#if nothing else

I wasn't sure why but I always struggled to play it. I chalked it up to having short fingers or not practicing enough but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't play without looking at my hands and even then they would sometimes do something wrong, which meant I struggled massively with learning new music from my piano teacher. It didn't help that she frequently insulted my playstyle.

When I graduated primary school I paused playing for a while. The free music lessons stopped and even when I tried to learn afterwards, my hands never really listened to me. I decided to go to lessons again in January of 2020. Those lessons lasted 3 months.

I stopped playing properly for a long time. I would sometimes try to play a tune or two when nobody else was in the house but I could never make it work. I hated the thought of someone else hearing my horrifically out of tune playing. Plus, I never seemed to hit the right keys. When my parents moved house they sold the grand piano.

5 years ago I started noticing chronic pain in my knees. As time went on I realised that it wasn't just my knees, its all my limbs. Just over 3 years ago, my parents found a shockingly cheap yamaha keyboard in a charity shop. They bought it for me because my mum told me she missed me playing. I sat down and plugged it in and tried to play but I just couldn't. It was like my fingers didn't know how to move

I kept trying on and off to play again, but I kept encountering the same problem I had all those years ago in primary school. My body follows vague instructions, its so hard to get my hands to listen to me so precisely.

Just over a year ago Deltarune chapters 3 and 4 released. I've played every chapter on release day since October 31st 2018. I hadn't played Undertale in 2018, I just happened upon someone talking about this new weird survey program some game dev had released a few hours earlier so I downloaded it. I loved it. I still do. Its been an important part of my life for a long time

In October last year I sat down and learned Don't Forget. I played it well. I played it so well, in fact, that every time I've sat down to play it since, its been worse.

In March of this year I came to terms with the fact that I most likely have dyspraxia, after helping a dyspraxic friend learn how to fence. A variety of developmental disorders run in my family, I'm the only living descendant of my grandfather who doesn't have dyslexia, and one of many with autism. Throughout my life I thought I'd gotten off scott free, at least compared to direct relatives. Turns out I was wrong

I'm not sure if I can explain what its like to have dyspraxia without knowing for most of your life. Most of my hobbies have been dexterity and motor skills based. I love to fence, to draw, to tinker with all sorts of objects. I love taking things apart. There's something vaguely dehumanizing about following the exact same instructions as everyone around you, learning the exact same things, and just simply. Not doing it. No matter how hard you try

I really want to play the piano. I love music, I love making it, there's something that scratches my brain with rhythm games and tapping in tube and all these other things that lets me participate in sounds. I've noticed I do a lot better with audio cues than visual cues.