Oct 24, 2022
One of my biggest mistakes was to trust you over and over again, wrong doings after wrong doings.
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One of my biggest mistakes was to trust you over and over again, wrong doings after wrong doings.
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One of the bravest things I have ever done was to love again as if I was never been hurt before, but I guess being brave was not enough. Because I have to be strong to run away this time, saving myself from the intense feeling of affection I hate to call love.
âDo you know the saddest thing about us?â She asks, looks down at the pebbles she plays with her sneakers.
âIf I tell you to leave you would gladly stay away, no questions ask. And in a week or two, you can move on easily.â She continues and picks up some pebbles and throws one at the lake.
âI envy you for that. You can leave any time. You can forget everything. You can forward without looking back. And I wish I could do the same, throw everything we had like these pebbles in my hand. How itâs so damn easy to throw these pebbles because it has no use. Because it meant to throw away.â She trembles with too much emotion but controls it.
And she adds, âI would do anything just to be you when it comes to our relationship; cold-hearted, uncaring, and most of all detached. So I wouldnât be the one who will cry in the end, who will be the wrecked one, who will be the one who doesnât know what to do just to move forward, and who will be left behind with nothing but pain in her heart. I donât want to be the weak one, but truth be told, I am the weak one. I hold on to us, or should I say the idea of us. I am still holding our rope for the both of us since you stop holding it a long time ago, itâs as if I was the one who tied you with that rope when in the first place both of us weaved it around us, but what had happened when suddenly it was kind of tied at your neck and I was pulling it? I donât know what happened to us, the more I hold on to the rope the more chance of you getting suffocated, but when I let the rope go I will probably descend into oblivion. But you know what, whatever wish I would do, I will never be you. I am not cold-hearted nor uncaring nor a detached person. And I will not be. I will not hold and pull the rope anymore. I will set you free from our rope. And I would rather choose to fall behind than to see you suffering. Thatâs the difference between us, I will choose you over me. I will always choose your sake over me, but you cannot do the same. You will never do the same.â
I think the reason why I hate you is the fact that I couldnât really hate you. Too confusing, isnât it? For all the things that youâve done to break my heart, for all the pains that you gave me, for all the tears that you brought to my eyes, for all the promises youâve taken for granted, for all the sorrys youâve said without meaning and sincerity, for all the times you made me wait and made me feel pathetic, for all those things, why is it so hard to hate you when I have every reason to? I should have hate you, but I couldnât. I donât think itâs because I love you. I donât know. All I know is that when it comes to you, the word hate disappears in my vocabulary.
For others, they might think her love is so stupid, because she chooses to love giving her all, her commitment, her trust, and yes, her future. Why? Because relationship to her is not a game, it is not a trial and error that she would throw away easily whenever her plans donât work or it wouldnât go well. Because relationship to her is not a past time, it is not like a late night watching television that you can turn on and off or change channels whenever you feel like. Because she doesnât want to live with all those fucking regrets, again. For not doing this and that because of that so-called pride. And because she doesnât want to live with so many could have been and might have been anymore.
Is she a damned martyr? She doesnât know. But thatâs what she knew thatâs what she does thatâs what she is. Sheâs done with her endless goodbye (she said goodbye because he made her feel so tired), but keep coming back anyway (heâs always a part of her she canât let go). She doesnât want to ignore him anymore when all she wants is to be near him and to be with him (though he makes a distance and walls that keep him apart from her). And sheâs done with all those petty things (or her simple requests) that come their way. Yet, heâs giving her a hard time (making her feel so tired and neglected even more).
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Every time the two of them has a chance to talk about their future, he always wonders why she easily agrees to every plan he suggests. He always asks her why she said yes, from a day with him to a lifetime promise. And sheâs hurt for every whys he has. Sheâs hurt for every time he wonders. Itâs as if heâs not believing in her. Itâs as if heâs not serious about everything theyâve talked about, for everything theyâve gone through, for every conversation they have had to start their lifetime together. For every whys, for every question thatâs troubled his mind, for every doubts he has in her, the answers are very simple. She wouldnât waste her time on him if sheâs not serious about what they have. She wouldnât allow him to enter her life if sheâs not ready to be with him. She wouldnât let him see her vulnerability if those things were all lies. And sheâs not the one who just play around.
And yes, she understands he is more fragile than her in so many ways for the moment, but it still hurt her when they were that close to the things they wanted, but then he holds back and laugh at it as if itâs not a serious matter. But she will understand him for being who he is, even if she couldnât.
If missing comes in waves, right now I am drowning. If missing goes as rain, this moment it is pouring. If missing is a wind, Iâm experiencing hurricane.
I miss you, - J
If every time you ask her would it be wrong to talk to her because you had failed past with her and youâre obviously happy, and if she ever answered you yes, perhaps you talk no more. And thatâs so sad.
Youâd eventually stop talking to her because itâs your easiest way out and thatâs fine with her. Sheâs tired of keeping people who want to leave anyway. Sheâs tired to keep on holding on. Youâre free to do what you want. You are free to go. You wouldnât ask her about it if it isnât what you wanted, if you still want a connection with her.