#idaf

i am writing the kaeya x kinlani fic (kaeya x kinich x mualani)

An Israeli F-15I 2024. (idf)

Here I am with part two of the “No” miniseries. I could’ve put it altogether as one long fanfic, but me being me put it as two parts. I’m so glad that people read the first part to this because tbh I wasn’t expecting more than 8-10 people to read (just cause Fionn is literally nowhere to be found...), and as of now we have nearly 20! Anyway, enough of my rambling... Enjoy!

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Y/N POV

I briskly walk down the street, minding my own buisness, when I'm stopped by a man.

"You're, Y/N, right?"

"Umm, yeah," I say.

"Could I get a picture with you?"

Get a picture with me? No one ever asks for pictures with me, let alone notices me. We quickly take a selfie and we go our seperate ways. I hope I didn't seem to distant, I'm just not in the best mood.

I get another phone call from Fionn, but I let it go to voice mail.

I take a few more sips of my coffee before throwing it out in the nearest trashcan. I sit on a bench outside a clothing store.

What am I doing? Running away from my fear? Fionn is my fear? I'm scared of him now? What do I do when I go back home? What will he do? I know what he'll do. He'll yell at me, not apologize, leave the room, and come back and apologize. As for me, I will either yell at him back or just take the crap coming towards me.

A bird comes by the bench and starts eating some potato chip crumbs left by someone. It's a beautiful bird. It's blue with a white speckled back and a red beak. I've never seen one quite like it. I try not to move, so I don't scare it away, but a little boy runs over to it.

"Awe, no! I scared it away," he says to his mum. You're damn right you scared it.

The bird quickly flutters away and flies across the street and perches itself on a bench. I wish I was the bird. I wish I could fly as far from this place as far as I possibly could, but I can't. What am I even thinking right now. I think or say these things, but this time tomorrow I'll be leaving with Fionn... Or will I?

I check my phone and ignore all of the notifications from Fionn. 14 texts and 5 calls. Nice to know how persistent he can be, I guess. I scroll through Instagram, but nothing is interesting. It's just the same pictures as the last time I check. I rummage through my purse to find my ear buds, and of course I forgot them. I sigh and zip it up.

Getting up off the bench, I drop my phone. I quickly pick it up and look at the screen. Phew, it didn't crack. I continue walking down the block and make my way to the corner store where we usually get our groceries.

The windows are fogged up because of the temperature. It's getting colder and later by the second, I'm not surprised it's fogged up. When I walk in I'm greeted by, John, the manager. He's always there. This store is his life, even though he doesn't own it.

"So what brings you in today?" he ask in a cheerful voice.

"Just needed to get out for a bit."

"I see. So, how's that boyfriend of yours. Uhhh, Fred, right?"

"Fionn," I say with a laugh. "He's doing well. He's leaving for some job thing tomorrow."

"That's pretty cool. Are you going with him?"

"No, but he really wants me to."

"You should! You don't get out enough! Plus, I'm sure you'll meet some of your fans, right? Great promo for those books of yours," he says trying to convince me.

I shrug, "I don't know, John. I have work to do and-"

"-And what? You work too much! Go on and live your life!" he cuts me off.

I give him a smile, "I'll think about it."

I wave goodbye and walk further into the store. Do I need anything? No. No, I don't. I walk to the chips and cracker isle and look for something that'll get me through the next hour or however long I'm out. I grab a bag of chips and pay for them.

The store looks different. I don't know why, but it does. They haven't changed anything around, but it looks different. There's still loads of people and lines longer than life. Maybe it's just me...

I walk out of the store and am greeted with a nice cold breeze. I zip up my jacket and open my bag of chips. I begin eating them, but soon stop when I drop them all over the sidewalk. This really isn't my day, is it? I quickly clean up the mess I made and dispose of my uneaten chips.

I decide to walk back home, there's no sense of me wandering around town alone.

I get a call from Fionn. I pick it up.

"Where are you? Are you okay? Why haven't you answered my texts or calls? Y/N! Say something!"

"Hi."

"Well?"

"I'm fine."

"I'm coming to pick you up. Where are you?"

"No."

"What?"

"I'm 10 minutes away, I don't need a ride," I mumble.

I sense the worry in his voice as he sighs in relief that I'm not dead. "Why did you leave?"

"Needed some fresh air."

"That's all? Fresh air?" he questions.

"No."

"Then, what else?"

"You."

"I'm sorry."

"You should be."

"Gee, thanks."

"I'm sorry too."

"For what?"

"For not being who you want me to be," I say hanging up the phone. I place it into my purse and continuing walking. I'm about a block away from the apartment. I hear a buzzing coming from my purse, Fionn, of course. I let it go to voice mail. I know he's confused about what I meant, but it's true. He needs someone who isn't as stubborn as I am. He needs someone who can be more supportive of him. Who will oblige to his every need, and that person can't be me.

I open the door that leads me into the apartment building and decide to take the stairs instead of the elevator. No sense of rushing.

I count each step in my head, trying to pass time. I find myself bored as ever. I honestly should've taken the elevator. 4 flights of stairs when you've been walking for the past 3 hours isn't fun.

A minute later I open the door that opens up to our hall. I walk down it as silent as a I can. As I stand in front of the door I can't help but want to walk away. I want  to leave and never come back, but what good will that do? I just left, but came back... Just like I knew I would.

I reach into my purse for my keys and see that I've forgotten them, of course I did. I knock on the door. No response. I turn the door knob and the door opens. I walk  into the apartment. The lights are off, except the one in the kitchen that we always leave on. I take my shoes off and place them on the shoe rack by the door. I don't know where Fionn is and I don't see him either.

I walk into our bedroom, nothing. Office, nothing. Bathroom, spotless.

"Fionn!" I call.

Is  he even here?

Going back into the kitchen, I see  something move. I turn on the other kitchen lights to see him walking towards me.

"Hi," he mumbles.

I smile.

"I'm not going to force you to come with me."

"Good," I reply.

He nods.

"Are you hungry? I can order us food."

"Yeah, I am actually." I say.

He pulls out his phone, "Is Chinese okay?"

I nod as he calls the place.

Moments later we sit in the kitchen in silence, unknowing what to say. 30 minutes later our food arrives. I run over to the door while Fionn sets the table. I thank the man and he hands me the food.

"I'm starving," I blurt.

"What else is new?" he jokes.

We begin eating, but it doesn't feel right. This isn't us.

"I don't think I can do this Fionn," I say.

"What?"

"I don't think I can do this."

"Do what?"

"Us."

"Is it because I was mad? Y/N, I'm sorry for getting so mad. I just... I don't know, I get worried about you. And we never do anything anymore, so I try to make you come travel with me," he says with pain and worry prominent in his voice and eyes.

I shake my head, "I know, but maybe it's a sign that we're just not working."

"Don't say that. Y/N, I love you more than anything else in the world, and I can't risk loosing that."

"And, I love you! But, if it's hurting the both of us, then is it really worth it? Don't you ever feel like you're being pounded, suffocated by the own air you breathe? Like, every time you try to inhale, the air becomes thicker and thicker. Then, when you try to call for help, you slowly get dizzier and you have to sit down and rest. I'm just so tired of that. So tired of having to put my life on hold because of the way this relationship is treating me," I explain.

"We can work through this!" he pleads.

"Can we?"

"We can! I know we can!"

"Maybe you can, but I've been trying to be okay with us for the past month and nothing is working."

"Together," he mumbles. "We have to do this together."

"No."

"No?"

"No," I repeat. I get up from the chair and grab my coat and bag that's lying on the couch. I walk over to the door and leave. Everything is in slow motion. Fionn's voice yelling to me is being canceled out by the beating of my heart. My vision gets blurry as a shower of tears pour from my eyes. Fionn's hand comes in contact with my wrist to stop me from walking away, but it doesn't work. I pull away from his grasp and head for the stairs. I open the door and run down the stairs, secretly hoping I miss one and slip down them to my death.

I hear Fionn's voice yelling for me. I refuse to turn around because I know if I do, I'll run right back into his arms, which is exactly what he wants. I wipe my tears from my face before entering the lobby. Opening the door to the lobby, it gets stuck and won't budge. I pull and pull, but nothing works. I hear footsteps right behind me and I pull and pull, but it's still stuck. I scream as the tears come down my once happy face.

"No!" I scream! "No, no, no!"

His hand touches my arm, but I pull away. "Don't you get it? All you do makes me want to leave, so why won't you let me?"

"No."

"No?"

"No, I won't let you walk away. I know we have problems. Hell, we have more than just problems, Y/N!" He pauses to get his thoughts together, but continues, "I know you're hurting, but you can't just keep turning your back from me and running away. No matter how far you run, your problems will always be right behind you, ready to prance on you and hurt you. The more you wait, the more time they have to get plan how to get worse."

I sink down to the floor, my back touching the door. All I can do is look at the floor. I want to curl up into a ball and die, I know Fionn's right. I shouldn't be running away, but I need to. He doesn't understand that.

I shake my head 'no'. "You don't understand," I mumble.

"Then, explain it to me."

"It hurts to even be with you because I'm scared of when you're going to get mad and yell. I'm..." I pause, "I'm scared of you."

"You're scared of me?" He looks hurt. I shouldn't have said that.

"No."

"But-"

"-I'm scared of what you're going to say." I explain.

He nods.

"I just never know what to expect from you. It's like nothing I do is ever going to be good enough for you."

"What are you talking about?" he asks.

"I mean, I can't be the girl who can always be there to support you with everything you do, even though it may seem that way. I try my best to, but it's hard when the other person doesn't even support you."

"Y/N, that's crazy! I've always supported you! Yeah, I say some shit, but I don't mean it."

"Then, why say things you don't mean?"

"Because," he tries explaining himself. "Because sometimes you just do. I don't know." He kicks his shoe gently on the wall.

"I don't know either," I mumble.

"So what are we going to do?"

"I don't know," I sniffle.

"Are you still leaving?"

I shrug, "No."

He nods. "I love you. You know that right?"

"Normally."

"Oh."

"I love you, Fionn. I really do, but sometimes I just can't. I can't even explain it, I just physically can't because I just get so tired."

"I'm sorry. I'll fix myself, just don't leave."

"I won't," I admit, "Leaving won't help, just like you said."

I get up from the ground and face Fionn and it's the first time I feel like I can. It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, as if what I said was what was really bring me down.

"Are we okay now?"

"We're never okay, and we never will be," I say. "We're too fucked up as individuals."

Fionn laughs and pulls me into a hug. I lay my head on his chest, listening to his heart beat slow down. I guess this was as hard for him as it was for me.

"Don't ever leave me," he says.

"I won't."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," I say, assure of myself. No matter what happens, I know for a fact I will never be able to leave Fionn.

"I promise it'll all get better," he whispers.

And I still believe him.