Terrible

Neville: I really enjoy these little meetings of ours

Pansy: oh I so adore them, it’s so nice to have all friends together at once

Harry: thanks for including us, guys

Hermione: I love your house

Draco: I’m so drunk

Blaise: when did you manage to get drunk?

Harry and Pansy: Hermione

Hermione: guilty as charged

Neville: since when are you daydrinking?

Hermione: since Mrs Malfoy invites me over to her for some little-little somethings from her wine cellar

Harry: twice a week

Harry: and then they’re scissoring

Hermione: oh, yes

Draco: which I still haven’t approved yet

Hermione: -pending Draco’s approval of course—

Blaise: did you know that Ronald cannot come when he’s drunk?

Ron: and Blaise cannot get hard-hard

Blaise: that is true

Draco: I bet Pansy and Longbottom don’t have no problems of this sort

Hermione: I think they live an excellent life with at least more than satisfactory sexual relationship

Harry: why not excellent as well?

Hermione: who would call a life without anal sex excellent?

Ron: well I used t—

Draco: shut the fuck up ginger

Blaise: uhm—

Harry: ah, yes—

Draco: sexless life, what a nightmare! Harry and I are fucking since—

Hermione: yes, we know since when

Draco: *stabs her under the table with his high heel*

Hermione: ouch!

Draco: don’t you dare interrupt me, you gorgeous whore

Hermione: but—

Draco: *grabs her by the neck and throws her back*

Draco: we are fucking since—

Ron, Blaise, Hermione, Pansy and Neville: year three

Harry: actually…

Draco: it seemed like eternity

Draco: waiting for you to finally understand my signals and love language

Harry: I fucked his ass in my dreams so many times I really have no idea which time was actually the first real one

Pansy and Hermione: aaaaawwww :3

Ron: that’s sick dude

Blaise: don’t say that, it’s cute

Ron: I mean he was so weird we all thought he was into Cho and then into Hermione and even Luna

Luna: Harry was into-into me?

Harry: yeah I loooove cute petite blonde weirdos with long hair and cute butts

Luna: I thought we were just having it casually

Draco: you had it casually

Draco: as he was, is and will die MINE

Draco: give me a cigarette

Ron: here

Draco: light it for me will ya? I am so pissed

Ron: okay okay

Draco: but anyway why aren’t Pansy and Longbottom having anal? It’s only healthy

Neville: well I uhm-

Pansy: Neville and I, uh-

Draco: basing on their stupid face expressions I think—

Pansy: wh—

Draco: so I think they did it, there was a little poopy catastrophe and-

Draco: look at me, Pansy

Pansy: *avoiding his gaze*

Neville: uhm, I, uh—

Draco: I am guessing two… three weeks ago

Draco: it’s nothing to be ashamed of

Harry: yeah there are spells and potions and

Neville: yes but we wanted to have it naturally and

Pansy: let’s not——

Hermione: you gotta eat more fiber

Blaise: I second that

Ron: we use spells, though

Blaise: but I eat a lot of fiber so the spells act as a double safe

Pansy: uhm

Hermione: I don’t care, my ass is magical

Harry: she has a ring-amulet on her neck since year four

Hermione: and my ass is magical

Luna: how magical?

Hermione: very magical

Pansy: ——talk about it…

Draco: I don’t care

Draco: I need to be fucked so often I really don’t care about that stuff anymore

Harry: the spell is my obligation

Draco: I bet it was the same day they had Narcissa’s cheesecake—

Pansy: —a day after—

Draco: —or a day after

Harry: ahh… the famous Narcissa’s cheesecake

Draco: ruining anal since the dawn of time

Hermione: I love that woman

Hermione: I would literally never stop eating her out

Draco: hey

Draco: is there a way for us to not have this conversation?

Neville: you talk about sucking Harry’s dick all the time

Pansy: and then you just do it

Neville: in front of us!

Draco: would you like me to hide it from you?

Harry: here we go

Draco: do you want me to hide the love I am so gladly giving to him? The-

Pansy: Draco, please

Neville: I didn’t mean anyth—

Draco: it all started with this whore! *pointing at Luna*

Luna: me?

Draco: shit

Draco: wait a minute—

Draco: *pointing at Pansy, shaking head, then at Hermione*

Draco: That whore!

Hermione: ah yes, that is true

Hermione: but today I am here with Luna

Draco: she looks exactly like my mom

Luna: thank you

Draco: does she taste so divinely too?

Harry: now whatever else you say, it’s your fault

Draco: what

Harry: you just called your mom’s cat “divine”

Draco: she gave birth to me

Draco: what else would you call it

Harry: smooth

Neville: jesus christ

Hermione: I am kissing her there exactly because of it

Harry: don’t you start with it now

Harry: not you too I mean—

Ron: I am not surprised

Blaise: and I am having a time of my life

Ron: time of your life like yesterday when we fucked so hard your legs couldn’t stop shaking for an hour?

Blaise: almost like that

Draco: dirty faggot show-offs

Harry: it is almost always exactly the same with them

Neville: how about some popcorn, anyone?

Pansy: we have juice too

Harry: jesus Pansy why did you-

Pansy: wha—

Hermione: I love your mom’s juices

Draco: I once called them home

Draco: my smell is her smell

Hermione: can I smell you now?

Draco: do you want to kiss those babygirl lips?

Luna: so did I just now learned that Draco and Hermione are doing it

Harry: are you okay with it?

Luna: *watching Hermione caressing Draco’s dick under the table* *looking at passionate kisses exchange between them* yeah I’m okay

Harry: it’s a delicate matter to both of them

Luna: I can see that

Harry: and they are both drunk

Luna: yeeah

Blaise: so anyway as far as I know if you guys use a lot of lube and not much of a force, you’ll be okay

Ron: he’s talking about anal

Neville: uhm

Pansy: yes, I know that, Ronald, thank you

Hermione: *passionately kissing Draco’s neck*

Harry: in five, four, three, two, one…

Luna: huh?

Draco: I need to suck a dick right now

Harry: bingo

Draco: any dick

Harry: okay *stands up over him*

Draco: *gets sucked off by Hermione, gives head to Harry*

Neville: and now I am glad my grandmother couldn’t come

Pansy: I think she somehow knew it might happen

Luna: I believe that if you told her that Draco was going to come, she’d just—

Neville: *looking at Draco mouth-fucking Harry* *hearing Hermione’s moans from under the table* I wonder if we could ever have a party without people fucking in front of us

Blaise: *getting slowly fingered by Ron* uhm

Ron: yeah these things just keep happening

Harry: they know you two are petting each other since you came here

Blaise: not since we came!

Blaise: because mister thickfinger is also thickheaded sometimes

Ron: I was eating!

Blaise: You could just eat with one hand

Blaise: or I could be feeding you

Ron: let’s save it for when I’m in my nineties

Harry: *comes*

Draco: *comes*

Hermione: *moans*

Blaise: *moans*

Hermione: *comes*

Blaise: whoa!

Ron: too deep?

Blaise: no, not that

Blaise: she just came from sucking Draco’s dick

Hermione: also Luna was petting me with her foot

Draco: *panting* THAT is sick

Harry: so anyway

Hermione: she has pretty little cutie feets

Draco: give me a break

Hermione: almost as pretty as your m—

Draco: I AM NOT LISTENING TO YOUR SNAKE TONGUE

Draco: you forsaken whore

Hermione: geez I’m sorry I love your mother

Harry: he literally just came in her mouth and now he’s despising it for having an opinion

Pansy: classic Draco

Draco: husband, stop mansplaining everyone

Luna: no, Harry, please go on

Luna: I like the live commentary

Draco: “I like the live commentary” how stupid are you, stupid bitch?

Luna: Draco, you are a magnificent, hypersexual being and I adore every bit of you

Draco: :v

Draco: shit she looks like my mom and I was so mean to her

Neville and Pansy: whoa

Draco: *blush*

Hermione: what’s going on

Harry: it’s the post-coital confusion

Draco: what is what?

Harry: this is adorable

Harry: someone please take a picture I will hang it in my office

Neville: *clicks his smartphone*

Pansy: *clicks her smartphone five times*

Hermione: what is going on

Luna: I think it was nargles

Harry: oh no

Ron: shit

Draco: what the fuck is nargles

Harry: aaand we’re back to square one

Draco: do you have some vodka?

Neville: yes *reaches for a bottle*

Neville: as I was saying, I really enjoy these little meetings of ours

Draco: *takes away the bottle from Neville’s hands and starts chugging*

Draco: *lets out a long, nasty burp*

Pansy: ah yes, the smell of vodka and cum

Pansy: this sooo reminds me of Slytherin dormitory

Ron: or the floor in Viktor Krum’s tent

Hermione: yeah

Ron: he fucked you in the ass, didn’t he

Hermione: yeah and the second he came he literally passed out in the puddle of spilled vodka and his own sperm

Luna: oh! I like this word

Ron: what, sperm?

Blaise: I like Ron’s sperm

Pansy: jesus christ

Pansy: can we stop saying “sperm”?

Harry: here we go

Draco: *during one long burp* spe-eeeeerrrrrrr-mmm

Harry: *tired sigh* happy now?

Luna: *dreamy sigh* yes

Pansy: *sarcastic sigh* yes

Hermione: I-

Harry: please

Hermione: are we supposed to stop talking at all?

Draco: Alas! The stupid whore comes to her senses and finally speaks some wisdom

Hermione: thank you

Draco: anyway let’s finish the subject of Mr and Mrs Longbottom having an-

Neville: I was happy when we didn’t talk for a while

Pansy: I was about to say that

Luna: they are so harmonious and unanimous

Draco: I like her

Draco: she speaks my language

Harry: we all speak your language

Ron: huh?

Draco: you gotta repeat yourself, Potter, because orangutan here didn’t get it

Luna: because he’s red and big?

Draco: because he’s an ape

Blaise: my sex-crazed monkey

Draco: you’re too slim for a gorilla, Zabini

Harry: please don’t

Draco: he’s a-

Harry: don’t be racist

Luna: a lemur!

Draco: what the fuck is a lemur?

Hermione: it’s a—

Draco: shut it

Draco: I think we should go home now

Harry: really? Why do you think so?

Draco: the vibe is off

Harry: you mean you’re drunk, you had sex with a girl and a boy, your mother was mentioned, then the slytherin, there was cum mentioned, Blaise is still fingered by Ron and Luna is most likely fingering Hermione under the table or it’s the other way around or both. Is there anything else here that needs to happen for the meeting to conclude?

Draco: *frowns*

Hermione: uh-oh

Draco: *lets out a long, loud, wet fart*

Draco: I think some of your cum just left my body

Neville: and this one’s on you, Harry

Neville: you shouldn’t have asked that question

Draco: Neville’s got a point

Harry: did you just call him “Neville”?

Draco: isn’t this his name?

Pansy: you always say “Longbottom”

Draco: that’s rubbish

Draco: also there’s cum in my panties

Harry: you are not wearing panties

Draco: shit

Draco: there’s cum in my miniskirt

Harry: I think it’s safe to assume that this chair needs some cleaning

Neville: I was going to throw it away anyway

Draco: let’s go

Pansy: it was a pleasure as always

Draco: of course

Draco: especially for the whore here *points at Hermione*

Harry: thanks, guys

Hermione: I am coming too

Pansy: you mean coming, not coming, right?

Hermione: I mean I AM CO—

Luna: *grabs Hermione’s face*

Pansy: okay I get it

Neville: we can play Wizardopoly some other time

*Ron and Blaise apparate with a loud moan and a bang*

Neville: how about I invite my Grandma now

Pansy: how about you fuck my ass with the spell now

Neville: now?

Pansy: oh yeah

Neville: in front of—

*naked Hermione apparates*

Neville: —Luna?

Luna: don’t mind me, I can be your emotional support

Pansy: uhm—

Luna: I can also go outside and search for nargles

Pansy: oh thanks, they’re becoming a real problem outside

Neville: thank you, Luna! Love you!

Pansy: now where were we?

Neville: …damn

Pansy: what

Neville: I don’t know the spell

Pansy: call Harry

Neville: jesus christ okay

Neville: *unflips phone* hey Harry… tell me the spell

Harry: “fecerectumdisplacenta”

Neville: thanks *flips phone*

Pansy: is it “fecerectumdisplacenta”?

Neville: yes!

Neville: how did you know?

Pansy: Draco had it on his collar back in hogwarts

Neville: that’s really considerate

Pansy: his mom has just arrived one day at Hogwarts and gave it to him, and said that he needs to “know how to take care of shit”

Neville: that woman is…

Neville: all I’m saying it is impossible to not adore her

Pansy: I second that

Here’s my another coelacanth vip (I was trying to be funny so it’s rather colourful bc why not)

So anyway recently I’ve been to Copenhagen, Denmark and there’s a porcelain shop called Royal Copenhagen and they have these beautiful specimens on a display :O I talked a little to the staff who were very friendly and helpful and they told me that the coelacanth is about 90,500 DKK (cca $14,000) and we joked about me selling a kidney to afford it.

- ask me things you want to know about me

- why you follow me

- what’s on your mind/what you’re thinking about

- a compliment

- make me choose between two things

- ask for advice

- tell me a secret

- things you associate me with

you are not out of paper

you have so much paper

it’s okay to function as intended

you are not out of ink

i just refilled that cartridge last month

you can connect to that computer you’re supposed to connect to