Terrible

Draco (year 2): poopyhead Potter and his stupid face

Draco (year 3): the worst daily nightmare of wizarding world, that Potter poopyface

Draco (year 4): how can one person be so annoying and smelling so good and feel my body so well

Draco (year 5): I close my eyes and ears so I don’t see or hear Potter but my tongue knows his dick so well

Draco (year 6): every day in this school is a living nightmare until Potter cums inside of me and that’s how I survive it somehow

Draco (year 7): I wear high heels so Potter knows where I am and a collar on my neck with his name on it

Narcissa: *chokes on her vodka*

Andromeda: yep

Narcissa: *coughs*

Andromeda: that too

Narcissa: *clears her throat*

Andromeda: and that too

Narcissa: *humms throatingly*

Narcissa: *groans and growls*

Narcissa: GULP

Andromeda: of course, this too

Andromeda: how could I not

Narcissa: *smacks her lightly*

Narcissa: how dare you drop all of this on me like that!

Andromeda: like what?

Andromeda: casually?

Andromeda: isn’t sex a casual topic for you, Cissy?

Narcissa: *clears throat again*

Andromeda: are you okay, honey?

Narcissa: I am alright now

Narcissa: so he has a massive dick and you blow him

Narcissa: isn’t that great?

Andromeda: I do it but it’s not like my favourite thing to do

Narcissa: *diva gasp*

Narcissa: I start to suspect that you might be NOT my real sister

Andromeda: we’re all so different!

Andromeda: Bellatrix eats my ass, for cryin’ out loud!

Narcissa: I eat Lucius’s ass too, sometimes

Narcissa: if you goodheartedly asked me, I would kindly eat you out as well

Narcissa: because I love you

Andromeda: I know and I appreciate it

Andromeda: but we’re talking apples and oranges here

Andromeda: and Bellatrix is repulsed by sucking a dick

Narcissa: that bitch is seriously fucked up

Andromeda: all I’m saying is that Ted doesn’t push me into it but I want to, you know

Narcissa: make him happy, I get it

Andromeda: yeah

Narcissa: get it in your ass

Narcissa: it makes them crazy

Andromeda: did I mention that his dick is kinda massive?

Narcissa: isn’t your ass already trained by all those years of Bella’s tongue?

Andromeda: yeah but it is like, really big

Narcissa: I know what you need, gimme a sec

Narcissa: *opens her bag*

Narcissa: Lucius and I invented a very powerful elixir

Narcissa: it was supposed to be used on our enemies, but

Narcissa: we figured it’s better to use it for good

Narcissa: well, sort of

Narcissa: also I might have done a little trickery…

Andromeda: what elixir

Narcissa: it shrinks dicks

Andromeda: WHOA

Andromeda: I have a feeling it’s not the whole story

Narcissa: okay so we made a few tweaks and versions

Narcissa: the one for you is shrinking a big dick inside of you to make it less painful, it also lubes it so, you know

Andromeda: okay…

Narcissa: you take it once every half a year and it works wonders

Andromeda: thanks

Narcissa: it was actually Lucius’s brilliant idea and my best work

Andromeda: okay

Andromeda: now tell me the other half of the story

Narcissa: so apparently if you take what’s left after a third boil, add a bit of this and that and mix it with a little vodka it, well

Andromeda: say it!

Narcissa: okay so hear me out

Andromeda: aaargh!

Narcissa: Bella once „overheard” me talking out loud and excitedly to Lucius that we „by accident” invented a cool potion that makes you superfertile

Andromeda: NO

Narcissa: and you know how much she wanted that weirdo to „give her a child”

Andromeda: WHAT DID YOU DO

Narcissa: or was it her, who was supposed to give him a child?

Andromeda: CISSY!

Narcissa: so anyway we made a little potion and poured it into three little flasks

Narcissa: as we know that she is an idiot and could probably fuck it up

Narcissa: she stole all of them

Andromeda: yeah I figured

Narcissa: so long story short his dick will be small, rather limp and leaky… for quite some time

Andromeda: no way

Narcissa: she drank it and made him drink it

Andromeda: no

Narcissa: she told me and admitted it

Narcissa: she actually thanked me for making his dick smaller

Andromeda: how small it is now

Narcissa: for the next eleven months it’s like my ring finger

Andromeda: oh jesus fuck

Andromeda: you’re such a cunt

Narcissa: she was being mean

Narcissa: what was I supposed to do

Andromeda: what does it do to her?

Narcissa: I beg your pardon?

Andromeda: what does it do to her?

Narcissa: she is obsessed with sucking his little limp worm

Andromeda: ain’t you a sweetheart

Narcissa: I wonder how much are they frustrated

Narcissa: I bet she’s daydreaming about sucking his dick

Narcissa: and then she has a moment of clarity and she throws up

Andromeda: maybe that’s why she’s so skinny

Narcissa: if she only eats his leaks and your ass, she’s not getting much of a nutritional value in her… lacking a better word — diet

Andromeda: she’s so grey, she should eat a fruit

Andromeda: at least sometimes

Narcissa: I remember that one time when you put raspberries up your butt for her birthday

Narcissa: that was such a good deed

Andromeda: I also remember me putting an apricot and first thing I couldn’t push it out, and then she almost choked to death on it

Narcissa: yeah that was fun

Narcissa: I remember laughing so hard I peed myself

Andromeda: that too

Andromeda: also you peed on Bellatrix’s face and yelled „it will ease it”

Narcissa: it was a good deed as well, wasn’t it?

Andromeda: it was two hours later when she was finally breathing well again

Narcissa: but I eased that, didn’t I

Andromeda: you relieved yourself for sure

Narcissa: tomato, potato

Andromeda: if you’re good I can show you a picture of my Ted’s cock

Andromeda: *takes out a folded picture from her pocket*

Narcissa: is that a picture of a literal chicken

Andromeda: *hides it again*

Andromeda: no

Narcissa: it was a big chicken, wasn’t it

Andromeda: yes

Narcissa: I can make a potion for a guy to develop a taste in fucking chickens if you want

Andromeda: do I want to know

Narcissa: do you?

Andromeda: I don’t think I do

Narcissa: okay

Three months later

Ted: *reads a Daily Prophet*

Andromeda: any news, honey?

Ted: listen to this: three men suspected of being Death-Eaters and presumed of being involved in four murders have been found…

Ted: this can’t be right

Andromeda: what

Ted: this says that they were found with their dicks somehow jammed into three chickens’ butts

Andromeda: *looks through the window*

Andromeda: I bet they were all from a Voldemort’s inner circle

Ted: how?

Andromeda: I just know

1. A lot of dudes. Just a ton of fucking people from beginning to end of the process.

2. Ancient people weren't stupid, they just figured shit out the same way we do: fuck around until you find out.

3. We're gonna plan this out and it's gonna take ten fucking years, and you will cope.

4. Sticks and string are surprisingly versatile and can be used for a variety of purposes, like moving stuff and making sure things are even and go in the spot you wanted to put them in!

No weekends

Child labor

Slave labor

"The king said to do it"

Rivers love to split at random places. Make sure to include as many splitting rivers as possible.

Speaking of rivers, it's well known that rivers are unaffected by gravity and thus will flow uphill and ignore the terrain.

Mountain ranges are formed by a bored god doodling, and that god is you.

When you place a settlement or city, make sure it's got all of the essentials: A cool landmark it can be named after, a treacherous terrain to banish misfits to, and a source of enemies to threaten the population.

Borders before the industrial revolution were extremely rigid and well defined, so make sure your map reflects that.

A common mistake is trying to imagine underwater geographical features like mountains. But those things don't actually exist. The land is land and the sea is the sea and they have no relation to one another.

What about islands, then? Islands should be placed randomly, like the gods sprinkled some land on the sea.

No continent is complete without a massive forest that's a day's walk from frozen tundras to the north and a sandy hot desert to the south.

What climate could allow for such a combination? We're climate deniers here. Weather is to set the mood, not to design the map.

Don't forget to populate your map with many interesting cultures like: hippie people, working class people, cold barbarians, hot barbarians, and normal people.