@idjaewon at chuseok special, rehearsal for their stage

the more aroon thinks about it the more he realizes this would happen sooner or later, midas throwing him and jaewon together at any opportunity. he doesn’t know if this is a punishment to jaewon, a way for midas to tell him that he will play the sunbae role he wanting it or not – aroon knows he doesn’t – and if this is a show of appreciation for aroon. jingyi should be doing this stage, he thinks, he is the main rapper on titanium, not aroon and his lead position.

but jingyi was not the one to rank first between the boys on pro.j or to be named a prince by the fans. aroon was. and it’s weird, to think this sense of pride over such frugal things, to still think he has to be better than jingyi at any opportunity when their relationship has changed so much over the past few weeks. but aroon is greedy and in need of the recognition, so he rolls with it, pushes whatever ugly feelings to the back of his mind and makes his way to the stage to meet jaewon.

there he is, like always looking like he wants to be anywhere but there. aroon wonders if jaewon was once like him, hungry to perform, desperate to be on the stage no matter at what capacity, wonders if he will turn into jaewon, bitter and tired and empty after the industry has taken everything from him. it’s a very miserable existence, he thinks, but somehow this sad poet vibe fits jaewon, makes him look beautiful in the morning sun, like a character plucked from a movie.

aroon doesn’t feel nervous per se, not anymore, it’s more the feeling of not knowing what to expect. he likes the titanium members because they are familiar, he always knows how they will react to his words, knows their gestures and looks and can read them easily. jaewon is a mystery he hasn’t cracked yet. yet.

Schedule: Backstage after concert no. 2 on Saturday September 2018.

ft. @idjaewon

Along with bone crushing exhaustion came weakness one would find hard to fight. Pulling on Sungyeol’s tongue despite the shadows around him that he usually avoided. Making him smile at the presence next to him that seemed just as feeble and worn out as he did. 

Reliability was a dangerous game, especially when ignited by encouragement of a half-working brain.

“Nice solo performance you put on,” head rolling against the wall it rested against, Jaewon came to his vision. “Not as good as the original, but at least no one can comment Olympus doesn’t have decent rappers.” They haven’t talked like civilized people do for a while, sharp remarks shared between them more often than a respectful silence. That’s what happens when two people fall out but are still kept within close proximity from one another. Friction ignites flames. Next thing you know you’ve got yourself a wildfire. 

It was strange, to muster an almost compliment directed at the rapper of Olympus instead of picking at any details that might fuel a petty bark or two. At the same time, it didn’t feel completely unfamiliar. Because despite the wrath Sungyeol might have felt towards Jaewon for at least five years and counting, there was a time they were friends. Bought together by similarities in character and puzzle piece humor, falling out as soon as one character deviated from the norm. 

For the last time frame that was vivid enough to linger in Sungyeol’s mind, the bickering had ceased. Maybe it wasn’t a positive sign or an ever louder allude to a friendship, maybe both of them were simply growing bored of the routine commentary. Maybe even tired of the same chain of words and delivered messages. Yet, in a moment of exhaustion, Sungyeol’s tongue was sanded into an object rounder than a knife. Defenses down, he allowed himself to sink into familiarity.

detail your character training/practicing (rap) with @idjaewon at midas studio

when aroon decided to become an idol he had one idea in mind: to stay away from problems, to run away from things ( person ) that he would rather avoid than face. it worked in his mind, he would go to a new country, make a new life for himself, work hard and debut. and it worked in the beginning, or at least for six years. he moved, he worked hard, he focused on his training, became a model trainee ( he would be the employee of the month if midas worked like that ) and then he debuted.

but the problems followed him because of course they did.

he didn’t forget about all the things that happened back in la, of course he didn’t, but he decided to avoid anything to do with it and there is nothing aroon is better at than pretending something didn’t happen.

except he is told he should go talk to jaewon, show him some of his lyrics and aroon is left speechless because a) he knows how midas works and it’s not like he has any chance of seeing his work make it to the titanium discography in the near future and b) jaewon, really? he would rather deal with san at this point.

at least he didn’t kiss san, how embarrassing that would be. aroon shivers at the thought.

but jaewon may or may not know a thing or two about writing and could actually help him, maybe, who knows. and now that aroon looks at the big picture of all the embarrassing moments he went through kissing jaewon is not the worse that could happen to him. he doesn’t have to promote with jaewon, doesn’t have to live in the same dorm as jaewon and it certainly wasn’t jaewon who left those marks on his neck. they are a purple-ish-turning-yellow color now that needs too much bb cream and no matter what aroon wears can’t be hidden. 

so aroon accepts his fate and makes his way to the studio he was told jaewon is working at, considers what can possibly happen. jaewon make fun of him, sure, jaewon bully him, maybe. it’s a good thing he spent six years training with dax and his habit of talking shit, at least he won’t end up crying.

@idjaewon

the kang family has always boasted a lot of things, subtly of course. his heritage has been a deadly game, sometimes turning violent thanks to his father’s infamous temper; a secret that never leaves the household. a police officer, a well respected member of his community, his father was the picture of perfection and he demanded nothing less from both of his children, especially after the news of his wife had hit everyone hard. jeehyun had learned early on how to play, what words, what triggers to avoid in order not to fall victim to his father’s vicious wrath.

since a child, he’s always felt everything a bit too strongly, too deeply. his mother had loved that about him, had encouraged him in his habits, his thoughts. but his father on the other hand, had no want, no time for a child prone to outbursts. and so jaehyun learned to control it all, hiding everything behind a carefully placed smile that he made sure to reach his eyes. and so as the years wore on, the hardships in his life had tested him time and time again, his patience threatening to run thin until finally snapping. but he always managed to pull himself back from the cliff, from falling over the precipice. it wasn’t easy, but it was familiar. the feeling of wrangling himself back, slamming down those proverbial walls and just taking a few steps back and away, the fight fading out of him in an instance. it’s saved his life on more than a few occasions.

but even kang jaehyun has his limits.

and maybe it’s the combination of the stress, of the heartbreak he’s feeling at this moment. today was supposed to be a happy day, the moment his dreams came to fruition. he wants nothing more than to ignore everything else that’s happening around him, to pick and choose what he wants to deal with. but life doesn’t work like that and he’s learned that early on. the less than perfection interaction between san, the words that failed to come to him, to help him make san understand what’s going on inside his head. it’s left him feeling raw and so incredibly angry; to the point he’s seeing red.

with @idjaewon, at kcon after party

aroon has never been one of going to parties. back home he was too young and busy with other things, not wanting to be distracted from his path to become a perfect son and student and boyfriend. then things happened, he moved to seoul and became a trainee and his life was over. well, sort of. but his nights were full of training and practicing and dragging himself back to the dorm. he was tired all the time, wasting away his days and nights with one goal in mind: debut.

and now here he is, years after, goal accomplished only to start new ones. but first he can take some time to recover the moment he lost on his teen years. this all seem foreigner for him and aroon walks around without not knowing exactly what to do, but happy that he already lost the other titanium members. they already spend so much time together, now he needs some distance.

when he sees jaewon he doesn’t know if he should approach the older rapper or not, they are not exactly friends, are they? but having a word, saying hi and leaving before jaewon can get tired of him sounds like a good idea, so aroon goes with it.

jaewon makes him feel strange, like he’s a figure larger than life and aroon shouldn’t be in his presence, like he is a star in the sky and aroon is just someone looking at it from far, far away. it’s different from when he couldn’t stop looking at taekjo at the practice room, and it’s so much different from what jingyi makes him feel, like his insides are burning and making him lose all his cool.

kwon jaewon makes him feel cold.

@idjaewon, kcon, just after olympus’ stage ( event )

these days, it doesn’t take much to strike san up and into a flame of anger. something that burns ferocious, until it consumes all of the wood surrounding it, crumbles into a self-extinguishing mess of ash. highs and lows. that’s how san lives his life. an endless exhausting cycle. a cycle that’s only sped up when jaewon’s involved. double that when he’s pointedly trying to get underneath san’s skin. of course, right now? right now jaewon’s not actively trying. but he’s certainly succeeding with the way he half-lunged his way through the entirety of their kokobop performance. he’d at least tightened it up for a few of the other songs -- but san knows what he’s capable of. knows he’s at least better than that.

it’s annoying. annoying because san is still putting in too much effort. more than olympus deserves. more than midas deserves. but he still does it, and some incredibly defunct part of himself still expects the rest of his group to pull their weight too, despite how miserable they are. despite how much they hate each other. hate their comeback. it has him grinding his teeth together by the time they’re ushered offstage. twists fingers into the front of his own shirt and yanks in an effort to cool himself as he trails behind jaewon. only wipes the stupid smile from his face when they pass the dividers, the fans completely blocked. that’s when it warps into a glare that he pins to jaewon’s shoulder blades. 

though it’s not until they’re out of shot of the staff that san shoots out a strained-sounding “what the hell was that?” holds his ground when jaewon swivels to stare at him, and san already knows that he’s going to be wearing something like disdain, disgust. but at the moment san could give a fuck. he’s annoyed, and he’s done. done with jaewon existing. he wishes that he could wipe him free from his life. but that’s not how the world works. how it works is that jaewon still has a curious way of shoving san hard and into an anxiety attack if he catches him in the right mood. of pressing into all the right buttons, in a way that floods san with self doubt, self hate.  

@idjaewon, kokobop music show performance ( schedule prompt )

they’re backstage at the showtime. they’re halfway through getting styled, but most of them are still bleary-eyed. it’s too early, and they’re not set to perform last. but they all still need to be there, ready to perform. even if they’re all just shuffling their way through a dance and mostly lipsyncing. the showtime’s always been happy enough to play along with that particular request from midas. at this point, what does it matter to san? it’s less work for him. he’s tired. and he’s not labelled a vocalist either. he hardly has any lines despite the fact that he’s just finished up with solo promotions. 

his hair’s styled, bangs fluffed out. the purple’s been touched up since the music video recording. there’s makeup swept around his eyes. highlighter lining his cheeks, so that he’ll glow in the light. they paint them all up, it’s part of the game. everyone wears makeup. but not everyone has purple hair. something that jaewon seems to be continuously pleased to bring up at practices lately. if only because he know it annoys him. but dealing with jaewon’s hard. it’s always been hard.

for a brief, fleeting chunk of time san figured he grew up. moved on. was content to let their sub-par relationship dissolve into nothing. but they’re right back to where they were before. that same place that makes san feel like he’s stuck, stifled. an anger that builds, envelopes him. he ignores jaewon when he’s finished with styling and drops down next to him on the couch tucked away into the corner of the room. continues to scroll through his phone, keeps his eyes pointedly away from his group mate. they’ve never been close. san’s never wanted to be close. 

the only memories he has of jaewon are miserable ones.