Nonverbal but in that way that no matter how much I really fuckin want to speak I can't
Nonverbal in that my teeth feel cemented together
Nonverbal in that my tongue feels like it's made of lead
Nonverbal in that I can barely even make a noise. I yawned silently , I stretched silent, I popped my joints and not a single noise came from my throat
I want to scritch my cat in his head and coo to him about how cute he is. I want to groan and tell him he's being "a stinky brat". I want to scoff and make jokes with my sister. I want to flop on my Padre's bed and infodump about everything my partner and I are writing and creating.
I want to TALK , I want to SPEAK ! I hate being in a home where I'm not understood when I finger spell in ASL to try to get them to know what I want and need.
I want them to be patient and let me type my message. I want to be HEARD despite having no voice.
I hate this.
There are times I don't mind, times I'm okay with losing my voice...but...right now all I want to do is snort and giggle at my partner making dumb jokes, I want to tell my sister to "Fuck off" in the affectionate-mean way we talk to each other, I want to coo and pet my cat while telling him how much I love him. I want to pet Tanner and tell him how he's such a good boy and he's a big baby. I want to SING ...god I want to sing...
It's day one of this...I don't know how long it will be but it feels like forever because....
My teeth are cemented together and my tongue is crafted from lead.
