#hearbreaks

I was laughing hard but suddenly I get sad because I miss you.

It’s been one hit after another

It started when I left a man who loved the hell out of me.

No matter what I would do, or say, or become, he loved me to the core.

He also loved drugs. 

We had something beautiful. I know the probability is low for me to ever experience something that powerful again. 

I don’t remember much of my life with him. I just remember I was his sun. It’ s probably because when I love, I love hard. I treated him like a king. I saturated him with love every holiday, every birthday, ever day. My friend today told me he didn’t think I would ever get over my ex after we broke up. 

But I did. And tbh it wasn’t hard. I just had to have sex with someone else. We had nothing in common. But we vibed. I accidentally fell hard for the very first person I slept with after my 6 year relationship collapsed. He liked me too. He wanted to see me all the time and didn’t ever want to go home. I didn’t really like being around him for too long. We barely had topics to discuss due to overwhelming differences. Then my first mental breakdown happened. I realized what I did. I slept with someone new, had feelings for him, and no longer had any feelings for my ex. I possibly ruined the best thing that has ever happened to me. It was an odd sensation to comprehend. I didn’t even know I was experiencing a mental breakdown, and ended up taking it out on this new guy. The thing I admired about him, is his strength. His coldness. His independence. Once I told him I didn’t want him, he completely let me go. And it drove me crazy. I chased him for months. We ended up hooking up one other time. I’m not sure why I wanted to make it work with him. It was like I could see my irrational behavior and couldn’t do anything about it. We. Had. NOTHING. In. Common. 

While I was still struggling to get over this, a new guy  slipped into my life. I didn’t think much of him. He was okay looking initially. But then. He started talking. And he started smiling. And he started trying to pop my fingers. I’m trying to remember him but I can’t. I’m thankful my brain filters out unnecessary memories, but I kinda don’t feel human when that happens. Let me try to remember him…. 

He liked to open my car door. He brought me cookies in a ziplock bag with my name on it. I still have that bag. It doesn’t even hurt to look at it. Our first time meeting, He didn’t even kiss me. I tried to cuddle next to him and he froze. His heart was beating so fast on my back that we both suffered through intimate silence. The next time we hung out, he asked me to cuddle with him, and after he kissed my neck one time, I turned around and… I kissed his lips. A lot. He told me I was soft. I don’t know why that turned me on so much. Because he could read me. I felt us connecting. I felt me falling for him. Oh and we had a lot in common. I mean, we both liked cats, we were both educated, we were both nerds, both into the same shows/movies, both had the same humor, the list goes on and on. I honestly saw him as a potential best friend. My ex was my best friend for years, so I knew I wanted to invest time into this guy because we connected. Or so I thought. The sex was amazing. I caught myself going over every detail in my head, “he did this first, then this.” It was so intimate, and precious, and I can’t remember exactly how it went anymore. I remember bits and pieces. But I can’t feel him like I used to. That makes me sad… but at the same time, I’m sure I would feel even worse If I could feel him still. Even though on my side I was melting, I could sense something wrong with him. It was like he couldn’t feel anymore. I recognized this as a reflection of myself. He was depressed. I know,two depressed people can’t be romantically involved. Both individuals require a mentally strong person to be able to ground them in order to prolong the relationship. I wanted to make him happy. I wanted to save him. I wanted to saturated him with my soul. But he didn’t want that. He said we were moving too fast and I was too affectionate. Then told me he had to force himself to have feelings for me and that he still felt empty around me.  

How could someone be that cruel to someone. How could he break me so easily without any remorse. He BROKE me. Nobody has EVER been that hurtful to me. 

I got over this a lot quicker than the first guy I slept with after my ex. The fact that he didn’t want me anymore made it easy to let him go. 

Then he came back to me. He started asking questions and became part of my life again. I tried to understand him. I justified his hurtful actions due to his mental illness. Depression can make someone feel numb one moment and then a full range of emotions the next. I thought his depression got the better of him and I wanted to be there for him. He came back to ME. That must mean something right? That must mean he cared, or missed me, or something right? Even though our conversations weren’t the same, I wanted it to work so bad. He wasn’t romantic with me anymore. My affection started to make him feel uncomfortable. It started to overwhelm him. I would pull back as much as he needed. Then when I would feel him pushing back, I would follow through. But that was too much for him every time. I realized he only came back to me, because he was bored. He liked someone liking him. He liked someone constantly talking to him. But he didn’t want to be with me. He just didn’t see me that way. Told me eventually he just wanted to be friends. 

I don’t know about you. But I can’t be friends with someone  I have deep romantic feelings for. I just can’t. I can’t even see their name anywhere let alone a picture. I’m just not that person that could shut off my feelings. It takes time.

We ended all communication. 

I catch myself wondering if he’s okay. If he regrets anything he told me. If he thinks about me at all. If he would ever contact me. I couldn’t expect him to love me if he couldn’t even love himself. 

But then I tell myself not to feel bad for seizing communication. His loss. I gave it my all and if that wasn’t enough for him, I’m sure it’ll be enough for someone else. He was probably used to being in a dark hole he didn’t know how to handle light. 

Then I wonder. Do I deserve this for causing my ex such pain? I’m sure if I called him right now he would take me back. But I don’t want him anymore. At all. ever. 

I do miss being loved like the way he loved me. No one will ever love me like he did. 

Maybe this is punishment for letting him ago. 

wake up, as early as your eyes 

can not bare dreams any more;

leave bed, as fast as it takes for 

your body to escape her smell in your sheets;

wash your face, to clear the restless eyelids 

from her memory;

breath deep, with the pride of an Arab host

welcome the day with a smile;

sip your coffee, bitter like memories, strong like your love, 

dark like the kohl of sadness left on your eyelashes;

steal minutes from time, and say, this morning