To whom this may concern: Don't fret, don't overthink, don't cry because all I know is that my feelings for you runs deep than the Marianas Trench, brighter than the constellations of stars combined, certain as night and day and stronger than Paris' will to bring Helen home to Troy. This may be a long due confession and declaration but a declaration nonetheless. I was all right living with myself alone, laughing at my own jokes before hitting send, eating forsaken dinners and dragging myself to the last full show of movies unescorted but by large coke and texan barbecue dips. Though I am aware that something, someone needs to fill up the inexplicable solitude that hits me like a sledgehammer; I was sure that I haven't meet the one yet, that the love story of my life is yet to be told, that all of the people I met was detours toward him, that life and love has been prepping me for him to come. I couldn't be more wrong and that comforted me. The funny thing is life seems to be messing with me because I didn't know I found him already and that after 8 masochistic years, he's still the avalanche that destroys my walls that was once so high, he's still the gravity that pulls me back to sanity and he's still the reason that makes me question why I haven't tried love in life yet. I was holding back in a lot of things; in friendship, life and love, that much is true. I was unbelievably cautious and careful to the extent of people judging me as bromidic and heartless even. I swerved because I know who I am, I know what I want and I know where I stand, but what I didn't know is this: He'll come back for a greater purpose or so he says. My towering concern is his sincerity even up till now. He should've never let me go, he should've fought the dogma of us, the idea of being together under the guidance of the Highest Being. He was unsteady in making me feel I'm worth the effort and time maybe because we were young and naive but that was still a major disenchantment for him so I held him free without knowing how to love and how to be loved. I always believed that I am no one's option and I am no one's plan B, I worked my ass off to be someone's number one and plan A. He justified his absence after all these years and I don't know what to believe anymore because I feel like as if I'm part of his chess game and it's just a matter of time before he'll exclaim "Checkmate!" and I don't want to be on the losing end. The flare that was kindled could shame the burning of Nero, it may have waned and weakened but its as if it didn't depreciate. It was right there all along, just there, unleashing subtle incandescence and allowable warmth just to know that it's there, waiting to be lit again. Now, with a new reborn perception in life, I am ready to dive headfirst.

raindrops trickle down the windowpane of the bus, tracing invisible fractures, fissures of a lost perfection. weathered raptures. the imitation of heartlines. pan to the fractures, the blood spilled, the spaces left between all of us. pan to loss. pan to separation and pan to departure. my fingers follow those lines, pretending to etch outdates maps onto the glass, i'm just trying to sew things back again, with blood and with thread. outside on the road, cars speed by through the downpour. (the quiet things no one sees) let's pan to today: somewhere in this city, i know a-boy-almost-man is praying.

And today’s drama isn’t an exception. Someone whom I thought was long gone turns out to be never gone. We engaged in witty conversation and black hole deep realizations which is a major edge for me because I always wanted to be with the 2am version of themselves (if there is such thing). This someone made me feel weirdly special, my stomach tickled by a hurricane of butterflies and it surprises me that I surprised him about me. But here’s the but…. That someone must leave because the grass is always greener on the other side, future endeavors and life goals should always come first. I know that first hand and life has a habit of constantly reminding me about its weight. I do not know if I’m delusional or if I’ve read the signs wrong but I thought it was a beginning, scratch that, I thought it was THE beginning of something. Before it grew into a grandiose love story (okay, that was way cheesy for me) it was put to rest by the inevitable force of life and by “inevitable force of life” I meant me. I can’t afford to soar my expectations because I’ve had my fair share of disappointments, perchance more than enough. So, before I crash and burn I clung on no more. Maybe life saved me from the counterfactual tangibility of love. Maybe life itself decides that I’m not in the saddle for a serious rapport. Maybe life called the shots that I’m better off alone for a while. Or maybe not. I will never know.

I am so sick and tired of this feeling. No not just pain,depression,loneliness...its one deeper and more indescribable and hard to wrap words around but when you feel it, it's like a fish hook to your heart and keeps tugging at it, a disturbing, stabbing pain that is so forceful you just want it to be over. And we all know this pain and what the cause of it is. Love. But it isn't the love that we all want. No it's the games of love. It's hell itself coming at you and ripping you to shreds and laughing in your face and testing to see just how far you will go to reach the one thing closest to magic. Love. It's a person's soul purpose on this Earth. Every day we search for that one person and every generation this search begins earlier and earlier and life that we don't even have time to search for ourselves anymore. Who are we? Who are you? Ask yourself that. I ask myself this every day. I want to live freely and if freely isn't enough well I don't know what is. I want to be unchained from this electric chair that is holding me back from life and sanity and unleash the monstrous person who we call a teenager out into the world to explore and only worry about me. Is that selfish? Well it is not because in the end you only have you because when that true love does come around, he or she fades, grows old and dies. And you are alone again. So why not embrace being happy and alone. Strive and free yourself well thats an easy answer. Fear. Fear is eating at you, nibbling at you from the inside out. Digging it's claws and fangs into your veins until your purple in the face. Fear will eat you alive and without fear you don't have love and without love you don't have life...well that's bull shit. All bull shit. Happiness. Find it in yourself, it's never too late they say, well they can stop saying anything. Because it can be. Free yourself. Reach past the stars and the undiscovered terrestrial life we all believe is out there. Reach past the heavens and Gods and reach as far as you can, and even if you fall it's okay because you are just reaching as far as your soul can. Reach until you can't reach anymore, until your arms give out. Reach for your life and walk into every door unopened. Because mystery is what keeps you alive. Free yourself. And than one day you can look back and realize you've ran over hell's games with a motorcycle. Zoomed right past it. Reached every goal and now it is time for love. The one that has been right next to you, hovering over you until you are ready. And than your life will begin.