Child! Apothecary vs The Roger Pirates
Rating: 16+
Warnings: Ongoing Slice-of-life, slowburn, mild peril, child endangerment by child, medical humor, light swearing, mentions of alcohol, injury descriptions, chaotic mentorship dynamic, pirates being pirates, implied violence, mild emotional gut punch, found family feelings, tiny child commits medicine for evil and science, so much medical malpractice
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Summary: You’re ten, overqualified, and armed with a mortar, a scalpel, and a questionable sense of ethics. The half-drunk doctor you work for calls you his apprentice, but you know better—you’re the apothecary. The brains. The organization. The reason he hasn’t accidentally poisoned a sailor this week.
Then one day, a ship with gold trim and very bad timing appears on the horizon, and everything tilts. There’s shouting, arguing, and possibly a whale. You lose track after the word “Pirate.”
You have no idea what comes next, but one thing’s certain: you’re ten years old and already in over your very competent head.
(A homage to The Apothecary Diaries)
Chapter 1 : "How to Ruin a Doctor’s Day"
Chapter 2: "The Great Sandwich Caper"
Chapter 3: “You Can’t Fire Me, I Already Live Here!”
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The Missing Ingredient: How to Exorcise a Rude Demon
Elena’s lungs burned as she sprinted up the stony steps toward the forest hermitage. Brushing damp red hair from her forehead, she threw open the door, her breath hitching. All she could manage was a ragged, "I'm late, I know! I’m sorry, Auntie 'Ntunuzza!"
A resigned sigh drifted through the small house. "Your tea's gone cold. Never mind, we have work to do."
The woman stubbed out her cigar in a marble ashtray and rose from her rocking chair. Her spine was straight as a needle. She didn't look at the newcomer immediately; then, she turned, her blue eyes framed by shocks of white hair, and leveled a stern gaze at Elena. She crossed her arms.
"Where the hell have you been?"
"I had a date, Auntie. I told you I'd be late… more than usual."
The old woman rolled her eyes. "You're late regardless. Come."
Elena wanted to retort but thought better of it. She followed the old witch down the corridor to a distant room. Inside, the setup was sparse: a simple bed, a small desk serving as an altar, and wall sconces flickering with candlelight. A solitary window overlooked the ravine, offering a view of the darkening mountains.
Something felt different tonight.
“And this is supposed to be your novice, old hag?”
The voice came from a figure lashed to the bed: a young man with chocolate hair and olive skin. Elena might have found him handsome, if not for his eyes filled with a magic as dark as spilled ink.
“And this is supposed to be the demon we’re exorcising?” Elena tried to sound cautious, but her voice dripped with the same sarcasm as her skin did sweat.
“The demon I am exorcising. It’s far too early for you, but I’ll allow you to assist,” her teacher replied. The possessed man smirked.
"Do you need someone to walk you to the bathroom, old lady?"
"I wouldn't worry about who’s walking whom, demon. I’d worry about whether Hell has an ER nurse these days." After that sharp reassurance, the exorcist turned back to her assistant. "Now, watch. Bring me incense, dragon's blood, and garlic."
She lit a sprig of sage, pacing the room until it filled with thin gray smoke. Elena nodded and hurried to the kitchen. She swung open the oak pantry and grabbed a few vials, but then, a cold shiver froze her hand.
"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck."
She set the bottles down and crept back into the room. "Auntie… remember when you asked me to buy those things yesterday? And I told you I'd put them away?"
The old woman was already murmuring blessings, but she nodded.
"I might have forgotten the garlic…" Elena whispered.
The room grew stifling, and not from the candles. 'Ntunuzza went still. Her expression turned grave.
"Are you telling me," the sage smoke suddenly swirled black, "that you had a whole day to fulfill your responsibilities, and of all things, you forgot one of the primary ingredients for an EXORCISM?! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!"
"I'm in no hurry to leave," the possessed man shrugged against his restraints. "Take your time finding it. Though personally, I prefer onions." His tone was pure mockery.
"SILENCE!" The burning sage branch struck the man’s forehead. He let out a guttural growl but eventually shut up. The air crackled like static. The witch turned, pointing a gnarled finger at the door. "Get out of this house and find me garlic! Now!"
"But it's 1 a.m.! Where am I supposed to—?"
"I don't care where! We are in the final hours of the waning moon. I will not perform an exorcism in the dead of night or during a new moon just because my novice is an irresponsible whippersnapper! I should hex you myself! Go! If you aren't back with garlic within the hour, your apprenticeship is OVER!"
Elena bolted for the exit. The old witch shook her head, sitting on the edge of the bed next to the demon.
"Novices these days. No idea what real work looks like."
"Back in the day, they’d burn us at the stake for mistakes like that," the demon agreed.
They heard a muffled curse from outside; Elena must have slipped on the stone steps. 'Ntunuzza sighed.
Teaching was hell.
Six minutes later, the door creaked. The old woman frowned. "I told you not to come back without—"
She stopped. Elena stood there, a fresh smudge of dirt on her cheek, pointing a defiant finger at her mentor.
"You were trying to trick me, Aunt!"
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
"I didn't catch it at first, but you knew! You never start a ritual without double-checking the components." Elena raised her fist, clutching several purple-skinned bulbs. "You were testing my resourcefulness. Well, test passed!"
She marched into the room under the demon's suspicious gaze. "I didn't need to scour the woods for wild garlic. I got what we needed from your own garden. You were out of garlic, sure, but the wild onions were right there."
The possessed man glared at her, his eyes like black oil. "That was a joke, little girl."
"Yes, you wanted to piss me off. But Auntie taught me that a witch must adapt with the tools she has. AND," she smiled slyly, "I actually did read the Encyclopedia of Magical Plants. Onions work just as well for redirection. Did you really think I’d miss the show?"
'Ntunuzza stared at her for a long, silent moment.
Then, a slow grin spread across her face, ignoring the hissed curses of the demon who realized his time was up.
"You’re still bringing me real garlic tomorrow, young lady."
