Jan 7
honestly i only like the version of them that i created in my own head
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honestly i only like the version of them that i created in my own head
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Having a hard fucking time.. I don’t feel like myself these days. I’m either exhausted, crying, or lashing out at everyone- or some combination…I feel horrible as my wife takes the brunt of it. I don’t want to be like that, like this. But I honestly feel like a shell of who I am just making it to the next day. . . For the first time in my life I knew I needed therapy. Well tbh I don’t like the idea, but I’ll try anything at this point. The first place I called wasn’t taking new patients- I called another place in network and they will get back to me to schedule an appointment in 2-8 weeks.. . I know I’ve mentioned on here Before I am a bit of a control freak and not having control over how my body, life and mind are changing is getting to me. I’ve always dealt with issues one way or another but I feel lost this time. I need to post on here more- 1 to give updates for those going thru the same feels,2 it helps document how this is going so I can look back and hopefully be happy with progress. . . . #ms #mswarrior🧡 #depressionhelp #havingahardtime #multiplesclerosis #spoonie #therapy #lowpoint #struggle #notmyself #spoonielife #msdisease #control #outofcontrol #lost #postmore https://www.instagram.com/p/CReo1Chsu_q/?utm_medium=tumblr
Be kind, be helpful, don’t judge. Even if you can do anything right that moment, have compassion💗 #meltdown #tantrum #sensory #sensoryoverload #overload #havingahardtime #bekind #behelpful #dontjudge #cantdoanything #showcompassion #compassion #havecompassion #specialseeds #💗
On the bright side It's gonna be reallllllyyyy fuckin nice to have an OS that doesn't randomly fucking restart itself with 0 fucking warning. #positivementalattitude #brokencomputer #havingahardtime I kinda make my living on this thing guys. Soooooo my life just got a lot harder for the next 1-4weeks What doesn't kill us makes us stronger?
Spring is a hard time for me. Even after top surgery.
I used to have a hard time with these first days in spring. Suddenly everyone’s out of hibernation and in the streets, there are sun and t-shirts everywhere. Dysphoria peaks within seconds. I feel trapped between my longing for the sun, having a great time outside, go swimming, biking, hiking, having a run along the river (things I usually enjoy, like, a lot) on one hand, and feeling the urge to hide, get into bed, make a cave, staying there until next autumn on the other.
I’m one year post-op top surgery in May. It’s my first spring with this masculinized chest I desired for a long time. I am happy with my results. I didn’t even expect it to make everything right at once, especially dysphoria-wise, but I thought it would make this season easier, though.
And still, I keep having rough times in spring.
Dysphoria shifted from my chest to my hips, making it even harder to pursue my training goals, hence amplifiying my body neglect. I spend too much time watching youtube videos about bottom surgery. I feel as if I cannot get out of these troublesome times in my body-mind-relationship (I worked as hard to get myself prepared for top surgery as possible, but now I feel as if I never made any progress in my connection to my body). I think that it’ll take so much time and healing to get through the upcoming three stages of lower surgery: two summers to go until I’ll be as close to my trans male body goals as possible. I doubt my ability to get a peace with my final results, too.
This is that time of the year I am longing to be cis. I mourn a lot about not being cis. I feel lonely and not in touch with my community because not every trans/queer person experiences dysphoria at all, and for some, top surgery did a good job to lift dysphoria. I feel bad and ungrateful to drain in my dysphoria after I had top surgery (wasn’t this supposed to help me cope better?).
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Csection pain
Omg I never expected the pain from a csection. When the pain meds wear off after your epidural from the csection plus the 3 hrs of pushing before my abdominal area has the most intense pain. The burning when pulling is horrible as well. I feel like my insides are ripping out. I have a high pain tolerance and this is intense. And my emotions are just crazy out of wack just having a baby.
#sadselfie #happyeaster #havingahardtime