#hdm daemon

In honour of the final season of the HBO His Dark Materials series, let me present what I believe my daemon would have been if I’d been born in Lyra’s world: the Eurasian Lynx.

Rejoice, the adorable, fluffy meow-meow in the pictures above is me!

✨ Lynxes ✨ are:

Independent/Autonomous: Lynx kittens become fully self-sufficient at nine months, at which point they separate from their mother and siblings and go on to lead mostly solitary adult lives (the exception being mating season). They are considered symbols of autonomy, strength and self-reliance. *If this isn’t the story of my life lol 😅 Despite being very close to my family, my life diverged substantially from theirs from age 18 onwards, culminating in my now being in a completely different country. This separation, combined with my experiences as a Third-Culture-Kid, meant I learned to rely on my wits and independent judgment fairly early on. Incidentally, this has had the additional effect of making me somewhat unpredictable. Since I don’t really look to convention for guidance (who’s convention? Yours? Mine? Those held by the country I was born in? The one I grew up in? The one I’m in now? All of the above?), you can’t really be sure how I’ll react or what I’ll do unless you know me very well.

Determined/Perseverant/Goal-Orientated/Opportunistic: The Lynx is an ambush hunter who doggedly stalks its prey until the opportune moment to strike presents itself. *This not only describes the manner in which I’ve pursued my academic degrees but also the manner in which I approach life and decision-making in general. I’m always ~a l w a y s~ playing the long game (this has probably been accentuated by my immigrant status, which has made it necessary for me to know what’s going to happen six months in advance for visa purposes).

Discreet/Stealthy/Tactful: For Lynx to be successful ambush hunters, they must be stealthy enough to go unnoticed by their prey, often over long stretches of time. These cats are, therefore, famous for their discreet and tactful approach. They’re also known to hunt primarily at dawn and dusk, during the “quiet” hours. *I’m acutely context-conscious and am skilled at adapting what I reveal about myself to ensure I fly under the radar when needed (again, this is probably due to being a Third Culture Kid). I don’t fight battles I can’t win. I’m highly diplomatic. If you see me at a semi-formal dinner, you can be sure whatever I’m saying is the second or third corrected version of the first thought that came into my head. I edit in real-time.

Clear-Sighted/Perceptive/Insightful: Lynx are known for their clear night vision, impeccable sense of smell, and overall keen senses. *Although I was always intelligent, I don’t think I was born as perceptive as I am now. Two things have sharpened my insight down to a razor edge: my philosophy degrees and my abuse-induced hyper-vigilance (yay me). I am both keenly aware of micro-expressions, especially aggressive ones, and highly skilled (via years of academic training) at dissecting the various layers/hidden influences/unspoken implications of a given interaction/statement/situation. When I look at anything (and I’m actually paying attention), it's like looking through a time-warped kaleidoscope: I simultaneously observe the original image and all the resulting fractals. At this point, I do this reflexively, which can be annoying, because sometimes I don’t want my mind to analyze the movie I’m watching; I just want to lay back and enjoy it. That said, this skill has helped me accurately read and dodge perilous conversations with higher-ups, so it's not without its benefits.

Formidable/Intimidating: Like all  “big cats”, Lynx are ferocious predators and inspire caution in those who encounter them. *This is one of my most perplexing traits because I see myself as highly approachable. Nonetheless, my friends and family have described me in these terms, and it hasn’t escaped my notice that people seem slightly intimidated by me (maybe it’s because of the observant thing?) I compensate for this by making myself as bubbly and soft as possible when being introduced to someone new (who isn’t a threat to me, of course, lol. Otherwise, I lean right into the terrifying).

Affectionate/Playful: Lynx can be very playful and affectionate, just like house cats. *And who am I, if not the very spirit of affection and fun? In fact, the main reason I’m leaving academia is that it’s stopped being a source of curiosity and excitement. I don’t like having to perform dull scholarly aloofness all the time. I want ✨ dilated ✨ cat-pupils ✨ time. ✨ I am happiest when I can infect a lecture hall with a sense of jittery wonder. “If the revolt of Prometheus against the Olympic Gods doomed him to eternal torment, then so much worse for Olympus, down with the view of perfection which can be purchased only at the price of putting chains on the free independent will, the unbridled imagination, the wild wind of inspiration which goeth where it listeth.” (Isaiah Berlin, The Crooked Timber Of Humanity.)

Cute AF, But It’s Giving Ice Age: Lynx have large paws and longer hind legs, which gives them a slightly prehistoric and lop-sided appearance. *I don’t quite know how to say this, but I’ve always felt a bit... large? Not in size, in a sense that means I need to be gentle with other people lest I accidentally hurt them or scare them? In the sense that I have to be aware of my strength, my claws, so as not to wound them. In the sense that I have to be aware of the intensity, the wilderness, of my passions, my ecstasies, so as not to burn them. And curbing these intensities, tempering them, has made me feel a bit clumsy? A bit like I have longer hind legs and paws a bit too large for my body? A bit like a creature outside of time?

yes hi this is literally my soul in the form of a talking animal whom I cannot be more than 5 feet away from at all times.

https://picrew.me/image_maker/1433548

here’s me and Mijou: 

(it didn’t have a hummingbird but close enough)

It’s been a long time since you’ve talked about him…

…I know.

You did good.

After watching this scene (which is entirely newly written canon material for the show, not from the original series of books), I couldn’t decide whether after the golden monkey attacked Hester, 1) Lee made a conscious decision to dredge up and “perform” the memories of his abusive father in an attempt to unnerve Marisa and/or reach her as a “mother” (ie, an attempt to discomfit his potential torturer enough that the torture did not occur or occurred at a lower intensity than it would otherwise have), OR 2) his statements started out as his usual old “defuse serious situations with macabre humor” but the attack on Hester had precipitated a kind of PTSD event where he basically couldn’t stop the memories from pouring out of his mouth like poison exiting his body. It really seemed to me that once he started he just had to keep going, as if (like Hester said later) this was the first time in a long long while that he’d let himself think about what happened, much less say it out loud.

Either way, the complete turnaround of his demeanor once Marisa had left the cell and his shuddering breaths as he tried to get himself back under control were heartbreaking to me. Gone was the bravado, the brave face he kept putting forward to show Marisa how it didn’t matter what she did to him. Hit him, tear his nails out, break his bones – all she’d get (and all she got) was defiance. But once she was gone, he nearly collapsed into fetal position, chest heaving, gasping for air as if he’d been drowning. And he had been drowning, in his own memories, reliving them.