#heartstrings au

Yellow.

Gwen couldn’t really remember anything from when she was young. Her earliest memory was of when she was some four summers old. She had been playing with her older brother and one of his friends in one of the fields surrounding Leon's family’s estate. Her mother had been working all day, that she remembered. Her mother was always working.

Leon had come running towards them, and Elyan had grinned as he called out to him. Gwen had laughed and ran for him. Leon was her absolute favourite person, after all. He knelt down as she reached him and picked her up in a tight hug. Gwen laughed and hugged him back, happy to let him carry her back towards her brother.

“Leon!” Elyan called, bowing his head a little as Leon let Gwen down.

“Elyan. Edric.” Leon inclined his head to both of them and placed a hand on Gwen’s shoulder. “Guinevere. I’m afraid you all need to come back inside at once.”

Gwen frowned. No one called her Guinevere, not unless she was in trouble. “What’s happening?”

Leon looked weird, his smile not sitting right on his face, and the look he sent Elyan made worry grow in the pit of her stomach. “Never mind that. Your fathers are looking for you. Edric, Sir Aliser is waiting for you in the stables. Elyan, Guinevere, you’re both to come with me.”

Gwen glanced up at her brother, only to find him staring at Leon intensely. She gulped. No one said anything as Edric waved goodbye and made his was across the field. The instant he was out of earshot Elyan grabbed Leon’s arm. Gwen squeaked and stepped back.

“What’s going on Leon?” He hissed. “Your father never lets you out of your lessons early.”

Leon grabbed his wrist, glanced at Gwen, and sighed. “It’s your mother. Something happened.”

Elyan had ran so fast Gwen didn’t even get the chance to call his name. She was confused. What was wrong with their mama?

She tugged on Leon’s sleeve, gaining his attention. “Leon?”

Leon looked so sad, filled with a sort of guilt she didn’t recognise as such a young child. “Come on.” He leaned down and picked her up, making his way back to the estate.

Gwen struggled. “Someone will see!”

“It doesn’t matter.”

Gwen struggled harder. “But you aren’t allowed to! Mama said!”

“Yeah, well, damn the rules.” Leon had growled, causing Gwen to gasp. “You and Elyan are my friends, and I’m not hiding that just because you’re a servants’ children. Not anymore.”

Gwen worries her lip even as she nodded. “Leon?” He looked at her, and she hesitated for only a moment. “What happened to mama?”

There was that look again, so sad. “She… she’s sick Gwen.”

“Oh.” Gwen said. “Like when I got sick from playing in the snow?”

“Y-yeah. Like that.” Leon shifted her around, his grip almost painful for how tightly he was holding her.

Gwen nodded. “Okay.”

Gwen stayed quiet as Leon carried her through the huge gates at the front of his estate. She stayed quiet as they passed servants and nobles alike, and hid her face when they gaped at the sight of a lords’ son carrying a servants’ daughter. She stayed quiet until they passed the kitchen, and Gwen remembered something her mama had done when she was sick.

She wiggled in Leon’s hold, causing him to stumble and almost stop. “We should make some tea! That’s what mama did when I was sick. It’ll make her feel better.”

Leon made a kind of choking sound. “I’m sure she’d love that Gwen, but you should go see her first.”

Gwen nodded. That made sense, even if she really wanted to make the tea so her mama would feel better now. Leon took off again, up one of the big winding staircases that led to the servant’s quarters. Gwen wasn’t sure how he knew where he was going. She didn’t think he’d ever been in this part of the house. His father never let him, just like his father never let him play when Gwen and Elyan asked him to.

Leon got faster the closer he got to the room Gwen’s family lived in, and Gwen tightened her grip on him. She was scared – what if he dropped her? Elyan dropped her all the time when they were playing, sometimes on purpose, so she knew it hurt. She whimpered slightly, and that got Leon to slow down, at least a little bit.

They stumbled to a stop in front of her family’s room. The door was closed so Gwen couldn’t see what was going on inside. Leon was breathing hard, eyes wide, and Gwen had to tap his cheek a few times before he would look at her. He looked scared, so Gwen slipped out of his grasp and onto the floor.

He gulped as Gwen took his hand. “Come on.”

Leon let her pull him the rest of the way to the door. He stood with her after she had knocked, his hand squeezing hers too tightly. She frowned at him, but then the door opened, and her dad was staring down at her, eyes red-rimmed and sadder than Gwen had ever seen them. She dropped Leon’s hand in an instant and threw herself at her dad.

“Dad?” She whispered, struggling a little as he crushed her against him. “What’s wrong?”

“Gwen?”

Gwen peeked around her dad’s shoulder, grinning at her mama. She was propped up in bed, all pale and grey in a way that Gwen knew meant she was sick. One of the stable boys had looked the same after he fell ill, and she knew she hadn’t looked much better last winter when a day in the snow had left her bedridden for ages. She was smiling as she held a hand out to Gwen, the other already captured by Elyan next to her.

“My sweet girl. Come here.”

Her dad carried her to the bed, and Gwen scrambled across her mama’s legs so she could curl up by her side. Her mama wrapped an arm around her and squeezed her weakly. Gwen hugged her as tight as she could in return.

“Leon told me you were sick.” She said. “Like I was.”

Her mama coughed, but smiled. “Leon was right.”

Her dad sat and took her mama’s free hand as Gwen pushed herself back. “I want to make the special sick tea for you, so you feel better! Leon said it was a good idea, but that I should come see you first, so he carried me all the way here!”

Her dad startled. “He carried you here?”

Gwen nodded happily and turned towards Leon, who was slowly edging himself out the doorway. He looked away at the sudden attention, even as he straightened his back. Gwen didn’t want to move, so she waved at him to come over. He ignored her, staring instead at her dad, and Gwen fought not to pout.

“I promised I’d bring them both back to you quickly.” Was all Leon said, not looking away from her dad.

Gwen glanced between them, confused when her dad simply nodded. “You did. Thank you.”

Leon nodded and left, pulling the door closed behind him. Gwen frowned, but didn’t run after him. Her mama coughed into her pillow.

Her dad immediately stood up and started fussing with the blanket. “Are you comfortable?”

Her mama smiled and weakly slapped his hand away. “I’m fine Tom, stop fussing.”

“But you’re not fine.” Elyan said, surprising them all. “Are you?”

“Elyan-” Her dad started, voice stern.

Her mama stopped him. “No Tom. We cannot lie to them.” She turned to Gwen and drew Elyan up onto the bed so he was hugging her other side. “I’m sorry my sweets, but I am very sick. And-” she paused, coughed weakly, and swallowed. “And the physician doesn’t think I will be getting better.”

Elyan ripped himself out of their mama’s embrace like she had burned him. He had tears dripping down his face, and Gwen didn’t understand why. So what if their mama didn’t get better? They could look after her! Gwen knew how to make the special tea, after all, and their dad had taken care of her when she was sick. They could do the same for their mama.

Elyan hadn’t seemed to know that though, because he was crying and yelling and running from the room before Gwen could tell him. Her dad yelled back at him, and in seconds was gone from the room too. Her mama coughed again, and Gwen let herself be pushed back and sat next to the bed.

“Mama?” She questioned, reaching to go back to the hug. It was nice, especially since she didn’t get to spend much time with her mama most days.

She only shook her head. “No, stay there for a moment Gwen. There’s… there’s something I need to talk to you about.”

Gwen frowned, but did as she was told. “Okay.”

Her mama caressed her cheek and smiled. “Oh my sweet girl. I’m so sorry.”

Gwen grasped her hand. “It’s okay, you can’t help being sick mama. That’s what you told me, remember?”

Her mama laughed, only for it to dissolve into a horrible cough. “This is different Gwen. Mama isn’t going to get better like you did.”

“I know!” Gwen grinned, because she did and she had a plan, obviously. “But that’s okay! Dad can take care of you when he’s not working, and I know how to cook and clean like you do. We can look after you.”

Her mama cupped her face and shook her head. “No Gwen.”

Gwen’s grin fell. “No?”

“No.” She laid back into her pillow, hand still cupping Gwen’s cheek. “I’m afraid… mama is going to have to go away soon Gwen.”

Gwen frowned. “Go away? Where?”

“Somewhere very far away. You won’t be able to see me anymore, but I will always look out for you Guinevere. For you and your brother, and your father.”

Gwen shook her head, tears in her eyes. “No! I don’t want you to go away!”

“I don’t have a choice.” Her mama apologised. “I will see you again Gwen. One day, a long time from now, I’ll see you again.”

“I don’t want to see you a long time from now! I want to see you always!” Tears were streaming down her face now, and she held her mama’s hand tightly in her own small fists. “It’s not fair!”

Her mama coughed again, weaker this time. “No, no it’s not.” They were silent for some time, Gwen crying and holding her mama’s hand as tightly as she could while her mama coughed and wheezed on the bed. “Gwen? You must promise me something.”

Gwen sniffled. “What?”

“Promise to look out for your brother and father. You’re family, you’ll need each other.”

Gwen nodded, helpless to do anything else. “I promise.”

Her mama had smiled, and then her dad had opened the door quietly, Elyan in his arms. Her brother was hiding his face in their dad’s neck, and Gwen knew it was because he’d been crying. Gwen whimpered, squeezing her mama’s hand tighter, and her dad was by her side in an instant, his huge hands wrapping around hers and her mama’s. Elyan didn’t move.

Gwen stayed by her mama’s side for the next three days and three nights. Her dad came and went, looking after her mama when he could and working long hours in the forge now that her mama couldn’t do her work around the castle. Elyan helped him, and helped the other servants with chores that their mama used to do, so Gwen only really saw him at night.

On the afternoon of the fourth day, when Gwen was carefully carrying some soup back to her mama from the kitchen, her dad started yelling so loud Gwen heard it all the way down the corridor. She dropped the bowl in surprise, splattering soup everywhere, and ran back to her parents, not even bothering to try and clean up the mess. Her dad was shouting! He might need her help!

She skidded through the open door and scrambled over to the bed. Her mama was laying still, sleeping, like she always seemed to be the past few days. Her dad was bent over the bed, tears in his eyes and her mama’s hand gripped tightly in his.

“Dad?” Gwen called. “What’s wrong?”

He ignored her for a moment, then quietly ordered. “Go find your brother.”

Gwen frowned and took a hesitant step forward. “But-”

“Now Guinevere!” Her dad yelled.

Gwen scrambled to obey, confusion and hurt making the beginnings of tears prickle in her eyes. She ran quickly through the servant’s quarters, calling for her brother as she went. One of the kitchen maids told her he was in the stables and Gwen thanked her before taking off again. She made her way to the stables as quickly as she could, dodging maids and nobles alike.

“Elyan!” She yelled as she burst through the open doors of the stables. “Elyan!”

“Here.” Elyan called, popping up from behind one of the horses. “What do you want Gwen?”

“It’s mama.” She blurted out. “I think somethings wrong. Dad told me to come find you.”

Elyan dropped what he was holding immediately and ran past Gwen, the fear on his face scaring her even more. Gwen huffed and ran after him, only to squeal as he appeared in front of her and grabbed her around the middle. Gwen clung to Elyan tightly as he ran, heart beating fast as they made their way back through the winding hallways of the estate.

“Mama!” Elyan yelled as they burst into their room and skidded to a halt.

Her dad was kneeling by the bed now, her mama’s hand still clutched in his. He looked up at Elyan's call, tears falling down his cheeks. Gwen has never seen him look so sad.

“Dad?” She asked, trying to move around Elyan and into the room.

Her dad held out his free hand to them. “Come here you two.”

Elyan finally moved. He didn’t take his eyes off their mama as he walked, and Gwen frowned when she saw him starting to cry. It scared her, and she felt tears of her own welling up. Her dad scooped her up the moment she was close enough, while Elyan held their mama’s hand with their dad.

“What’s wrong?” Gwen asked, hugging her dads’ neck.

“She’s gone.” Her dad whispered, hoarse and strained.

Gwen’s eyes widened, and she felt the tears start to spill. “No. No, she’s right there!”

She looked at her mama, so still and pale on the bed. She looked like she was sleeping, a good sleep, something she hadn’t had in a long time. She certainly hadn’t gone anywhere.

“No Gwen.” Her dad said. “Her spirit is gone. You remember, she told you she would have to go far away?”

Gwen looked at her mama again. “She’s… gone?”

Elyan sobbed. Gwen turned and buried herself in her dad’s chest, shaking with the force of her tears. A second later she felt Elyan pressed against her side, and then two strong arms wrapped around them both, holding them together as they cried.

///

The next thing Gwen remembers clearly is Leon’s tenth birthday. The whole estate was alive with activity, preparing for the feast Lady Amelia wanted for her son. Every servant was busy with work, rushing through the halls to finish their various chores.

Gwen was no different.

She had been woken early by her dad as he left with Elyan for the forge. One of Lord Caldwell’s horses had thrown a shoe, and her dad was showing Elyan how to make a new one. Gwen had tried to convince him to show her as well, but he had insisted she was too young. Besides, the servants would need her help today, he’d reasoned, and Gwen had reluctantly agreed. The servants were always in need of more help on Leon’s birthday.

That was how she found herself helping the kitchen maids set up the hall for the feast.

“Guinevere!” She looked up from where she was polishing spoons. One of the older servants, Silvia, was beckoning her over. “Come quickly.”

She hopped down from her stool in the corner, carefully putting her spoons down on the little table next to her. She ran across the room, dodging feet and furniture alike as she went. Silvia was already halfway out the room, the sharp click of heels on stone leading Gwen on even when she lost sight of her.

Silvia eventually stopped, and when Gwen caught up to her she was panting. She had just enough time to recognise the laundresses’ room when suddenly linens and towels were piled into her arms.

“Lord Lovel and young Master Leon will be back from their hunt soon, and the young master will be expecting a bath and clean room.” She turned Gwen around, pushing her slightly in the direction of Leon’s chambers. “Since Lady Amelia has been running us all ragged, I haven’t had anyone to spare for the job. Make sure you get it done quickly.”

“Yes Silvia.” Gwen stumbled a little under her load, but shifted it and righted herself.

“Good lass.” Silvia praised. “Come find me when you’re done, I’ve plenty more chores to be done.”

Gwen nodded and concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other without dropping anything. Servants got out of her way as she passed, most of them smiling and offering her quick acknowledgment and praise before they went on their way. Gwen couldn’t answer any of them, too focused on not dropping the bundle in her arms.

Down a corridor, up a flight of stairs and a right turn had her arriving at Leon’s chambers.

The door was half open when she got there, so she was able to slip inside easily. The room held a slight chill, the fire left alone for too long, and Gwen knew that was one of the first things she needed to fix. Her dad had taught her how to make fires without burning herself, so Gwen was confident she didn’t need to find someone to help. She set her bundle down on Leon’s bed and shoved a few logs into the fireplace.

It took a few tries, but eventually she got it to light. The room quickly warmed, the fire crackling merrily as Gwen went about stripping Leon’s bed and replacing it with nice, fresh sheets. She was just putting the pillows back into place when Leon walked in, armour dirty and a leaf in his messy hair.

“Leon!” She had grinned and jumped off the bed to run to his side. “How was your hunt?”

Leon grumbled, frowning and pouting as he began taking his armour off. “It was fine.”

Gwen hummed and picked the leaf from his hair, spinning it. “You sure?”

Leon glared at the leaf. “I shot a deer.”

“Really?” Gwen gasped. Leon complained enough that she knew how hard that was.

“Yes.” Leon puffed his chest out a bit, proud. A second later he frowned again. “It didn’t die right away. I was chasing it down when my horse reared.”

Gwen stepped forward, offering her help without needing to be asked. There was a dent in the back of Leon’s armour, small, but big enough to bruise. “You fell?”

Leon tisked. “A rookie mistake. I should have had better control.”

Gwen hummed again, finally freeing Leon of all his armour and putting it off to the side. Elyan would have to fix it later. “Did you find the deer?”

Leon blinked. “Yes. It was dead only a few paces away.”

Gwen shrugged. “Then don’t you think the hunt was a success? Even if you fell, you shot down a deer! You’re always complaining about how hard they are to hit.”

“And you’re always complaining about me killing defenseless animals.” Leon folded his arms. “What’s so different today?”

“You looked like you could use some cheering up.” Gwen confessed. “And deer does taste rather good.”

Leon smiled, letting his arms fall as he sat by the fire. “Thank you Gwen.”

She grinned. “You’re welcome.” She gathered the dirty linens in her arms quickly, then curtsied. Silvia had taught her, because she was expected to know how, and Gwen would admit she was rather proud of how fast she had got the hang of it. “I’ll get someone to bring a bath up for you.”

Leon nodded, practically melting into his chair as Gwen left. She rolled her eyes. What was it with boys and melting into their chairs like they’d forgotten how to sit properly? Her dad always told them to sit up properly, said it would help them with an aching back. Elyan just called him old when he said that, and Gwen would laugh but sit up straighter all the same. Manners were important, after all.

She passed Helga and Kida on her way back to laundresses’ room and asked them to set up a bath for Leon. They nodded and hurried away. Gwen dropped the dirty sheets off with Lidia and went back to Leon to make sure he was alright. She’d have to ask Silvia to take a look at his wounds; Leon would never ask himself.

“Are you decent?” She yelled when she got to Leon’s door.

“As I can be.”

Gwen rolled her eyes. “Leon.”

A laugh. “Yes Gwen, I’m fine. The bath isn’t even warm yet.”

Gwen pushed the door open, grinning at Leon before she even saw the cheeky look on his face. “You, Leon Caldwell, are the rudest noble I have ever met.”

Leon laughed again. “I am not! Lair.”

Gwen stuck her tongue at him. She went to the bath, felt the water, and nodded to herself. It was warm enough now. She added some of the sweet smelling potion Silvia had made and swirled it around until her arm was tired and she was sure it was mixed in properly.

“Bath’s ready.” She said.

Leon jumped up from his chair and pulled his tunic off over his head. Gwen turned to leave, only to gasp as she caught sight of Leon’s back.

“Leon!” She scolded as she rushed to examine the bruises. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

Leon winced as Gwen prodded one of the smaller bruises on his back. “It’s nothing Gwen. It hardly even hurts.”

Gwen have him a disapproving glare, a mirror of Silvia’s. “That doesn’t matter and you know it. They should be looked at.”

Leon pouted and pulled away. “I didn’t want anyone to worry over a couple of bruises.” Gwen continued to give him the look. Leon broke with a sigh. “Fine! I’ll go find Silvia after the feast tonight.”

“No.” Gwen said, laying out his towel next to his bath. “I will go find her and you’ll let her look at you when you get out of the bath.”

Leon groaned. “Do I have any choice?”

Gwen flashed a grin. “No.” She made her way to the door. “Besides, you have to look your best for your birthday feast.”

She slipped out the door before Leon could say anything else. It didn’t take her long to find Silvia and inform her of Leon’s injuries. The old woman had grumbled and frowned as she immediately made her way towards Leon’s rooms. Gwen giggled, knowing he was going to get a stern talking to and also knowing that he deserved it. He was too much like Elyan sometimes – neither of them liked showing when they were hurt. Some stupid notion that it made them look weak to need care.

The day passed quickly from there. It was all a blur to Gwen, chores upon chores upon chores. Elyan started helping at some point, moving tables and chairs around the hall under Lady Amelia’s close directions. Gwen didn’t envy him. Lady Amelia was a kind but stern woman most of the time, but she could be plain mean when something wasn’t organised to her satisfaction.

Finally, hours later, the preparations were complete, and Gwen and the other servants congratulated each other on a job well done. Her dad appeared, Elyan trailing along behind him, and smiled his proud smile at her. Gwen flushed and let him pick her up, her feet sore from standing all day.

An hour later the hall was full to bursting with everyone on the estate, noble and servant alike. There was a group of musicians in the corner, playing a lively tune as everyone ate. The nobles were at the end of the hall, Leon and his parents at the head of the large table. The servants were left standing, but they had a table of their own laden with food. Gwen had never seen so much food before, at least, not so much food that she was allowed to eat.

It was the best meal she could ever remember having. Elyan sat next to her on the floor as they ate, a plate of venison and vegetables each. Their dad had a plate of his own, standing above them and talking to Silvia and Helga.

Leon caught her eye and grinned. She held up her plate, taking a bite of venison and giving a thumbs up. Leon sat straighter in his chair, a proud grin on his face, and Gwen felt happier than she had in a long time.

///

When Gwen was seven, Elyan found her at their mama’s grave.

She went there only once a year, on the anniversary of their mama’s death. She knew Elyan never visited, and that their dad was here every morning before sunrise. She’d followed him once. He just sat beside her grave and talked about what they’d done yesterday, how Gwen and Elyan were, little things that Gwen hardly ever thought about. She hadn’t followed him again.

She had been sitting under the tree that had grown next to her mama’s grave, picking at the grass there and just thinking. Mostly she was thinking about her mama, trying to catch faded memories that fluttered just outside of her grasp. She would never, however, think of that last day, the confusion and the sadness. It hurt too much.

Today, however, she found her mind wondering. Her memories fell through her fingers faster than usual, murky and unclear, and she didn’t care half as much as she normally would.

Her focus was on the bright yellow string around her wrist. She knew what it was – had known for as long as she could remember – but recently she had found herself thinking about it more and more.

It represented her soulmate, and their connection. That what her dad had told her. The fact that she could see it was unusual. It meant her soulmate was touched by magic. Gwen wasn’t sure what to think about that. Not the fact that her soulmate had magic – Gwen wasn’t scared of magic, couldn’t be, not with her heartstring weaving merrily around her wrist everyday. No, what Gwen wasn’t sure if was if she wanted to meet her soulmate at all.

She knew the law. Anyone with magic was executed, by the King of Camelot himself. And Gwen knew what losing your soulmate did do you. Her dad carried on for her and Elyan, trying to appear normal, but Gwen knew better. He hadn’t smiled, truly smiled, since her mama died, and Gwen knew he wasn’t eating or sleeping properly. She had to remind him to eat most days, force him to more often than not.

Gwen never wanted to feel like that.

“I thought I’d find you here.”

Gwen jumped slightly, looking up at her big brother. She blinked, shocked.

“Elyan?” She asked, not really believing what she was seeing. “What are you doing here?”

Elyan shot a glance at their mama’s grave and swallowed. “I was looking for you.”

Gwen shifted, uncomfortable. “Why?”

“You know why.” Elyan rolled his eyes and sat down. “You shouldn’t listen to them you know. They don’t know what they’re talking about.”

Gwen sighed and hugged her knees to her chest. “What would you know? You can’t see your heartstring.”

Elyan shrugged. “So? I know you Gwen. You aren’t evil, couldn’t ever be. And that means your soulmate isn’t either.”

“It doesn’t matter.” Gwen mumbled, too quiet to hear.

“What?” Elyan asked.

He was staring at her now, with eyes so much like their mama’s it hurt. “It doesn’t matter whether they’re evil or not. If they anyone finds out they have magic, they’re dead.” Gwen glanced at their mama’s grave. “I don’t… I don’t want to see that. I don’t want to become like dad.”

“Gwen.” Elyan hesitated, then gripped her arms tightly, eyes fierce as he made eye contact. “You are the strongest person I know. Dad wouldn’t be here at all without you, you know that right? And I…” He gulped. “I don’t know where I’d be without you.” His eyes flickered to their mama’s grave. “You wouldn’t… wouldn’t turn into a shell like that.”

Gwen knew better. “Yes I would.”

“Gwen-” Elyan started, but Gwen cut him off.

“No Elyan!” She yelled, standing up and glaring down at him. “You don’t get it. I know you don’t, I know you can’t!”

Elyan stared up at her, eyes wide and a little bit afraid. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I-“ Gwen gulped, her anger leaving as suddenly as it had come. She sank back down. “I overheard you. Yesterday, in the stable.”

Elyan sucked in a sharp breath. “With Edric?”

“Yes.”

Elyan sagged against the tree. “Oh.”

Gwen felt guilty. He’d come out here to make her feel better, and here she was making him feel bad. “I’m sorry.”

Elyan shrugged. “It doesn’t really matter. I was going to tell you.”

She reached over slowly, hesitant but curious, and Elyan held out his wrist with a slight roll of his eyes and an exaggerated huff. “Do you really feel nothing at all?”

“Not even the slightest twinge.”

Gwen tightened her grip on his arm. “You’re sure it means-“

“Yes, Gwen.” Elyan sighed. “I know it doesn’t make sense. I know I shouldn’t be able to tell. I don’t know how to describe it. I just know.” He rubbed his free hand over his chest. “I can feel it.”

Gwen turned her brother’s wrist this way and that, finding exactly what she had expected – nothing. “Are you… okay with that?”

Now, Elyan smiled. “Honestly? It’s a relief. I’ve never really wanted a soulmate.” Here, his face fell. “That’s strange, isn’t it? Not wanting a soulmate? Not even wanting anyone like… that.”

“Maybe.” Gwen admitted, because she had certainly never heard of anyone not having a soulmate, of not even wanting one. “But that’s okay, you know? To be strange, I mean.”

“Is it?”

“Well.” Gwen said, watching her heartstring weave through the sunlight. “If you’re strange, so am I.”

Elyan tilted his head. “How so?”

“Because I don’t want to meet my soulmate.” She said. “Not ever.”

They stayed there for a moment longer, then Gwen stood. The castle maids needed her, and she had spent enough time away. She waved to Elyan as she ran back to the estate, down the hills and through the trees.

Elyan stayed a moment longer, staring at their mama’s grave, as he did late at night sometimes when everyone was asleep. It looked so much different in the daytime. He sighed.

“She’s lying.” He whispered to the wind. “She wants to meet them more than anything. She’s just afraid.”

The wind howled back.

///

Gwen was eight when her dad announced they were moving to Camelot. Leon, at twelve summers old, was to go to Camelot to train as a knight. Leon was ecstatic. Sir Aliser was also sending Edric, even though he was a year too young, and both boys were all but bouncing off the walls. It was the talk of the estate for weeks following Lord Lovel’s announcement.

Elyan, on the other hand, was sulking.

At first he was sulking because he thought he was losing his friends. Gwen knew the three of them often skipped out on their chores, choosing instead to play knights on the hills surrounding the estate. Gwen knew Leon and Edric had taught Elyan how to use a sword – she’d watched some days, when the boys had wanted someone to show off to – and Gwen knew that for all the love her brother had for making swords, he loved wielding them even more.

When their dad told them they’d be moving with Edric and Leon, Gwen thought Elyan would be happy. Instead, to her surprise, the news seemed to make Elyan even more upset. He left the room in a huff, ignoring their dad’s calls. Her dad sighed.

“He’ll come around.” Gwen murmured, staring into her bowl.

Her dad turned back to her. “And you? What do you think of all this?”

Gwen wasn’t sure what to think. There was a part of her that was scared to move, to leave the only home she had ever known. She liked it here, with Silvia and Helga and Kida. More than that, this was where her mama was. Gwen wasn’t sure if she wanted to leave her. She wasn’t sure if her dad would be able to leave her.

On the other hand, Gwen was excited. She’d never gone far from the estate, not in her whole life, and the idea of seeing the great city of Camelot made Gwen’s heart beat fast. Lord Lovel and Lady Amelia often told grand tales of Camelot, and Silvia would tell her all about serving in the castle.

Her dad nodded when she told him how she felt. He understood, he said. Then he left Gwen to her meal.

///

Three weeks later, on the morning they were due to leave, Leon found her as she was staring at her mama’s grave one last time. He had the same look on his face he always did when her mama was brought up, and Gwen was finally old enough to recognise the guilt shinning in her friends’ eyes.

He stared at her mama’s grave, refusing to meet her eyes. “I’m sorry.”

Gwen’s eyes widened, surprised. “Whatever for?” Leon still refused to look at her. “Leon?”

“She was sick for a long time.” Leon said, after several too long minutes. “Everyone knew it. Some days she could barely get out of bed.” He clenched his fist. “And even though everyone knew, even when it got really bad, my parents still gave her work. I overheard Silvia once. She said the work was killing her faster than her illness.”

They were silent for a time, Gwen digesting the new information. A blast of wind made her shiver as she found her voice again.

“You know, I don’t really remember her much.” She said, and it was true. In a few years she’d remember even less. “But one thing I do remember is how she hated sitting still.” She turned to Leon, smiled. “You aren’t to blame Leon, and neither are your parents.”

Leon still looked stricken. “But-“

“No.” Gwen said, firm. “You’re too noble for your own good. This isn’t something you need to feel guilty for. My mama died because she was sick, and she worked because she wanted to. Neither of those things are your fault.”

Leon stared at the ground, a weird twist to his lips. Gwen could tell he didn’t really believe her. He could be ridiculously stubborn like that sometimes.

“Come on.” She said, turning around. “They’re waiting for us.”

///

Arriving in Camelot was one of the clearest memories Gwen had, even years later.

The trip itself had been exciting, if a little unremarkable. Leon had insisted she ride in the carriage with him, and he wouldn’t back down, no matter what his father said about the impropriety of allowing a servant to ride with nobility. Gwen kept her head down and allowed Leon to help her into the carriage, shooting a glance at her dad and brother as she went. Her dad smiled faintly, while Elyan screwed up her nose at her. She stuck her tongue out at him in return.

The inside of the carriage was comfortable. The hours passed slowly, and Gwen alternated between staring out the window and chatting with Leon. They stopped for breaks only twice, and by the time they finally reached Camelot, Gwen was itching to get out and stretch her legs and Leon was eagerly bouncing in his seat.

Gwen, despite her desire to get out of the carriage, shrunk further and further back into her seat the closer they got to the castle. By the time the reached the castle proper Gwen was shaking and clutching her seat. Very suddenly she wanted nothing more than to run back home, the promise and excitement of adventure and a new home gone and replaced with dread.

Over the course of their journey, Gwen has noticed something odd. Her heartstring, ever twisting in the air just on the inside of her vision, had started growing taunt. It was unnoticeable at first, but then it squeezed around her wrist, and she had subtly looked at it and seen it stretching in a straight, very obvious not-flowy line ahead of them.

It scared her.

The tugging on her arm only made it worse, and she found she had to battle with herself as the carriage pulled to a stop in front of the great castle of Camelot. She wanted to get out and run. She wanted to never move. She wanted to follow her heartstring and throw her arms around her soulmate and hide them from the world. She wanted to curl up in her dads’ arms and never leave, never risk losing something she didn’t even yet have.

When Leon offered her his hand, she very nearly didn’t take it. She could see, just out of the corner of her eye, how her heartstring bled from its normal sunshine yellow to a deep green, so beautiful and calming it took her breath away. She saw the way it stretched up, up above them, tight around her wrist in a way it had never been before.

Gwen gulped and touched a finger to the flower in her hair; the one her dad had given her on one of their breaks, when Gwen had refused to tell him what was so suddenly wrong. He had smiled as he presented it to her – the prettiest lady of them all – and Gwen drew strength from the soft petals.

She took Leon’s hand and stepped out of the carriage, legs protesting a little after so long sitting down. She kept her head down, eyes purposefully on her feet as she walked over to where her dad and Elyan were standing. She dared not look anywhere else.

There was a horrible feeling in her chest. It felt like her heart and lungs were slowly being squeezed of all life. It took everything she had to stay still, to keep her eyes down, to not follow her heartstring if not with her feet than with her eyes – but she managed. She clenched her fists against the tugging of her heartstring and breathed through the tightness in her chest.

She would not look up. She would not, in fact, do anything that could lead to her to meeting her soulmate. She was determined. She would have nothing to do with her soulmate, whoever they were, not now, not ever.

A glance at her father, at the permanent sadness behind his eyes, and Gwen grew even more resolute.

Never, she promised herself.

-