#hyperventilate

01 : [in 2018] Tae Joo dreams of childhood trauma ... in a couple of fights ... shot in the head ... walking around with bleeding head wound ... hit by a car ... dreaming of childhood trauma ... [in 1988] Wakes up in middle of road, very confused ... in another fight, kicked in the head, arrested ... beat while cuffed to a chair ... in another fight (what, is this guy a punching bag? … good 😁) ... ears ringing, lightheaded, bleeding from ear, collapses ... wanders around extremely out of it / in shock / panicking

02 : Ears ringing, lightheaded ... ears ringing, can hear 2018 treatment & defibrillator, collapses ... hallucinates & knees buckle ... in a fight, kicked in the head

03 : Almost steps off a building (but is stopped) ... cuts his thumb ... auditory hallucinations of 2018 ( ! it happens a lot, so I'll just use "AH" from here out) & unsteady ... in a fight (comedic) ... in another fight, kicked in the head (this poor man & head trauma) ... starts to hyperventilate, AH of him seizing in 2018, ears ringing & bleeding, collapses

04 : (near end) Remembering childhood trauma, collapses

05 : Dreaming of childhood trauma, wakes in a panic, ears ringing, hyperventilating, unsteady, AH, collapses ... is hit in the head several times (comedic) ... examined by a doctor, receives IV ... AH ... lightheaded, ears ringing, AH ... ears ringing, AH, passes out

06 : (at end) Remembering childhood trauma

07 : Unsteady, AH ... shot at, knocked out, [in 2018] heart stops, [in 1988] gasps awake ... Recalling childhood trauma

08 : In shock, unsteady, ears ringing ... puking ... visual/auditory hallucinations ... punches mirror, hand bleeding ... in a fight ... recalling childhood trauma, collapses ... AH, ears ringing ... hit in the head ... unsteady, in shock from witnessing father's murder

09 : … continued from previous ep. ... mourning ... in a fight ... drugged/drunk, passes out ... hallucinates ... hungover, unsteady, lightheaded

10 : Dreaming/hallucinating of 2018 ... has an extreme reaction from events happening in 2018: unable to breath, shocked with defibrillator ... ears ringing & bleeding, visual/auditory hallucinations, panicking ... nosebleed, ears ringing, AH

11 : Punched ... ears ringing, unsteady

12 : … continued from previous ep. ... Shot at, head grazed by bullet & bleeding ... stabbed ... tries to stop suspect from jumping into river, falls in, passes out, AH

13 : … continued from previous ep. ... saved from drowning ... ears ringing, unsteady, blurred vision ... unsteady

14 : Ears ringing, AH, passes out ... wakes in clinic, exhausted, stab wound infected ... hit by a car, AH, ears ringing ... [in 2018] wakes up in hospital

15 : … continued from previous ep.

16 : AH, cut his hand ... jumps from building to go back to 1988 & save his friends

Kade could feel his heart starting to hammer against his chest, as he started to hyperventilate.  His chest felt tight.  For a moment he almost thought that someone was strangling him.  

“Kade!” Killian’s voice called through the darkness that threatened to overwhelm him.  

He tried to find Killian through the panic that started pulling him down.  

Hands caught his shoulders and his head snapped up, eyes focusing on the figure in front of him.  

Killian paced a hand on the back of Kade’s neck, feeling his friend trembling.  

“Come on Kade” he said as Kade sank to his knees, pulling Killian down with him “I need you to breath, buddy”

Kade just shook his head, gasping.  “I....  I can’t...” he gasped.

“Kade!” Killian snapped “Look at me!  Focus on me.  Take a deep breath.  Slowly.  You need to slow down.  You are breathing to fast, hyperventilating”

After a few minutes, Kade finally managed to get his breathing back under control.  For a moment he just sat there, staring down at the ground, one hand clutching the material of his shirt in a death grip, the other one hanging limply at his side. 

He could feel Killian hand on the back of his neck.  The warmth helped to calm his racing heartbeat.   

Killian breathed out.  That was not something that he ever wanted to experience again.  He knew that Kade had some kind of PTSD, but he’d never seen anything trigger him like this.

“I’m sorry...” Kade muttered as he leaned forward, resting his head on Killian’s shoulder.  

“What are you apologizing for?” Killian asked, patting Kade on the back.

“I... caused trouble... for you... again” 

Killian sighed.  “Kay” he started “We’re friends.  Everyone has something that messes with them.  I get it”

Kade lifted his head after a moment.  

“Think you can tell me what triggered you?” Killian asked.

Kade hesitated for a moment.  “The smell...” he said, his voice going dead.  

Killian clenched his jaw as he looked back at the dorms.  “Will be you able to go inside without triggering again?”

“I think so...  as long as the smell doesn’t... surprise me” he said “I can handle it”

“Alright, let’s get you to your room”

Killian got to his feet, before pulling Kade up.  

After the first step, Kade felt his legs threatening to give in beneath him.  His legs felt like jelly.  If it weren’t for Killian, he’d probably not make it to his room.

Killian let Kade sank down on the bed.  By now his friend just stared blankly out at nothing.  

“Are you going to be alright?” Killian asked. 

Kade blinked a few time before he looked at Killian, eyes empty before he nodded.  Not saying a word.  

“Alright, I’m going now” Killian said “Call me if you need anything”

Again Kade just nodded.  He barely noticed when Killian left.  The room was cold, drawing the heat from his body.  So he just stared at the wall, feeling numb.  

Slowly he lay down on the bed, staring up at the ceiling.  Still he couldn’t feel anything, he was numb, which was not a good thing.  He closed his eyes for a moment.  Maybe he could get some sleep, but from experience he knew that he wasn’t going to be sleep, for some time.  

A knocking on his door, made him turn his head before slowly sitting up.  

“Kade?” a voice called from the other side.  That sounded like Bell.  

“Come in” he said, swinging his legs from the bed.  If he wasn’t so numb, he would’ve flinched at the emptiness in his voice.  

The door creaked open and Bell came in.  Her eyes searched the room, before resting on him.  A slight smile formed on her face.  

“Hey” she said and Kade nodded “Kill told me that you had another attack”

Again Kade just nodded.  

“How are you feeling?” 

“I’m fine” he said, voice empty.

Bell sighed as she walked over to him, taking a seat on the bed next to him.  “Are you sure about that?” she asked.

“Bell” he said “I told you.  I’m fine.  Stop worrying about me”

“We’re going to worry about when you don’t answer your phone” 

Kade blinked a few time.  “I didn’t hear it” he said, realizing that he lost time somewhere.

It took him a moment before he realized that he couldn’t really remember what happened the day before.  Everything was a blur of things that did not make any sense.  

“Kade...” Bell started.

“What happened yesterday?” Kade asked, stopping her from saying anything else.  He did not look at Bell, just stared down at the ground in front of him.  

“What do you mean?”

“What.  Happened.  Yesterday?”

Bell frowned dangerously at him, not saying anything.  

Kade closed his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath.  “Sorry” he said tone flat and emotionless “I just...”

Groaning he dropped his head into his hands.  

“Don’t” Bell said “Did you sleep at all last night?”

Kade stayed just like he were, shaking his head slightly.  “Don’t remember” he said.

“And that’s why you asked about yesterday” Bell said “You can’t remember that either, can you?”

Again he just shook his head.  

“The smell...” he groaned “I can’t...”

***

Kade walked towards the training field.  There was no expression on his face.  He barely spoke to Killian and Bell.  It’s been three days since the attack.  He’s lost time from there on multiple occasions. 

“What are we doing?” he asked, coldly.  

Bell glanced at him.  

“A practice fight against some of the instructors” she said.

Kade nodded.

“And don’t make this worse than you need to” Killian said, Kade already gotten into about five fights over the last three days.  He did not want him to get into even more reckless fights.  He’s not been sleeping, barely ate anything and were just on a self-destructive road at the moment.

As they entered the training field, Kade almost flinched.  The place smelled strange and it bordered on smelling like chlorine bleach.  He could feel another panic attack rising in his chest.  

The three instructors stood in the centre of field.  

Tartaros, the element specialist. 

Rulan, a nether magic user.

And StarSight, the light specialist and Kade’s worst nightmare.  

“Rules?” Kade asked as they stopped in front of the instructors.  

StarSight smiled and Tartaros narrowed his eyes at the students.  Rulan just watched them with his normal calm.  

“Last for more than three minutes” Rulan said “Or take all of us out.  If you cannot continue fighting, you lose”

“Easy enough” Kade said and stepped back.  

Killian groaned.  “This is not going to end well for us” he muttered under his breath.

“Five” a voice boomed over the area.

“Four”

“Three”

“Two”

“One”

Without warning, Kade teleported behind StarSight.  His shadows surged forward, snarls and hissing sounded from within.  

StarSight spun around, blocking his roundhouse kick.  

Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Bell and Rulan clashing in a blaze of white and black magic, while Killian was doing his best against Tartaros.  That was a bad match up.  

A blast of light hit Kade in chest, throwing him back.  

Pain tore through him and he wrapped himself in shadows and darkness.  She knew more about using her light power than he did about his shadows and the darkness.  

Two minutes in and they were all pushed back.  

A cold sneer formed on Kade’s face.  

“Don’t you dare” Killian gasped out of breath.  

Kade tilted his head slightly and closed his eyes for a moment.  “One minute left to go” he said “I’m not failing this bloody thing”

“Don’t do it Kade” Killian said as he shielded them with a water shield, while Bell concealed them bending the air around them “You’ve pushed yourself to far already.  You need to back of”

“Don’t move”

Kade tilted his head slightly and stepped forward.  He closed his eyes, spread his fingers and drew on the shadows.  Shadows stained the skin around his eyes, his fingertip turned black as the black veins crawled up his arms.  The shadows reached up from the ground towards his fingers.  

Taking a deep breath he shot forward, through Killian’s water shield.  Shadows rose from the ground, attacking everything that moved.  

A bell went off and Kade stopped.  He could feel blood starting to run down from his nose.  His chest felt tight, almost like he couldn’t breath.  It hurt so much, but he couldn’t help it.  

He needed this.

Needed the fighting.  The adrenalin.  

To feel something, anything through the numbness. 

Light engulfed him.  His shadows disappeared completely and he just sank to the ground, gasping.  

Killian walked over to Kade, roughly pulled his friend to his feet.  “What the hell is wrong with you?” he snapped angrily “You cannot use something like that in a fight.  And you are already in terrible shape, so what the hell?”

A bit of annoyance appeared in Kade’s dead expression.  

“I just...  You know...  The numbness...”

“You feel better now?” Killian asked, glancing at the instructors.