#idaroon;

ft. @idaroon; coming to terms that it’s always them against the world.

he’s going to say it. 

he has to. he knew he was going to since the very first day that he came to terms with it. knew that he had to sit down, knew that he had to tell aroon, knew that he had to be as precise and concise as he could be.

naturally, it was scary at first. the realization, the initial thought of feeling so much more than just fraternal love for his best friend. he should’ve known, he should’ve known that so much blind love, so much adulation and so much devotion to him would lead to something more. he should’ve known that being this close for so many years now would lead to this. the days filled with laughs, the days filled with hyukjae cracking stupid jokes, the days filled with rehearsals, with sweat, with tears, with hyukjae almost crumbling down but with aroon holding him up. he should’ve known.

then there’s the nights, the late night chats from each other’s beds, talking about nonsense, sometimes with aroon remaining quiet as hyukjae rambled on and on and on about life, about anime, about video games, about whatever came to mind. he should’ve known that cuddling with his best friend after a nightmare would lead to this. he should’ve known that loving him with everything in him, with so much abandon at this point would lead to this.

and yet, he was clueless at first.

he should’ve known that kissing him for the first time wasn’t just a ‘thing friends do’, but it was his heart coming to terms with the simple fact: that he was in love with him. perhaps had been for years, perhaps had masked all of that with a friendship that wrapped both of them like a warm, cozy blanket at night. he should’ve known that feeling jealous about him sleeping with someone else was exactly just that: jealousy. it had nothing to do with wanting his friend to settle down with whoever, it had nothing to do with wanting his friend to just stay put and ‘behave’. it had everything to do with the fact he wanted to be the one to kiss him, to hold him, to protect him, to love him. 

and god, love him is everything he wants to do. so desperately, like there’s nothing else left for him to do in this world but to love aroon, to make up for all the lost time, for all the time hyukjae spent being completely unaware, completely clueless. he wants all of that, he wants him.

but that’s the problem.

aroon doesn’t want him. because if he did, he would’ve told him already, right? aroon had come to terms with himself, with who he was, he wasn’t confused like hyukjae was, he knew what he wanted in life, he knew what he liked. so, he would’ve told him, right? but he never did. always a friend in his eyes, hyukjae supposed. he can’t exactly blame him for that, right? how could he? guys aroon had been with had and were everything hyukjae wasn’t, and he? he convinced himself.

so here they are, in their room, silent falling between them after hyukjae had requested to have some words with him. things were still awkward, even after the brief moment of closeness they had shared the other night. but it was the same, always the same. even though the other 1nferno boys weren’t around, hyukjae still asked aroon if they could talk in their room, just because he didn’t want anyone to interrupt them.

“i’ve been thinking about this for weeks now. how to tell you, how to let you know.” he’s sitting on his bed, calming himself down, making sure not to stutter, “nothing seems to work in my head.” he tells him, slowly getting up, ending the distance between them as he stands in front of his best friend, “so i’m just going to tell you.” he stares at him for a couple of seconds, yet, it feels like some sort of eternity. this moment, this intimacy, all of his feelings swimming around his stomach, chest, arms, legs, brain, feeling dizzy all of the sudden. 

but he is confident. so he confesses.

ft. @idaroon; detail your characters practicing one of their secondary skills; lyric writing (+5/+5).

it’s dark. the lights are off, the curtains are closed. seokyung would even dare to say it was quiet if it wasn’t for aroon’s breathing, one that had gotten calmer and quieter in contrast to how erratic it had been just moments ago; when their bodies moved against each other, when they touched, kissed, and tasted. maybe his breathing could be heard too, but he didn’t perceive it, maybe because he was too focused on the man he was sharing this hotel bed with. it had to be. 

some other times they would be laughing, probably even already planning when to meet next time, you know, casualties. but they’re not. it’s quiet and if anyone knows seokyung, then they know he hates quiet. quiet makes people overthink. it makes people more emotional, it makes people... get in their heads. and the thing is: he knows why they’re quiet. it’s because aroon’s head really isn’t all here, he can only assume. 

sure, he loves when they fuck and he’s a pretty good fuck at that. but before all of that? he’s a friend, a close one. seokyung is aware of his life, of the most important aspects anyway. he knows aroon thinks too much lately, yet still gives himself to him ever so willingly. it feels great, it’s a bonus and it’s also the reason why he doesn’t pressure him to speak up, he doesn’t really press on the matter, he doesn’t want to bother him. which, honestly, it’s for the better; seokyung has never been good with words, especially when it comes to love. 

god, he hates love. but maybe because he can’t really have a relationship to save his life. he’s too selfish, too self-absorbed, too obsessed with himself. it never really ever works, so he’s not the best when it comes down to any of that. yet, he still shifts around to his side and looks at his friend. yes, they’re not a couple and there’s nothing romantic between them but it doesn’t mean he can’t admire how pretty he is, after all, that’s the reason why they got themselves into this.

ft. @idaroon at the sbs cafeteria; gayo daejun mid-rehearsals ~ pre-show.

Today was supposed to be an exciting day, just as any other day she had to go out there and perform. Yet, for some reason, despite all the good-happenings in her life, she felt way more nervous than usual; maybe because she was still trying to get used to all of this after her rough year.

Kind of pathetic, when you really think about it.

But Taehee knew she had to be patient with herself. She was really good at hiding how terrified and nervous she could be about something, so she obviously didn’t want to worry anyone with her nonsensical nerves. Not Heaven’s manager and certainly not her group mates. 

Rehearsal was great and it sure helped her feel a bit more confident, so it wasn’t like she could complain too much or heck, even worry about messing up. She had to remind herself that everything would be fine, she just needed to take a deep breath, drink something and... actually, eat something.

It was almost as if someone read her mind because before she could go find something to eat, a boy approached her nervously, as if intimidated with her presence. In his hands, he was holding a sandwich and with his eyes glued to the floor, he mumbled; “For you.”

“For me?” she raised an eyebrow. Before she could say anything else, the shy boy walked away, leaving her with a sandwich in her hands and... a lot of questions. Shaking her head, she sat back down again, shrugging as she gently unwrapped it, not wanting to ruin the packaging because she wanted to use it to hold it.

However, as soon as it was unwrapped, a small piece of paper sprung out of it, landing on the table. Reaching out for it, Taehee’s eyes widened as soon as she read the message. It was a phone number... and from...

“Aroon?” she questioned out loud, quickly realizing her mistake and pressing her lips tightly against each other. Well, that was surely unexpected! Especially because, of course, while she was familiar with the younger male, she didn’t expect something like this from him. It was... awkward.

She couldn’t entertain the idea, though. She was happily taken and although his gesture had been very adorable, she simply wasn’t interested. Taehee being Taehee, instead of ignoring it or whatever; she stood up and walked through the crowd of people until she spotted him. He seemed to be mid-convo with others, but she had no problem in politely interrupting their conversation, asking if she could have a minute to talk in private with him. 

ft. @idaroon; realization, change & a broken phone @ titanium’s dorm.

“listen to me, please listen to me. do you think i want to lose you too? do you think my heart would be able to take it? the pain? the feeling of knowing i have lost all of my children? i would never be able to deal with that hyukjae, i would never be able to live knowing that i lost the one son i’ve protected and sheltered with everything within me. please, please, please... i... i know i can’t be there but please i’m begging you to eat, to take your vitamins, to live your life normally. i don’t know what’s happening to you and what’s making you feel like this but jesus christ hyukjae, i’m your mother! you can call me and talk to me whenever you need someone! you have your friends, you have aroon.”

he flinches.

“you have your best friend there and i know you can trust him with your pain and whatever is making you feel like this. please, please i am begging you to talk this out with someone, if you don’t trust me then please... talk to someone about your problems hyukjae, talk, talk! i can’t stand knowing you’re in pain, i can’t stand knowing you’re hurt and i can’t stand knowing you’re not living peacefully.”

his head hangs low, phone pressed against his ear, he mutters, “yes mother. i will eat better and rest better now. i have to go now.”

“hyukjae?” she calls for him again, making sure he’s not ending the call without saying something important, “i love you, baby. more than anything in the world. more than you can imagine. i know that you and i have been inseparable since you’ve been a baby and my heart aches so much.. knowing i can’t be there to hold your hand and tell you that whatever is hurting you... it will be okay. it will always be okay, i promised you that when we were getting ready to leave america, remember? that no matter what we would always stick together, that i would never let anything hurt you and i’m so sorry to know you’re in pain, i’m so sorry i broke that promise.”

“no, no... mom, you didn’t break a promise. i am fine, i’m just tired, i promise. i am fine. i’m always fine, i’m just really exhausted.” he’s practically begging, begging for her to believe him.

“that is not what i was told, i...”

“it doesn’t matter what you were told, mom. they lied to you because i am okay. i am fine. i’m just tired and you shouldn’t worry about me like this, it won’t do you any good. look at the distance between us, if you get sick for worrying, then i will truly be sick and we won’t be able to take care of each other. so please, don’t worry about me, the guys always take care of me, i promise.” 

bae jiohami remains silent for several seconds and hyukjae knows it’s because she’s trying to analyze his words. the faint tone of his voice specifically. eventually, she lies to him when she says, “okay. okay. if you say that i will believe it.” but she doesn’t and hyukjae can hear the quiet sobs on the other end of the line. he can feel his own chest in pain at the single thought of his crying mother. last time she cried thanks to pain was when his father dragged him and...

he closes his eyes. he doesn’t want to remember.

he doesn’t want to remember.

“i will talk to you soon, okay?” he manages to say. 

“yes, that’s fine. i love you, hyukjae.”

“i love you too, mom.” and he ends the call. 

someone. someone called her and he knows exactly who. he knows who picked up the phone and informed his mother that lately he wasn’t eating, he wasn’t taking vitamins, he wasn’t sleeping, he wasn’t doing anything but walk around the dorm like a zombie. it surely wasn’t milo, nor dax, nor jeno. he knew exactly who it was and hyukjae’s blood was boiling at this point. 

he drags his feet back across the tiled room, presses his knees against his chest, wraps his arms around his legs. it was aroon. he was the one who called her, he was the one who informed her that he was living life like a zombie ever since they came back from chile. he was the one who snitched and told her, he was the one who broke his mother’s heart with that. and hyukjae, the one to always hide things, the one to keep his feelings to himself... now had to deal with the idea of his mother being aware of his pain. of his sadness.

ironic. the one guy who caused all of it was also the one guy who was calling his mother to let her know he wasn’t acting like himself. the one guy who had done nothing but torment his thoughts, but seep his way into his heart so deeply that bae hyukjae had no other choice but to accept the one thing he had been denying to himself: that he was in love. that maybe he was in love. that maybe his feelings had shifted at some point and he loved aroon, not like a friend, but like a man. and he wants to tell him.

no.

he wanted to tell him. he knew he went out with someone, he knew the movie they went out to see and yet, hyukjae swallowed the pain. too excited to do anything else but wait for him, to talk it out, to be honest about how he feels even if aroon explicitly told him that he hates him. but at least he could still tell him, right? let it out even if he sensed he would laugh at his face, make fun of him. hyukjae was such a little thing compared to aroon that he knew he was in for one hellish kind of humiliation.

but not anymore. now there’s nothing but anger in his heart.

he hurt him, pushed him away, treated him like shit, told him he hates him and despite all of that hyukjae was willing to confess, it was fine. until he called his mother, until he messed with his mother’s feelings. now? not anymore. 

and he hears him, hears the click of the front door, hears his feet taking him to their shared room and this is when hyukjae decides to confront him. to call him out for it. so he manages to stand up, wobbly legs and everything, silently leaves the bathroom and follows aroon into their room. it’s almost as if time decides to stop. right there and then.

hyukjae looks at him for what felt like an eternity, but it was probably a second or so. he tries to be rational, he tries to keep quiet, he tries to be the hyukjae everyone knows, but he’s not. not anymore. he’s broken, desperate and in pain. this is not him anymore, at all. 

ft. @idaroon; waiting room, backstage at kbs showtime showcase.

hyukjae pinches the bridge of his nose. takes a deep breath. inhales, exhales. takes a deep breath, keeps it in, releases it. sings quietly. whistles a little. 

it doesn’t work, the butterflies in his stomach are still there. 

he’s nervous and quite possibly more nervous than he has been before. he knows he shouldn’t be and he knows he won’t be when the time to perform with titanium comes around. but he’s nervous about performing with aroon, just them, no one else. the thing is; he holds aroon in such high standards, he’s just afraid to fuck up. he knows he’s never fucked up on stage with his group mates, but he knows more eyes will be on him this time around. watching, either in awe or hoping he slips and fucks up; a lot of people take plenty of enjoyment when someone they hate goes through that.

he doesn’t want to let anyone down, especially because he’s technically filling in for san. ‘the’ ryu san. that alone makes his nerves come back, wrap around him like some kind of spiderweb. but he tells himself he can do it, he tells himself he can’t fuck up because this is for his best friend, for the one person he’d do anything, no matter what. 

so he approaches him from behind, placing his hands on his best friend’s shoulders, “isn’t it kind of... crazy? our first performance together.” he pauses, then says the next words in english, “dream team.” and he lets out a small laugh, dropping his hands to his sides.

so many things happened between them these past few weeks, it’s almost impossible to ignore them. it was true that their friendship had gone through a rough patch, which was so unlike them. quite the contrary, hyukjae and aroon were the ones who always got along, the ones who joked around the whole time, the ones who always loved each other unconditionally, the ones always comfortable enough to hug each other, touch each other in public, the ones who had zero issues in showing people how much they loved each other, how much they meant to each other. but things changed. 

maybe hyukjae changed. he put his nose where he shouldn’t (where he thought he could) but turns out he couldn’t, shouldn’t. so then he takes aroon’s words to heart and keeps all of that in mind. now he’s changed. not attitude wise, because he’s still very much the same; but now there’s a wall. now he keeps his distance, still hugs and still approaches aroon when he feels like it, but it’s not like before. now he doesn’t sit next to him the whole time, now he doesn’t beg him to come watch anime with him, now he doesn’t even bother waking him up in the middle of the night to feed hungry kittens. no, now it’s different. 

he hates it, though. hyukjae hates the distance, but he believes this is what they need. that this is what he needs; to detach himself. they can’t be together forever, no matter how accustomed he is to him, no matter how close, eventually they’ll have to move on. and it breaks hyukjae’s heart.

but it’s for the best, right? 

ft. @idaroon at midas dance studio; detail your character training/practicing (+5/+5 dance)

He got there early, which actually, was kind of a first. It’s not like Hyukjae was far from punctual, he was just really bad at managing time sometimes, which yes, he knew it probably wasn’t too professional, but truthfully, what can you do when you want to do many things on the same day? He couldn’t help it, it was kind of a habit at this point... and the good thing about it was that Aroon knew. Of course he did.

Dropping his bag next to the nearest wall, Hyukjae pulled his phone out of his pocket and opened his text conversation with his best friend. To pull a small joke on him (if you could even call it a joke), he texted him expressing how disappointed he was on him for “being late”, especially when he had been there waiting for him “at the time we agreed on”. He knew it was okay to joke with it because they never held anything against each other, at least not seriously. 

He’d never dare hold anything against him, anyway. Even if something bad ever happened between them, Hyukjae knew he’d never have the strength to fight him, no, not Aroon. He was bad at conflict and generally terrible at confronting issues, but with his best friend? It only got worse. It was physically impossible to be mad at him, even if he tried. They had been friends since the very first day he was signed as a trainee and since then, they had been inseparable.

Walking over to the sound system, he plugged his phone to the console and took his time choosing the song he wanted to dance to as a warm up. Once he made up his mind and the song started to play, he walked over to the center of the studio. With one swift movement, he turned back his hat so it wouldn’t block his view, if at all. To the rhythm of the music, he moved. Some steps were firm, some steps were a bit lazier than the others, some even looked sloppy. Hyukjae had always been good at learning whatever choreography they wanted him to learn; but when it came down to freestyle? He felt like he was terrible at it, or at least, that was his perception.