#heirspeak

By like senior year of high school I definitely felt like I wasn’t, ya know, cishet. I assumed it was a sexuality thing, and came out as bi to a lot of friends and my parents before I fully understood what was going on myself. That was a dumb idea. I dated a guy freshman year of college and I found it very difficult to stay invested in the relationship both romantically and sexually. I unsurprisingly was not a good boyfriend. It was rough. But for a number of reasons which I’ll get into later, I didn’t want to write myself off as straight, so I started to think about aromanticism and how that might have explained that relationship.

That was partly true I guess? Cause I’m pretty sure I’m somewhere on the aro spectrum, regardless of gender. As much as I appreciate positivity, it honestly sucks ass because it results in a) not being able to distinguish between romantic and sexual feelings, especially with close friends, b) being much more comfortable with the idea of hooking up with close friends than most people including those I did hook up with, and c) being able to move on much more easily than other people. It results in a bit of a fuckboy streak which I struggle with a lot.

Which I guess loops back to gender identity. Which I still struggle with a lot. Cause on the one hand, I’ve never really fit in with or thought much like “other guys” and when I think about what I would be like if I were born a girl I’m pretty much the same but happier. But those feelings come and go depending on stuff like other stresses in my life and the visibility of facial hair when i look in the mirror. Shit like that. I’ve also been kicking around they/them pronouns and I like it but it feels weird and isolating being the only kid in your class who goes by gender neutral pronouns.

On the other hand, I can’t help but worry that I’m making it all up? And I do think tumblr is to blame somewhat, though hear me out. The constant barrage of posts about how much it sucks to be cishet and how awesome it is to be gay or trans, etc affects me a lot. Now, I do not think that it’s a systemic ~problem~ that needs to change. It helps tons of people overcome hatred outside of tumblr, and I do not fault anyone for doing it. I’m one person, and I’m easily affected by what friends and people I admire think and talk about. And I’m scared that I’m making it all up because I feel bad for being cishet. Which I do, but it could either be because of that or because of legit dysphoria. And I cannot figure out which it is. 

I went shopping for some feminine clothes at Walmart the other night with Ellie, and it was frustrating as hell, though that was mostly because I hate clothes shopping. It was also terrifying and I was constantly freaking out about whether someone would overhear us because hey, transphobia is real as hell. Oberlin is a super accepting school and I’m not too worried about being harassed here, but I do worry about what my close friends would think and I know for a fact that I would be terrified to go out in public back home. It’s scary, and I’m scared that if I do come to the conclusion that I’m trans I’ll have to deal with all that bullshit for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, my sense of self is very much connected to how I look, and I’m super self-conscious about looking good for people. And because of lingering internalized transphobia and fear of very salient public transphobia, I’m scared of “looking trans.” Preferably, I would have been born a cis woman and wouldn’t have to deal with any of this. Which is an awful thing to say, and I hate it. But those thoughts also make me think that there’s something to this. Maybe. 

That didn’t answer your question at all shit. The answer is within like the past year, though it’s part of a struggle I’ve been dealing with since high school.