Oct 24, 2022
One of my biggest mistakes was to trust you over and over again, wrong doings after wrong doings.
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One of my biggest mistakes was to trust you over and over again, wrong doings after wrong doings.
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One of the bravest things I have ever done was to love again as if I was never been hurt before, but I guess being brave was not enough. Because I have to be strong to run away this time, saving myself from the intense feeling of affection I hate to call love.
“Do you know the saddest thing about us?” She asks, looks down at the pebbles she plays with her sneakers.
“If I tell you to leave you would gladly stay away, no questions ask. And in a week or two, you can move on easily.” She continues and picks up some pebbles and throws one at the lake.
“I envy you for that. You can leave any time. You can forget everything. You can forward without looking back. And I wish I could do the same, throw everything we had like these pebbles in my hand. How it’s so damn easy to throw these pebbles because it has no use. Because it meant to throw away.” She trembles with too much emotion but controls it.
And she adds, “I would do anything just to be you when it comes to our relationship; cold-hearted, uncaring, and most of all detached. So I wouldn’t be the one who will cry in the end, who will be the wrecked one, who will be the one who doesn’t know what to do just to move forward, and who will be left behind with nothing but pain in her heart. I don’t want to be the weak one, but truth be told, I am the weak one. I hold on to us, or should I say the idea of us. I am still holding our rope for the both of us since you stop holding it a long time ago, it’s as if I was the one who tied you with that rope when in the first place both of us weaved it around us, but what had happened when suddenly it was kind of tied at your neck and I was pulling it? I don’t know what happened to us, the more I hold on to the rope the more chance of you getting suffocated, but when I let the rope go I will probably descend into oblivion. But you know what, whatever wish I would do, I will never be you. I am not cold-hearted nor uncaring nor a detached person. And I will not be. I will not hold and pull the rope anymore. I will set you free from our rope. And I would rather choose to fall behind than to see you suffering. That’s the difference between us, I will choose you over me. I will always choose your sake over me, but you cannot do the same. You will never do the same.”
I think the reason why I hate you is the fact that I couldn’t really hate you. Too confusing, isn’t it? For all the things that you’ve done to break my heart, for all the pains that you gave me, for all the tears that you brought to my eyes, for all the promises you’ve taken for granted, for all the sorrys you’ve said without meaning and sincerity, for all the times you made me wait and made me feel pathetic, for all those things, why is it so hard to hate you when I have every reason to? I should have hate you, but I couldn’t. I don’t think it’s because I love you. I don’t know. All I know is that when it comes to you, the word hate disappears in my vocabulary.
For others, they might think her love is so stupid, because she chooses to love giving her all, her commitment, her trust, and yes, her future. Why? Because relationship to her is not a game, it is not a trial and error that she would throw away easily whenever her plans don’t work or it wouldn’t go well. Because relationship to her is not a past time, it is not like a late night watching television that you can turn on and off or change channels whenever you feel like. Because she doesn’t want to live with all those fucking regrets, again. For not doing this and that because of that so-called pride. And because she doesn’t want to live with so many could have been and might have been anymore.
Is she a damned martyr? She doesn’t know. But that’s what she knew that’s what she does that’s what she is. She’s done with her endless goodbye (she said goodbye because he made her feel so tired), but keep coming back anyway (he’s always a part of her she can’t let go). She doesn’t want to ignore him anymore when all she wants is to be near him and to be with him (though he makes a distance and walls that keep him apart from her). And she’s done with all those petty things (or her simple requests) that come their way. Yet, he’s giving her a hard time (making her feel so tired and neglected even more).
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Every time the two of them has a chance to talk about their future, he always wonders why she easily agrees to every plan he suggests. He always asks her why she said yes, from a day with him to a lifetime promise. And she’s hurt for every whys he has. She’s hurt for every time he wonders. It’s as if he’s not believing in her. It’s as if he’s not serious about everything they’ve talked about, for everything they’ve gone through, for every conversation they have had to start their lifetime together. For every whys, for every question that’s troubled his mind, for every doubts he has in her, the answers are very simple. She wouldn’t waste her time on him if she’s not serious about what they have. She wouldn’t allow him to enter her life if she’s not ready to be with him. She wouldn’t let him see her vulnerability if those things were all lies. And she’s not the one who just play around.
And yes, she understands he is more fragile than her in so many ways for the moment, but it still hurt her when they were that close to the things they wanted, but then he holds back and laugh at it as if it’s not a serious matter. But she will understand him for being who he is, even if she couldn’t.
If missing comes in waves, right now I am drowning. If missing goes as rain, this moment it is pouring. If missing is a wind, I’m experiencing hurricane.
I miss you, - J
If every time you ask her would it be wrong to talk to her because you had failed past with her and you’re obviously happy, and if she ever answered you yes, perhaps you talk no more. And that’s so sad.
You’d eventually stop talking to her because it’s your easiest way out and that’s fine with her. She’s tired of keeping people who want to leave anyway. She’s tired to keep on holding on. You’re free to do what you want. You are free to go. You wouldn’t ask her about it if it isn’t what you wanted, if you still want a connection with her.