An example of uncomfortable and subtle male dominance
 Today on my way to Grand Central an older man came up to me while I was waiting for the 2. He mentioned that he had seen me on the bus and I confirmed that. He continued to talk to me, asking me questions about where I lived, commenting how he thought I was so beautiful when he first saw me, in fact he made sure to compliment me multiple times on my looks (âyouâre so fucking beautifulâ, etc) despite my awkwardness during the interaction. He proceeded to follow me on the train, even mentioned later that he got off the 1 specifically to follow me and talk to me; he had no other reason for switching trains. While on the train he stood very close and kept leaning in to further close that distance, I found myself trying to shift myself away incognito. We had an awkward chat just about him, me stressing that I just wanted to get on my train, him telling me that Iâm beautiful. At one point he took my hand to try and hold it, I told him I wasnât comfortable with it and Iâm pretty sure he was going to try to kiss me on the train. When I finally got off, he followed me off and all the way to the Times Square shuttle. Again, he stood close, said âI think we look good together, what do you thinkâ, kept saying that I should call him, etc., and I kept saying that I just wanted to get on my train and that I didnât know him well enough and had to think about it. At one point I asked him, âwhat if we didnât agree on anything? What if you didnât actually like me?â (I have a feeling we wouldnât agree on many things). He insisted that was why he wanted to take me out and have a good time, alluding to us going out as we might be friends but most likely end up in a relationship. He said that physically he was interested/attracted and that seemed to be a good enough explanation that we would get along. He asked if he could touch my hair. This is the first time I have ever felt uncomfortable with the idea of someone touching my hair or asking me if they could and I realized that it is because his wanting to touch my hair was an act of voyeurism and ownership over my body. As I left, he hugged me twice and kissed me on the cheek twice (and would have kissed me on the lips had I not pulled away).
This is an example of a seemingly benign encounter that holds the subtext of male dominance over an interaction. While he probably felt that he was being smooth, charming, and simply complementing me by telling me how beautiful he thought I was and how he was interested in having a relationship with me, the idea that I had no desire to engage with him did not cross his mind once. I was not overtly rude, I was fairly polite, but my body language was fairly tense, I avoided eye contact, leaned away from him, and dropped other hints that I wasnât ok with how our interaction was going (âThat makes me uncomfortableâ, âI donât know you well enoughâ, âI just want to get to my trainâ, âIâm a student, Iâm very busyâ). If I had explicitly said âNoâ, would he have disengaged? Would he then just have labeled me as an ungrateful bitch for not taking a compliment? To me, situations like this are difficult to navigate because I understand that in some form he has good intentions; he thinks Iâm attractive and is taking a risk to tell me and get to know me better. While I think there is nothing wrong with that and respect people who do take such risks (sometimes Iâm even flattered), it is the unspoken conversation between us that makes this encounter problematic. Despite his ardent interest in me, he never actually took my feelings into account and consider that I didnât want to be touched or that I think itâs total bullshit that you think Iâll want to have sex with you because you said you find me attractive. He was not terribly rude and I did not want to be rude either. I feel us women commonly find ourselves in uncomfortable situations as these where we do not want to be outright rude, because rudeness would be undeserved, but it is annoying and we do not have the safety or space to express our discomfort or annoyance because even that would be seen as âcoldâ or âungratefulâ. Another part of it is my own fear of saying no to someone, particularly a man. I work to break myself of this fear, but still find it difficult to not protect a manâs feelings at the expense of my own. Underneath wanting to protect his feelings, there is also the fear of how he will react if I explicitly deny him. I didnât particularly feel in danger, but there is always that fear, that slight chance, that he might lash out against me, physically or verbally and I simply donât know. Knowing the entitlement that many men feel over women, that this man expressed over my personal space and body, how do I know he wonât react violently towards my rejection?
I am not trying to blow this interaction out of proportion or rant and rage against this man. I simply want to call to attention the subtle ways men can dominate women in ways that superficially sounds harmless, but feed into a greater system of misogyny and influence future dynamics between men and women. In our society, no action is apolitical and I believe it is important to deconstruct and analyze situations that generate discomfort in order to understand the function of systemic oppression and actively work against it.