#hardtack

Like me, hardtack is a dense cracker that nobody likes. Unlike me however, it kept many sailors alive for hundreds of years. Hardtack is a "victual" which is pronounced "vittle" for the same reason "forecastle" is pronounced "foksil" and "coxswain" is pronounced "cocksin." What this reason is is not known, but we do know that it's all the same reason.

Hardtack was invented by Samuel Pepys in 1665, likely in hopes of constipating his enemies. Instead he produced something akin to elven lembas bread, but instead of filling stomachs it just made people hate Samuel Pepys. Pepys in turn wrote a "Burn Book" which became the most published book in England for the next 200 years, much to the chagrin of Britain's nastiest skanks and fugliest sluts, including Pepys himself.

The ration biscuit takes various forms, some of which are small and palatable, but the type most frequently met with in Gallipoli was large and square, possessing the appearance of a dog biscuit and the consistency of a rock. It was no doubt of excellent nutritive quality, but, unfortunately, no ordinary pair of teeth was able to cope with it. Some spread jam upon it, and then licked the surface, thereby absorbing a few crumbs; others soaked it in tea (when there was any); while a few pounded it between two stones, and found that the result did not make bad porridge. - Major Bryan Cooper

The universally loathed hardtack. The Australian War Memorial actually has a lovely little collection of hardtack dating back to the Boer War. There's also some excellent hardtack art.

Hardtack picture frame

Hardtack Victoria Cross