What everrr

I’m begging. He’s so unbelievably whipped for the main character. ‘Subtlety’ trying to impress them, secretly looking forward to seeing them, letting them walk up in his office whenever they want.

If you’ve seen my other posts about him, you’ve seen all the evidence of how colossally infatuated this man is with the main character. The only reason it’s probably not been pointed out more is because he looks cool and has a somewhat convincing act.

And I hate and envy everyone who is happy and I hate them while I know it’s unwarranted and illogical. It’s just hormones in my head making my feels these things but it all feels so real and I hate this. I know it’s all in my head. So why do I still feel this way knowing it’s an illusion?

Other people’s happiness shouldn’t bring me anger. But what makes everyone else so much better than me? What makes them worthy of happiness and love and not me? Why don’t people adore me the way everyone else is showered in praise? No matter how I improve my behavior and skills, it’ll never be enough. I can’t make people like me. I don’t deserve to be loved. But I want it. I want what all these other artists have. Why are they better than me? Why do they deserve to be loved? If no one is perfect, then why do I see perfection all around me? It’s not fair.

These thoughts are all so entitled and pathetic and petty. But in this moment, it’s so strong and real to me. Of course I’ll forget this all by next week. And then it’ll happen again next month.

I hate my miserable thoughts. I’ve been told our thoughts don’t define us. But how can that be? Is our inner monologue not important? Do our thoughts not matter?

I try to be good. I say nice things and do good things. But how am I supposed to believe I’m I good person when I can hear my wicked thoughts rotting my mind every waking moment? Is it wrong to try to be good when I know that I’ll always be sick? Is my kindness all a lie?