#hellhouse

Akari joins Gintoki's school. Other students include Kanshichirou, Tamako, and Magic Grow Capsule Takasugi Clone. Hijikata hires Kagura and Shinpachi to investigate Akari's parentage??? I think?? Fun fact, I picked the name 'Akari' because right after the letter exchange at the end of Baragaki Arc, Ginpachi-sensei reads a letter from 'Akari', asking why Hijikata still smokes. This got hitched to my concurrent realization that Gintoki would be a good -- okay, maybe not good, but fitting teacher, and so would Zura, and the Shimuras have their dojo thing. So obviously an interdimensional space-time rift happened there. And does happen.

Gintoki runs his school. Akari's guardianship gradually shifts to Hijikata, because Tae has threatened to kick Sougo's ass if he tries to raise a child by himself. So Gintoki and Hijikata end up spending even more time together.

Then a white-haired child pops up, wearing Naraku clothing. He calls himself 'One'. He tries to assassinate Gintoki. It keeps happening. Assassins start targeting Shinpachi and Kagura, too. A badass/dumbass woman from the future arrives to protect the Yorozuya. She calls herself 'Ibara' but she's clearly an adult Akari. Everyone tries not to think about this. She also keeps slipping and calling both Gintoki and Hijikata variations of 'dad'. They also try not to think about this.

The midpoint??? curveball is that Itou Kamotarou was Akari's father. What the fuck. Well, I read a fic where he and Mitsuba became friends in the afterlife because he reminds her of Hijikata and I thought "yeah that tracks". then i saw the Gintama Festival 2016 art where they sit together sharing hot sauce dango (??) and I went "HAHAHA! WHAT IF I MADE THIS A PROBLEM FOR HIJIKATA?"

Anyway, it turns out Mitsuba and Itou met while Itou was investigating?? the Enmi? after being tipped off by the Kiheitai?? Now remnants of the Naraku are trying to unleash the White Plague??? somehow? But the White Plague nanomachines have a related good counterpart. The good nanomachines need a human incubator; Mitsuba volunteered, but it failed and she got sick.

Gintoki is the perfect candidate because his bloodstream has a high concentration of sugar and alcohol. So in a throwback to the Shogun Assassination Arc, the giant main cast has to protect Gintoki on the way to the Terminal to Do Something, I Guess. Hijikata is the one who plans the whole thing, because Kondou believes he won't make the same mistake twice, and also I want him to suffer.

From here I have no goddamn idea what happens besides how a lot of the dramatic tension arises from how 'One' is a child, so nobody is willing to kill or seriously hurt him. At the climax, 'One' nearly kills Gintoki. Gintoki could gain the upper hand, but he recognizes himself in 'One', so he does self-sacrifice bullshit, Hijikata Big Sad...I think he gives Gintoki mouth-to-mouth? *double-checks notes* Woah, really?