Attempting to afford staff thin loincloths of dignity to cover the tumescent phallus of mandatory social necessities during a season otherwise nauseous with tinsel and rank goodwill, it was by consensus decided the Ansus Ltd office Kris Kindle gifts would be submitted anon. All presents were placed in Santa's bag for life, wrapped but notated simply in the least idiosyncratic characters the signer could conjure, stating only the recipient's name.
Nobody likes buying gifts for colleagues; make it anonymous, let none feel guilt over their thoughtless shy-of-a-tenner tat was the thinking, doubtless a seed planted in the fallow fields of the average HR mind by that month's highlighted Medium article.
For Declan Fopa, the goodwill season quickly spoiled like eggnog on the Inca trail. His innocent gesture, pure as a cherub's titter, was first stripped of context then sullied beyond recognition. For Declan, context was key. Without proper context, any situation could be framed to besmirch any participant regardless of intention, which again he assured himself, and later police, was pure as lambs freezing in driven snow. He purchased that gift months prior to finding out what they found out and had Amazon receipts to prove it (soon to be deleted).
Besides, the gift was submitted anonymously. Declan would continue to claim he never bought it. Double besides, nobody could prove with certainty that deviancy was in the purchaser's mind, whoever that may be - Declan made damn sure of that.
You see, Barbara in HR always complained that the cheap office paper hadn't premade binding holes. Knowing holidays were looming, Declan Fopa attentively purchased a hole-punch, giftwrapped it and secreted it safely away.
It was only when Barbara accidentally sexted the work chat that the gift adopted its sordid aspect. Suddenly, now that Barbara had publicly declared her longing for lover Fernando to ‘fist her back in time' that a hole-punch seemed an ill-conceived, even malicious, gift.
Next hearing is the first Thursday after Christmas. Declan says there isn't a chance they'll prove anything.
