#hanamichels

I don't ask for much when it comes to milestone events. My dog Fluffers' Bark-Mitzvah was a tasteful $1,000 a plate at one of King Henry VIII's lesser castles. I even backed out of our space wedding plans drawn up by Elon Musk himself because my maid of honor couldn't afford his nebulous "space fees." But my husband's funeral is finally starting to get me miffed at our friends and their selfishness. Read the full article

For whatever reason, you already know your healthy fucking son-of-a-bitch husband is about to die from mysterious causes. You just know his time is coming. We're not going to ask too many questions. Maybe he knows it, too, because he's been leaving his goddamn hair in the sink again. Anyway, how do you turn your loss of a spouse into monetary gain? Life insurance! Life insurance policies are essential for every healthy, married, soon-to-be-dead man. But which policy should you choose? There are so many choices! The key is a principle I made up. I want my name on it. It's called the Michels Principle. Read the full article

Our son Daniel is dead and never coming back (and neither is our brief flirtation with the non-pasteurized dairy that killed him). We miss him dearly and our lives are empty without him. But true beauty bloggers never show any trace of emotion (unless they're issuing a public apology), so we compartmentalized our grief and tried these viral beauty trends on our dead son, Daniel. Read the full article

Everybody on my social media is talking about this "Bird Box." I guess they haven't advertised on my favorite podcasts yet, because I've never heard of them, but I'm a huge fan of subscription box services. I'm also a huge fan of beaks. Can anyone tell me if I can order just the beaks? I don't need the whole bird. Read the full article

Listen, I know every mommy blogger likes to pretend her child is Jesus incarnate, but let's be real, my son wouldn't even be bible worthy. He wouldn't even be that guy in Gomorrah who shouted "look out!" He's a nobody. Not a single ode has been written to my child since he was born. Not one. My son is a big piece of shit who has brought me no pride or glory and my New Year's resolution is to shove him back up in there. Read the full article

Sometimes when I breastfeed in public, ignorant store owners or cops feel the need to stop me instead of dealing with their own weird hangups. Breastfeeding is beautiful and natural. It's a sacred bond between a mother and her young, and I should have the right to breastfeed my snakes in public whenever I want. Read the full article

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