#hazeyaffection

You are always everywhere and everything always seems to remind me of you like next doors cat or the smell of sweat Or somehow whenever my eyes go that certain shade of green in the light I want to cry There are certain things that only you and I will ever understand like the blue bandana or the shower plan or the movie plan that never became anything more than just plans And I guess I should be thankful that we still have secrets left to tell because you already told all your friends everything you promised you wouldn't But I guess your promises meant nothing because you only ever made two and broke them both

Love is magical I still believe that Even after everything But I also believe that love can turn to heartbreak in a matter of moments And heartbreak is anything but magical Heartbreak is dreaming about him every single night for 3 weeks To the point where sometimes you wake up unaware of what happened in the dream but somehow you still know it was about him Heartbreak is talking to his best friend hoping that he's spoken about you Heartbreak is the pain you feel when you discover he has spoken about you, but none of it good Heartbreak is drinking too much so that in the morning you can blame the 3 missed calls and 14 messages on the alcohol that was pulsing through your veins Heartbreak is pure fucking pain But I also believe that heartbreak eventually leads to healing And the healing is the part that makes all the heartbreak fade away Healing is learning to sleep in your own bed, even though when you roll over you can still catch his scent Healing is starting to love your body for yourself and not just because use to tell you he loved it when you were taking off your clothes for him Healing is opening up to your mother, it's letting her hug and take care of you like she did when you were a child Healing is playing outside in the garden with your brother and laughing until you can't breathe Healing is genuinely laughing until everything else is irrelevant, it is not the fake laughter you became so use to Healing is skipping the sad songs Healing is dying your hair white because you wanted to and you are finally doing things for yourself Healing is rebuilding yourself bit by bit until suddenly the last puzzle piece slots into place and you are not the person you use to be Healing makes everything okay again

The worst part of it all was wanting to sleep But not being able to bring myself to close my eyes In fear of waking up to the exact same situation I was trying to escape from; In fear of waking up and everything being okay for a second, but then that god awful feeling in the pit of my stomach emerging reminding me that it all wasn't a dream and oh god how I wished it could all be a dream

Letters to the people I have loved 1. We can look back and laugh at it all now. I knew it would never last, but I am grateful to have had what we had for so long. 2. You were the one. I still believe that. I think I always will. No one will ever make me feel the way I felt when I was in love with you. I will never feel the pain I felt when I lost you again, either. You killed me, and I still stayed around to watch the aftermath. 3. I never meant to fall for you. Maybe it was god punishing me for using you to get over him. Maybe that’s why it hurt so much when you kissed her. 4. You never loved me; I knew that. I still gave you everything anyway. The day I gave myself up to you I came home and cried more than I’ve ever cried in my life. I still went back for more. I cut open my skin with your words and I let you take everything I had and destroy it. If self destruction was a person I think he’d look like you. There still hasn’t been one night since where I’ve slept without seeing you whenever I close my eyes. You were the last; I'll make sure of that.