#hellobutter

It wasn’t a good day for me. I was out of my mood and I felt like we aren’t okay at all. I tried to avoid making conversation with him and I didn’t even talk to him at all. I never looked at him and stopped myself from having conversation with him.

I woke up early as I am having hard time to sleep. I kept on waking up cause my tummy is really upsrt after I had a coffee from Starbucks. I stared at him and he is really sleeping very well. Like he is okay not sleeping next to me and ignored my messages at all. I fell asleep around 2am again and I wish I stayed up all night and just went out to let go of him. I cried the entire night again and questioning my worth and myself again.

I don’t want to cry but I did. My heart felt too emotional and I can’t help myself to cry all the time. I was trying my best to hold up my tears but it keeps on falling each time.

I woke up around 8am as my tummy hurts again and he acted shock again when he saw me and I just ignoree him. After I use the bathroom, I went back to our room and player music there alone. He went upstairs to get the clothes I prepared for him. He didn’t even said thank you for preparing it for him. He packed up his things and he didn’t even asked me even a single things this morning. So, I kept my mood and not talk to him. After he used the room I went up to get my wallet and buy breakfast. He didn’t even asked me to get breakfast or talk to me at all. We all had short talks and it made me feel awkward at all. I played few songs while he was fixing himself in our room and I played a song and he kept on singing it.

I handed him the tuyo that I will give to my friend and he took my paperbag and left our house. I started to fell sad and I feel like he is fine without me and hr can survive without my existence. He will be happy, well and free. He made me feel that I am less important to him. I never seen him an effort even asked me if I am hungry or not.

I knew it but I still have some hopes that at some point I can still have a place in his heart. I never felt enough and important to him. I didn’t see any care from him.

After he left, I fixed the house, prepared my stuff and I left my Christmas gift for him. It was a necklace with Butter’s face and his name. I wrote short letters and I think it will make him think.

It was really a sad day for me. I went to Dade’s house and we had some short talks. He gave me a gift from Miniso at door mat with Panpan’s face. It was so cuuuutecand appreciate it a lot. I used not to get gifts but when someone is sending me one, I never felt more greatful. Even the smallest thing.

He sent me their photos around lunch time but I tried not to comment in to it anymore. I know that he felt it. He never talked to me after that. And it’s okay. I don’t want him to be bother cause I know he is not and I feel like it’s better for me to do this way.

I arrived home afteenoon already and fell asleep. I didn’t do much afterwards and I only ate dinner and took some photos of my necklace as I forgot to get a cake for Butter.

Good night.

Love always,

I was so tired with our talk last night. I felt so tired to the point that I cannot wake up early. I randomly woke up with my daily alarm and just checked my friends and just had a small glance with my baby. 

I kept falling back to sleep cause it feels like I’ve been lacking since day one of 2020. Then, I get out of my bed when I felt hungry. We had longganisa and some kikiams fro brekfast. My brother and I went our for grocery. I also pay the  cake for Butter’s birthday. 

I got the cake and its too cute and I don’t want to ruin it. I am so happy with thr design and how it turned out. Jehan and I sent a cake to my office bff and I had it a surprise for her along with her family. Her Mom even asked me, “Who’s the other guy? Is that his boyfriend?” and I kept on laughing on it. We even have a loveteam, #JehIan. 

We just got few chance to talk and I was asking him to call me but he doesn’t like and kept on laughing at me. He is just trying to annoy me again. I just told him that I am not mad. 

I don’t know to him. 

Anyway, I don’t want to stress myself with him. It’s my baby’s special day today and I want it to be special. 

Good night.

Love Always,

It was my officemate’s birthday today and I am so excited to celebrate with them, the jokes, the ayudas, our surprise, it gives me so much excitement and happiness. We are even throwing jokes in the morning.

Until, Jehan chatted me, “Iyaaan”.

I felt some kind of different vibe already yet I don’t want to think of it unless he continued his response. He sent me a convo of him and his cousin saying that my baby Butter passed away already. He sent me a photo of Butter sleeping peacefully. The night before he died, he sent me videos of Butter, he is looking weak, he is just lying on the floor, inactive, weary and sad. He ate a little only and I prayed for his recovery. I know God took him because he might felt more pain and slowly die. Maybe God doesn’t want to see me crying while knowing that Butter is dying. But, I wish he stayed a little longer, cause, I didn’t even managed to play with him, cuddle with him, buy him bed, send him to the vet, paw him, everything that I should be doing if only I was there. 

Maybe, I can make way to save him. Maybe if I was there I can hug him all night so he knows that I will never give up on him. I feel sad knowing that he died without even seeing him. I kept on crying this morning cause I can’t imagine that he passed away already. It was a sad day.

Earlier, in the light of the heavy feeling, we had a short time party earlier and Jehan and I surprised her and sent her a minimalist cake. Some our close friends, teased us because of the gift. It was a good feeling yet I don’t know if its okay that we are doing those kind of things.

He is so happy as well how Ate Fe’s husband surprise her and her reaction when she received the flowers. And in the back of my head, I am thinking about, will he do that to me too? Will he surprise me too? At the same time, I want to stop myself from believing that there’s a chance. I don’t know, but I still keep on praying for us.

Anyway, it was a rollercoaster of emotion today and I’m still sad about what happened to Butter. :(

Good night.

Love Always,

I wrote a very long message to Jehan stressing that I got jealous. I explained why and I am scared of his reaction then I already said good night. I woke up a little early and got a good morning message from him which he rarely do. He told me that, I told you, I am not yet ready, but once I am, I will be. He is so weird, his words, and actions lately. And he said, I don’t have to be jealous, it was just a friend and that guy is already in a relationship. 

He also added, that he don’t deserves this kind of affection I’ve been showing to him but he said, he is so thankful. 

Earlier, we also decided to buy gift for our friends and it was from us. A minimalist cake and we just shared the payment which usually does by a couple. I was so kilig for that one. He is so kind to me since last night and I am just letting him do his tasks to do this weekend.

Later this afternoon, he asked what time will I go to work. I told him maybe at night around 7PM and I sent him a clip of my funny video singing on the top of my lungs and right after that he sent me a song, a song of Miley Cyrus, I was shocked, it was about losing hope and when she saw that person, it light her way on the way home - When I Look At You. He sung so well unlike I do then, I giggle a little cause I know he can sing other song but he chose that one and I feel like he saw a light in me. I expected a little but I tried not to. *another assumptions again*

“Yeah, when my world is falling apart When there's no light to break up the dark That's when I, I I look at you

When the waves Are flooding the shore and I can't Find my way home anymore That's when I, I I look at you“

..when he said, that when i look at you. He stared at the screen ans seems like looking at me. My expectations are getting high again but I am super happy with this song. ♥

I told him I might be late at 7PM, but he waited me until I arrived. It seems like he will not really ask anything from me cause when I asked him, he just asked few questions and we ended up talking about our day and our plans. He talked about so many stuff and we were laughing about some things about memes, home plans etc. I like this feeling and I hope, we will stay like this. 

He also sent me videos of Butter, his vaccine schedules, etc. Our baby will be okay soon and I am happy that he is there for our baby. 

It was a good day for me. It was a good feeling...

Love Always,

I woke up a little early this morning around 6 o’clock. However, due to sleepiness and tiredness on yesterday’s event. I fell back to sleep and woke up around 10AM. I had a breakfast and go back to my bed cause I really feel unproductive. I watched again You Changed My Life again it feels like I am Laida Magtalas there who just love Miggy Montenegro and up to now, I’m still living in that fairy tale dream that maybe one day I will find my own Miggy soon. 

Earlier, I randomly posted about saying about how they appreciate me and Jehan posted a gif saying i love you. OMG!!! My heart is so full and happy. Even if we are just friends, I’m happy. Even some times, I feel annoyed at him for ignoring me. Sometimes, I am being so moody and I hope and wish that I could see him more often and be with him for more time. 

He is so active in social media lately and had some interactions with me.  I just tried not to fall back a lot on him. I might get hurt again.

PS: He also sent me the photos of Butter earlier cause he went home. He is getting bigger already and I can’t to see him and play with him. I love you, Baby Butter. You will always be my baby and I hope you will stay strong and healthy. See you soon, baby. ♥

Good night.

Love Always,