#howdoesitgetanybetterthanthis

It's Monday.

And it's a shitty Monday on the world scene that I am seeing. This whole death by a thousand cuts thing seems to be happening in real time. I am generally not a pessimist. I am however preparing myself for things to move far more in a direction not of my choosing. The Supreme Court has allowed states to purge voters who haven't voted recently. There is no logical reason for this whatsoever.

However, I hope it leads to more states adopting automatic voter registration with driver's licenses and such. It is the most fundamental right we have as Americans and the Republicans want it taken away. They want a white-only country. They won't get it; it's too late. But man, they are winning in some strange and horrific ways.

We have work to do.

Shout out to all the extremists who are taking advantage of our open and flexible systems. You're winning for now. But I do wholly believe these wins are short-lived. And the response will be massive.

You want to take away health care? Fine, short term win. You are paving the way for even conservative Democrats to support single payer healthcare.

You want to prevent people from voting for various and sundry silly reasons? Fine, the next time we are in charge we will lock down that right. You know, as originalists in support of the Constitution.

I am usually able to ignore this stuff. I say and believe all the fucking time, everything here is a game. Fortunately, we've been witnessing game play for thousands of years. It's just odd to be on the losing team, to get the gut punch on a near daily basis. To once and for all see the shaky foundations of "high road" and "norms" and "protocol" quivering like non-stop earth tremors. The shaking has given so many of us PTSD.

Detach, woman!

Detach.

Don't give it your energy. Breathe into your own parallel universe. Look closely. Focus on the wind chimes playing the background tracks in your ears. Focus on the bird feeding off the moss up in the fairy forest, just outside your window.  Focus on this big screen right in front of you that houses your thoughts, your ideas, your writing muscles which are starting to bulge a little, ever so slightly.

Drawing a blank again. This feels futile, writing just for the sake of writing. I don't feel that way about exercise. I understand how the daily exercise keeps me strong, limber, energized.

I want that for my writing, too. I don't feel it in the same way I feel exercise. And of course it's easy for the monkey mind to tell me I am wasting my time. I reject that! Do you hear me, I reject that!

Not every workout feels good. Each single workout does nothing, measurably speaking, to my overall health and fitness. But it is the SUM of daily workouts that keeps me happy and healthy.

The breeze just picked up and blew a cooling wash across my face. Thank you. I'm sitting here in my Japanese yukata, trapping so much heat inside! Then, the breeze. Thank you.

It's fascinating to me, this contrast between the physical and the mental. In both cases, physical exercise and writing exercise, I mentally understand the concept. I accept the concept. I know there are people who workout physically and don't like it. The don't get the buzz; they'd rather be doing something else. I do get the buzz. I like it.

Writing. Some days I get the buzz but it's subject to a vague and random editorial process. Do I like these words today or not?

Seems unfair. I'd like to have a different metric, one that values my commitment to practice and is not dependent on the words themselves. Like a physical workout, I do believe I will get stronger at this the more I do it. I know a lot of people use rewards. I haven't really connected with that. My monkey mind and I both can see through that. I understand the dopamine-related "proof." Still, I've resisted it.

So now that I'm outing myself, what kind of reward would really make me feel good?

Can't be food - I'm on a weight loss plan to get back my pre 60's weight. That's the weight I've been gaining in my 60's - when the body decides, "I'm good here. Keep up that intense exercise please and cut back on the calories." Ugh. Harder and harder.

A reward. What do you want on a daily basis, Roxanne? What would you miss if you didn't have it? Do you want to tie your writing into that system? Or do you just want to write because you want to be "better" writer and that is enough?

Yes. I just want to be a "better" writer. That's a very problematic word - hence the quotes. I don't mean it in the way you and I are trained to think about it. But I'm well above my word count, so I'm quitting. Perhaps tomorrow I will deconstruct the word B E T T E R and find a replacement that is truer to my perspective.

The roller coaster of thoughts and emotions.

My nerves are a bit frayed. We listed our house for sale on Thursday late afternoon. A few showings on Friday. An offer, Friday night. More showings on Saturday. Two more offers on Saturday. All compelling and interesting people. One offer, all cash, asking price. WHUUUT?

Ok, yes, thank you, we'll take it. 30-day close? Umm, ok, I think we can do that. The zoom zoom train has left the station. The Universe has sent a magic carpet to whisk us off of Maui and on to new adventures. Yes, I take it as a clear sign that we are lined up with soul's intention. It feels so good and so ... not sure exactly what, other than anxious. I am facing, front and center, that lead actor in the play of the Hierarchical Game:

This is too good to be true.

So the battle is on! I reject that idea entirely, no matter how hard it's banging on my front door. You are no longer welcome in here, inside my mind, in the home that is me. There is no such thing as too good to be true. That is a contract in the game to keep us on edge, off center, fearful and preoccupied with what could go wrong rather than savoring and relating the divinely positive news of what is going so "right." (And by right, I mean, to my liking. My preference. My choice.)

Backstage, my world-class codependency is preparing an appearance, too. She wants in to this drama! She has so many predictable opinions; I've rejected these opines time and time again before.

Would it be more success in the realm of consciousness if I no longer had these thoughts? I am not sure. How do we know how far we've come without still having glimpses of those old roads, those old homes, pics of those old cars we used to drive. I suspect it's as much (or more) ego that wants it all to disappear. To not have to grapple, even a little bit, with the worries and anxieties and second-guessing and temptations.

One of my main temptations has been to save things. It's irrational on its face. Save who or what from whom or what? (Not as collectibles by the way. But as rescues.)

Is it my job?

Is it my responsibility?

Is it my business?

Usually not, But here's the catch, the trap that is custom-designed for me:

Ah, but does it give you pleasure?

Damn. Maybe. Maybe it does. But it can also have lots of unintended consequences. And I often confuse where the line "should" be between 'it gives me pleasure' and 'it mucks up someone else's' soul schtick. So I am learning to put myself first, in true respect for the anarchy that exists quite successfully out in the world of nature. Each animal hunts for itself. Somehow, the ecosystem balances out its food chains and resources,

Until humans intervene. Until I intervene in places that are none of my business. It sounds so simple, Roxanne: just take care of yourself, mind your own business, respect others, join things that truly speak to you, trust that each soul is here doing its own thing. You can engage if you want, but you don't have to. You can ignore if you want, but you don't have to. There are no rules. You are free to pursue your own life of happiness and freedom. You are not the world's caretaker. Because there is no such thing.

And at the end of the day, none of this matters. It is spirit playing. Playing with limits and boundaries, space and time.

Playing with limits and boundaries, space and time.

None of this matters.

Playing with limits and boundaries, space and time.

None of this matters.

How does it get any better than this?

Seriously. When things are feeling triple A – amazing, and awesome, and astonishing – can I create space for more amazing, and awesome, and astonishing? Yes, I can. (And how odd that the question is so often used as a pinnacle statement rather than the literal open-ended question that IT IS?

Humans are funny. Language is strange and powerful and often hijacked. I love the idea of reclaiming words from the Hierarchical Game, reclaiming the energy of those words to be FOR ME not against me.

It's such a beautiful morning on Maui. The perfect temp in the upper 70's, trade winds singing with the wind chimes, sunshine dancing across the coconut palm fronds, purple orchids in full bloom right here at eye level on my desk.

So I ask:

How does it get any better than this?

I will stay detached and wait to see.