#hymens

You mentioned that virginity isn't real. Can you elaborate on that?

Maybe that's a stupid question but I always thought at least for vagina-havers it's a real physical thing?

A friend of mine (she has a vagina) was send away by her gynecologist once bc he apparently "couldn't see because she didn't have sex yet". And that kind of convinced me that virginity is real? At least I never questioned it until now?

Yes, I absolutely can! (This is a post with some more general information on the subject socially, if you're interested.)

To address your specific question (which is not stupid to me but regardless, I have a No Questions Are Stupid clause, so no worries), in relation to people who have a vagina, no, that's an old ass myth that unfortunately a number of doctors still believe in.

This belief is based on the idea that everyone with a vagina has a hymen, which is a thin membrane (stretchy piece of flesh) that will cover the vaginal opening until they have penetrative sex (which, of course, every person with a vagina will eventually have, if we believe in misogyny ™).

Except that's not how the vagina works! Not everyone with a vagina even has a hymen and the hymen isn't supposed to tear; it stretches, just like the rest of the vaginal entrance does and often wears away as people grow.

Yes, it can tear but that's not unique to penetrative sex; you can tear parts of your body, including the hymen, doing yoga. And that's an injury, not just something that's supposed to happen every time someone with a vagina has sex for the first time.

And the hymen rarely completely covers the vaginal entrance, that's a unique complication that usually requires medical intervention. It's not just how every hymen works.

It's certainly possible your friend hadn't experienced anything penetrative in relation to her vagina and because of her lack of experience using those muscles, it was too uncomfortable or painful for her to get testing at the gynecologist.

It's also possible her hymen partially covered her vaginal entrance but that doesn't mean she needs to have penetrative sex before she gets testing or anything. That's just her doctor being an ass.

There are plenty of other options.

You can certainly wait and try again another time, or you can use things like dilators to help you learn to work those muscles, or you can see if you're dealing with a hymen complication and that's causing problems, there are so many options and none of them have to be "wait until you have vaginal sex and then come back".

Research dump.

I am pootling about the internet reading about virginity tropes and in particular the hymen, as I might want to allude to it in a round about way in one of my scribbles. Lots of fun (which I know, I know, is easy for me to say, living in a semi-enlightened country, although we seem to be slipping back and hymen inspections may even now be being suggested by some SPAD tasked with blue sky thinking about the 2025 elections and ideas that might appeal to the red wall - you see what I did there? ...)

Read Sara Pascoe:

Some theorists boringly claim that the hymen may have no adaptive evolutionary purpose, that it’s a byproduct of the way female genitals develop. PUT SOME EFFORT IN GUYS.

😁

Sorry, I have made that text grey and I don't know how. But that leads me to mention that the Internet says elephants have hymens. And so do gerbils. I can't reference those facts so will just leave them there, all virginal and expectant.

The gals at Our Bodies, Ourselves are all over this, of course, and it's depressing to read:

Interestingly, “hymen” is the most popular internal search term at the Our Bodies Ourselves website. (In case you’re wondering, orgasm, abortion, yeast infection and vagina round out the top-five searches.)

Hymen is a more popular search than orgasm. My friends, this is what's wrong with the world.

Finally, due to the patriarchal workings of the internet, with its links and algorithms and other stuff that's repressive of female sexuality, I broke through hymens and ended up in sex education (appropriate) and read this absolute gem:

Until an alarmingly late age, I did not know about erections and I assumed that coitus occurred after the man had succeeded in stuffing his limp member away, like a magician vanishing a string of hankies into his fist.

I cannot get this image out of my head and have smiled inappropriately about it ever since reading it. Sex ed in the UK, even in my day, was too efficient to allow this misapprehension; as soon as I was aware that erections existed I knew the mechanics of them. But even I remember being dubious. It was taught as biology then, and at the age of 12 or 13 I had absolute faith in my science teacher, but I do remember thinking, 'I am trying to believe you, Mrs R, but despite what you say I just don't think it's going to work.' 😁

Please, have my links.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/mar/16/hymen-oppression-female-sexuality-body

https://www.ourbodiesourselves.org/our-story/

If you are uncomfortable with surgery and do not want it, you absolutely do not have to get it. Your body, your decision. No one should pressure you into it. People may especially try to pressure you into it because you are asexual, which is horrible and aphobic. You might say to them that you have no desire to have sex “right now” and that if you do in the future you can reconsider it then. That way you don’t need to defend your identity and can hopefully get them to stop pushing you.

The hymen is normally stretched in people who put large things through it like a penis or dildo (and sometimes tampons), and it pretty much stays that way. Stretching one side of the hymen or the other is possible and usually what people do if they do not want or cannot get that surgery, unless of course they break it. While breaking it is the fast way it is indeed painful and there will be blood, and probably a scary amount of it. Breaking it can also result in infection. Under no circumstances should you attempt to cut it yourself. Even if you have an autoclave and surgical experience, non-lifesaving surgery is never a good thing to do to yourself.

In many people this band of tissue is rather thick and elastic. Stretching one opening will take time and patience. Since your goal is to be able to use tampons comfortably and without them getting stuck and not to fit a penis in there, it will be easier and faster than people who do want to engage in penetrative sex.

You did not specify whether you are also sex-repulsed as many ace people tend to be. If not and if you do masturbate, that would be a good time to do it. You may or may not be able to fit your pinky finger in it to start with, but the natural taper of your fingers will be helpful. Remember to go slow. You have all the time in the world and this should not hurt. If it hurts, stop. If you are sex-repulsed and/or do not masturbate then you need a distraction while you are stretching your hymen (go at whatever pace and try whenever you feel comfortable). Putting on a movie or tv show is often helpful because it’ll take your brain’s focus away from your vulva.

You probably know this, but just in case you do not, the kind of tampons that have applicators are usually thinner and longer than regular tampons and would be easier for you to use in the meantime.

Hi! Thank you! I just went in to clarify that in my post! Good catch! And I’ve talked a bit about hymens before (different shapes/types etc.) but NEVER in my LIFE have I heard this! I’m posting the rest of your ask below because girl this shit is important! 

Holy shit. I can honestly say that I have never heard about people being able to stretch their hymen and move the skin over. NEVER. I had a friend who I knew had to have hers stretched out (and eventually it ripped and it was fine), but this is blowing my mind right now. 

And I’m also kinda pissed that I didn’t know until now. Partly because they should teach this in school, and partly because people with vaginas need to start talking about their vaginas more. It annoys me that most people can’t even say or hear the word vagina without getting all weird and uncomfortable. (but you say the word penis and everyone laughs) UGH.

Bless you. This ask is amazing. I’m tagging it in my sexpectations and sex ed tags. Hope you don’t mind! [also, my gynecologist is going to hate you because you’ve now given me a whole new flood of questions to ask the next time I see her]

To learn more about what anon has to share about hymens keep reading! This fascinating and important.

Its because, like, i really want to buy a menstrual disc or a cup instead of having to buy pads every month. I'm a minor and unfurtunatelly kind of freak out my hymen will break and when i go see an ob-gyn that would be clear and my mom would somehow know? Omg now that im typing this thought its starting to sound so dumb lmao

And it isn't even like my mom would get mad at me? Is just that im ace and extremelly uncomfortable to have this tipe of talk with my parents. Having all of my sex ed being searched and studied by me and myself only. They don't talk about it :p

But yeaaah, how does it work? Please enlighten me qwq also if something i wrote sounded weird im sorry im not fluent hahah

Hi!

No. The hymen is literally just part of your vagina-It usually partially covers the opening of your vagina [though some people are born with it covering the entire opening of their vagina] and it can wear down with age but it does not "break" and it rarely tears at the simplest penetration.

It can tear, which usually causes no pain, and little blood. But it also stretches, like the rest of your vagina. There's a possibility it could tear but it's unlikely unless you're shoving something inside your vagina super hard.

Hymens can survive giving birth. As long as you're not violently inserting your menstrual cup/disk, you should be fine.

Let me be clear: if your hymen breaks enough to show and your OB/GYN sees it and tells your mom, your OB/GYN is a misogynist and a creep. It's their job to know that 1. hymen breakage can just happen sometimes and B. your hypothetical sex life is not your mother's business.

But this isn't me saying it can't happen. It's not a huge possibility but it's a possibility all the same. Hymens thin and can wear down over time, which can vary wildly from person to person. That can lead to tearing but you can hugely reduce that risk by being gentle and taking your time.

Having to tell your parents/your mom that you're using a menstrual cup/disc can definitely suck but you don't have to discuss anything sex related, Anon!

I'd say that trying out a menstrual disc/cup and seeing if it's more comfortable for you would probably be worth that.

Having more than one actual vagina is an extremely extremely rare thing. Much more likely is your hymen having two openings with a bit between them. This is called a septate hymen, and it happens to about 0.5-1% of people born with one. I can’t link pictures of actual nudity here but you can google that and see if it’s what’s going on with you.

This is not a thing you should feel pressured into having fixed. That said, there is a 15ish minute surgery to remove the central band to create one vaginal opening. It’s not painful and it doesn’t take long to heal.

Having a single typically sized vaginal opening will make the use of tampons much easier and will enable penetrative sex/fingering. While it is possible to stretch the hymen in one of the openings to a regular size, this can cause tearing of the central band portion which can be painful and is an infection risk. If you want to get a typically sized vaginal opening, please talk to your doctor and do not try to do this yourself.

Don’t be scared. It’s nothing serious, just a bit of extra skin. :)