#holyposting

i miss having a hyperfixation on catholicism and i'm trying to bring it back cause we need to get weirder and more autistic about the Lord just like the monks did and He intended! oooh i miss God oooh i miss Him so much

when we makeout in her room, she uses her good metal rosary beads from Lourdes to tie my wrists and keep my filthy sinner hands from touching her. she never lets me touch her, except to make her cum. she’s as much shackled to her desires as i am. thing is though, she’s the one who drags me up here every time. her little attic room is plastered with old posters and stacks of books and more vatican-related memorabilia than I could ever count. she has a pope’s signature buried somewhere between a book’s pages, I’m sure. the room’s out of sight from anyone else in the house. more importantly for her, if she closes the blinds the church is obscured. I bruise my knees when i fall between her thighs, and I make my own altar where I kneel.

I'm sorry and I know that this is gonna sound like I'm insulting the Church but I lowkenuenly believe that the orthodoxy of the Catholic Church has been carried on the backs of autistic people, at least partially so.

I say this by experience cause like. I went to the priest for him to bless and impose my scapular and he just. blessed it without imposing it and I'm like I gotta go to a priest again! Everyone else in my family said that it's not that serious and I didn't need to go again and I was just like: ????

If there's anyone that takes rules very seriously, it's us.

well, it's complicated. i'm young and have only recently discovered for sure that i'm a trans guy, so i can't tell you about what it's like for someone who has transitioned medically and/or socially (I'm still in the closet).

but i have had a few experiences. i largely attribute me discovering i'm a trans guy to God and Our Lady of Mount Carmel, because i found out in the mass of the feast. i felt like God was telling me to be His servant, His son and that profoundly changed me.

it's funny cause that was also the day i confessed and the priest told me (in regards to my gender identity) to forget about it and serve God, focus on God. i didn't ignore his words, because i did and still do try to focus on God. but, during the mass, i felt God's calling in my heart and also thought "If Marina the monk's (the saint i named myself after) heavenly plan was to be a man, why couldn't God wish the same from me?"

to me, my transness is a part of my main identity, which is being a servant and son of God. i do have my fears and concerns in regards to it, because sometimes i fear that if i'm fully out i won't get to participate in the glory of God. but to me, like my autism, God made me this way for "the glory of the Kingdom", so that people could see God through me and so that He'll be glorified.

i also have felt, while praying the rosary with my dad, more masculine and like my breasts didn't exist sometimes. i try to get close to God, albeit i fail and i forget (we're all human, after all).

however, i don't know what to think about medical transition/ my body. for on one hand, God made me this body, so why should I change God's design? He made me a female man, and so my body should express that, right? but i also think of that classic quote "God made me trans for the same reason He made grapes but not wine and wheat but not bread, so humanity could participate in the act of creation" and think maybe my body should reflect more what God made me to be. i'll pray about it later cause i'll admit i haven't thought about it much.

i think that's all i have to say about my experience as a trans catholic. i might post more about it on my blog when i remember more.