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I think about this quote a lot.
"And yet, despite our resistance to it, I have never found myself feeling worse after the hard work was done. There have been days when it was damn hard to start, but it was always worth finishing. Sometimes, the simple act of showing up and having the courage to do the work, even in an average manner, is a victory worth celebrating."
—James Clear, What I Do When I Feel Like Giving Up
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4.11.21
Its 6pm and I haven't done any active studying today. I woke up late and dragged my morning, wasting a lot of time cooking breakfast. I couldn't start despite repeating the intention in my head. Maybe its the burnout getting to me. I've decided to engage in my distractions for 30more minutes and after which I MUST get back on work. Wish me all the best friends, this might get tough.
20.11.21
I've never really visited the library for any other purposes besides borrowing books or storytelling to kids. So now that I've been visiting the library almost every other day, I feel a personal connection to the people who work there and the study spots I tend to seat at. It's such a unique little experience and I hope I don't stop visiting the library when the exam period ends because it is so wonderful to be surrounded by other strangers who also are working hard towards their goal :-)
2/11/21
never once did i feel capable of accomplishing 8hours of independent studying outside of school hours but lo and behold i have been blessed by god today. good job to me for pushing through honestly. however, despite my accomplishment today the anxiety of the upcoming alevel exams is still lingering over my soul, digging its stinking nails into my pink heart and preventing me from feeling happy about a new victory. sigh.
07.01.2022
I want so many material things. I want to achieve this, I want to be that, I feel like I'm losing myself because I'm so entranced in the material world. I used to be on the extreme opposite end of the spectrum. I used to starve myself from my desires and I saved and I saved and I felt numb. Will I ever find the balance in between ? Does an in between even exist and if so how will I know when I've reached it ?
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17.11.21
It's my history A level exams today and I'm not really confident about it :P Luckily enough it's an afternoon paper so I'll take the rest of the morning to continue memorizing examples and whatnot. I'm so glad I'm only left with two papers though and after which I'll be free ˃ᴗ˂ !! That's just 9 more days !! Just 9 more and I can get a job, maybe a boyfriend and finally see my best friends after two whole years :") I'll worry about university choices later :P for now I'll just do my best for today's exam B-)
book review #01
title : Men Without Women
author : Haruki Murakami
rating : 8/10 :)
comments :
I find that each short story within the book covers a different aspect of the idea that - Men without Women - suggests. Men without women are purposeless, lost, deranged, empty, so on and so forth.
My personal favorite story would be the one where the married guy found his wife having an affair with her colleague. He leaves her and sets up a bar at his aunt's old house. As he runs the quaint little bar, he suppreses his emotions regarding his wife's affair, just thinking "it is what it is". He meets a ton of characters at the bar, had s*x with one of them and could continue living off the small income he got. When his wife came to sign the divorce papers, he said it was alright that she had an affair, and that's when everything took a different turn. A cat which he once fed everyday disappeared, and in return the bar was visited by snakes. His customers stopped coming too. A customer who was secretly employed by the protagonist's aunt suggests that he leaves this bar and travels away immediately. The customer laid down some ground rules for the protagonist : don't stay at the same location for too long. send a postcard to his aunt without anything written on it. He does so but started feeling purposeless with himself as he continued mindlessly travelling. One day at one of the hotels he was staying he wrote to his aunt and heard a knock. It (knocking) turned out to be metaphorical, having allowed his wife to have an affair and numbing himself with taking care of the bar, he lost a nuance emotion which I believe is compassion. You lost your wife and you didn't do anything to resolve it. I wonder what the bar symbolizes though ? I still can't wrap my head around it :P
Anyways I rate this book a solid 8/10. Great for those who like short stories that circulate a similar theme. Also since they're short, they're convenient for working/busy people.
P.S. I decided to make a new goal this year and it's to read more fiction books. In college I only ever read academic readings day in and day out, making this new goal really exciting and refreshing for me !
[Next book - Killing Commendatore by Haruki Murakami]
An excerpt adapted from my old journals on rediscovery and healing.
There are days where I feel broken beyond repair because nothing seems to be going right. And when that happens, I always find myself orbiting around this one task which I just can't seem to do. I float around it, never really doing anything about it. It's because I'm distracted and scared. So I tell myself it's time for some rediscovery. The difference between discovery and rediscovery is finding the novelty in already familiar things. Like making a new playlist out of your favorite comfort songs or sinking your feet in the sand or even drinking hot chocolate in a cold room. Just simple things like that to tell you that "hey, you're safe in the present, one step at a time". This is how I heal.
