#icraveit

Love is a universal thing. It's everywhere. Whether is familial love, romantic love, material love, friend love, or any other love, it exists and has existed for as long as humans have been alive. I am happy to say that I have experienced all kinds of love and admiration. But.. the way I love is different from how others love. It may seem weird or distorted. It is not a "normal" love. There are reasons for that. I haven't shared them with everyone. But here goes nothing.

I guess it all started when I was a kid. Growing up, I was really sick. I was constantly in the hospital from the time I was born until I was eight or nine years old. There were times I had to stay and my mother couldn't stay with me. If anyone has children, you know how hard it is to leave your child alone with total strangers. Because I was constantly alone in a hospital at a young age, I missed critical bonding time with my mother and my father. So it was hard for me to give love in certain ways. But when I received love and affection, I was overjoyed and returned the favor with whoever was giving me that attention.

One of my earliest memories of school was saying I had a crush on a girl while we were sitting on the carpet. I told someone in front of me until the girl was told, who was sitting in the front. She looked back at me and I blushed. I remember the funny look she gave me before she turned around. After carpet time, we went to our seats. A guy at this girl's table looked at me hard and I was confused as to why. A few minutes later, someone said my name. As soon as I looked up, I was hit in the face with a crayon box. I threw it right back and got in trouble since the teacher saw me. I was given a talking to and returned to my seat. I didn't know that liking girls was wrong at the time. Considering I was a "girl", it was in the eyes of society.

I remember a time when I was maybe six. My grandfather's friend was over the house and I was there with my brother. I would wave at him and he would smile and wave back. This man would always give me hugs when he saw me. As a kid, you love hugs. I especially loved hugs. My grandfather was discussing something in Spanish and I was holding this man's hand while we followed my grandfather. At one point, he bent down to talk to me and I gave him a bunch of kisses. My mom saw this and I wasn't aware of it. After he left, my mom came over to me and hit my mouth then hit me in the face. She firmly said "You shouldn't be kissy kissy goo goo with no man other than your father". As a kid, I didn't know it was wrong. I just thought I was being nice to someone I knew. If that didn't make me fearful of being friendly, I didn't know what would.

Another experience that comes to mind was in sixth grade. We had a really cute English teacher and his name was Mr. Sorenson. I admit that I had a little gay crush on him. I would always swoon when he was teaching. It was around Valentine's Day and we were getting dismissed based on the score on our last test. I remember going up and giving him a hug. As he bent down to hug me, I also kissed his cheek. As I left to go home, I remember the looks I caught in my sideways glace. Everyone looked at me weird and I was blushing as I went down the stairs. I really did that? Oh god... Being a "girl", I was supposed to kiss guys I like... Right? Based on what I had done, it probably wasn't.

I spoke about carving Tessa's name in my leg in pervious post and how the entire lunchroom was laughing at me when I wrote a nice note to Samantha. Again, I was a "girl" and a lot of people called me a fag. Not only was I hella mad, I was hella embarrassed. Why was love so hard? With Tessa, I carved myself because I liked her and wanted to be supportive. Apparently with adolescent love, there was such a thing as "too much love". In my history of love at that time, I loved too much and got really attached. So I left myself set up to get hurt a lot more.

There are a lot times I liked girls and the love wasn't returned. Most times, I would either get laughed at or outcasted. An experience I remember was when I was when I was in seventh grade (I think). There was a really cute girl in my class named Larissa Soto. There were other cute girls as well. I thought of them as my friends because I talked to them all. When I heard Larissa might be leaving to another school, I thought it would be nice to write her a goodbye note. Not wanting to leave other girls out, I wrote to the other cute girls too. Before we were dismissed to lunch, I handed each girl their note. They read them and I waited in anticipation as to what they'd say. Some were confused, others laughed, and others looked scared. The only thing I knew is that they all looked at me and decided to get the hell out of dodge. This was when I only had two friends, one I knew from kindergarten and the one non English speaker. I remember feeling like an idiot. I thought I was being nice... But how I felt was wrong for my age and against the expectation for "girls" my age.

Another experience I remember was actually during my first semester of college. I was eighteen. I had broken up with my girlfriend Jennifer for the third time and started talking to her ex and former best friend, May. I didn't tell Jennifer until after we broke up that I liked May. After a month, I got really close to May. So close that we talked about doing sexual stuff to one another or doing sexual stuff to ourselves and telling each other about it. I felt good. A girl was giving me attention, love, and making me feel... pleased. At the time, she had a boyfriend and was living with him. Despite that, she still talked in a sexual manner to me and I couldn't resist doing it back. Then one day, she flat out told me that I had to stop because she was going to lose her boyfriend. I was hurt and confused. I told her that I thought I was special to her and that I loved her. She said she couldn't do it anymore and she stopped talking to me all together. I remember going to the basement and punching the heavy bag until I busted and bruised my knuckles. I felt used... And I didn't know what to do.

I said before that most of my relationships have been online and long distance. I honestly thought that was normal. Even when my partners were in the same state, I didn't get to see them. So I assumed that not seeing the people you love was a regular thing. It hasn't been until recently that I realize that you should have the basic right to see the person you're dating. You should have the basic right to have them in your arms and kiss them silly. The basic right to cuddle them in bed and talk about your feelings. My ex boyfriend was a stubborn brat but he gave me a taste of what a relationship should be like. How you should be able to see one another and love on them as soon as you're alone together.

As a man, I'm probably grouped into the collective of just wanting sex from a woman or another man. For those who have dated me and those who have been friends with me, they know for a fact that I am kind, courteous, sweet, and affectionate. Although my experiences have taught me to be cautious with love and who I'm affectionate towards, I am still too trusting and give those I care for a lot of love and affection. Yes, I admit that I would love some of the physicality of being held, being loved, being kissed, and being pleased. But what I really long for is deep companionship and intimacy. I want to kiss that special someone so hard that they lose their words and just get lost in me. I want to touch them and hear them moan at how good it feels. I want to get in the heat of the moment and say their name in satisfaction. I crave a closeness I have missed out on for a lot of my teenage years. I'm waiting for the special man or woman to get lost in.