal
iida 2:12 AM
Focus on taking care of Kendou-san first. Take a lot of pictures while you can.
...Like I did.
monoma 2:13 AM
[Sends a selfie of himself and Kendou. They're forming a heart together with their joined hands.]
I am.
You never showed me all of the pictures. >:(
iida 2:14 AM
That is absolutely adorable.
monoma 2:15 AM
Ehehehe
iida 2:15 AM
I'd like to keep those pictures for myself!!
monoma 2:15 AM
Wh-WHY
I mean, that's fine...pff
I miss you a lot
iida 2:16 AM
Hopefully when things settle down, we can talk properly.
monoma 2:18 AM
Talk properly or... "talk properly."
That thing we keep not doing.
I'm starting to get afraid we're never gonna get a chance to do that, haha..
iida 2:21 AM
....
monoma 2:21 AM
...sorry
iida 2:21 AM
Well. If even if we don't talk, I suppose that is alright.
There is no immediate need for any clarity anyway.
monoma 2:23 AM
I guess
can i say something
actually two somethings
iida 2:24 AM
Sure.
monoma 2:25 AM
I love you
a lot
and I hate the messages I'm getting... and you're getting
because I looked at them a lil a few minutes ago
and, y'know, I have... bad experience with, uh, messages...and it fucking sucks seeing all these strangers just kind of
ugh
likethe whole obsessing thing and acting like they love you when they don't
iida 2:28 AM
... It is a bit disturbing.
But you do know you are the only one I have my eyes on, right?
monoma 2:32 AM
Yeah...
...
I wasn't worried about that
idk
I do love you and
I know I've been saying this already but
I do wanna get better in showing that
and prove all them wrong... because they are wrong
and it's not like I think you believe them or anything, it just got to me. Because they don't know anything but they act like they do and
I'm rambling idk if any of this makes sense
iida 2:34 AM
It does make sense.
monoma 2:34 AM
I love you
iida 2:35 AM
...It's not necessary to explain yourself to me...
Actions do speak louder than words do, after all.
monoma 2:36 AM
Yeah and I act shitty. Which is why I wanna say it...
iida 2:37 AM
Hmm.
monoma 2:37 AM
...
... I know you believe me. Or I hope so. I guess I'm just afraid of the day you decide you don't anymore
iida 2:38 AM
If the day ever comes, I know you will be alright.
You are very loved, after all.
As you should be.
monoma 2:38 AM
I wouldnt be
iida 2:41 AM
If I may be honest, this road that is laden with uncertainties does not excite me at all. Perhaps this may all be for nothing. Or it could end in both of us going down in flames. No matter how it ends, though, you will always hold a special place in my heart. At the very least, that cannot be taken away from me.
monoma 2:41 AM
... mine too
... that was gonna be the second something
except now i dont wanna say it lol
iida 2:43 AM
I hope you come to understand yourself and your emotions and be happy someday, Monoma-kun. Even if it isn't with me.
monoma 2:45 AM
I don't want to be happy without you
iida 2:47 AM
You may have to learn to do so.
monoma 2:50 AM
I don't want to though.
iida 2:52 AM
You may fall in love with someone else. Someone better. And you will be able to be happy without me. I do not think you needed me to be happy in the first place-- you are whole with or without me by your side.
I want you to remember that.
monoma 2:59 AM
... okay
iida 3:01 AM
Alright.
monoma 3:03 AM
... can i say my second something now
or should i just drop it
iida 3:10 AM
Just say it. If it's that important.
monoma 3:16 AM
[Sends a picture of a sleeping Kendou tucked into her bed.]
I got her to sleep
... Anyway
...
Okay. I'm really, really sorry that it's... been so hard with me. And I'm really trying. I try harder every day and it's really hard
And it.
...I'm really grateful that you're patient with me but
idk I wish you'd lose your patience with me more
or idk,
you tell me stuff is okay and then I believe you and then shit builds up and I can sense that but then you keep saying it's okay and then I fuck up and that's when you tell me anything
but anything between and I don't really know how you're feeling as much and idk, I feel like you're always taking care of me and I'm always trying to take care of myself but I don't get to try and take care of you
And idk if its because you feel like I don't have the right to or if you feel like I honestly cant or
or if it's because I make it too hard to
... idk what I'm saying really. I think I just feel like a burden on you constantly and there's nothing I can do about it
and I want to help you but maybe I just keep trying to look for ways to help you that aren't the ones you asked for
Ugh
I'm sorry
I want to be honest with you
iida 3:52 AM
Monoma-kun, the reason why I try to be as understanding as I can is because I feel like you need that support. People cannot always be at their best and that is alright. I don't expect you to help me in return nor do I think you are obligated to. I help you because I want to. I just need to understand the reasons behind some of your actions. I am alright enough to deal with my own emotions. And while I am still alright, I'd like to help you take steps to being alright, too.
But I cannot do that if you don't communicate with me.
monoma 4:27 AM
... okay
iida 4:39 AM
If there is something you want, I need you to tell me.
What do you want me to do? What do you want us to be?
Because I have been trying to read between these lines you draw but I cannot understand.
monoma 5:40 AM
... Can you list what you don't understand maybe
It'll help
sorry
I wanna answer these questions now but also idk
iida 6:03 AM
... Well.
I don't understand what you want us to be.
We have mutual feelings for each other-- we've established that. But then you go off and kiss one of my best friends before talking to me about anything.
You don't owe me an explanation, we aren't in a relationship, but, it does.. hurt. It confuses me still. And if there weren't other pressing matters I would still be upset.
monoma 6:10 AM
...
it's not like I planned that... He was the one that kissed me first and...
I mean, I assumed he would've told you this by now
And I know it's still largely my fault and I'm sorry about that but like
...idk
I get... swept up... I don't think about it
when it's happening, anyway
And I don't feel anything about it, I mean. I don't feel... anything for Midoriya
Kind of the point sometimes is just not feeling anything at all tbh
I do want... us. though....
(I'd feel weird actually talking about us through text though..)
iida 6:40 AM
Do you want "us" because you legitimately do, or because you are lonely?
Sorry, that is a bit too heavy to ask over text.
I am just.
Wondering.
And I am never brave enough to ask you face to face anyway.
monoma 6:41 AM
Oh
Legitimately.
I never really got lonely until after we started spending time together
iida 6:45 AM
Ah.
Alright.
There's still a few things I don't understand, but, I think this is a conversation we should have in person.
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Well... Look, I saw your post earlier so... that's why I suggested you just come over here.
You seem like you don't want to be in your room alone rn
monoma
...they.
they knew about a dream i had
Kaminari Denki
Also I can trust you to be... platonic about it
monoma
i think im being paranoid they could've easily just assumed it or whatever but it was too...
what they said was too close to the reality of it
Kaminari Denki
And you never talked about it with anyone?
monoma
... i made a post about it
but it was vague
idk
i think i'm reading too much into it
Kaminari Denki
I mean, I wouldn't blame you for it.
Maybe I'm being paranoid about this, but really.
This is.... really unsettling me.
monoma
yeah..
Kaminari Denki
Can I... ask you something? Just.. one of the things that mystery person said that's sticking with me.
monoma
what
Kaminari Denki
It's just... they were talking about the people who are spiraling around me -- not like I've not noticed that happening with some people-- and... how they were going to just... spiral into the dark. And take me with them if I let them.
Wouldn't happen to have any insight on that, would you?
monoma
,
is there. any chance you can elaborate
on what you. or them. might mean by that
i mean, what are you implying
Kaminari Denki
Would you consider it outside the realm of possibility that I might be worried about you, among others?
I'm just... look one of the comments reminded me of all those times we really had it out arguing.
And that time I said that I'd want to save you if something happened to you.
Btw, I'm probably going to have a similar conversation with Sen at some point, just cos it wouldn't be the first time I've worried about him
monoma
okay
idk
so are you asking if i'm okay or are you asking if i'm seconds from going off the deep end
Kaminari Denki
Mostly the first one. And I wouldn't say deep end but... I just know that sometimes you get piled on, and that probably feels... isolating. I mean, hell, the villain also implied someone might get kidnapped or something so... there's just... a handful of people I'm nervous about losing. One way or another.
monoma
ah
no i'm not okay
Kaminari Denki
I... don't suppose you feel up to elaborating?
monoma
i am. very not okay
scale of 1 to 10 it's a -1000
Kaminari Denki
Jeez.
The hell's going on?
monoma
stuff
Kaminari Denki
Yes, I gathered that. Well... if you'd like to be around someone, even if it's just not talking.... offer stands. I'm trying to distract myself by finishing my math homework, which is saying something.
monoma
thanks
idk
...
do you know how iida's been doing
he was targeted to, right......idk
Kaminari Denki
Yeah, he was... this person seems to be attacking in very purposeful pairs...
Do... you want me to check on him?
monoma
...
i want to see him
i just dont feel like i'm allowed to rn
idk
Kaminari Denki
I suppose you'd feel much better if you could actually see him... when was the last time you talked with him?
You dodged a bullet yesterday, huh? Don't worry. One day the blood on your hands will be real. Your nightmares will be realized. And it will feel just as bad as you fear it will be. ... Worse, even. ✨
