#helms keep

Haldir: jesus christ i can’t do this

Haldir: I quit

Haldir: these are the elves and we came here to fight and stuff

Legolas: *sucking Gimli’s dick* mmh

Gimli: ahem

Legolas: what

Gimli: the elves came to help us

Legolas: no elf is coming until you come first

Legolas: in my mouth

Legolas: for the third time today

Legolas: not the last time I hope

Gimli: there’s going to be a battle very soon

Gimli: we could die

Legolas: SO WHAT

Legolas: will you not find me among the corpses and fuck my cold, dead body?

Gimli: if you want

Gimli: what if I’m dead

Legolas: then I will find you and—

Haldir: jesus christ what the fuck

Legolas: guys, go and find a wall and climb it

Legolas: this might take a while

Legolas: *continues to lick Gimli’s dick*

Haldir: what the fuck

Aragorn: take it easy, Hal

Aragorn: you weren’t here for the last eighteen times they did it in front of everyone

Aragorn: we had to lead women to the caves so they weren’t corrupted even more

Haldir: what the f—

Haldir: what do you mean „even more”

Haldir: do I even want to know

Aragorn: I don’t think so

Haldir: jesus fuck

The orcs: WHOOOOOOO

Haldir: now this fucking crowd

Haldir: noone can behave anymore

Aragorn: *trying to unzip Haldir’s pants*

Haldir: what the hell are you doing

Aragorn: offering you a relief

Haldir: oh for fuck sakes

Haldir: leave me alone

Aragorn: *touching Haldir’s dick*

Aragorn: are you sure

Haldir: yes

Haldir: no

Haldir: will you suck my dick

Aragorn: *jerking him off*

Aragorn: I thought you might wanna

Haldir: no

Haldir: no no no no nononono

Aragorn: okay *continues to jerk him off*

Haldir: oh for fuck sakes

Haldir: just this one

Haldir: *takes Aragorn’s dick to his mouth*

Aragorn: ahhh

Gimli: *arriving*

Gimli: I see you found yourself a blonde cocksucker too

Aragorn: shh

Aragorn: she’s shy

Haldir: WH—

Aragorn: *petting Haldir’s hair* shhh, baby

Aragorn: it’s fine

Aragorn: it’s all gonna be fine

Haldir: gggGH

Gimli: I thought this was lady Eowyn

Aragorn: say whaaat

Aragorn: why would you say that

Gimli: she seems to be fond of you

Aragorn: I didn’t notice

Haldir: ghh

Aragorn: it’s okay, sweetheart

Aragorn: now everyone shush

Aragorn: I want to cum before the shitstorm begins

King Theoden: so quiet

King Theoden: what’s that noise?

Gamling: uhm

King Theoden: what

Gamling: some elf is sucking Aragorn’s dick

King Theoden: Legolas?

Gamling: no, sir

Gamling: the one that arrived today

King Theoden: I decided to ignore this and focus on the battle

Gamling: okay

Haldir: GLG GLG GLG

King Theoden: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

The orcs: WOOOHOOOOOOO

King Theoden: so they came

Gamling: no, sir

Gamling: they still be doing that

King Theoden: THE ORCS

King Theoden: THE ORCS CAME

Aragorn: AHHH

Haldir: *coughs and gulps*

Gamling: and so does Aragorn, sir

Aragorn: get yourself together, babygirl, the orcs are here now

Haldir: jesus fuck now let me just get it together

Gimli: *gives him a tissue*

Haldir: thanks

Gimli: I always have them

Gimli: Legolas thinks he can swallow it all too but…

Gimli: it’s better to wipe it before it dries and leaves a stain

Haldir: *wipes cum from his chin*

Haldir: *sigh*

Gimli: I’m gonna need this tissue back

Haldir: what

Gimli: i reuse it

Haldir: WHAT

Gimli: it dries in my pocket and then I crumple it when it’s too… stiff

Haldir: *sigh*

Haldir: *to the orcs* OH JUST COME HERE AND KILL ME ALREADY!!!

The orcs: WOOOOOOO!!!!

King Theoden: maybe I should suck a dick too

Gamling: …sir?

King Theoden: to get into the battle mode

King Theoden: this guy just sucked a dick and now he seems so ready

Gamling:

King Theoden:

Gamling: *slowly unzips his pants*

King Theoden: *looks at Gamling*

Gamling: *bites his lower lip, nods*

King Theoden: I’ll pretend that I didn’t see it

Gamling: uh, sir?

King Theoden: for fuck sakes man, zip it

Gamling: I can’t now, sir

Gamling: too stiff now

King Theoden: ah for fuck sakes

King Theoden: I want this shitshow to end asap

The orcs: WOOOOOOO

King Theoden: yeah, wooo

King Theoden: it wasn’t your sidekick that showed you his dick now, was it

The orcs: WOOOOO

King Theoden: tell them to start shooting

Gamling: FIREEEEE

The orcs: WOOOOO

King Theoden: my head starts to hurt

Gamling: oh look

The orcs: *come up with the ladders*

Gamling: my dick is limp again

King Theoden: great news