#hamwrites

so you've established you have a bad brain day but you have things to to do and places to be that can't be delayed! what should you do? no panic, i ruminated for hours to have an aswer for this question! at least, one that works for me.

step 1

how much can you realistically handle right now? be honest, it is ok to have energy for one thing only

personally i am bad with talking and social stuff so things like phone calls, errands etc get delayed until i feel better unless they are extremely urgent

step 2

difficult for adhd but try to pick the most important thing of the day

not the thing you "need" to do but the one that will make you feel better and less burdened: take a shower? have a meal? do a little bit of homework? take a nap? play games? call your friend? send that email that has been weighing you down? step 3

do the most important thing.

it is ok to not finish, it is ok to do only one thing, the most imporant here is that you started (the possibility of continuing because of hyperfocus is higher too)

tips for step 3:

10 minute timer. do the thing for 10 minutes. take a break for 10 minutes or continue for another 10. after you feel like you can't go on anymore stop doing the thing. great job!

imagine the thing you need to do is a rpg quest. plan your stats carefully, equip only the best artifacts and go go go!

think of a random thing you wanted or need to do. now...procrastinate your way with that random thing by doing the important thing! ta-da you have the biggest brain of us all

step 4

see if you have any spoons/energy left and if you want to continue. if not - get a rest, you did a great job! if you want to continue just go through steps 1-3 again!

brain,,.,baby,.,, u kno the way to my heart,., fuckcing,., p.s. i rambled a bit adkfnjejf

+ when richie first wanted to learn to do his makeup he went to bev, makeup queen

+ she taught him the basics and also reccomended him a load of beauty youtubers/ instagrammers

+ at first he couldn’t buy his own stuff as he was afraid of what his parents would say, so he used bev’s brushes ect whenever they hung out

+ bev always loves to go with a bold eye and some killer wings and would do them on richie to practice her skills and to explain/teach him what to do

+ richie, being richie, picks it up very quickly and is soon out here doing cut creases and all sorts

+ he starts to become more comfortable wearing makeup and starts to wear it around the losers. everyone is like :0!!!!!!!!!! but eddie,.,boy.,, eddie.exe stopped working,.,. my little punk boy just sits there in the corner wearing his eyeliner, face the shade of a tomato

+ so the losers see how happy wearing makeup makes him and they decide to band together to buy him some brushes and palettes ect for christmas

+ he is SO happy and can’t stop hugging them all.,,.

+ to test out his new stuff he decides to do the losers makeup omgsgjd

+ for mike he goes for a soft golden eye with a load of glitter and highlighter, for ben he gives a gentle orange eye when they make it look kind of wet (idkwhat its called i dont do makeup mgkdshg), for stan he gives a deep purple eye with gold eyeliner, bill gets a baby blue eye with white eyeliner. he can’t bear to do bevs as she has the most gorgeous shade of green on her eyes(that would look ugly on anyone else) that she totally rocks!!!

+ and then it was eddie’s turn,.,,

+richie goes for a really edgy smokey eye bcuz eddie is fuckin punk, bitch!!!

+ he just.,,,.savors every moment he gets to spend looking at eddie’s face as close up as much as he can. and he might have spent a bit too long blending out his eyeshadow, observing the very faint freckles dusting eddie’s cheeks. and maybe he spent too much time making sure that the red lipgloss on eddie’s lips was absolutely perfect !!! but if the losers noticed they didnt say anything 

+meanwhile eddie is internally freaking the fuck out !!!!! his feelings for richie increase tenfold as he watches richie stick his tongue out in concentration as he paints eddie’s lips. eddie only hopes that richie can’t see the rouge of his cheeks 

+ after this eddie becomes suspiciously willing to be richie’s makeup model, and richie seems to ask to practice his skills more

+ and neither boy has ulterior motives, no of course not

+ eddie may be a edgy boi but he does love it when richie paints his face in pinks and purples, highlighter everywhere

+ richie LOVES highlighter, he always has to buy a new one bcuz he uses them up so quickly omdg

+ oof i also feel like richie doesn’t like to do extreme eyeliner that much on himself, he much prefers to wear some really bold eyelashes to complete The Look

+ oH, one day he asks his parents to get him contacts

+they agree bcuz they assume he gets bullied for his glasses

+ but, no

+no one can fully appreciate the hard work he spends doing his eyes when he has those ridiculously large frames blocking their view

+richies favourite part normally is doing his eyes because thats where he feels like he can be the most expressive, using bold colours and intricate eyeliner but with eddie, he would do anything to be painting the boys lips with colour for the rest of his life.,,.,

+he always makes sure to take e x t r a care on eddie’s lips, he just has to do eddie’s perfect cupid’s bow justice!!

+ one day eddie puckers and licks his lips one time too many and richie’s just like!! ykno what?? fuck it

+ and he pushes their lips together roughly, surprised when eddie starts to move his lips aswell, expecting him to pull away instantly

+after a few minuites of their lips sliding together in harmony, they pull apart

+ “oh! babe look, you ruined all the hard work you spent making my lips look perfect!” eddie smirks,

+ “well, then i guess i’ll just have to wipe off this old lipstick and start fresh” richie smirks back as he tackles eddie, pushing him back onto the bed and covering his face in wet kisses, eddie giggling and squirming underneath him,.,.,

+once they start officially dating richie begins to leave some of his stuff around eddie’s bcuz eddie’s house is basically a home away from home for him

+they like to do cute coupely shit like wearing lowkey matching makeup/clothing 

+eddie normally wears black nail polish bcuz he is a punk edgelord but richie somehow convinces eddie to allow him to paint one of his hands in pretty pastel colours

+ this then becomes their Thing™ , to each have one hand painted black and one hand painted in pastels

+justtsdd i love punk!eddie x pastel!richie so much 

+eddie likes to maintain his “edgy and mysterious” aesthetic but as soon as richie wraps a pink fluffy jumper clad arm around his waist he m e l t s and becomes a gooey mush of heart eyes and love for his boyfriend

+both boys are huge Softs

+clothes swapping !!!!! bitch!!!!

+richie sometimes wears one of eddies band tees and he’ll be damned if he lets the 5 size size difference between them get in his way. the shirt may cut off above his bellybutton , revealing a slither of his stomach, but neither boy is complaining *eye emoji*

+ eddie likes to steal richies most oversized and softest jumpers that literally drown him omgsg, it goes down to his knees and the sleeves are neary twice the length of his arms admsodjosgd

+whenever the other is wearing the other ones clothes they not so internally freak out and become heart eyes x100000

Words: 1782

Summary: You get some difficult news and live your final days

Warnings: Potentially horrible writing, ANGST

“I’m very sorry,” the doctor said as he stood in front of you with a solemn face. You felt your stomach drop. You looked around the room, trying to find something to concentrate on as your world seemed to fall apart. Your gaze landed on the clock on the wall.

“I need to get to work,” You said quietly, seeming to stumble over your words. He nodded and set up your next appointment before you made your way to the Richard Rodgers Theater.

Your eyes were glued to the ground as you walked down the streets of New York. You had always wanted to do something meaningful with your life. Yes, you got your roles on Broadway. You got your role in Hamilton. You met the love of your life. But, that’s just it. There was still so much to do. So many things to do. And, you seemed to be running out of time.  

God, there was so much. So many roles. So many things you could do. So many things you wanted to do. Your stomach fell more and more as fear crept upon you. You’d be playing your last show as Angelica soon. You’d be saying goodbye to so many so soon. You’d never be able to play another role. You’d never be able to have kids. Hell, you’d never be able to get married. Oh god. What would Pippa say?

Your gaze set upon the sign for the theater and your heart broke. You walked to the entrance and made your way backstage.

“Hey (Y/N)!” Daveed said as he and Oak walked by. You smiled in response, afraid of what would happen if you tried to speak. You greeted the rest of the company, trying to be as cheerful as you could. You made your way down to the dressing room you shared with Pippa and Jasmine.

As you stepped inside, you recognized the voice of Renee accompanying theirs.

“Hey (Y/N)!” Jasmine greeted from the couch where her and Renee sat. Pippa got up and trapped you in an embrace.

“Hey guys,” You said with a weak smile, about to start crying in your girlfriend’s arms. Pippa’s eyebrows furrowed as she looked at you with her eyes almost asking you “what’s wrong?” You gave her a small nod as if to say that you’d explain later. You gave Renee and Jasmine.

“So, Renee, what brings you back?” You said trying to distract yourself.

“Oh no reason in particular. Alexis agreed to take the kids out tonight so that I could watch my favorite sisters perform.”

Their conversation continue as your heart panged. It wouldn’t be much more time until you couldn’t perform along their sides. You looked around the dressing room, almost trying to memorize how it looked. Pippa sat down next to you and placed her hand on your knee, similar to how the doctor had done not too long prior. You turned to her and buried your head into her shoulder.

“Hey, what’s going on?” She whispered in your ear. You nodded just as you had done earlier. The thought of telling her tore your heart to shreds. How would you tell her? How could you? “Hey guys,” she said addressing the two other girls, “can we borrow the room for a moment?”

“Of course, we’ll be right outside if you need us.” Jasmine gave the two of you a small smile as they stepped out.

“Okay, what’s wrong, love? You’ve been off since you stepped in,” She said with her eyes full of concern. You looked down to the ground as you tried to find the words to tell her. She lifted your head ever so slightly to look you in the eyes.

“I-” You paused. “I went to the doctor’s this morning,” You said quietly.

“What happened (Y/N)? Are you okay?” She asked, her words laced with worry.

“Pip,” You paused, knowing that the next words would make everything so real. You looked back down not wanting to see her face. “I have cancer.”

The words seemed surreal leaving your mouth. You felt her arms wrap around you as you thought of just unreal it was. The tears came flowing down your face. Once they started, you couldn’t seem to get it to stop. She rubbed your back lovingly as you felt her own tears fall.

“Shh, I’ve got you. I’ve got you.” She whispered, her voice seeming more and more weak with every second that passed.

You sat there like that for what seemed like hours (despite only being a few minutes). She finally sat back and looked you with overwhelming sadness. You took a deep breath knowing that the next words to come would be even worse.

“One year.” Her face dropped even more despite not seeming possible.

“What?” She said breathless.

“The doctor’s estimate was one year. It might be longer, but-” You were interrupted by her arms wrapping you in a hug. She seemed even more hysterical than you both were moments earlier.

“We’ll get through this, love, I promise.” She said as she calmed down. “Do you want me to ask Lin if your alternate could perform tonight?”

“No, I- I need to do this.” She nodded in understanding as she took your hand in hers. “Let’s go see everyone,” You said with a small smile pulling her up with you.

The two of you walked outside hand in hand. The rest of the company sat outside talking.

“Hey love birds!” Anthony said jokingly until the two of you came closer when everyone noticed your red eyes and tear stained cheeks. “Are you two okay?” He asked with concern, his goofy expression turning serious in an instant.

“I actually need to tell you guys something.” You said quietly as you took a seat, suddenly feeling exhausted. Pippa rested her arm around you, kissing the top of your head. The cast turned to you with concern. “You know,” You paused, “you guys are family to me.”

“And you’re family to us (Y/N).” Chris said.

“I’m going to be, um, I’m going to stop performing soon.” Lin frowned.

“We’ll miss you a lot (Y/N). Did you land another role?”

“Better than Angelica?” Daveed continued with a smirk.

“Oh please, Diggs, what is there that’s ‘better than Angelica’?” Renee asked with a laugh causing the rest of the company to join in laughter.

“Actually, no.” You frowned. “I found out this morning that,” Your words seemed to get stuck in your throat. You put your head in the crook of Pippa’s neck trying not to burst into tears for the second time that day. Thankfully, she understood the trouble you were having.

“She has cancer,” She said in a small voice. You looked up at the cast as you composed yourself. The faces of every person in the room dropped. Jasmine almost immediately began to sob in Anthony’s shirt. Lin’s mouth dropped open. Leslie looked down as if he were about to start crying as well. Oak was the first to get up and hug you tight. The rest followed suit and joined in the hug.

That was the hardest show any of you had performed. Pippa’s scream after Stay Alive (Reprise) was especially awful. You nearly broke down as you sung It’s Quiet Uptown. Pippa and Lin could hardly stop crying as you sang. The cast rotated in and out of your dressing room as you came on and off stage.

That night, you and Pippa sat on your couch in silence. You laid in her arms as she mindlessly played with your hair. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

During your last show, you struggled. Hell, the entire cast did. You were so exhausted from treatment that someone continuously held you up, trying to seem natural. Lin stood in front of the crowd at the end of the show in his full Alexander Hamilton get up.

“As most of you know, this is (Y/N) (Y/L/N)’s last show.” He called for Pippa and you to come up to center stage. You stood there in confusion. She turned to you.

“My love,” She started. “When we first met, I instantly fell in love with you. You made me feel so… so… “

“Helpless?” She laughed lightly.

“What I’m trying to say is that I know that we don’t have our entire lives ahead of us. But, I want you to know that I’ll be right here next to you. Always. Every moment until the last.” She got down on a knee.

“(Y/N) (Y/L/N), will you marry me?” Your hands flew to your mouth in shock. You shook your head and wrapped her in a hug.

And, she did. After you left the show officially, Pippa took a break from Hamilton. She was always by your side. The cast rotated in and out of your shared apartment and later, your hospital room.

Most of the cast stood in your small room.

“I’m going to get some food,” Daveed said as most of them agreed.

“Pip, go with them. You still need to eat.” You told her. She nodded reluctantly and followed them out. You were left with Anthony and Jasmine. “Guys.” Jasmine put her hand on yours. “It’s time.”

“No, no. (Y/N),” Anthony started.

“Can you please take Pippa home with you two?”

“What? You shouldn’t-”

“Please, Ant, I can’t have her here. She hasn’t slept in weeks-”

“(Y/N), you shouldn’t be alone when you go,” Jasmine continued.

“Guys, please.”

The cast said their goodbyes an hour later. You hugged Lin extra tight.

“Thank you for everything.”

Jasmine and Anthony, especially, had tears running down their faces.

“I love you, Pip.”

The couple nearly had to drag her from the hospital. You looked down at your ring with a small smile reminiscing on the times you had with her. You looked at the flowers that flooded your room, knowing exactly who gave you what. Lin sent almost half of them. You looked at the giant teddy bear by your window that Chris brought with him during your first month of being there. It had his extra George Washington hat on it. Tears pricked the corners of your eyes as you smiled at everything Alexander Hamilton’s story had brought you to. You reached for your phone and clicked to the group chat.

I love you all. x

You started to text them before sleeping during your final months. They didn’t know that this would be the last they’d receive.

My love, take your time.

”Their Worlds Were Wide Enough” Series: Hamilton: An American Musical Genre: Angst, [light] Romance Summary: Two children fighting for their fathers’ honor. Theodosia/Philip story. (First Hamilton fic)! First Published: 1/15/2017 at 7:15 PM on Tumblr Written by: @rikareena/ Foxiesango/ @life-liberty-andamindatwork Click Here for Fanfiction.net Link (Please Review)! A/N: Hi!  First Hamilton fic, yay!  So, a couple of thing about this fic: 1) AU where Philip never dies after his duel with George Eacker, so he lives to be 22. Also, Theodosia is not yet married. 2) I ship Theo/Philip (not sure what the ship name is for that? Theolip? Philidosia? Either way, even though they never met in the play, I ship them).

3) Slightly inspired by the workshop version of “Schuyler Defeated” where Eliza asks Burr how his daughter is and he responds, “She’s my pride and joy! Fluent in French and Latin,” to which Philip shoots back, “So am I!” like he was jealous!  I thought that was so cute!

4)…Passenger Pigeons!  They’re currently extinct but they were apparently in abundance in America during the 1700s.  The last one died in the Cincinnati zoo in 1914.   5). George Eacker really was a supporter of Burr, but did not really court Theodosia.

5) …I don’t want to give away anymore lest it takes away from the story. So enjoy!

Songs of Inspiration: “Schuyler Defeated” (Workshop and Final version), “Obedient Servant,” “Ten Duel Commandments,” “The World Was Wide Enough”

June 21

Dear Sir, You will happen to find upon the instance of the 20th, a directly indirect response by your father at the behest of my own to avow or disavow, in no uncertain terms, words dispersed by Hamilton Snr. about Burr Snr. To have such words uttered by Mr. Hamilton in the initial instance is, itself, a disgrace. But even moreso, I am dismayed that a supposed gentleman of Mr. Hamilton’s caliber, whom for a majority of my life I have respected despite much controversy surrounding his own, would display a profile of such cowardice as to not only avoid commitment to his actions—or, though I doubt as much, inactions—but to use his verbiage to dance around the issue like that of a migrating passenger pigeon. Therefore, at my request, it would behoove you to impress upon your father the importance of appropriately accounting for his actions, lest I shall have to take drastic measures on my father’s behalf.   Respectfully, Lady Theodosia Burr

He read the letter, and re-read it, and re-re-read it, and re-re-read it again. Philip Hamilton, age 22, found himself pouring over the words that were taunting him from the page for the better of the past half-hour.  She couldn’t be serious. He was well aware of the situation to which she was referring. His father had been on a rant for the past couple of days about the incredulousness of Mr. Burr’s request, and how ridiculous it was for him to expect Hamilton to apologize for anything, whether he meant it or not,

“How am I supposed to know what the hell he’s talking about?! Over 30 years I’ve clashed with the man; and it’s not like he hasn’t uttered ‘despicable’ words against me! He’s mad if he thinks I’ll apologize for anything! I’m under absolutely no obligation!  A man with no beliefs or morals deserves NO such contrition from me anyway!”

And so his father, Alexander Hamilton, had responded to Burr’s letter fueled by this stance.  Though…by what he held in his hands…it appeared that Theodosia Burr, Philip Hamilton’s rival since adolescent hood, had intercepted the letter—surely, Philip presumed, before her father had a chance to read Hamilton’s response…otherwise, he’d never have let her reply in his stead, right)? …Yet, she had.  She had taken it upon herself to respond. …In such a manner that was so…unbecoming of a lady but…then again so becoming of her. …If the situation wasn’t so close to home, Philip would’ve have called it admirable.  Still…she couldn’t be serious!

this is something i wanted to write about for a long time but i didn't have a chance or a place to put my thoughts in. now i have this blog so i want to share some thoughts about adhd and accepting it as a part of my life.

when i first realised i might have it, i cried. because it is chronic, because it means i will never be "perfect" student, i will never be "organised" like i wanted to. past forward around 5 years. i have my official diagnosis, i am finally medicated, i have been in therapy for several years. and it is still hard. because no amount of therapy or meds can change the fact that my brain is adhd. but the way i feel about it completely changed and if a young person is reading this, i promise it is not as bad as it seems. i have a typical overachiever, perfectionist mindset and fear of rejection yada yada consequences of having adhd as a child and being "gifted" (so i compensated with it and a lot of efforts for a while). so my goal was to live to that perfect image everyone was expecting from me. i was somehow convinced that i should live "properly" with a set of rules, and if i don't - i am a failure. when adhd crossed this "proper" life once and for all of course i was upset. not because adhd is a bad thing, but because i was conditioned to believe that my worth is based on all of those things. i thought i broke free from that mindset years ago but it turned out recently i didn't. i still wanted to "compensate" for my adhd to reach the neurotypical standard, to be on the same level and beyond. i wanted to be adhd but at the same time be able to magically transform into a neurotypical person when needed. of course, it doesn't work like that.

when i started medication and already had a set of coping mechanisms set in place, i had a breakdown because it was still hard for me to function. i barely feed myself, i have troubles with noise and texture and movements and a billion of other things that do not get resolved that easily. thankfully, i have good friends who care about me and help me but that is not the point. the point is, i am still adhd, and if i dare, it is actually disabling. i can't count how many times it made something impossible for me to do and i knew it was because of adhd and could do nothing about it. it is not about "trying hard enough", on the contrary - i had several extreme burnouts because i pushed myself beyong my limits.

what is the answer in this situation? i just started learning to accept my adhd may be a disability (in my case, at least) and i need to be careful about my limits. i am more important than any work despite what i was told as a child. it really is not easy to just shift your mindset like that but i think working on it is more important than, again, having a perfect result from forcing yourself. i stopped being angry at myself for not cleaning, for sleeping instead studying, for being impulsive with my words (though i do check in with people if they are uncomfortable with it, so far everything was good though), for struggling with hygiene.

on bad days i change from one pajama to another - i changed clothes but they are still comfy and i can take a nap!

i bought a small low table to work on my bed - it has been such a life saver! now i don't have to worry about not being able to get out of bed to do things

i bought several small trash cans for different areas even though i live in a small one-room apartment. if it is too far, i can always use the other one

i stopped using built-in wardrobe and bought myself a clothing rack - now i don't have to worry about my clothes and bags lying on the floor

i keep my meds, wet wipes, glasses and fidget toys on my bed or on the floor near it at all times - if i don't get up i can't step on them anyways! and i need them often

i have an emergency box with children's toys and crafts for when i need grounding - who cares that i buy things for 5 year olds if they help me? (bonus points: i work with kids and i actually bought the same thing as them because i liked their toys. i also let them play with mine during lessons if they have troubles with listening so it's a win-win)

originally i thought to make this blog only a retween/small reminders tumblr but my therapist told me I might want to keep a diary and I honestly don't like talking to air most of the time. I want at least some kind of thought of a person being there to be able to express myself so I think I will post little diary entries here. if you don't like seeing them in general then you can mute the #hamwrites tag! also I will tag any triggering content so if you have any triggers I will list the tags somewhere acessible and you can also mute those!