#alcholism

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Melissa had been giddy all day about the upcoming game, talking all through lunch about what she hoped would happen. You listened with a smile, relishing in the happiness that seemed to spread from her. She and Gregory had fallen into a debate about the most recent games when the bell rang. You were gathering your stuff when Melissa scooped it up for you. 

Adding it to her pile, she grinned at you, “I’ll walk you to class, baby.”

You laughed, “Is this how I would have gotten treated if we had met in high school?”

“Oh absolutely,’ Melissa explained, “I would have changed my whole class schedule just to be with you. We would have gone to all the football games, too so I could have shown you off. Everyone would have been jealous that all my attention was only for you. I would have had you wear my softball varsity jacket so the whole school would have known you were my girl.”

You blushed, “You never would have liked me in high school, Mel. I was a classic nerd who stayed in the library at lunch to read. I would have died before going to a football game.”

“There is no way that I could have not been attracted to you. I am going to find you in every lifetime,” Melissa smiled as your cheeks turned even redder, placing your stuff on your desk, “Plus, today we are going to see football together. Right?”

“Absolutely, I wouldn’t miss it for the world Angel,” You leaned in to give her a gentle kiss, “Now get to class before you are late.”

The older woman laughed, “I love you, baby. See you at my place after school.” 

-~-

Your car pulled into Melissa’s driveway, and your hand tightened around the steering wheel. You hadn’t been back since that day Melissa had begged you to give her a chance on the front lawn. You could still see her there, hungover and on her knees, begging for your forgiveness. You had given it easily, knowing that it was putting yourself back at risk, but sometimes forgiving people was the easy part. It was the part that came after, the rebuilding, that took the most effort. Taking a deep breath, you stepped out of the car and walked up the stairs. Before you could even knock on the door, Melissa threw it open. She was dressed in simple black leggings with an Eagles pullover. In her hands was an Eagles jersey that she stuck out to you. 

“This jersey is gonna look great on you,” Melissa beamed, “Come inside, I just have one last thing I need to finish up.”

You peered past her to the kitchen, and your body went cold. Memories of glass shattering and Melissa yelling started to send a shiver down your spine. You worked desperately to push the anxiety down before she could notice. You shook your head lightly, “I can wait out here, Mel. It is a nice day, and I want to soak up as much sun as I can.”

 Melissa paused like she was about to say something, but then continued, “Okay baby, I will be right out. I promise.”

She disappeared back into the house, and you sat on the bench after you pulled on the jersey over your shirt. It hung loose around your shoulders and you were immediately swallowed by Melissa’s distinct smell. It brought comfort and an ache to your heart. You leaned your head back against the window, closing your eyes. At one point, this place had felt like home. A place that you could finally settle in and let yourself heal.  You could imagine your things crowding around Melissa’s. Your books being crammed in every single open place. Your clothes mixed in with Melissa’s, and your legs tangled in hers every night. But now? Even being on the porch felt painful. 

“Baby, I am ready to go,” Melissa said softly, sitting next to you, “When your sister comes, we can do dinner at your place…”

“No,” You said immediately, “We are going to have it here, I want to have it here. I promise.” Melissa could have argued, but she only nodded as you placed the keys in her hand. You kissed her on the cheek, “Come on, my love. We have a game to go watch.”

-~-

“Schemmenti!” The guy at the snack booth yelled when you got to the front of the line, “I haven't seen you in months! Still want your usual?”

You knew her usual without even asking- 2 16oz beers, a soft pretzel, and a shot of under-the-counter whiskey to start. Melissa’s hand twitched by her side, and you went to grab it, but you stalled. Melissa and you had been publicly affectionate before, but not somewhere nearly this crowded or filled with toxic masculinity. You let your anxiety coat you and curled into yourself. She noticed the movement out of her eye as we stepped up to the counter. 

“Changing it up today,” Melissa smiled, then grabbed your waist, pulling you to her side. She kept her hand protectively on your hip, “My girl has never seen a football game, so we are going all out on food for our first round.”

“You snagged a gorgeous girl Schemmenti,” The man nodded with approval, “You got a sister? Mom? Aunt? Grandma even?”

You chuckled as Melissa rubbed your side reassuringly. She ordered nachos, cheesesteaks, pretzels, and a basket of wings. Once she paid, you waited off towards the side, but Melissa never once took her hand away from you. You turned towards her, scanning her face gently. She was still full of childhood excitement, but her eyes scanned the crowd with practiced caution.

“Mel, I'm really sorry. I forgot how big drinking was in football and…”

Her eyes locked on yours as she pulled you in, her hands sliding into the back pockets of your jeans, “Baby, this is the best present ever. Don't start apologizing for it. I'm scanning the crowd to make sure none of these asshats are coming to steal my girl.  I don't need to drink. Especially not when I know you are going to ask a million questions about what is happening. I will have plenty to keep me busy.”

“Well, you are the best teacher in Philly, so you might make a football fan of me after all,” You responded and placed a gentle kiss on her lips. Before you realized it, the words slipped out of your mouth, “I love you Angel.”

Melissa’s smile grew as she wrapped her arms around you. She was kissing you on the cheeks and forehead until you were laughing hysterically, “I love you so much, baby. I love you so much. I love you.”

Just then, her number was called, and she walked up to gather the food. She was loading up her drinks onto the large tray when the worker leaned in, “I put some of your usual whiskey into the bigger drink. Just cause your girl doesn't want you to drink doesn't mean you have to listen.”

Melissa only smiled before turning back to you with any response stuck in her throat. She should have just admitted she was sober now, but admitting it to herself was one thing; admitting it to other people was a struggle. You walked shoulder to shoulder through the crowd as the older woman’s thoughts raced. It would be so easy to take a sip from the drink. Let the soda and alcohol mix together and settle in her stomach. To feed the monsters that had been raging since she approached the stadium. But when she looked at you and the way you glanced around, wide-eyed at all of the things Melissa had grown up with, she couldn't do it. Couldn't betray the trust she was just getting back. She stopped by a trash can, her hand wrapping around the drink. She brought it close to her as if the smell alone would appease her, but she stopped herself as it was inches from her face. She dumped it into the trash, throwing the other one with it. It wasn't worth the risk.

“Mel what are you doing?” You asked confused.

Melissa adjusted the tray to hand you a twenty-dollar bill, her hand shaking, “Can you go up to that booth and get us two new sodas? He put alcohol in mine at the last one, and I… I am afraid they all will do it. I used to get drunk all over this stadium, and most of them know me. They would slip alcohol in anything I was drinking without having to ask.”

She expected anger or irritation to cross your face, but your expression only softened. You promised to be right back and kissed her cheek before leaving. She watched you mix into the crowd and return moments later with two sodas in hand. You smiled and encouraged her to guide the way. You fell into step once again beside her until you settled in your seats. As soon as you were sitting and the tray was set up, Melissa had one hand clutching your thigh, partly to show everyone that you were hers but also to ground herself back into the moment.

As the game began, Melissa was out of her seat more often than she was in it. Screaming at the players and the refs, swearing in Italian and English with every other breath. Cheering on good plays while booing when the other team caught the ball. You could have watched the game, but mostly you watched her. Laughing as her cheeks got red and she jumped up and down in her heeled boots. You were fascinated by her explanations of the games and tried to listen along. But when she questioned you on it, you only smiled and shrugged as you remembered nothing. This made her giggle and shake her head every time, but she kept explaining it to you anyway.

 You weren’t here for the game, only for her and to see how she shone in places she loved. In fact you hated crowds of people, and as the game continued into the final quarter, you were at your limit. You were jumpy, and the drunker people got the closer you clung to Melissa. It didn’t take her long to notice your discomfort, and she grabbed your hand, gently leading you up the stairs to inside the cool stadium. The crowd was less inside, allowing you to breathe for a moment before Melissa led you to a hidden spot underneath a staircase. She dropped her hands to your hips, pulling you in close to her. 

“Mel,” You protested, “We are going to miss the game.”

“I don’t give a shit about the game, baby. You are overwhelmed. Talk to me,” She replied, one hand running down your back gently.

 “It’s a lot of people,” You admitted shyly, “I really thought I could do it but… I think my peopling ability has reached its max for the day.” 

Melissa laughed as you leaned your head against her chest, “Then let’s get out of here.”

“No Mel, we don’t have to go,” You said, even though a part of you was relieved to hear that she would willingly leave early, “This was your gift, I am not going to ruin it.”

“My gift is being here with you. I don’t care about leaving early, all I want is to be with you,” Melissa reassured you, kissing your forehead gently, “Let’s go back to your house, throw on some shitty 1 star movies that we can make fun of, and have some food that won’t cost an arm and a leg.”

You hugged her to you, “Are you sure I am not being a party pooper?”

“No…I need out of here too,” Melissa admitted, “Too many bad memories live in this place, and I think I have reached my limit too.”

You hugged her one more time before she led you out into the hall. There were only about ten minutes left in the game, and you stopped at one of the TVs by the entrance, “Mel, let’s finish the game here.”

Melissa smiled as she pulled your back flush against hers. Draping her arms protectively over your waist, she gently rested her head against your shoulder. Her red hair fell around your shoulders, and you relaxed into her. The next ten minutes flew by in the comfort of her arms and with the crowd far out of sight. When the time finally elapsed, Melissa held your hand, and you were out the door before people started to flow out of their seats. You walked shoulder to shoulder as you navigated the streets of Philly back to the secret spot Mel had parked. She pulled out onto the street, navigating through the crowds with little traffic resistance. The drive was silent until Melissa’s anxious voice called out. 

“Do you think we could go back to your place? I don’t want to be alone. I don’t think I can be alone.”

It was a whispered confession, like she couldn’t believe she had admitted it out loud. You placed a gentle hand on her thigh, “Of course Angel, take us home.”

There was a flutter in Melissa’s heart as she heard the words home. All she wanted to do was to build a home with you. To be able to hold you in her arms every night and wake up with your snores filling the room. That dream had once seemed so close, but now you were too terrified even to set foot in her house. It broke Melissa’s heart to realize how close and far her dreams had become. The monsters were beginning to crawl their way back into her thoughts. She was broken between the dreams she had shattered and the fact that a huge part of her had wanted to take that drink and never look back. She attempted to push it away as she pulled up to your apartment. 

Once inside, Melissa and you changed into comfortable clothes, but you stayed in the Eagles jersey. Melissa was sprawled on the couch, pulling you on top of her. You fell into her with a peel of laughter. She clung to you, kissing your forehead gently as you relaxed into her. Her hands ran gently up and down your back underneath the shirt, the feel of your skin calming her further.

“You looked damn good in this jersey,” She mused, tracing lazy lines up your spine. 

You shivered involuntarily, and her fingers only stalled for a moment before they began again. You leaned up to kiss her jawline, “Of course, I look good in it, it’s yours.” 

Melissa hummed, “Next time we watch the game at home with you in that jersey and us cuddling on this couch.” 

“That sounds like a dream,”  You smiled but paused, “Are you sure you okay Mel?”

“Yeah, I just…being sober is a struggle some days. More than I realized,” Melissa admitted, holding you closer, “But being with you makes it easier.”

“I love you, Melissa,” You said, and this time it wasn’t an accidental slip. 

-~-

Dear YN,

You said it today. You love me.  I can’t believe it. The first time you said it, I felt like my heart was going to burst. It slipped out of you like you were so used to saying it that it had become second nature. Which is when I realized that you have been saying it this whole time. You may not have said it, but you showed me through your actions and how you cared for me. Ever since the first day we became friends, you have treated me like someone special to you. Going above and beyond even when I didn’t deserve it. You have always loved me, even before I realized I was in love with you. I am trying not to get caught up in my mistakes and the way that every day I ache for a drink. Just something to numb all of these feelings I have all the time. But looking at you curled in my lap, clutching onto me like I may disappear, makes me realize no matter how loud the monsters get, I can’t give in. I can’t lose you. Not again. I love you Y/N… and one day we are going to build a life together. I promise. 

Your future wife

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